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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to ensure I never go back?

35 replies

nogoingbacknow · 04/10/2014 10:26

Posted on here about 6 months ago about trying to stay out of abusive relationship, unfortunately I fell back into it. However, have made some big changes in life, got some financial independence, started a Masters at uni and know that this time it is absolutely so important I stay well, well away from abusive asshole as I have let him f**k so many areas of my life up before, and I am not letting him do it anymore. Today is day 3 of no contact, normally I would be in real emotional turmoil by now - but I;m not - woohooooo!

Have deleted numbers, emails, blocked on facebook and all the rest of it. I do keep having weak moments when I almost give in, but so far have pulled myself together. For me when I feel like that I think of some of the worst things he has done to me and how I felt in that moment and it REALLY helps. Thought i would share for others in same boat, and ask for your tips on staying NC? I am lucky that I know he will never contact me as he is so used to me being pathetically weak and contacting him...

OP posts:
dunfightin · 04/10/2014 10:41

Add the Freedom Programme to your studies - you can do it for free online; Read Mumsnet, advice on other threads can help stiffen your resolve and allow you to see what kind of situation you might fall back into;
Put some money £1 or £10 or 1p (whatever feels like a real reward) in a drawer for every day/week you don't contact, ignore his efforts to contact you;
Write things down and stuff them in a drawer - doing a five minute brain dump of whatever you are feeling that day, just writing, no rereading, no reading through;
Find out what's going on at Uni and make yourself attend one event there a week;
Try a new activity with a social element;
Make plans with friends you haven't seen for ages, keep your diary full

And before too long you won't have time to ponder and wonder about the past.
Good luck Smile

Joysmum · 04/10/2014 10:43

Write yourself a letter detailing all the bad things, read it whenever you feel weak. Write it so you are telling yourself, not so it's in the third person.

kaykayblue · 04/10/2014 10:57

I think trying to work on building a new life for yourself (as you are already doing) is the best way forwards. Each day (or week if you prefer), write down one thing you did that day that you could have never done when with your ex.

It could be something as simple as "watch whatever I like on television" or "go and meet friends for coffee without being terrified of coming home" or simply "feeling safe and at peace in my home".

Also, talk to people in RL about it. If you are studying, they might have some free counselling available for students.. If so - use it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/10/2014 11:14

Well done so far!! 'The best revenge is to live well' ... and the same applies to NC. Make your present and your future so full-on and so fulfilling that there's simply no room in it for time-wasters.

It's good that you feel so positive at the moment but anticipate that there will be bad days ahead and have a plan worked out in advance what you're going to do when that happens. People trying to give up booze or cigarettes are often advised to have a 'buddy' to call when they feel weak. Might work for you.

queenoftheknight · 04/10/2014 14:22

I had a friend who acted as an alternate address...so every time I wanted to, in my case, reply to him, I sent the reply to my friend instead, who would then very kindly tell me good things about not having sent it to abuser, and how clever I was.

I got to write it out, and send it....just to a different recipient. Sounds daft, but worked for me.

Maybe this thread could serve that purpose? It may provide unexpected insight too.

Original poster
nogoingbacknow · 04/10/2014 17:07

Thank you all for your wisdom so far, some great ideas in there. Unfortunately I ended up very cut off from my friends as he didn't approve of them so feel pretty alone now. Having said that, this was only people I knew for a couple of years as was new to area. I want to make new friends now as I feel life in a different place and want people to know me as me, and not someone who stayed iwth an abusive shit.

Went out to town this afternoon and got urges to contact but I didn't and am very proud. I have tried starting to notice when it is that makes me want to contact, in town it was when i saw a couple that looked nice together and then when I worried about future financial security... so not really missing him, just a relationship and stability.

Thanks again guys. Looking forward to shitty tv tonight with DS and not having to cook f'head dinner and put up with him getting pissed :) :) :)

OP posts:
astewart · 04/10/2014 22:09

What queenofthenight said.
Me ad my friend used to text each other what we wanted to text the ex. Some of the stuff that came through/was sent was hilarious! No warning, just this ranty text coming through.
Certainly took our mind of them anyway!

Original poster
nogoingbacknow · 06/10/2014 06:55

Well I have now done a whole weekend which I think is a first. Get through next two days and will have done a week no contact, which for me is really something major! I have had brief moments of longing, quite a few but the best thing is I am able to quickly move past them. This really is a first for me and I am so desperate it stays this way. Gotta say I have PMT at the mo which always makes it easier to hate him Blush. Back to uni today so focus on that on not on abusive old man Smile

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/10/2014 07:06

Focusing on more fun things than an abusive old man sounds like a much nicer way to live. Always easier to manage when your mind is occupied on useful stuff rather than idling and overthinking. If I was to make a suggestion, it would be to start planning next weekend now so that, when you get there, it's full of interesting activities. Well done

NellieSpencer · 06/10/2014 15:47

Write a list of ten things you want to have acheived in a year from now.

eg I have been to the US; I have joined a badminton team; I have a totally new hairstyle; I have run a marathon. I have joined the uni debating society or whatever. (See if 'I am back with my abusive ex' appears on your list').

