For people in happy stable ltr how easy was it from begining?

[Catzeyess]

If you are in a stable happy ltr was it always easy and happy from the begining with only minor hiccups or did you go through rough periods but have come out the other side to have a happy stable relationship?

Second question how many relationship problems do you think come from being with an incompatible person and how many from external influences such as upbringing/bullying etc which could be improved upon counselling?

For full disclosure:
Was having a chat with some friends in pub and was surprised at one person who said there relationship was really easy from begining no issues ever. My personal experience is happy easy ltr relationship but took a lot of arguments in the begining to really understand each other and communicate properly, I have a very dysfunctional family when it comes to healthy communication and had to learn it almost all from scratch.

Pretty easy from the start. That's why its a happy, stable LTR, I guess. Not saying that we never had periods of 'storming and reforming' but never any major angst or worries. Just, figuring each other out, I suppose!

I honestly believe that a relationship that is angst-ridden and anxiety-provoking from the start (no matter how wonderful the bits in between might be) is doomed to failure. Relationships should, fundamentally, be safe, happy, relaxing places to be.

Very easy, felt totally natural, didn't have to play any games or anything. That's how I knew he was the one to marry.

I'm also in the camp who believes that relationships should not be a massive constant struggle. A good partner should make your life easier and more pleasant, not create extra work.

16 years with an ex - it was mostly pretty happy. First 3 years we had not a single argument. The relationship didn't become hard work until we had kids 10 yrs later.

My relationship felt easy from the start. We lived about an hour apart for the first year, I had dd1, he didn't think he wanted children, but it always felt easy between the 2 of us. Moving in together was more of a compromise because we both moved so we could both still get to work, and dd2 needed to move schools, etc. None of that felt like huge problems. We've only ever had 2 big arguments, both times about babies. I got my way (dd2) the first time, but he got his way the second time, not through me backing down but through unhappy circumstances. We've been together about 10years and I'm pretty sure we have a long term future.

Mainly easy. We have had our battles but fought them together, not against each other. In general I think that life is hard enough and full of struggle without creating your own.

I am lucky to have come from a happy home and perhaps that has made it easier for me to expect support and care in this way.

I've never understood this "relationships are hard work" thing.

If a relationship was hard work, why would you stay in it?

And I am prepared to bet it's only ever women who talk about "working" on relationships.............

I suppose it depends what you count as rough? Yes, it's been easy since the beginning. But our two "rough" patches:

1. He totally misunderstood something I asked him to do, did what he thought I was asking, and I totally panicked and interpreted it in a really different way (it was something to do with physical strength). I was extremely upset because I thought that I would have to leave him even though the rest of the relationship was great. We talked about it and he was mortified and upset that he'd upset me and he has never crossed that boundary of mine ever again.

1. Long distance stuff. Not trust just, again, difficulty communicating and also meshing two totally different roles/lifestyles (his lifestyle: single (celibate!) young male in a brand new country, my lifestyle: lone parent working part time, studying, coping with challenging 3-4 year old behaviour issues) and trying to work out what we both wanted WRT where to live, etc.

Totally agree your core values need to be the same. You can't go against these in yourself without feeling wrong/bad so you need to either agree or have beliefs/values which can happily coexist. You will always either be pushing away a part of yourself, making your partner push away a part of themselves or repeat the same old fights for eternity if you don't.

I am confused by what you've put in the opening post, and totally agree with Magical on P1.
Surely the first few months of a relationship are - as Magical puts it - the 'honeymoon period'. If a relationship were hard work at the beginning, then it wouldn't become a relationship, I'd have decided we weren't compatible and moved on.
The first months are surely all about the romance and the fun and the most lovely of times as you get to know each other?
It's later, maybe once you just "get comfortable" and stop trying to go out of your way to do nice things for each other that relationships are likely to struggle I'd have thought, particularly when your lives come under strain from other factors - lack of sleep with young dc, or illness, or redundancy, lack of money, etc. etc.

if I think about my LTR with DP there are a few things that have made it good from Day 1

Absence of mind games

Full trust - as our first 6 years were Long Distance, so without trust, we wouldnt have survived (Linked to the "no mind games" DP would never letch or oggle, which I feel is just a male way of keeping someone always insecure and guessing)

Openness - ability to share feelings without defensiveness that we have to hide stuff from each other.

Freedom - having our own interests and time to ourselves

Never letting things fester - get the argument resolved quickly, then forget and move on so it doesnt cause resentment. Times when we could have let things go on and on, we just realised it was too much effort!

Very easy, (despite living in separate cities), we got engaged after six weeks and are still together 26 years later.

Both of us come from old fashioned stable married homes with very loving, firm boundary setting, but realistic parents.

It's a horrible cliché, but our parents gave us 'roots and wings' and it really does help.

Catz, Im not sure about your exact circumstances, but in my life I can remember 3 relationships that didnt get past 'first base' with me and each one was because the first few months were just awful. Unfortunately they were with blokes who I thought I had fallen in love with, yet the tell tale signs were there that we werent right for each other. It would always involve rows, struggles to communicate and ultimately the realisation that there had been too many ups and downs too early on, for it to be worth pursuing.

