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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So worried about relationship

27 replies

Lightanddark · 02/10/2014 23:44

I really need some advice and straight talking because I think my relationship is starting to go downhill. Met someone online 8 months ago, it's been very good almost all the time and he is nice and treats me well. I have fallen for him loads and he tells me he loves me. We have met eachothers families and all is good.

The problem is, perversely I seem to be getting more insecure as time goes on, I'm not sure if this is because I'm in love now and I'm scared or what. Firstly we had a few little arguments on holiday because I felt he was looking at other women in bikinis too much, I know I am the jealous type. Plus I seem to be really preoccupied with where the relationship is going, or not.

I would see him every day if it was up to me, I would like us to live together in the not too distant future but I really don't know how he feels about it. It's not something we've talked about and I don't want to be the one to broach the subject. If I did and he were to turn me down I think it would be the end for me because it would worry me deeply that he wasn't as committed

He seems quite happy not to see me a couple of nights a week although some of those I work late, but after 5 yrs living alone I hate coming home to an empty house now. I guess there's no real rush but as I'm approaching 50 equally I don't want to be wasting a lot of time on someone who may never want to move to that stage with me. I just worry he's so comfortable with his life as it is that he doesn't need or want to make changes

The other issue is I just seem so scared to say what I want and feel until I get upset then it all comes out a bit aggressively or emotionally. Then even after we have talked things through and supposedly resolved things I spend hours worrying I've wreaked the relationship. We've had a few words tonight and I'm in aright state thinking because I say what I feel or tell him if he's said something to upset me that I'm killing what we have

OP posts:
Original poster
Lightanddark · 03/10/2014 06:51

Bump

OP posts:
Nulliferous · 03/10/2014 06:56

Counselling? You're investing far too much in this man.

Original poster
Lightanddark · 03/10/2014 07:06

Am I investing too much? I thought I had just been enjoying a relationship and let's face it most people want that but for some reason am getting all anxious now.

You might be right in that counselling may help with some issues I have but counsellors are not free in my area and I don't have money to pay

I think I was hoping for a bit of reassurance that maybe others had felt the way I do

OP posts:
Original poster
Lightanddark · 03/10/2014 07:16

I was in an abusive relationship prior to this and things he repeated to me I find coming back to haunt me. Everything was always my fault, everything. If I voiced my feelings about something he'd done that had upset me then woe betide me. So I learned to live with a fear and an anger inside and often not speak out. I was threatened with leaving me in fact he did several times, so I think it's now made me scared that any disagreement might lead to that.

I have discovered yesterday that my ex is now in a new relationship and they look blissfully happy. I can't help but think that he was right, it's me with a massive problem that I spoilt it all but really deep down I know that's not true, he was a nasty bastard when he wasn't choosing to manipulate. Can it be that he will be different with her? Is there something in me that caused it. It's made me doubt everything. I feel I don't have what it takes to make a man want to be with me

OP posts:
JaceyBee · 03/10/2014 07:30

Your last post makes it sound even more important that you have counselling tbh.

Relationships really bring 'stuff' up for us. Many people, (me included and I am a counsellor!) are fine when single and merrily go about their life, but when they get into a relationship all the insecurity and self-doubt comes bubbling up to the surface!

I honk you're right to be worried actually. You're insecurity could ruin your relationship and you need to take your foot off the gas and slow things right down. It's very normal to have some days every week when you don't see each other. In fact it's preferable. If you don't have as many friends/hobbies as him then make a conscious effort to make some. Don't be constantly available and don't be afraid to say no to him sometimes. There's nothing attractive about someone who's too clingy and relies on you for all their needs to be met. Well, there is for some guys but that's a big red flag in itself IMO!

Your abusive relationship will have had a huge impact on your self worth. If you really can't afford counselling, and it doesn't have to cost the earth, try some self-help books, there are plenty of good ones out there. Anne Dickson is a good place to start. Smile

JaceyBee · 03/10/2014 07:32

Honk = think!

IDismyname · 03/10/2014 07:36

I second or third counselling. Sounds like you have unresolved issues that you need to talk about.

