For people in happy stable ltr how easy was it from begining?

[Catzeyess]

If you are in a stable happy ltr was it always easy and happy from the begining with only minor hiccups or did you go through rough periods but have come out the other side to have a happy stable relationship?

Second question how many relationship problems do you think come from being with an incompatible person and how many from external influences such as upbringing/bullying etc which could be improved upon counselling?

For full disclosure:
Was having a chat with some friends in pub and was surprised at one person who said there relationship was really easy from begining no issues ever. My personal experience is happy easy ltr relationship but took a lot of arguments in the begining to really understand each other and communicate properly, I have a very dysfunctional family when it comes to healthy communication and had to learn it almost all from scratch.

It depends too much on all the other circumstances.

Logistically, the beginning of my relationship was extremely difficult due to living so far apart, but it never once felt difficult.

If you were to write our relationship on paper it would seem like the most amount of hassle ever, but it has always felt very smooth, very easy, and not at all like hard work.

Of course we argue sometimes, but it's rare.

Rough period for the first 5 months, then it all settled down. We've always got along very very well as friends since we met but actually being together, we came up against a few hurdles that we've had to work hard at getting over. If it feels right, it usually is, and vice versa. Once we'd moved in together we were much happier but that's not a fix-all solution to everyone's problems.

For your second question, I truly believe that about 70-80% of our 'programming' comes from our parents/childhood/upbringing and so a LOT of issues can easily surface during what is normally quite an intimate time of your life...for example, my family are obsessive at times over money and as a result I am a little OCD with me and DP's finances and we argue about it a bit but really its of no consequence because we have learnt to be honest and upfront with each other about spending etc.

while it is common to say that you have to work hard on your ltr/marriage etc, I think it is also true to say that it shouldn't be hard work.

In other words, too much hard work and it simply isn't worth it. We have been happy and pretty easy going from the beginning. The issues we did have were communication ones coming from 2 very different family styles. We realised that after a bit, and then could deal with it, rather than have an argument and both wonder why it got so heated.

We are very different personalities, but agree absolutely on certain things which matter a lot to us both.

Yes, I suppose that in some ways it was easy from the beginning. Or at least it wasn't hard - it wasn't as if one of us was pushing to make the relationship something that it wasn't naturally.

There have been rough periods, but we've found our way through them. Mainly because we wanted to find a way through them. But I'm not so naive as to not acknowledge they weren't really rough times. We've not had to face anything awful and who knows how any relationship will survive that.

There will probably always be differences based on upbringing and external influences, but to me the key factor is how you work together to overcome those differences and want to reach a compromise. But I suppose part of that ties into a person being able to acknowledge that perhaps there are things from their past they need to deal with?

For the first couple of months I struggled. I really liked him but he doesn't talk much and was a bit of a slow burner, nothing like previous relationships
He still doesn't talk much but I'm glad I stuck with it because he's now my DH and my whole world. I couldn't be without him

Fairly easy from the word go because in all honesty I had very little time or tolerance for anything not to my liking.

Had there been any continuous issues beyond the first few weeks, he would have been gone.

No question.

22 years later & we are still as compatible and get along very well.

Been together over 20 years, have our ups and downs still, but mainly happy - arguments are usually down to kids, money, work stress.

We come from different backgrounds and both expect to parent the way our parents did which causes a lot of issues.

7 years married here. Easy from the beginning. We'd known each other a long time before we got together though, and were both older, so less growing up to do.

Experience of other relationships tells me that if it's hard work in the beginning, or it makes you feel really up and down at the beginning, then it's not right (i stayed around to confirm that too often!)

The 'being together' bit should feel natural and easy, though external circumstances might be tough at times.

I think there will be lots of different perspectives on this and experience will vary greatly. What's mopey any is the here and now.

Relationships require nurturing and effort but shouldn't be too much hard work in the sense that they cause constant or regular inner misery.

• should say whats more important

Doh!

Thanks for the replies :)

It's a good balance working out what is normal relationship nurturing and what is too much effort!

I definitely think some people find relationships easier than others dependant on their upbringing.

I've always found our relationship easy. We've had challenges which have not been of our making and the fact we both haVe different ways of dealing with them has made things tougher, I think.

We are both appalling with no sleep though, which made the first year of DS life really, really hard and I think we came very close to splitting up. We both have regrets about that time, if we'd communicated better then I think it wouldn't have gone so close to the wire.

