Half pissed DD1,DD2 and DP

[Youvefuckedup]

So today me and dd2 (16 months) where invited for tea at my friends, there I had 2 glasses of wine. When I got in dd2 (19) was just getting in from work.

I must add here that dd1 had been with me through a terrible abusive relationship and seen and heard things she shouldn't have.

Dp came home, he had his tea, we had a 'discussion' about an issue (at no point had either if us be one shouty - maybe me a little ) about half hour later dd2 started crying, a habit that as only started this week, at the same time me and dp we trying to shut patio door which is really temperamental and makes a loud bang. We choose to let her CIO for about five mns.

Then Dd1 came flying down the stairs shouting " have you just hit her? Have you? Have you? " dp was rooted to the spot. He was just trying to put the door in and she as accusing him off hitting me.

Dp has never raised a whisper to me.

I ushered her up stairs and said she she was bang out of order and needed to apologise. She said she couldnt cope withy the lack of sleep.

I'm sat here crying my eyes out knowing that all my dickhead head years have effected my dd1. That she thought that the banging was me being knocked about. I've been with dp for four years we have never been physical - ever. She was shouting at him in my defence and that fuckng kills me. There was actually nothing to shout at but she woke up and thought I was in trouble and flew down stairs. It's been 10 years since I left abusive ex.

Dp has gone to bed, don't know how to approach this tomorrow.

U should be really proud of your dd1 for being brave and coming to your defence- even though u were fine, it must have triggered off all sorts of memories of feeling scared, angry and unsafe- and she came and did something about it!
When u have all calmed down maybe talk to her. Is she worried about your relationship with dp? Also, don't be offended but this is an opportunity toHave a good think yourself and be honest with yourself- how shouty were u both? Not uncommon for people to end up repeating abusive relationships, is there any chance that is happening with u?

Bump -

It sounds as though you could both benefit from some family counselling to explore the things that happened during those dark years with professional help.

I'm not sure about the 'half pissed' thing? We're you drunk? Did she think you were? Did that trigger awful memories?

I don't think drinking did you any favours tonight.

I think tomorrow would be a good time for you and your DP to have a frank chat about your own behaviour - recognising that with a young baby things are tough and this can escalate emotions. Then perhaps for your DP to chat with DD - to reassure her that her concerns are unfounded and that you are safe with him, (assuming this is the case) even when you are both sleep deprived . They'll probably both feel embarrassed/awkward tomorrow so I think they need to chat if only to recognise that they're both on the same page in loving you

Sorry cup didn't see your response.

I said to dp when she had gone upstairs that she felt she could do something now she was older/braver.

I was a bit shouty not not actually shouting though. I was a bit pissed off, but nothing major, if was forgotten about when we were shutting door.

I feel so sad/sorry for her . I hate myself. Every thinks I did a great job raising her - but actually I didn't .

And also should say - don't best yourself up - leaving an abusive relationship is an incredibly difficult thing to do and you did it !

Now this is your chance to model a positive relationship for your DD1, so seize the opportunity to engage in discussion about communication and respect, even if it's hard

Sorry clumsy choice of phrase there

I'm sorry, but I don't agree that she was bang out of order at all. She didn't choose to react, she was conditioned to react by the abuse she witnessed in her childhood. I don't think that she has anything to apologise for either - that would be asking her to apologise for reacting to a trigger from her abusive childhood.

It must have been awful for your dp, but if he knows the back story he should completely understand.

I'm a bit that you ushered her upstairs telling her she was bang out of order and demanding she apologise for reacting to a trigger? This isn't her fault, it's her baggage.

I'm not saying it's your fault, of course not, but I think your reaction to her was massively unfair. Ten years ago or not she's obviously been damaged - you can't blame her for reacting.

Please don't say this is your fault though, because the responsibility for her reaction lies solely with the man who abused you both. It's not her fault, but it's not yours either.

I would apologise to her for telling her she was out of order.
Not nice for your boyfriend, but I think he should make allowances for her as this sounds like a one off. She may well want to apologise to him, but I'd ask him to back off and not make that the priority issue here.
She needs a chance to be open about how she was feeling. And I think counselling a good idea too.
Yes, she heard things she shouldn't. But you also taught her that you can stand up to it.

Cool and sun thanks for responding, I shouldn't have told her to apologise (we were in her room so she didn't any way)

This is my fault.
I knew this could happen, dp wS shocked but didn't say a word and really down played it but I know it's deeper.

I'm going to ask dp to e mail her in work, or should I? I don't know? Dp is actually the only bloke Ive been with that hadn't laid his hands on me but Is under Fire. In the four years we have been together we had one rough patch but no nastyness. She was quite expressive though that she didn't like him and it was honestly unfounded.

cabrina dd1 when she was younger seen a lot of things not just heard. I always worried it would have an effect - I think it is .

Your right though, I shouldn't have asked her to apologise. I will fix that .

That immediate response to what DD1 thought was DV was illuminating and tells you she has carried bad memories with her. Has she ever talked with a professional and opened up about this? I suspect you could also benefit from family counselling with her.