Original poster
Lightanddark · 03/10/2014 07:39

The strangest thing was I had a long marriage 20plus years prior to the abusive 4 year one. It didn't work out and I left because I felt I didn't really love him but he was never abusive just didn't fulfilling me emotionally. We are not on bad terms. Yet the ex BF's behaviour and words have had far more impact on me than the long marriage. He said nobody would ever put up with me and my husband only did it because he was weak ect. Logically I know everything wasn't my fault he was also sexually and financially abusive. I can't believe the effect it's had on me. Now hat he has someone else I think maybe it was me, perhaps he treats her well

OP posts:
Original poster
Lightanddark · 03/10/2014 07:43

Btw I never complain I'm not seeing him enough. We arrange the nights we see eachother around my shifts and this normally means 2 or 3 nights a week apart. Which is fine really and even then he phones me. I guess deep down I have a deep seated fear that nobody will really want to be with me forever, partly due to the ex's behaviour and treatment of me and from childhood issues

OP posts:
Tomuchtosay · 03/10/2014 07:54

Have a look on online for charity run counselling. They do ask for a contribution but are affordable.

FolkGirl · 03/10/2014 08:29

I'm very similar to you, OP.

I've decided to be single now. In my first 4 weeks of singledom, I've been asked out twice. Neither man is of any interest to me (for different reasons) but I've realised I'm much happier and more confident on my own. And other people seem to see that, too.

I doubt that he does treat this woman that well. Or maybe he does and won't for long. Or maybe he does because they are more compatible. Whatever the truth, it wasn't you or your fault.

Original poster
Lightanddark · 03/10/2014 08:40

I'd prefer not to be single and I do love him. Much of the time I am happy, he has made me happy over the last few months it's just every so often I seem to get like this. It's worse when we are apart, when he with me it's mostly fine. He's included me in all areas of his life and seems to want to be with me, I just seem to create problems in my head. These seem to surface even more when I'm premenstual. Wish I could sort my head out and relax

OP posts:
Ragwort · 03/10/2014 08:46

You are investing far too much in a 'relationship' - find some other interests/hobbies, you do come across as a bit needy and are over thinking what is really a fairly new friendship. A romantic relationship is only part of your life - what else do you enjoy doing? Have you family and friends to spend time with?

Original poster
Lightanddark · 03/10/2014 08:56

Yes of course I have family whom I see and friends. I'm focussing on my relationship on here because I'm aware these issues keep cropping up in my head and it's a way of letting it out I guess without bothering people in real life. I'm not sure I agree it's a fairly new friendship, all relationships move at different paces, some fast, some slower, some more intense than others, there's no rule book and no right or wrong, just different. I see it as more than a friendship. We've been very close, been on holiday know each other's families. Am I wrong to invest? Surely you have to invest for a relationship to work. Obviously he's not my be all and end all, I have other things in my life but I can't deny he means a lot to me

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 03/10/2014 09:30

It's normal to invest in a relationship, of course the OP wants it to work out.

OP I think the suggestion of therapy is a good one, even if you've done it before. Your ex obviously had a damaging impact on you that is affecting your life going forward. Have you done the Freedom Programme?

It's really important that you take control of your life, and find the courage to talk to your partner about where this is going, specifically about living together. You're right not to want to waste time with someone who doesn't want the same things as you.

If you tend to get aggressive when you talk about things, then I would plan exactly what you want to say, and rehearse it privately, keeping calm and focused.

Lastly I think the suggestions to have some life outwith this relationship are also good, it will make you less dependent and build your confidence.

Original poster
Lightanddark · 03/10/2014 09:56

Thank you twinklestein I'm sure everybody's trying to help but it worries me when people say I'm investing too much. What is too much? One persons too much is another's norm and so forth. So unless it is totally taking over my life making me miserable very second then I don't feel I'm investing too much. You feel what you feel and If you want a relationship to last then that just how you feel

As far as living together Is concerned I really wouldn't know how to broach it. I feel it should come from him. He has made it perfectly clear that he sees us as long term and he loves me yet I still have all these issues. He hasn't mentioned living together. I own a house he doesn't so maybe that's why he hasn't mentioned it. I think I will try to cool down have some fun and see what comes up in conversation over the next few months there might be an opening. I'm in no massive hurry to actually do it but I think I just like to know he's thinking in the same direction

I will look at the freedom program also

OP posts:
Jacksonville14 · 03/10/2014 09:57

You can do the Freedom Programme online free at One Space.

Original poster
Lightanddark · 03/10/2014 10:02

Thank you jacksonville

OP posts:
pushtheskyaway · 03/10/2014 10:12

I think that people are saying you are investing too much OP because it is coming across as if your peace of mind and happiness is massively linked to this man. Yes, we all want our relationships to work, but to make it the main source of your happiness (especially 8 months in) really isn't in your best interests.

