Angst, excitement and uncertainly of new relationship

[excitedbutscared]

I hope some of you will relate to what I am feeling and going through - and not think I am too much of a psycho!

I'm in quite a new relationship - we met online in January and have carried on seeing each other more and more. In July, he told me he had fallen in love with me and I was over the moon. The problem is - I feel like I am obsessed with him and so insecure! I haven't let on these feelings I don't think and when he describes me to other people he says I am a strong, confident business woman.

This is the first 'new' relationship I have had after only really having two serious relationships before but they were both long, with little or no gap and I first got married at 18 so I have never really been single before and now in my late 30's - I honestly don't know how to do this new relationship bit, how I should behave in terms of amount of contact (and content) etc.

He treats me like a princess when we are together, but when we are not - it feels like 'out of sight, out of mind'. Is that just men? He does text nearly every morning - although the difference between us is that I would text as soon as I woke up and he would wait until he got to work, or was free in the morning and as stupid and childish as it sounds, I don't understand why he wouldn't text before he left for work either! God I sound like a fruitcake. There are many situations like this though.. He would text at 8ish saying he was having a pint in the pub and would call in a bit when home. Then he would get home but not call, then he would text saying he's making dinner and not call then finally about 10.30pm - he'll call for a 10 minute chat. Do I sound absolutely bonkers?

The other thing with it is that I feel like I do all the arranging to see each other. We only see each other at weekends as he lives about 40 miles away but it can get to Friday and if I haven't instigated the plans, he won't either until very late on in the day. I don't know if he is playing games - or again, is this just a man thing?

I can't stop thinking about him! I literally wake up thinking about him and think about him until I go to sleep! I have never been like this with anyone before and I also get paranoid that when he doesn't text for a while, he is with someone else and he always has a completely viable reason for not being in touch.. just watching tele, doing housework or on the phone to work but even so, every time - I think the same thing again!

The only thing is, when we first started dating, after about 3 months, he suddenly disappeared after spending the weekend together and didn't talk to me for 4 days. I didn't contact him either once I figured out what he was doing and he got back in touch with me and asked to pick back up from where we were. Now, I can't stop panicking that he is going to do this again.

Things since then have improved dramatically though as he has introduced me to his DD and his parents quite a few times and is 'public' with me on Facebook.. something which his friend (and also ex-girlfriend) told me is quite a big deal for him!

My other thing I think about and don't know is - when do people move in together? 6 months, 1 year, 2 years? I don't feel like I really know him properly yet so I wouldn't so it yet anyway - but it would be nice to know that was on the cards but I'm always so afraid to bring things like that up so I don't scare him away.

Would love to hear advice and/or other people's experiences of how to 'handle' men. In a nutshell, I feel like I have to play some kind of game to keep him keen and want to progress things.. but really don't know how! I guess it's worked so far though (not game playing, just only texting or calling once out of the 10000 times I actually want to haha)

Title was meant to say 'uncertainty' not Uncertainly!

Do you think he knows that you feel any of this? Have you talked to him to say that it's all quite a new thing for you and you find it a bit overwhelming at times? The thing about him disappearing for 4 days was a bit odd - did you ever find out why that happened? You should be able to ask him that and expect a proper answer.

I'm a man and, to be honest (and I'm trying to be kind), your email just comes across as a bit manic and intense. If I was your bloke and read this I'd think it was all a bit scary and over the top.

But it's a bit worrying that you feel you need to play a game to keep him interested. It shouldn't be like that.

You don't "handle" men. (well not in that way, ahem). If you feel like you are having to play a game with him, something is wrong. I think it sounds to me like he is enjoying keeping you wrongfooted and watching you spin around to his tune. Or he might be oblivious to your anxiety, which makes him a bit thoughtless and careless. However, the fact that he did a bit of a disappearing act suggests that he knows exactly what he's at. He is dangling himself before you on a thread, just out of reach. It is unfair on you and not the action of someone who claims to love you.