Rebuking her and asking her to apologise for leaping to your defence was a lapse brought on by presumably being a bit 'tired and emotional' yourself. She jumped to the wrong conclusion but given past history and being half asleep she was unable to distinguish at a distance between a door being slammed and you being assaulted.

Tomorrow think I'd see her on her own first and foremost to reassure her and say what she did was evidently instinctive and very brave. But underline that DP has never raised his hand and you will do everything in your power to avoid going through that again. Then if possible have DP present and reiterate nothing untoward was happening.

Hope DP understood the reasons behind her strong reaction. I wonder how they normally get along.

I was going to say what Coolas said, pretty much word for word, but I see you have taken that on board already.

No, don't get him to email her, talk tomorrow night or over the weekend and let them both be honest about how they feel, what happened etc. Don't try to 'manage' it.

I am surprised your instinct was to usher her upstairs to tell her off, it really should have been for you both to hug her and tell her that it was all OK and you were sorry for how your/her past has left her feeling like this, but that DP isn't like those other men, he's there for both of you (assuming that's true).

donkey we have talked about councilling. I think she would be up for it, do however thinks it's all in the past and we should move on on.

I could fuckng kick myself for saying to her she was out of order - it was just the shock on dp face while she was shouting at him that made me stick up for him. Little did know it was her I should have been seeing to.

Dp understands but I think he thinks it's a bit over the top.

She doesn't like him?
I wouldn't like him if he dismissed something is traumatic as all in the past.

For gods sake don't tell him to email her at work!!! No-one needs domestic shit interrupting their job.

I'd tell him to step aside and get over it, and you TALK to her.

chipping I know. I've failed her once again - I actually have .

Why the fuck did I take the offensive? I absolutely hate myself

cabrina she didn't like him from the start because he had a van rather than a range rover what she was used to - fickle I know - but that's 15 years olds. He would never say to her get over it. - more to me in a " we are our future- forget your past"

It is unfortunate but everything probably happened very quickly and you were caught off guard. Just get some sleep now (as much as you can with DD2 at her age) and be sure and talk to DD1 asap in the morning.

Why the fuck did I take the offensive?

Possibly because a lifetime of abusive relationships has conditioned you to aggressively ward off anything that you perceive as a threat to your male partner's happiness, on the basis that keeping his mood on an even keel is in your best interests?

To be brutally honest, yes, your DD has been damaged by her exposure to your abusive relationships. Flagellating yourself is not going to help her at this stage though so stop doing it and channel your energy into something more constructive to help her process what she's witnessed.

I can't deny that you made a massive error of judgement tonight and didn't react as you should have BUT don't hate yourself, hate your ex's for making you want to silence her and appease the man in your life :(

'DP understands but thinks it's over the top' - well, frankly, tough shit. HE didn't live in fear for himself and his Mum for years, he didn't see the things your DD saw, hear the things she heard... and possible worse. He has NO right to say her reaction was over the top until he's lived her life. He should have felt compassion for a child that has been through all of that and turned into a teenager who reacts like that because of it :(

It is not as simple as 'forget your past' and tbh it makes me wonder about him. Surely no one nice/reasonable/thoughtful/not dragging their knuckles thinks you can 'just forget about abuse'??

donkey we have talked about councilling. I think she would be up for it, do however thinks it's all in the past and we should move on on.

^

Is this meant to say that your DP thinks that it's in the past and you should move on?

If so, no wonder your daughter doesn't fucking like him. Why.the.fuck would you even CONSULT him about this? What the hell does it have to do with him??? You are a couple now, but that doesn't mean he suddenly gets a right to an equal opinion/decision about how you and your daughter recover from the past.

Frankly, your DP isn't getting very good press here to be honest.

He thinks it's a bit "over the top"?

Seriously?

SERIOUSLY???

I think you should stop being so tough on yourself. Your DD overreacted and I'm sure she's feeling a bit silly about it. Your DP was on the spot being accused of DV and that's quite hurtful. However, everyone's a grown-up here - including DD - and it should be possible for the three of you to have a mature conversation where DD apologises to DP for the accusation but you both reassure her that, in the context of her previous experience, her reaction was understandable.

On Mumsnet we're aware enough to see the effects of DV on someone at the time and in the long term.

Other people aren't. It isn't taught in schools, if you've not seen it directly you have no idea. The DP simply doesn't understand. In all other ways he sounds like the best man the OP's been out with. Give him a break!

Either the OP has to simply (neutrally) tell him that actually, the effects don't just go away and you can't just carry on without them coming out later .... as he's seen with her daughter.

Agreed that your daughter was very brave and did exactly the right thing. Instead of beating yourself up, talk to her in private and explain that your reaction was plain wrong and that she did the right thing and that you're both proud of her and appreciate what she did.

Personally I think it'd be a good thing to then say it again when all three of you are in the room, you, her and your DP. I think she needs to hear in front of DP that this wasn't being a stroppy teen, this was her thinking it was an emergency and leaping to her mother's defense - a great reaction. You can understand everyone's reaction here, and talking about it openly might help each person understand the other a bit better.

Beyond that I do think you need to go to counselling yeah. And oh, also to stop beating yourself up. Hate your ex, not yourself.

"She said she couldnt cope withy the lack of sleep"

Why does she lack sleep?