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Original poster

Partner buying birthday cards for ex wife?

34 replies

wishingwontwork · 02/10/2014 08:37

We've been together two years, the other day it was his ex wife's birthday (they have an 18yo together) and I saw he'd bought her a birthday card, and inside he'd written "lots of love -name- xxxxxx"
I just found it a bit weird you'd write this in a card to an ex, or even buy one at all? They've been split for over 5 years.
Am I being oversensitive? Does anyone else do this with their exes?

OP posts:
Fairylea · 02/10/2014 08:42

Weird. Well in my opinion anyway. If their child was younger and it was bought by him for the children to give her that's one thing (and fine) but when it's just from him and they have an 18 year old I find it a bit off.

But then I don't agree with having exes on Facebook or anything like that whereas I know lots of people are fine with that (my ex dh left me for a girlfriend he had before me he'd found on Facebook).

peasandlove · 02/10/2014 08:45

I'd be put out by that and question if he still had feelings for her. If I was to buy my ex a card I'd sign it from me and my partner and keep it friendly

53Dragon · 02/10/2014 08:45

I know lots of people who are on very friendly terms with their ex and still exchange cards, gifts etc. It's not as if they'd only had a year or 2 together - they have an 18 year old so a shared bond whether they like it or not. Much better to be mature and remain on good terms with the ex in my opinion. I suppose 'Lots of love' might be a bit odd but I wouldn't fret over it.

Sickoffrozen · 02/10/2014 08:46

Depends how friendly they are.

My exh gets me a card and me him. We are still friendly.

We sometimes go out as a big group with our kids including new partners and so not sending a card would seem more odd.

If they are not friendly then it is a bit odd

BitOutOfPractice · 02/10/2014 08:47

Not weird at all imho

Me and my ex exchange cards and put "love from". Would you prefer they hated each other?

Snapespotions · 02/10/2014 08:48

It's a birthday card. I think you're being over sensitive. Do you have any reason to doubt him?

primeminister · 02/10/2014 08:48

Life is complicated. My parents were married for 20 years, divorced for 25 before my dad died,
Didn't mean they didn't continue to have enormous love and respect for each other.

starfishmummy · 02/10/2014 08:51

Not weird at all to me either.
She was presumably a big part of his life. He sounds very thoughtful

BitOutOfPractice · 02/10/2014 08:59

On this board we often warn women...

"look hard at how he treats other women - this will be how he treats you"

and

"take note of how he speaks about and treats the mother of his children as she deserves his love and respect"

So why, when a man does that, are we suspicious?

My DP still puts XXXs on texts to his wife. I know categorically that he woud never ever want to get back with her. It's just what they've always done shrugs

flipchart · 02/10/2014 09:03

My friend has her ex DH and her ex boyfriend around for BBQs, Christmas and family gatherings. The reasons they broke up are long gone and she still likes them and they all get on fine.
I'd rather ha e a relationship like that with an ex than bitterness and bitching.
And yes they do all send cards!

( they don't live in each others pocket though, I made it sound a bit cozy there!)

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/10/2014 09:07

If the split was amicable and they were together a long time a birthday card sounds pretty reasonable. The options for what you write in a card are pretty limited, let's be honest. 'Lots of love' with a row of x's is fairly universal ... unless it's to your boss, in which case 'best wishes' removes ideas of affection.

It's when he sends her a Valentine card you want to start worrying :)

Bogeyface · 02/10/2014 09:50

I rarely send birthday cards to anyone but when I do I always put "lots of love xxx" because....its just what you do!

The only time I wouldnt is as Cogito said, it was to my boss or similar.

I think you are looking into this too much, has he done anything else that you think is a bit off, are you generally insecure or is it just this one thing that has bothered you?

NickiFury · 02/10/2014 09:52

I don't think it's weird. They share a child together and have known each other for many years. It's perfectly possible for people to get over animosity and grow to be friends after a split.

BotoxednSpanxed · 02/10/2014 09:53

I bought a card for the children to send to their dad. i wrote the address. no biggie. no idea if his new gf is analysing that.

kaykayblue · 02/10/2014 09:53

I think it's actually nice of him to send her a card. It shows that they are still civil and get along. That shows maturity.

The only reason this would be a problem is if you are unhappy with their relationship as a whole - e.g. you feel sidelined, or have other reason to believe that he still has feelings for her/considers your relationship second place.

But if it's just the card then you are being unreasonable.

IrianofWay · 02/10/2014 09:57

Not weird. Would you really want to be with someone who could cut someone they had cared for our of their life completely? Do you have a reason not to trust him ?

yorkierocks123 · 02/10/2014 12:11

I would prefer my partner to be on friendly terms and treat his ex nicely/well than some of the stories you hear on here.

Do you feel happy with him apart form that?

Original poster
wishingwontwork · 02/10/2014 12:18

To above poster, yes I am generally insecure. He hasn't given me any other reason to doubt him at all. These posts have reassured me, so I'm going to try to let it go now.

OP posts:
Original poster
wishingwontwork · 02/10/2014 12:22

sorry that message above was in response to Iriano

Yorkie yes, we are really happy together. I think i need to get a grip, and be glad that the ex-wife side of things is completely drama-free.

OP posts:
Sickoffrozen · 02/10/2014 13:31

Exactly...never create a drama when here is no drama to be found! It could cause all sorts of problems.

Insecurity is something that only you can resolve. It sounds like he doesn't do anything to make you insecure.

Just be glad it's all good between them and enjoy your life.

I am actually friends now with exh wife. She is lovely. Much more suited to him than I was!!

LosingAllTheLego · 02/10/2014 17:47

My parents split up 25yrs ago and my dad buys my mum a card every year. I dunno if she buys one for him, but her birthday is the day after mine so I always see hers.

I think if the split wasn't on bad terms then it's nice!

CheeseToastie123 · 02/10/2014 23:02

My parents still exchange cards, and still have tremendous affection and respect for each other.

My exh is one of my best friends. I dog sit for him and his fiancée, and am really looking forward to the wedding. However, we really did manage the world's friendliest divorce so I realise we're not a 'normal' example.

Mandatorymongoose · 02/10/2014 23:08

My parents have been divorced 20 years but they still exchange cards and often gifts if they've spotted something the other would like. We occasionally all have dinner together, including their new partners. I really appreciate that they all get on - makes occasions much more straightforward.

AlfAlf · 02/10/2014 23:14

I don't think it's weird, not on it's own. I think it's weird to be have been with someone for 15+ Years, and not still care about them/have affection for them to some degree, unless the split was very acrimonious.

As you have no other reason to worry, I would take it as proof of what a decent, well-rounded bloke he is.

LineRunner · 02/10/2014 23:14

I agree with BitOutOfPractice that you be pleased he treats his ExW with affection and respect, and isn't bitter and calling her a nutter. That bodes well for his character and his new relationship with you.