It might be that you are incompatible, in that you require a certain level of attention and reassurance, and he can't be bothered to give that.

pompodd No, I have kept this to myself as I know how crazy it sounds. I have though recently told him that the intensity of my feelings scare me and his response was "don't be scared - I'm not going to let you down or hurt you".. but people can't promise that but it was nice to hear it at the time.

I know it does come across that way - I wanted to write honestly and just 'let it out'.. that's why I posted it I guess because it's horrible actually feeling like this in the first place but I don't know why, or how to calm myself down!

His explanation for the 4 days was that he was under a huge amount of pressure at work and he just went into himself, and the longer he left it without being in touch the harder he found it to then get in touch and that he didn't want me to see his weaknesses as a man so early on. I personally think this is not true and that he had cold feet or things got too serious too quickly, but when I didn't chase him, he changed his mind back again. It was very early on I suppose and he hasn't done anything like that since.

So what if you had a new girlfriend who wanted more from the relationship sooner than you? Would it put you off? Would you prefer to go at your own pace or is there a need to compromise? I just don't think you can compromise on things like that - you either want it or you don't and any compromise would be going against your own wishes, whatever they are and there's no right or wrong either I guess.

thalassa I see your point.

So, do I just open up and tell him how I feel at the risk of losing him? Or go the other way and stop being so 'available' (which would be difficult).

If it is all in my head, I'd like to try and work it out! But telling him how I feel, as pompodd says, I would sound a bit mad and could scare him off unnecessarily!

It might be true that he's dangling her, thalassa.

But equally - OP being unhappy with him because he doesn't text as soon as he wakes up but waits til he gets to work, OP admitting that he always has a viable reason for not being in touch, OP saying that he does instigate plans but not early enough for OP's liking..all just sounds completely exhausting.

This is what I mean.. is it just me expecting too much and need to 'back off' a bit (without going cold).. it's so hard to know what the right balance is! I don't want to chill out too much then make HIM think I've gone off him! Or, is this guy just not the right one for me because I feel like this in the first place? I never have before, but I don't think I've ever really cared about it as much as this before either

Hmm, his 4 day absence explanation sounds sort of plausible, but you obviously know him and I don't!

If a girlfriend wanted to go much faster than me I think I'd still go at my own pace and if she couldn't accept that then that would be that, I guess. But others may be different.

I forgot to add that after we spent the weekend together, I asked how he would feel seeing each other on Wednesday nights too, taking it in turns to go to each other's houses. He said it was 'a done deal - as long as he didn't have to be somewhere difficult with work the next day'...

I don't think I'll mention it again at all and see what he does about it!

There's no timetable or consensus as to living together. It'll happen when you're both comfortable with it.
Also, if you're playing games and trying to outpsyche each other or just one of you is doing it, you'll come unstuck.

I think you need to stop and take a breath.

I felt like this in a couple of relationships after I split from a long term abusive ex. My self esteem and self belief were in pieces.

I think he exactly knows how you feel and is either keeping you at arms length or is messing with you because he knows your eager.

I would take what his ex and friend said with a pinch of salt. Adult men wouldn't see it as a big deal in committing in to a adult relationship after nearly ten months- if they wanted to.

The chasing games are immature. If he wants you he would be around and making you feel safe and stable.

Your instincts are making you nervous. His behaviour is setting them off.

I think you need to cool right down and take a proper look at what's going on.

When I met dp there was no question about how we felt about each other because he wanted what I wanted.

Jesus no, you never tell them these things!!! Because then you come across as totally insane.

But the feelings themselves are fairly normal I think. I certainly felt this way about my partner when I met him. But keep it to yourself - try and not to become overwhelmed by them, and that takes effort.

MAKE SURE you are still going out with friends. MAKE SURE you are still doing all your hobbies, and not just moping around at home checking your phone every thirty seconds. Don't lose your life to these feelings - that's not okay.

