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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH & sex with other women

77 replies

bobs · 09/04/2004 00:33

DH has just stated that given the opportunity, any husband would sleep with another woman if handed it on a plate "it's just a man thing" in his words!
I'm canvassing opinions on this as I don't believe him - wishful thinking/hoping perhaps on his part??

OP posts:
hercules · 10/04/2004 21:40

I'm with bloss and jj. I really couldnot be married to someone whom i thought could do this, that is not naivity!

carla · 10/04/2004 21:44

I'm with HMC on this one - I could not expect a truthful answer, especially as ... well, forget that, but I couldn't.

hercules · 10/04/2004 21:53

I am genuinely sad that so many of you cant believe the answer that they wouldnt. What's the point if you really dont trust your partner?

3GirlsMum · 10/04/2004 21:58

Im sure that an awful lot of women looking back thought their husbands would never have an affair, I know my MIL definitely thought she had a good marriage and trusted my FIL implicitly. Didnt stop him running off with the woman two doors down!

hercules · 10/04/2004 22:01

Thats true enough. I guess everyone thinks their dh never would until.... But I do still trust dh or i couldnt be with him.

Galaxy · 10/04/2004 22:19

message withdrawn

carla · 10/04/2004 22:21

I think it depends on your past. For me, about to marry, being dumped and then finding out your ex has married three months hence has given me some misgivings, but there are nice people out there. I hope I've got one of those, but I don't ever get complacent about it.

reallyembarrassedbut · 13/04/2004 10:40

As a DH, well, perhaps just an H, I've been in situations where I could have strayed, probably quite free of recriminations, and I think I would be forgiven, at least in the past.

Thank god, I haven't weakened, but if I am honest it is difficult to resist, especially when your relationship isn't physical anymore, it is a big boost to the ego, and I try to avoid situations like that now, though fortunately I'm getting older and uglier all the time.The fact that my relationship is so bad these days actually makes me more determined not to do anything I shouldn't.

Helsbels · 13/04/2004 11:14

I think we all have the capability to cheat men and women - I cheated in my first marriage because it wasn't that important to me - I wouldn't (I don't think) cheat in this one as it is importnat to me. I do not believe that dh would cheat as he is another who says he has toomuch to lose but we are all human, we are NOT genetically monogamous (sp?) biologically we are all 'on the pull' we can't help it - it is morals not genetics that keep us in check - society makes us believe that we should marry etc. I don;t think that any of us could say hand on heart catergorically that we would never cheat - its not a man thing - it's a human thing.well IMHO

aloha · 13/04/2004 11:24

Helsbels, actually there is quite a lot of evidence that in humans fidelity/monogamy is biologically programmed. There are also monogamous animals. I think biology is a bit of an excuse, quite often (not saying that is what you are saying iyswim ) but the 'science' is definitely not all in favour of promiscuity.

Helsbels · 13/04/2004 11:32

the bits I've read are I know the swan theory, aloha and perhaps it is a bit of an excuse - though I never used it as such when I was 'in the wrong' I just fancied loads of other men rather than my xh (and still would )I think the point I was trying to make (and it is just an opinion) is that people who say they never would or their partners never would are perhaps a little naive - I truly believe at this moment that neither myself or dh would but it could change - you never know who is round the corner and in what circumstances you will find yourself - like someone said earlier - it is often easier to avoid putting yourself in situations where temptation may get the better of you - I buy all my dhs pants and they all have Homer Simpson on them - that should put paid to any ideas he may have I don't want to try and make light of a very serious and sometimes devastating phenomenom and I also agree with what someone else said about if you haven't got trust then there's no point in any of it - I think thats the key - you just have to trust, hope for the best and try and keep your relationship as happy as possible and hope that no-one does offer it on a plate to him or to you

reallyembarrassedbut · 13/04/2004 11:42

Possibly a male point of view, and possibly what the original question was getting at, but in my experience men really like sex, women aren't so bothered (erm, maybe that's just the women I know, and I don't want to think of the implications of that), and that's why it is tempting, which is why I for one try not to think of myself as a sexual person anymore.

Twinkie · 13/04/2004 12:06

Dps frist answer was that he really couldn'ty be arsed!! - ooohhh he makes me feel so loved!!