When the relationship is right, things tend to click into place with ease, like a lego brick. When its wrong, its like a piece of a jigsaw that is being forced into the wrong part of the puzzle, it just wont fit!!

I think it could have been a lot harder for is if we both hadn't been confident in the fact that both of us want to be together and want the best for each other, even if at times that's not what's best for us.

Also that if our partner cocks up, it's because they made a mistake without intent.

We've been through some of the hardest circumstances possible over the years but we try to pull together. It's not been easy but knowing we are on each other's time makes it easier.

what daisy said. You would think that if a relationship is struggle from the start, any sane person would give up and not pursue it further. You have quite a different view when you are actually in that relationship though.

I have also thought I was in love and surely you just need to put some effort in? The struggles are because you simply need to get used to each other and well, the timing is not the greatest and ..

But no. If it does not work, it does not.

I am naturally quite a solitary person, so being 'with' someone longterm, can sometimes feel a bit difficult.

But I've been with my partner for nearly 20 years.

I think the other things that have been difficult, are there sort of 'out there' things anyone might find difficult. Aspects of helping to bring up my two stepchildren have involved some awkward conversations.

Soon after we moved in together, we were very hard up.

Caring for my (very elderly and frail) father-in-law has had its stresees.

We're also adjusting to the changes brought by retirement. So some times have felt easier than others.

But I don't think we've ever stopped caring for - and about - each other.

It was easy from the beginning.

We took it very slowly to begin with, partly because we worked together, and partly because we were young (both 22) and wanted to have fun with our friends and not settle down too young. So it was very relaxed and casual for ages and gradually got more serious. (I don't mean we were seeing other people - just that we definitely didn't live in each other's pockets.) We've never argued much or had any major issues.

We did go through a rocky patch when the DC were very young - sleep deprivation, not communicating well or spending enough quality time together etc. I think that's pretty common though.

We both come from happy stable families, so maybe that helps.

Very easy from the beginning

There were one or two things that had to be smoothed out, mainly what I was prepared to accept in a relationship and what I wasn't

But because we were on the same side and always were, it was pretty straightforward

Easy from the start, no major hiccups except MIL

Ime the relationships that were hard work from early on didn't work out. With dH it was easy from day 1 - he's easy going and we're compatible but also we met when I was at a point in my life where drama had really lost any appeal and I just wanted to have a nice time as much as possible. Plenty of strains now DS is here but we v rarely argue.

It's always been easy with my H and we've never really had any difficulties. Our approach to family finances, child rearing, household management, work distribution expectations and our expenditure were broadly the same from the start.

A few 'sit down and talk about it' sessions as any disparity cropped up and we've always been able to find a way through to a compromise without falling out.

We both treat each other and our differing opinions with mutual respect. We always say sorry ASAP if one of us messes up. We take credit and responsibility where it's due. If we have a relationship issue, sex, intimacy, boundaries etc we know we can talk to the other and then we do something to fix it.

I knew early on he was 'it' for me because it's never been hard to be with him.

We had various arguments, relationship overlaps and an accidental pregnancy within the first six months. I think ours was the most likely relationship to fail on paper ever!

But it's wonderful. Together six years, married, two dc. Very, very rarely argue. No hassle, no drama, kind, supportive, wonderful sex life if not tmi. Somehow muddled through and feel very lucky that we did.

DH and I have been together 10 years. About 4 years in we had a tough patch, mainly careers pulling us in different directions and wanting different things at the time. This bad patch lasted about a year, we did consider separating but ultimately realised we'd be much more miserable apart than together. 6 years on and we are happy, content and very settled. We are both grateful we worked through it as we now have our lovely ds and another on the way. The 'chemistry' has always been there, I can't imagine ever being with anyone else and even during the tough times I loved him dearly. I agree with others that it should never be too much hard work too early on. We honestly rarely argue and see eye to eye on most things, if you always have trust and respect for each other I do think you can work through almost anything. If he ever did anything to break my trust though I don't think I could get past that.

We had gone through a long and complicated struggle to get my then DF to the UK. After my divorce, I had lived alone and celibate for a long time (10 years) and travelled all over W Africa.
When he finally arrived we were both nervous, and tbh I felt my house had been invaded. It's hard when you're used to your own space and ways.
Also I was worried by the great differences between us. He is black, I am white. He is a Muslim, I'm a practising Christian. He knew nothing about life in the West. He spoke no English at all. All my friends were worried that I'd done a totally mad thing!
BUT, from the start, we were so happy. And it's still a wonderfully happy marriage. Over the years it's mellowed of course, which is lovely.

I do feel that a truly happy relationship should be easy, effortless and bring joy.
If it's a struggle, with lots of rows and harsh words, if there's addiction, infidelity or other serious problems, then it isn't the right partnership for the couple.
In retrospect, we can see that we actually are very similar. We like a quiet and peaceful life. We don't like noise. We don't drink or smoke. We adore travel. Fidelity is a must. We have enormous respect for each other and total trust. We each believe in God in our own way.I should say we're immensely compatible.