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Original poster

Tell me I'm getting upset over nothing?

42 replies

certifiable · 03/10/2014 18:50

DP stays at home with our 3 kids (2 are technically my stepkids from his first marriage, but we have them fulltime and have done for 3 years now).

I work full time, and then some - lots of studying and exams on top. There are times when I have to work weekends, or nights, but generally I go to great effort to get some time off when it is school holidays, usually half term week, at least a week at Easter, and whatever is left in the summer.

DP spends a lot of time with his family and friends when I am at work - for instance if I am working 2 shifts at the weekend, he will usually take all the kids to visit his brother or sister or his friends from uni. I don't have any issues with this - no point them being at home if I am at work most of the time, I guess.

Was talking about next year and how I have submitted my annual leave for February half term. DP says 'oh'. I ask what the matter is - apparently he has already organised to take the kids skiing with his sister and their family. They are in the process of booking it now - he tells me it isn't set in stone, but it seems like it is. He said I can join them if I want to.

He says he assumed that I wouldn't get time off, and that it seemed 'too good an opportunity to pass up'. I feel irked at him not even asking if I would have time off that week, irked that the only way to spend time with them all that week is to join in on this holiday that apparently cannot be cancelled, even though it is not booked yet.

Maybe I'm jealous - but I would never stop them from going or from arranging their own holiday if it turns out I can't take that week...but to not ask me at all first?

OP posts:

MairzyDoats · 03/10/2014 18:53

I'd be irked too! You're a part of that family and even if he did think you wouldn't be able to make it he absolutely should have asked! Does he seem pleased at the prospect of you coming too?

Original poster

certifiable · 03/10/2014 18:54

Indifferent? I haven't expressed to him that this has upset me - tried to stay very neutral, but I think he did get the message that I was at least surprised to not be asked.

So I think he said it to placate me - because let's face it, even if he definitely wanted to go on holiday with his sister regardless of me coming or not, he would have spoken to me about it when first planning it surely?

OP posts:

magoria · 03/10/2014 18:55

If it is not booked of course it can be cancelled or another person added.

Get onto your SIL and tell her to add you asap BEFORE it is booked and too late.

You are totally right that it is unreasonable not to at least run a weeks holiday at a time when you normally get time off by your before booking it.

MairzyDoats · 03/10/2014 19:00

Why haven't you told him that he's upset you? Does he have form for not including you?

Quitelikely · 03/10/2014 19:04

Yanbu! I certainly think you should be consulted if someone is planning on taking your children on holiday and especially if that person is your husband!

Does he actually want you there or do you feel he would prefer it if you weren't there?

Original poster

certifiable · 03/10/2014 19:09

I just wanted to keep calm and think it over (i.e. consult MN) - he has a wonderful way of making me feel like I am unreasonable! But have to say we are generally happy together, and he has never done anything like this before - we both make an effort to spend the time that I am not at work together, as a couple if it's in the day when kids are at school, or as a family. Which is why this strikes me as strange.

Hard to tell if he wants me there. He said it all in quite a nonchalant way. After he told me about it and I pointed out the fact that I quite likely would have the time off work, he said "well you can come along with us then can't you". And yes, I can, and I don't mind doing that (would prefer a week with just our immediate family but still) - but that's not the point is it.

OP posts:

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 03/10/2014 19:12

Erm, who is earning the money to pay for four people to go skiing, or will this relative be paying for it all?

If the roles were reversed and it was a mother planning a holiday for her and the kids it would be bloody outrageous to not include the other party in the discussions when it was still a concept rather than an actual concrete plan.

Miffed wouldn't describe how I'd be feeling about it.

Quitelikely · 03/10/2014 19:13

No it's not the point OP! You are right to be peeved but I suppose since you're now invited you might just want to let it go but not before you have gently reminded him that in future you want to be consulted on such things! Not because you're a control freak but because it's bloody decent to tell your wife if your planning on shooting off with the kids on holiday!

Original poster

certifiable · 03/10/2014 19:25

The money argument wouldn't fly, he had a couple of properties that he rented out from before we got together so he does bring something in, even if he doesn't work for it. I wouldn't even object if it was specifically "my" earnings that paid for it - if he had seen if I was free first, or consulted me at all.

Feel like not going out of principle, and feel like an idiot that him and his sister and brother-in-law have probably been planning this for ages. But if I don't go on principle I'm probably not going to feel any better about it am I, and he got what he wanted / expected in the first place. Grr.

OP posts:

MairzyDoats · 03/10/2014 19:30

Do make sure you go if you can, it would be a shame not to go just to make a point. But I'd definitely be making my feelings quite clear, (in a calm and rational manner.) It's rude and inconsiderate of him not to consult you and you would like to be reassured that it wasn't deliberate.

