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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

oh please someone help, i don't know what to do

28 replies

JellyNump · 27/09/2006 18:06

DH is acting oddly, i think perhaps a breakdown or depression? our ds died at 9 weeks in 2005 and we now have 7 month old dd. poast 2 weeks have been hell. he went to a psychiatrist as his work said they thought he may have post traumatic stress as his memory is really bad and apparently he couldnt even remember his name. he now says he has loads of past issues to deal with eg: an ex split up with him but he feels guilty as apparently she is now on drugs, i said this wasn't his fault it was her choice. i found out he also has a compulsion to lie about ridiculous things, which im not angry at him for but i am shocked eg: living in US when actually he didnt. he has said he doesnt know if he loves me or not but wants to work at our marriage (which is a good thing) but we are about to move house and he wants to share a bed but have no physical side to the marriage so essentially it'd be like 2 friends living together. I dont know if im coming or going, im so hurt and upset and scared as i dont want to split up. he also has a friend who he talks to a lot at work, who is female, i dont have a problem with him having female friends but i do when he asks if i'd feel awkward if she went to his friends house with him for a weekend and said normally he'd like to walk down the street with his arm round her but is afraid that someone sees and tells me id give him an ear full!?!?!??! am i wrong to think this is inappropriate behaviour? he swears nothing is going on and i want to believe him but all of this is making it very hard to do so. ive tried talking to him, me and dd have come to BIL's to give him space for a few days which is what he wanted. he says also he wants to be able to go out with his friends whenever he likes, which really i have no problem with but for the past 2 years we have been struggling to pay bills and do our very old house up as a lot more was needed doing to it when we moved in than expected. I'm so stuck, im trying to keep sane for dd's sake but also trying to save my marriage and im in a mess. can anyone help at all? i have tried talking to him but he's very irrational.

OP posts:
foundintranslation · 27/09/2006 18:11

I am not a psychologist but it sounds a bit like a breakdown. Is he continuing to have treatment? If not think you really have to try and get him back to the doc. Could Relate be a next step?

You have both certainly been through a lot - I'm verysorry for the loss of your ds . You are right that the behaviour with his friend is not appropriate and is not going to help things.

I can't really help you very much, I know, but I did not want to leave this post unanswered you have a lot to cope with and are being very strong.

Original poster
JellyNump · 27/09/2006 18:18

i've tried to get him to a gp but he's worried about what is on his medical file will affect future life insurance premiums!?!? sometimes i really want to tell him to p*ss off and pull himself together, i try totalk rationally but he gets aggressive about stuff. SIL, BIL and PIL wondered if its an attention seeking thing as he has always been a bit self obsessed. I think he really needs help but he has to help me to help him. I mentioned going to the councillor together but he said for the next 7 weeks they are going to see him on his own for issues he has with our marriage!?!?!? I have spoken to our gp about him and she says he needs to be seen but i cant get him to go.

OP posts:
Kathlean · 27/09/2006 19:00

You poor thing. It must be very hard seeing everything fall apart when you have done nothing wrong and haven't fallen out of love.

I have no experience but can he move out and sort himself out on his own. At least then you have space for you and DD.

Not much help but he will either get better and come back or he will not.

Be there to support him if he wants otherwise concentrate on you and your DD.

Pages · 27/09/2006 21:24

So sorry for the loss of you DS Jellynump and that you are having such a rough time of it atm. It seems quite likely doesn't it that he is reliving the trauma and is frightened as your DD is approaching the same age? Clearly he has a lot of other issues as well. But he has taken a positive step in going to counselling and if the issues are his own rather than about you or the marriage (which they may well be) it may make sense for him to be seen on his own to start with. If he is coping with life on a daily basis then counselling should be enough - in a way it is good that he is going down this route rather than medication. I don't know many men who would be prepared to go to a counsellor.

Try and keep positive and be patient and take care of yourself and let him do whatever he needs to do to sort things out. I know it is hard for you, but it may not mean the end of your marriage. You may just have to ride this through.

Drusilla · 27/09/2006 21:41

Can you speak to his counsellor? If he is having problems with the urge to lie you may not be getting full story from him. If s/he will speak to you they may be able to advise you on ways you can help him get more help. He sounds like he is struggling with life at the moment. There is only so much you can do for him if he won't seek treatment tho - you have to look after yourself and DD first.

Frizbe · 27/09/2006 21:51

Sorry to hear your going through this I do have to ask tho, his names not Richard is it?

mumblechum · 28/09/2006 11:20

Bump for you. Very sorry to hear about your problems.

Original poster
JellyNump · 02/10/2006 21:14

no his name is Andy

OP posts:
bibbybec · 02/10/2006 21:55

So sorry to hear that you are going through this, I have experienced somthing similar. Have you tried calling M.I.N.D? it's a mental health charity and they can provide advice and support for you as well as dp. They are very discreet and understanding. Wish you and dd the best of luck.

Judy1234 · 02/10/2006 22:15

I wouldn't worry about the potential other woman at this point although, yes, that's inappropriate and unacceptable behaviour. More important is his mental state. My father is a psychiatrist. He would usually want to see both the husband and the wife. Your husband needs to see his GP and be referred for treatment perhaps in addition to help he is getting at work. If he is not careful he might lose his job too so that shoudl be a priority for both of you once his mental health is sorted out. If he can't remember his name he may be very bad. He may need to be hospitalised.