Original poster
nogoingbacknow · 10/10/2014 18:39

Well thought I better check in as a few pangs today of missing. Not too bad but I need to kick those pangs far, far away. Haven't too much planned as am so exhausted from new uni schedule but got some nice food and my lovely DS. Just don't want to cave in but am missing him :(

OP posts:
pippinleaf · 10/10/2014 18:44

When you feel like contacting him promise yourself you will wait one day and think again after one day has passed.

Original poster
nogoingbacknow · 10/10/2014 19:18

Yeah I know I won't contact him today. Just dissapointed that got missing him stuff going on as i was soooo strong. Suppose its just part of the process though. ho hummmmmm

I wrote in a journal over the last year or so alot of the shit stuff he did to me and a long list of why i shouldn't be with him and horrible stuff to make me remember including some unkind stuff like: ugly, wrinkly, old, impotent... and he found it all whilst rifling through my stuff when supposed to be looking after DS one day. oh dear. i haven't looked at the stuff since he told me that but i might get it out and have a read later :)

OP posts:
Original poster
nogoingbacknow · 14/10/2014 20:39

Well its two weeks now and today was the hardest. Don't know why but just missed him massively. Wanted a big cuddle and snuggle up on sofa with him. Wanted his friendship and to chat. Missing all the nice things about him. Been out for a day shopping with friends and somehow it made it worse, kind of emptier. :(

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 14/10/2014 21:18

It doesn't sound to me like there were nice things about him. Just things that he sometimes did that weren't abusive. You know how they say if you don't have a cig for a month then you're 5 times more likely to succeed in giving up? Might there be some mileage in that concept regarding your transition from downtrodden abuse victim to free independent woman with son and a life??

You're doing great Ms Now!

Lacoba66 · 14/10/2014 21:29

Nowgoingbacknow.

You've done extraordinarily well! Can I suggest that whenever you have your weaker moments, that you write down the "why we are not together" moments? Oh, and I also enjoyed a dartboard session with him as the target Wink! Keep strong, because there are better people out there.

GoatsDoRoam · 14/10/2014 22:05

You're doing great!

Keep busy. Have all sorts of backup activities you can divert your focus on whenever you feel yourself weakening. Go run those errands you've been putting off, phone a friend, clean the oven, whatever… Just keep DISTRACTING yourself from the unhealthy mulling with active involvement in the here and now.

You will get through this.

Original poster
nogoingbacknow · 14/10/2014 22:05

Going off to bed now and hoping for a more positive mind tomorrow. Yep will remind myself of the bad times, they were seriously bad!! Dartboard session sounds therapeutic but don't have a dartboard and DS would find it very strange I am sure!! [must not think about replacing dartboard with rocks through his window... no, must not] :)

OP posts:
SelfLoathing · 14/10/2014 22:13

I love this idea:

I had a friend who acted as an alternate address...so every time I wanted to, in my case, reply to him, I sent the reply to my friend instead, who would then very kindly tell me good things about not having sent it to abuser, and how clever I was. I got to write it out, and send it....just to a different recipient. Sounds daft, but worked for me.

I also love the idea of making a list of things to achieve.

There are some great ideas here and this thread is really helping me as I am in a similar situation as in don't want to get back involved. But my situation isn't so bad as it wasn't really a relationship and he's just a nasty emotional abuser rather than anything else. (my story is here if you are interested: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2207439-Help-to-end-an-abusive-OW-non-relationship?msgid=50094011#50094011

MarionSnippet · 14/10/2014 22:27

Keep posting OP. You're doing great.

Original poster
nogoingbacknow · 15/10/2014 21:30

Self I read the start of your thread yesterday before you put link on here! I remember thinking oooh has she met my ex!! Stay strong

OP posts:
Saker · 16/10/2014 09:06

What I have heard about the Freedom Programme does sound good and just the sort of thing to support you right now and help you to avoid this sort of relationship in the future. Also the chance to meet other women in a similar situation to you. I learned about it from Homestart training, so if you contact your local Homestart office and ask them if they can give you a contact for the Freedom programme you might be able to go along to one locally. www.home-start.org.uk/ to find your local office or it looks as if there is an online course here www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/ and information about how to find one locally.

Saker · 16/10/2014 09:11

Sorry what I wrote above sounds a bit random, it was sort of following on from a much earlier post suggesting the Freedom programme!

Original poster
nogoingbacknow · 16/10/2014 17:57

Oh dear. Failed today :(

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/10/2014 17:59

What happened? Remember, 'failure' is relative. If you've made a mistake it doesn't negate the whole project.