After 8 months moving in together might not even be on his mind. The trouble is that people give off vibes even when they try not to. So even if you try and cool down; there is still a chance he will subconsciously pick up on what you are really thinking. Which could lead to him feeling pressured, and you ending up miserable.

I really do think counselling would be a good idea. Abusive relationships can leave far deeper a mark on us that we realise. I know what is is like...I've been there myself. It sometimes takes years to sort out all the issues and feelings you are left with.

It's a terrible cliche, but if he is the right man for you then it will work out, and if he isn't then it won't. There's bugger all you can do either way! Put yourself at the centre of your own well being, not this guy (or any other guy come to that) It's the much better option in these sorts of situations. Smile

Sickoffrozen · 03/10/2014 11:13

Comments about the ex

"They look blissfully happy" - looks can be deceiving!

"Maybe he treats her well" - and maybe he doesn't.

Don't fixate on what he is doing. He is now nothing to you. Just he glad you got away from him!

Insecurity is not a very attractive feature. It's certainly an area for you to work on.

As for him living with you, you will need to broach this at some point if it is what you want. Personally I think you have the perfect relationship. A couple of nights of peace each week and the rest together. I don't know why so many people want the full on 100% of the time relationship when they seem to already have great lives and a good relationship. I wouldn't rock the boat personally if it were me as it would suit me down the the ground. I'm not you though so you must do what you think is right!

Nulliferous · 03/10/2014 11:27

I hate coming home to an empty house

I'd prefer not to be single

This is what you need to work on, OP. You shouldn't be using Mr Internet-Dating-8-Months-In to fill the holes in your self esteem. Be honest - it could be any man, couldn't it?

It's not fair to expect a partner to solve your unhappiness and loneliness, single-handedly. It's not fair and it's not realistic.

Original poster
Lightanddark · 03/10/2014 11:35

I'm not using him for anything, I like him,care for him and enjoy being with him. Surely it's perfectly normal to want to be with someone and spend time with them when you feel this way and also to want the relationship to progress. And NO it couldn't be ANY man, I feel I've actually found someone decent which isn't an easy feat quite honestly

However I'm aware I do have some issues, in part due to my last relationship and my chaotic hormones at the moment. What on earth is wrong with preferring to be in a partnership? It's not a crime to say that and it doesn't mean I'm grasping for any man desperately either

I'm just desperate not to spoil what I have with my anxieties when they surface

OP posts:
pushtheskyaway · 03/10/2014 12:18

I think you are feeling attacked OP, but I really don't think that is people's intention.

Of course there is nothing wrong with wanting to be in a partnership, and it is perfectly natural to feel that way.

At the moment there seems to be an incompatibility in how you want the relationship to progress. You would like to see him every night, and at this stage he is happy to have a few nights off. Neither of you are right or wrong in your desires, but I do think that these issues are going to bubble under the surface, and make you anxious until they are resolved.

I'm not convinced that pretending to be fine is the way forward here to be honest. If you do want to move in together (and at nearly 50 there's nowt wrong with not wanting to fanny around about it) then why not bite the bullet and ask him if that is something he can see happening at some point?

If he is the right man you will get the answer you want, and if he isn't then you won't and you can move on. Surely that is better than endless nail biting anxiety? If a relationship is the right one then you can't "ruin" it be showing someone how into then you are...because they will be on the same page!

Original poster
Lightanddark · 03/10/2014 12:32

The only time he has mentioned moving in at least temporarily was when I thought I may need a fairly major operation and he said He would have to move in for a while and help me out. But luckily I am ok and so it hasn't really come up again. I think I will have to leave it a bit longer before bringing the subject up as we have had a couple of small disagreements this week which is unusual for us, so it's not the best timing

The thing is I suppose I'm afraid to say anything because he may not be ready now but could be a bit further down the line and I know how awful I would feel if he were to turn me down, plus my insecurity would shoot off the scale

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 03/10/2014 14:10

Sorry but you are way over-invested in this relationship. Get a hobby or something. The more you fixate on your desperate need for True Love and for him to move in and propose and all that, the more your own life shrivels up - and the more likely he is to pick up on your neediness and run for the hills.
If you are a generally insecure person, this is your problem and the only person who can fix it is you with the help of a counsellor. The Perfect Partner can't make everything right just by existing in your life. A whining, clinging partner is very offputting to nice, healthy people - the only people who find desperation and vulnerability attractive are predators.