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Original poster

Evening out arranged, just a local restaurant, not boozy, just a nice meal with 4 friends.

34 replies

jimijack · 30/09/2014 13:38

We have known each other for a number of years. We get together every 3/4 months or so.

We all have children.

One of the friends told me the other day that her dh has suggested that she bring her toddler to the evening out. Reason being, none of us has seen the toddler for a while. He thinks it would be nice for us all to see & spend time with the child.

So I said that this is not a good idea. She was a little taken aback & I suspect, offended.

That was that really.
I'm right right?

I still don't know if she intends to bring little one, I know for a fact that 2 of our group will not go if they knew this.

I so look forward to these evening's, it's a break from kids tbh, it's catching up with great friends who are great company.

Hate to think I have upset her & ruined things.

What would you have done?

OP posts:
Trills · 30/09/2014 13:43

Her DH is either

1 - insanely besotted with his child to the extent that he thinks other people's lives are sad without seeing the child

2 - a lazy shit who doesn't want to "babysit"

An evening adult dinner is not an event that would be enhanced by a toddler.

kaykayblue · 30/09/2014 13:43

I would have said the same thing.

You could consider contacting her again and saying something like:

I really hope that I didn't offend you by saying I think it would be better if X didn't come to the dinner. Your children are wonderful, and I really enjoy seeing how their lives are progressing. Perhaps we could organise a play date separately with the kids so we can have a catch up? The reason for keeping the dinner kids free is because some of us so rarely get a break without the kids, and really, really value the chance to have some time to ourselves and some adult company. Having children there - anyone's children, not just yours - would completely change the dynamic of the evening out. Again, I truly hope that you aren't offended, and I hope that we can organise something with the children separately in the near future.

If I was one of your friends I would be PISSED OFF if I was expecting an adults only dinner somewhere, and a chance to relax and vent, only to find someone had brought their kid along. It would just utterly defeat the purpose.

exexpat · 30/09/2014 13:44

But toddlers are such sparkling conversationalists, and have lovely table manners - why would anyone not want to have one join them for dinner? Hmm

She is barking. Is this her PFB?

magoria · 30/09/2014 13:44

I would go back to her and make it doubly clear that it is child free.

Who wants a tired toddler around when they are meant to be having some grown up company.

Either she doesn't like leaving DC or (more likely) her H doesn't want to put himself out if he suggested it.
Arrange another day time to meet with toddler.

ThirdPoliceman · 30/09/2014 13:45

oooh tricky, obvs a pfb is a treat to spend time with........

Good luck there op, this is wrong on so many levels. I don't know what I would say or do but I wouldn't be happy.

Twitterqueen · 30/09/2014 13:48

Definitely a lazy arse of a H.

Not sure why the friend went along with it even for a moment!

Don't feel bad OP. I don't think there's a mother alive who would think this a good idea.

Original poster
jimijack · 30/09/2014 13:53

Yep yep yep, lazy arse dh who wants to go on his x boy thingy all night.

And yep pfb.

Oh my, you lot can sniff these things out in one sentence can't you. Ha!!

OP posts:
helensburgh · 30/09/2014 13:56

Well done for saying it.

Agree with others.

dinkystinky · 30/09/2014 13:57

Really bad idea - my toddler would be ratty as all hell at going out with a load of adults ain an evening!

lunar1 · 30/09/2014 14:10

He's just lazy and doesn't want to look after his child.

Mammanat222 · 30/09/2014 14:17

You can't be that good "friends" if you think you have upset her and ruined things (or if she is actually upset about this and you have ruined things!)

I have cancelled a night out as my friend had childcare fall through and wanted to bring her 18m old to the pub! She didn't even realise kids are not allowed in pubs bless her.

Same friend recently bought her (now almost 3 year old) DS to dinner as her partner was on call. We'd taken great trouble to all get to together so she either came sans child or missed out.

When my DS was about 8 months I had a Sunday afternoon lunch / piss up planned but OH woke up with a bug that morning and was too ill to have DS, I actually gave my friends the option of having me there with child or not. I know they would have been completely honest with me had they not wanted baby there - back then he was so easy though, I could take him out and even have a few glasses of wine. I think in the same situation arose now I'd cancel as toddlers and restaurants do not mix.

Sorry I digress! Basically there are occasions our kids have joined us over the years but never once because we thought out other friends would "appreciate" seeing our little bundles of joy!

Going out with friends is such a rare treat that I actually don't want to take DS with me!

Speak to your friend, make sure she is cool - if she isn't then that's her issue.

Her OH sounds like an arse though!

weeblueberry · 30/09/2014 14:29

"I'd love to see your DD but let's do a day outing on X day so she's not getting all bored and flustered at dinner!"

Fudgeface123 · 30/09/2014 14:31

It would be a total deal breaker for me if a friend suggested bringing a kid along...I'd cancel

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 30/09/2014 14:34

Toddlers need to be in bed fast asleep in the evenings, not being dragged out to restaurants till eff-knows what time and ruin a perfectly decent adult get-together. Never mind all the other diners when said toddler gets over-tired and grizzly.

Only a bloody idiot would think this was a good idea. Selfish, lazy and irresponsible twat.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 30/09/2014 14:41

I would agree that you are right, JimiJack (and others above). An evening out with adults is not the place for a toddler who should be in bed and asleep at that time.
If your friend was taken aback, then that is not your fault.

FunkyBoldRibena · 30/09/2014 14:44

'this isn't a play date love, it's an evening out with adults and wine'.

AlpacaMyBags · 30/09/2014 14:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bleedingheart · 30/09/2014 14:51

What a selfish arse he sounds.
I assume your friend isn't out and about all the time with him looking after baby? He resents her having one night? Poor woman.

Twinklestein · 30/09/2014 16:11

He's probably planning an evening in with Mrs Palm and her 5 daughters...

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 30/09/2014 16:26

^He could probably still have that with a toddler tucked up in bed.^

Unless, more to the point, that said toddler isn't a good sleeper, so he won't be able to have a wank in peace. Or, he'd like to go out somewhere with his own chums and is reluctant to cancel because he's a selfish arse but that can't be said to the friends outright.

Jackie0 · 30/09/2014 16:36

So she said her dh suggested it for said reasons, not her idea at all then.
Sounds like she actually wanted your take on it.

Completely mad suggestion obviously and I might have laughed

getthefeckouttahere · 30/09/2014 16:55

Fair play to her husband, he very nearly got that one home. Damn you perceptive women!!!

IsItMeOr · 30/09/2014 17:03

How very odd. I'd be tempted to share this little gem with the other friends who would be more militant than you...

kaykayblue · 30/09/2014 17:43

Just as a general comment, I don't think it's true that children and evenings out NEVER mix, and that it's irresponsible to do so.

It's a regular sight here to see a couple out at a bistro with their baby in the moses basket or whatever, or kids asleep in their prams whilst the adults chat and have some wine (no, obviously no-one drives afterwards). It's actually wonderful to see parents carrying their kids home (normally asleep) at 2300 or 0000 on a friday or saturday evening. The kids are always well behaved, it doesn't bother anyone, and the parents get to have some time to relax with their friends without worrying about childcare.

Then again, overall I have to say that I think the French deal with socialising post children much much better than in the UK.

The difference here is that the people actually wanted a no kids evening.

IsItMeOr · 30/09/2014 18:44

kay I do think there is a difference between a sleeping baby and a toddler - who is much less likely to sleep - in the context you mention. But then DS was always such a poor sleeper it was a complete non-starter for us at any age...

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