Am I controlling? Bit long.

[Mynewname1]

Hi guys.....changed my name for this but I'm a regular so don't hate me!

Ok here's the story......

Split with my long term partner (5years) whome I have a 3 year old, we've been apart about 6months now. The split was pretty amicable and because at the end I was very unhappy I moved out (my house) in order to have some resolution in a reasonable amount of time, didn't want to have to live together for ages once we'd decided to slpit.

Untill now everything has been quite good between myself and my ex, as we are both in similar situations work work wise and little one is happy at nursery and being looked after by grandparents we have basically split parenting between us. I have my son 7nights out of 14, niether of us thought it necessary to give up work ect.

From a financial point of view, I have been paying for my son while he's with me and his mother has been doing the same while with her..Seems fair? I've had to rent a property, like I said she is living in my property (rent free) which I inherited many years ago (over10). I earn about 7 thousand a year more than she does.
Just to clarify, when we lived together there was no mortgage to pay, I paid all the bills. My ex often bought the shopping though it wasn't unheard of for me to pay for the shop. We split paying for holidays ect and always controlled our own money. I'm currently still paying all the bills on the property, which can't go on forever as I can't afford it.

So coming back to the present, over the last month or so my ex has been asking me what is happening with the house (fair enough). I've given it a lot of thought and have made the offer that she can live there untill my son is 18 (rent free), she would have to take the bills on.
The reason I made the offer was that I don't want to move back there as I don't want the memories (good and bad) and I know it could effect my son who has already had to deal with too much, by that I mean his parents not being together and having to get used to my new home.
My ex seemed very keen on the idea so I thought all was good, I told her that I would get a lease drawn up to make it official.

So I went to a solicitor and they advised me against such a long lease although I said it was what I wanted. They also posed the question of other people moving in ie; if my ex meets someone else. So basically I've had a clause put in the lease which prevents anyone else other than my ex and my son living in the property without my consent.

My ex had gone balistic about the clause and said I'm trying to control her future. This isn't the case and I genuinely wish her the best. I tried to explain that I woudn't object to someone moving in but before it happens we would need to re-evaluate the situation. I've said that she doen't have to take my offer and is welcome to move out once she sorts something out. I've never put a time line on that.

Basically my fear is that down the line my ex moves someone in and I end up subsidising another man. For instance a guy could move in with my ex and rent out his own property and make money out of living in my house. Just the fact that there is no rent means that someone who moves in would save alot of money.

I really don't know what to do, I thought things were going well but now my ex is threatening to quit work, move out and look after my son full time so I would only have him at weekends. And I'm being controlling!!

Any advice welcome.

OP - You've clearly made your decision that this is the route you want to go down, and that is of course your point.

I just wanted to pick up your point that you don't think you're a mug for wanting to put a roof over your son's head. This actually irritated me. It comes across as a bit of a superiority complex.

You already out a roof over your sons' head.

Your partner WORKS FULL TIME. She does not NEED your "help" in putting a roof over your son's head. She isn't some poor downtrodden little woman, desperately scraping the last food out of jars and dressed in rags. You allowing her to live in that house is not the fine line she is walking between stable life and homelessness. She could move out tomorrow and pay her own rent somewhere and absolutely no-one would be affected whatsoever.

So please don't try and justify grandiose gestures of generosity with such bizarre statements about being a great dad. This is an issue about you and your ex - it barely has anything to do with your child whatsoever.

Part of me is now wondering if you are doing this because you want people to stop and stare in the street and whisper "Wow. What an AMAZING dad. He is so generous don't you know".

The first sentence "of course your point" should be, bizarrely, "Of course your prerogative".

Ok so thanks for all the advice and messages, most have been really postive and a few quite cutting! It's all good though, i'd rather people said what they think.

For the record my gesture (I didn't even see it as a gesture, more a practical arrangement) was in no way meant to be a form of control and was in no way meant to grandiose. It didn't and don't envisage anyone knowing about it so wouldn't "look good" to anyone.

Anyway, I had a conversation with my ex last night which was very helpful. She had calmed down since the last time and apologised for some of the things she said and that she would never try and stop me having a good relationship with our son and that she thinks the current 50/50 arrangement is working well. This has been a big weight off my mind :-)

She says she blew her top over the house arrangment because she felt trapped and felt I wanted to control what she did. She has spoken to some friends and family (who also know me) and they've told her they don't think I'd be like that. They also told her they don't think it's a good idea for her to stay in the house.
She doesn't think it's a good option long term either, which is fine by me. She didn't quite go as far as to thank me for the offer but I got the jist that she didn't think I was a tw*t either!

So the up shot is my ex is going to stay in the house until the new year and start looking for someting else to buy herself. She is going to take the bills on so I'm going to start sorting that later on. I said that I was happy to carry on with no rent for the short term but maybe we should discuss it if she hasn't found anything in 6 months. She said she hoped to be out before that but if not she would start paying rent.

So that is where I'm up to. I feel good that we had the conversation and feel we can now move on and concerntrate on being parents to our son. I'm also going to save a few quid on solicitors fees for drawing up agreements and advice!
Fingers crossed it works out how we discussed!

Hurrah!! I think this is fantastically reasonable compromise.

I'm glad that you two have managed to find a solution which doesn't make one person look like a complete muppet, and is in the best interests of all involved.

For the record, I never thought you were trying to be controlling in any way. I was just beginning to feel that your perspective on this might have had a underlying motive.

But that now that seems like it's not the case :)

Great news. Well done.

waffly - I think it is perfectly obvious what I am disagreeing with. People said she won't be as reasonable when she gets a new lover as she is now implying she is being reasonable now. She is not. Hardly rocket science to understand.

Sounds good :)

I'd have your house back too. The clause is more than fair and I suspect there is already somebody else if the ex has caused uproar over the clause. If she wants freedom, let her go and pay for it.

If it helps op I am in exactly the same position as you. 3 yo dc and me and my partner are splitting amicably.

We are having more or less 50/50 custody to fit in around our working patterns. We both work ft, I earn more. We have agreed no maintenance will be paid either way and we are responsible for our own living costs and splitting costs relating to dd.

Difference is I'm a woman.

I would suggest that you speak with your solicitor about asking her to pay a 'peppercorn rent' - this refers to a rent of a nominal sum, such as £12 a year. Also, consider carefully the clauses you draw up regarding her permission to make alterations or improvements to the property. There are ways in which the contract must be very carefully drawn up so that x years down the line when your son is 18 she can't try to claim some sort of beneficial interest in the property due to money she has invested in it.

Thanks for all your comments and help. Hopefully it's all sorted now and in the not too distant future we'll only have the parenting of our son to talk about....or is that wishful thinking!

Hopefully I won't be back here in 6 months asking for more advice but back to tell you I've got my house back :-)

Thanks again.

I'm glad you have managed to speak and resolve the situation. It is generally much better if you and your ex split all financial ties and I suspect if she stayed in the house it would cause conflict.

When you are both being amicable it's great but it's important to remember the reasons why you separated (mostly likely difference of views on life and the universe). Over time these differences increase and often 5 years down the line you look back and can't recall why you were with that the person.

Separating all ties also helps each party move forward with their life. I agree with other posters - even if it's for the interim consider a rental agreement with a nominal rent so that each of you have similar expectations. Examples could be - who would pay if the boiler blew up in 5 months time or who is responsible for house insurance?