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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH & sex with other women

77 replies

bobs · 09/04/2004 00:33

DH has just stated that given the opportunity, any husband would sleep with another woman if handed it on a plate "it's just a man thing" in his words!
I'm canvassing opinions on this as I don't believe him - wishful thinking/hoping perhaps on his part??

OP posts:
motherinferior · 09/04/2004 18:17

I've certainly been in www's position (sauce!). And my DP certainly hasn't been a model of propriety in the long-distant past. But no, StuartC, I don't think he was just giving the 'right' answer. He loves me, he loves being with me, he loves the relationship we have and our children - and he'd rather put his energy into that/us than into a fling, however clandestine. I can say that with total assurance - and believe me, he's the first man I've been involved with that I haven't been paranoid about, as it happens.

And after that paean of praise I shall depart for a mundane bicker about whose turn it is to bath the baby

kiwisbird · 09/04/2004 18:34

and stuart I would be more suss of myself than my DP, if it was totally secret no one would ever know, I do not think I woudl be tempted but I concede it is not beyond the realms of possibility

Ha ha look in the mirror cannot see offer liek that coming any time soon!

3GirlsMum · 09/04/2004 19:56

Lol..I personally think a lot of DP's and DH's are telling porky pies here, but then lets face it they know it would be pretty silly to be as honest as Bobs DH has been.

hercules · 09/04/2004 19:58

Why is it so hard to believe that not all men would be unfaithful? I dont even have to ask dh this question- it's called trust!

lalaa · 09/04/2004 20:07

dh says if totally p*ssed, probably, but it wouldn't be the best experience in the world so what's the point. otherwise only if it was 100% safe that I wouldn't find out! Discussion afterwards about how it couldn't be 100% I wouldn't find out as it would be in his head - easy to slip out, not necessarily to me, but to someone, then the odds increase.....

not sure whether to be pleased or not....

HiddenSpirit · 09/04/2004 21:28

My DP said he wouldn't, and I totally believe him. Not just for the fact I feel secure in our relationship but also the fact that I have a much higher sex drive than him

StripyMouse · 09/04/2004 22:02

Just asked DH this one - he is often rather uncomfortably honest about such things so I believe him when he says that the more they offer it, the less he would want it. He likes to look and even admits to having the odd daydream now and again but only because he knows that the daydream is private and can?t hurt anyone, he says he would never go further than just occasionally thinking it. I am happy with this as I must admit that I have the odd daydream myself now and again, changes nothing about the way I feel about DH (adore him rotten and feel secure in relationship), never makes me feel like I am missing out and is very safe way of thinking outside the box IYKWIM.

mummytojames · 09/04/2004 22:18

sorry cant help if my dp sees aother woman he runs a mile screaming god ones expensive enough as it is lol and yes have seen a woman try and chat him up he dont know it and he looked at her straight faced and said dont you thik you should wrap up warmer you could catch your death of cold in that skimpy thing lol

girlie · 09/04/2004 22:42

sorry to burst a few bubbles here, but I think we are being a touch unrealistic. Some of the men I work with have one night stands while on business trips, but these are not necessarily women they don't know - it's just that they know they won't be found out. The same men would not consider having an affair.

Chinchilla · 09/04/2004 23:11

I'm sure that dh wouldn't, however, if Jennifer Aniston offered, that would be another matter! He has already said that would be the case (I'm not too worried though )

Bobs, I think that men are more led by their d*cks, whereas, in general, women have to feel emotionally involved. (All this is GENERALISATION though, so don't everyone lambast me). However, I do think that most men are capable of refusing, if they have someone that they love in their lives. I know that dh is an honest and loyal person. If he DID take someone up on an offer, I would personally rather not know.

Original poster
bobs · 09/04/2004 23:57

WOW - considering this is my 1st ever message with mumsnet, what a response!!!!
I'm amazed you all asked your DH/DPs and some interesting answers - many thanks

OP posts:
3GirlsMum · 10/04/2004 00:03

Yes I am convinced that if Kylie (Minogue) offered my DH would jump at the chance, but then so would I if Nigel Harman offered it to me..lol!

bloss · 10/04/2004 00:22

Message withdrawn

littlemissbossy · 10/04/2004 00:32

StuartC, what are you doing on here? Isn't there a dadsnet for you?

handlemecarefully · 10/04/2004 03:04

I'm with Stuart C on this one. I haven't asked dh because if I did he would reply "No, of course I wouldn't" - but then, can I really expect an honest answer to this question. I think not!

(With no offence intended to those who completely trust their husband's integrity on this)

bloss · 10/04/2004 03:30

Message withdrawn

handlemecarefully · 10/04/2004 03:41

Bloss,

I know that there are: "statistics, statistics damn lies and statistics" (or however that phrase is supposed to go), but I have read on multiple occasions and in many different publications the results of surveys etc which indicate that a majority of married men have been, or would be unfaithful..... (and quite a high proportion of married women too - although not as high)

My dh has not given me cause to mistrust him - and I'm open to the possibility that I might nevertheless have trust issues that are my problem not his...but I tend to think that I am just a realist / pragmatist (again - no offence intended to anyone who thinks differently about their dh, not saying that by definition you are unrealistic / gullible)

handlemecarefully · 10/04/2004 03:47

www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

Are here we are - a quick google on infidelity and the second web page I open (above) states that more than 50% of spouses are victims of infidelity.

Not got a mission here to depress everybody - honestly . Just enjoying the debate (I know, I know - get a life and go to bed hmc!)

bloss · 10/04/2004 04:53

Message withdrawn

oxocube · 10/04/2004 07:54

LMB, although the site is called Mumsnet, I'm sure most posters would agree that men are more than welcome. Surely the site has room for both

StuartC · 10/04/2004 08:13

Hi bloss

Am I a cynic - yes, in this regard (and many others).

Is it because a previous wife has been unfaithful - no, that's not happened (to my knowledge).

3GirlsMum · 10/04/2004 09:21

Is it low expectations or realistic and all I am being is honest, we never truly know 100% that our DH/DP's would never do it not matter what they say. I would consider I have a very trustworthy DH, however, I am realistic you never know what it around the corner!

lou33 · 10/04/2004 12:50

LMB, if you look at the top of the page it says "by parents for parents". Nothing about mums only.

WideWebWitch · 10/04/2004 21:29

I really have been thinking about this today. I asked dp what he would do if a truly gorgeous woman offered him no strings sex when he was away from home and if he was 100% sure he wouldn't get found out - was he REALLY sure he wouldn't go for it? I also threw in for good measure "and if we weren't getting on very well and weren't that happy" Ha ha. He says he absolutely wouldn't. We're very similar in a lot of ways and I definitely wouldn't be unfaithful to him, no matter what, so maybe he is telling the truth. However, I have a number of friends and friends of friends who have recently been left by their husbands after many years of marriage and it has made me question the whole marriage deal really. So maybe I'm just in cynical mode as a result of this and experiences in my youth? Bottom line: I trust my dp but I'm not sure I'd have been right to trust a lot of my exes.

JJ · 10/04/2004 21:33

My husband is with bloss, although in a more wordy way (damn philosophy!).

Both of us find this thread hilarious.

"Yuh, I'm a guy, I think with my dick, ahuh ahuh."

Who would marry someone like that?