Surely the beginning should be the easy, fun, honeymoon period? I've been with my DH for 6 years (married 2). The first few months were absolutely blissful. Then my DB died and things generally got tough, but we got through it all and we're stronger afterwards. We've had various challenging periods but generally none of it has been 'hard work'. We just make sure we make time for each other and are always considerate and kind.

Been together 20 years and we've had quite a few problems right from the beginning. They were mostly caused by external sources though. In the beginning it was his ex, then my parents got divorced, then his mum had to stay with us in a 1 bedroom flat, then trouble with his brother, more trouble from the ex, trouble from my mother, trouble from his mother, my mother's DP, his brother, my mother, my mother's DP, the ex...and so on. When we're actually left alone we get on so well, even though we're complete opposites. We are a team and face life that way, or at least we try to. We also both have fucking tonnes of issues from childhood, my mother is a Narc, his mother is schizophrenic, his brother is a Narc, he was in and out of care, I wasn't allowed a life unless it involved my mother etc. Honestly sometimes I wonder how we've managed to stay together all these years.

Our first year together was a total honeymoon, best year of my life, in fact.

I can't imagine forging a new relationship with someone and arguing all the time. I wouldn't be interested in pursuing that. it would feel like hard work, and while long-term relationships can sometimes go through periods where outside forces can mean they require some nurturing, they shouldn't be hard work and constant arguing.

We've been together 26 years, the first 16 was lovely, but about 10 years ago we went through a very bad time, deaths, illnesses, work stress, teenage dds etc etc. It lasted for about 8 years
We came very close to splitting but thankfully went for counselling instead! For the past few years, we are very much back to things being absolutely fantastic again. I'm so glad we stuck it out.

I have never understood this "relationships are hard work" thing. If they are hard work, why stay in them?

We have been together 17 years, since we were both 17. It has, at times, been very hard work and stressful. At the moment we are having a difficult patch. The problem with them is that it isn't like constant arguing - it is an undercurrent. We both have family issues, him much more so, and have had to grow up together, which had good and bad sides.

I have been with my DH for 20 years and probably had about 10 big arguments with him in all that time. The beginning part of the relationship was easy, we just clicked and still do. We have had challenges in life and some have made us stressy with each other and at other times they have broughtbus even closer together.
Before meeting him I had lots of relationships with men that were more difficult at the beginning but in my experience they just stayed difficult. Relationships do need working at but I don't think they should be hard work if that makes sense.

I've been with DP 8 years and we've had about 3 arguments in that time. Twice about sex and once about me being unfulfilled. Apart from that it's been pretty stress free. It's been the easiest relationship I've ever been in. We have to work on it as it's very easy to become complacent in that time but I don't believe I could do it if it was hard work all the time.

Yeah pretty easy from the word go. That's not to say we haven't had issues but neither of us is confrontational so we've always managed to talk through problems without having screaming rows. We had to learn to live together. Modify annoying of selfish habits that aren't always apparent when you're single.

DP and I were friends before we got together and from the get go things have been fab. We have the odd niggle over daft stuff, we don't argue, but we do sit down and calmly discuss whatever is bothering us -this is due to the fact my ex used to scream at me and I still can't handle shouting.

We "work" at our relationship insofar as we take time to do things together and follow our own interests. We have the utmost respect for each other and we are the best of friends.

We're peas from the same pod and madly stupidly in love

It's been easy from the beginning here too, things have just fallen into place. Met 2003, married 2006, very happy days. We are very compatible personality wise, but there is one core value that we almost got divorced on a couple years back. But that was after a few years marriage and two kids so we both wanted to work through it. It was hard!

But if a newish relationship is difficult, it means (from my experience) that one person is working harder to keep the relationship = one person is much keener. (Unless it's a ltr or other outside influences that make it difficult, for which personally I wouldn't have too much patience).

If you are dating or in newish relationship I would just rule out any guy who has "issues" to work through. I wouldn't let myself get involved too deep until I knew him better to see what he was really like. It is not worth it battling through stuff from the beginning. I'd walk away tbh. Why make life difficult? But I also don't believe in the ONE, I think there are many people compatible with me, not only one.

And I would make sure you agree on core values before getting serious like where/how do you want to live, how many kids will you have if any, how will you bring them up, do you want to be religious, how much should we involve our respective families.

I think there are about 100 such questions you could go through, something I never did and we almost stumbled on this.