GarlicOctopus · 03/10/2014 19:31

Well, it tells you where you feature in his mental image of his family :( How awful for you. You're well justified in being Very Cross about it! I hope this provokes a serious conversation about your relationship.

Quitelikely · 03/10/2014 19:33

One last thing, I'm struggling to reconcile how you have a good relationship but he plans this for months and doesn't tell you??

Something doesn't sit quite right here OP not sure what though!

Tinks42 · 03/10/2014 19:33

You said yourself that you work a lot including evenings and weekends. It's good that your DP has people around to be with when you aren't around. If the opportunity has arisen for him to go on holiday with his family, that's great. Just see if you can arrange time off to also go. I don't think he should cancel if you can't.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 03/10/2014 19:43

I'd be feeling pretty fucked-off to be made to feel like an irrelevance in my own marriage. "Sorry I didn't discuss it with you because I didn't feel the need to but tag along if you can spare the time, otherwise we're off to have a nice time without you". Nice.

valrhona · 03/10/2014 19:51

Is there a chance he thinks around just taking caring of planning breaks and it's just gone to another level? Is this the first holiday abroad planned without you?

Original poster

certifiable · 03/10/2014 19:51

I have no complaints about our relationship, other than this. I think DP is happy - the decision for me to work fulltime was a mutual one, which he was and I believe is still happy with, and I don't prevent him from doing things with the kids when I can't join in, as I said upthread. We do have a reasonable amount of quality time together, and do manage a proper holiday once a year, as well as a few shorter breaks.

I would honestly never have stopped him or even tried to make him feel bad about going, Tinks, if it turned out that I couldn't come. The bit that irks me is that he didn't even bother to ask.

The other weird thing is that - I struggle to get him to commit to anything in advance. Even a month in advance he will say "do we need to think about that now?" - even though, if we are trying to organise a night away as a couple, our families have all said it makes it a lot easier to plan in childcare if we ask them further in advance. He makes a big thing about me thinking ahead and trying to plan things in advance, says he prefers to play things by ear. Don't get it.

OP posts:

Cricrichan · 03/10/2014 20:03

Yanbu at all!!

I'm a sahm and it wouldn't occur to.me to book a holiday without consulting him! I'd of course go if I were you but tell him that something like a holiday is something that needs to get discussed and agreed upon together!

kaymondo · 03/10/2014 20:06

I think the thing that would bother me is that, if they've been talking about it for months, then surely he would actually have to have made a conscious decision NOT to mention it. Otherwise it would just have cropped up in conversation, as holidays do.

I just think that if all was well then when his DS first mentioned it he'd have said something to you first, even if just a casual 'oh this has been suggested, guess you'll be working but i think I'll take the kids'.

Sorry OP - and YADNBU.

ImperialBlether · 03/10/2014 20:11

OP, it seems as though he landed on his feet when he met you. I would be INCREDIBLY unhappy about this!

Original poster

certifiable · 03/10/2014 20:15

I don't know. Not the foggiest how long they have been planning it. At first he said it was just an off the cuff idea that they had, and seemed like it would "make everyone happy" (a-hem DP, not quite everyone...), but when I said about the potential of me having time off and us doing something as a family (i.e. our family of 5), it seemed like the idea at least is set in stone, even if they haven't booked anything yet.

Thing is, I know how he'll play it if I do make a fuss.

OP posts:

GarlicOctopus · 03/10/2014 20:20

The other weird thing is that - I struggle to get him to commit to anything in advance.

Oh, dear. Something's wrong. I'm sorry.

Thing is, I know how he'll play it if I do make a fuss.

How??

Original poster

certifiable · 03/10/2014 20:38

He has varying responses to disagreement - "I can't handle conflict", "it is only xyz, it's not worth getting upset over", "focus on the positive" (e.g. we have a lovely weekend planned next weekend / we can go away at easter), "we can't change the past".

We barely argue these days and haven't argued a great deal since we moved in together 3 years ago, but those were his stock responses in the early days. Perhaps he has moved on since then, but his "surprised" face when I seemed a bit put out about this holiday suggests he will still answer in a similar vein.

He's out at the moment, back in an hour or so. Will try to talk to him then.

OP posts:

Horsemad · 03/10/2014 20:40

He's a cheeky sod! I wonder when he would have deigned to mention his plans if you hadn't mentioned getting time off at Feb half term??

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 03/10/2014 21:19

There's a sub-text to all of these and this is my handle on them:

"I can't handle conflict" equals I can't be dealing with you disagreeing with me so stop hassling me, man.

"It is only xyz, it's not worth getting upset over". HE doesn't think it's worth you getting upset about it but he's not the fecking custodian of your feelings.

"Focus on the positive" Stop being a downer when I do, say or think things which you disagree with.

He's an arse.

ChasedByBees · 03/10/2014 21:32

It's not nothing. I'd be v v upset.

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