Original poster
JellyNump · 22/10/2006 16:44

I've tried to get him to go to the gp but he won't go. He keeps saying 'no-one understands, i'm ill. I can't cope. No-one is thinking of me' but he will not go to the dr. He is seeing a councillor, but sometimes that seems to bring stuff up that really doesnt need bringing up!

OP posts:
fussymummy · 22/10/2006 17:48

I've been caring for my partner who has mental health problems.

When he has medication there is absolutely no way you'd know he has any problems.

Without it, he sounds like your husband.

Call the doctor in to him today.

He may not like it, but he needs it.

Where do you live?

Do you have a psychiatric unit near to you??

I realise this may upset you, and it'll be hard to call them, but believe me you'll be happy to see your husband being helped.

As for what you said about another woman, i wouldn't worry about that too much as it'll be to do with illness.

I'll keep coming back to this thread if you need any advice.

Original poster
JellyNump · 28/12/2006 21:38

havent been on here for aaaaaaaaaaaaaages! ok so dh seems to be getting a bit better, we have moved and managed to pay off nearly everything so things are much better financially now and he seems to have calmed down. i still have things that niggle me that i'd like to question... when i went to BIL's dh stayed at his 'friends' house, her name is Laura! this has p*ssed me off no end. he says nothing happened and i dont think it did, however i did find a letter he'd written to her which included phrases such as 'i cant forget what happened on saturday night' ' i can accept if it was wrong' etc which to me is very suggestive, he swears blind nothing happened and i want to believe him but i'm worried he's lying, what do you think???

OP posts:
Original poster
JellyNump · 28/12/2006 22:03

a part of me wants to say, this all sounds like sh*t, just leave bu part of me wants to believe that he wouldnt cheat ad hurt me....im so confused help!

OP posts:
lulumama · 28/12/2006 22:11

he's lying...sorry..but there you go..somethng happened, whether physical or emotional, he wanted to walk down the street with his arms around her, he writes to her...soemthing is going on

his behaviour is deluded

has he supported you since the loss of your child? sounds like you are the one holding it all together , while he gets to go out, see his friends, see this woman and do as he please

very very sad for you...you deserve much better

lulumama · 28/12/2006 22:12

sorry if i sound harsh,,but if i found a letter like that my DH had written to a woman, whether he was having issues or not, i;d be furious..

Original poster
JellyNump · 28/12/2006 22:16

i really really wish i had something 100%, evidence to go on, if i did it would be so much easier! tbh i cant really remember if he supported me or not, my memory is terrible recently, whether thats cos of the stress he's caused me i really dont know, but i have no clear recollection of support from him, i felt quite patronised by him really, he didnt cry or anything (which to be fair may just be the way he dealt with it) but he just used to put his arm round meand say 'he's ok now (ds), he's safe and he's in Heaven' which to me is something you would tell a child. he doesnt see or speak to 'her' anymore and i'd kill him if he did, i'd love to march round to her house and ask her straight out what happened

OP posts:
Original poster
JellyNump · 28/12/2006 22:18

i was furious!!! but the thing is he got really really cross, which again indicatd he was over compensating for something he shouldnt have done and i didnt really want to fight

OP posts:
lulumama · 28/12/2006 22:19

not really sure where to go from here..

you have issues within the marriage, and he has his own personal demons..and they both need dealing with

is relate a possibility..

Original poster
JellyNump · 28/12/2006 22:26

i suggested relate to him when all of this was up in the air, tbh i dont know if i can go thru it all again at the moment, its just this weird 'instinct' thing that says its not right, he's hiding stuff or hasnt told me 'everything'

OP posts:
lulumama · 28/12/2006 22:34

well, the way to go might be to concentrate on getting yourself sorted and take it from there....not terribly good at this sort of advice, so i hope someone else comes along who can help a bit more.........xxxxxx

Original poster
JellyNump · 28/12/2006 22:48

ive come to a point where i dont care what happened i just want to know everything and take it from there. the feeling of being lied to is far worse and is driving me mad. i am even considering such a thing as a keylogger on the pc just in the hope that something may be mentioned to a friend

OP posts:
MariNativityPlay · 28/12/2006 22:50

Jellynump, I am so sorry to hear this.
Through losing a son at 21 weeks and sharing experiences of stillbirth and bereavement with other SANDS members I have to say it seems frighteningly common for men to internalise the grief at the time and for it to surface later - in the form of a breakdown or some other health crisis. We got through the premature stillbirth of our son, just about, clinging to the wreckage, but dh refused counselling at the time and soldiered on. We had another baby quite soon after, like you, and when she was about a year old he got quite seriously depressed. Not PTSD, I don't think, and he didn't have a breakdown as such, but we went through hell
I found it VERY hard to accept his problems for what they were - delayed reaction to a traumatic bereavement.
Your dh sounds in need of urgent professional help. He is showing classic signs of depression - inappropriate behaviour and an apparent inability to empathise with you.
If you get a chance I would also ring the SANDS helpline - hope they are open - and ask if they have any advice.
Sending you boundless sympathy. To have a partner succumb to this sort of illness just when you start to feel you can live with the grief is the hardest thing imaginable. You're not alone and marriages can survive it. It's just so hard. XXX

Dinosaur · 28/12/2006 22:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Judy1234 · 28/12/2006 22:59

jn, what you wrote below is 100% evidence really. Anyone reading it will tell you he may have got up to something but it may not matter, might not be important. If you want evidence hire someone to get it for you.