After me flouncing off to huge sighs of so if you could be f'ing well bothered you would then he said no he wouldn't

a) he sees sex as an act of love between 2 people that love each other and he loves only me (well in that way anyway) (lets wait till I am big and sweaty and whale like covered in stretch marks!!)

b) even if he thought he would get away with it he would know that he had done it and betrayed me so effectively he would not have got away with it really!!

c) He would hate to hurt me that much!!

d) He has limited time to do stuff and golf and footie come before shagging some other woman!!

e) - his biggest reason of all - I WOULD KNOW CAUSE I AM SUCH A NOSEY WITCH!!!

(Stuart if you have to avoid situations as not to do it you are in the wrong relationship - you should not do it because you love and respect your partner!!)

Helsbels · 13/04/2004 12:11

Twinkie
I agree that you shouldn't have to avoid situations but sometimes oh you know... too much beer, an arguement, not enough attention at home 'cos of kids, work, gas bills etc - one knid word and a bit of flattery suddenly seem very attractive and sometimes situations are hard to get out of so I agree with Stuart that it is best to avoid utting yourself in situations where you could get into trouble - hope you are ok btw

reallyembarrassedbut · 13/04/2004 12:17

I think I've unwittingly backed Stuart up...

AussieSim · 13/04/2004 12:32

I have to admit that being a MNer has made me a bit paranoid. I trust my DH completely - we had a very serious discussion about this when we very first started seeing one another. But after reading all the 'affair' threads recently and then this ... well I asked him on the weekend if he had been tempted over the last 18mths when he has been working awawy alot etc and us with a new baby etc. He said absolutely not and I don't have a thing to worry about, and then I felt really silly and I had to explain that MN had me feeling a bit paranoid.

Ixel · 13/04/2004 12:51

I always start from the assumption that he will be unfaithful, as its more realistic. But so many of you sound so secure!!!! To be honest, I wouldn't blame him... we all have moments of domestic boredom. Me included, although noone would probably be interested now!! It doesn't mean I'd be happy if I found out, just that I'd understand where he was coming from. And if it was just a shag, not any emotional attachment, it'd be easier to understand.Sometimes a change is as good as a rest...

Slinky · 13/04/2004 12:59

I trust my DH 110% and I KNOW that he wouldn't do the "dirty" on me.

Firstly, his ex cheated on him on numerous occasions and really pi**ed him about. He was very hurt by her actions and knows what it's like to be on the receiving end.

Also, both of us have been the children involved with parents having affairs - and again, both remember and still feel to some extent, the pain and lack of trust involved in that situation - and it's something that both of us don't want to put our children through.

bloss · 13/04/2004 13:15

Message withdrawn

aloha · 13/04/2004 21:53

I'm agreeing with you again Bloss I think it is a very good idea to avoid temptation if you don't want to succumb. It's like, if you are on a diet, don't hang out in patisseries. If you are an alcoholic, don't bring a bottle of wine into your house. Even Jesus had his moments of temptation

handlemecarefully · 14/04/2004 09:21

JJ

I must say that your post conjures up a rather unpleasant image of you and your dh pokeing fun / having a rather superior guardianista style laugh at 'lesser mortals' who don't agree with your position on this.

Yours clearly thick (since not a philosopher), hmc

Chinchilla · 14/04/2004 21:53

Asked my dh on Saturday night (when out ON OUR OWN - yippee!) Unfortunately, he did say that he probably would have sex if there was absolutely no way that he would be found out. I was surprised, rather than disappointed. Not sure why!

However, he did say that he was a bit more like a woman in the sense that he would not want a one night stand. If he were to have sex with another woman, he would probably want it to be more that just a one off. He said that it would be because he would want to be with this woman on a permanent basis So, if he ever has an affair, I can pretty much give up all hope of getting him back

StuartC · 15/04/2004 14:50

Chinchilla - how did the rest of the evening go?

Bugsy2 · 15/04/2004 16:42

I implicitly trusted my DH. I thought we had a really strong relationship and I also thought that he was a dreadful liar and I would easily find out if he was even contemplating naughtiness with someone else. All that trust didn't do me much good!
Unfortunately, I know a number of men who have and presumably would have a one night stand on foreign turf when they knew no one would find out. Fortunately, I also know lots of really decent guys too, who would never have a one night stand.
No conclusion here, I do think some men are never very keen on one night stands and some men will happily philander!

sykes · 15/04/2004 17:09

Bugsy, any more dates coming up? Can't find your thread.