But the fact that the feelings exist is just the standard throes of a new relationship.

I think you need to stop being so "pushy" as well - by which I mean, stop doing all the running around. Don't mention getting together at the weekend. Leave it to him. If he hasn't mentioned it by Thursday or friday morning, then ORGANISE SOMETHING WITH YOUR FRIENDS. If he then says super late "so what are we doing this weekend" you can reply with a "oh, well you didn't mention anything so I made plans with friends. Let's do something next weekend".

You need to avoid giving this sense of being someone he can just pick up whenever he can be bothered to organise something. It's very disrespectful.

He does text nearly every morning - although the difference between us is that I would text as soon as I woke up and he would wait until he got to work, or was free in the morning and as stupid and childish as it sounds, I don't understand why he wouldn't text before he left for work either! God I sound like a fruitcake. There are many situations like this though.. He would text at 8ish saying he was having a pint in the pub and would call in a bit when home. Then he would get home but not call, then he would text saying he's making dinner and not call then finally about 10.30pm - he'll call for a 10 minute chat. Do I sound absolutely bonkers?

There's no way I would ever regularly text someone as soon as I woke up or call them the very second I got home. I find it hard to believe that you expect someone too. Sorry you sound like hard work to me.

As I have got older, and have many relationships under my belt, good and bad, I have realised that relationships should not be full of angst, they shouldn't make me feel insecure and if I'm checking my phone every five minutes, to run a mile. Healthy relationships make you feel good about yourself, yes the first month or so may be a little uncertain, but OP you have been seeing this guy since January, you should know where you stand by now. I think he is playing games with you personally, especially since he knows that your feelings towards him are 'intense'. I would be v careful with your feelings where he is concerned, OP.

Thanks kaykayblue - it's really good to know I'm not the only one! How long does this angst last for??!

I do try and do other things.. he does too. I have two teenagers though so not quite so easy

I'll try on the not instigating and then being 'busy with friends' if he doesn't suggest something.. I guess i've set a precedence now though in that the expectation is that we just spend weekends together and if I did that, and he is just genuinely busy in his head, it would look like I deliberately planned something else instead of seeing him without talking to him about it either. Hmmmphh..

john Thanks too.. I needed to hear both male and female view points

noimspartacus - that is what I was afraid of. I've invested emotionally a lot now and it would be hard to 'run a mile' now.. Not really sure how to turn it around

I'm a woman, I need to change my user name!

On your other points, I agree with others - this should not be so angsty, you should not be feeling this insecure, and the reason you are, is him.

(But on the texting issue alone, I think you are asking way, way too much of anyone.)

OMG I'm so sorry!! I shouldn't have just assumed..

I have had pretty rubbish treatment from past relationships and this guy is everything I could want in a man and more! I think I have started off feeling he is 'too good for me' and can't believe my luck! Talking about it makes me realise it's my own personal insecurity that is the cause, not necessarily him. Perhaps I expect him to make up for my insecurity, which isn't fair on him I guess...

I, however, am a man.

If you are going to make these changes, don't make them in one fell swoop. He'll just wonder what you're up to and be suspicious of the sudden change of character.

Poor you!

I don't agree you sound like hard work - you have not put this on him at all (which would make you 'hard work' - or insecure - imo). You have specifically kept from splashing it all over him. Well done.

I really don't think the way you are feeling is at all unusual. It can be frightening to fall in love.

I would say, though: let him chase a bit, don't be as available. Let him feel some angst that you may not be quite in the bag.

You sound really nice, OP. If it were me I'd just say to this guy, well, girl, if you see what I mean "Look, I really like you. And because I like you so much I'm overthinking everything and getting myself uptight. And because of that I feel like I need you to take the lead a bit more with organising weekends and stuff. Does that make sense?"

And then see what he says and where it takes you. If he really cares for you like he says he does then he should be bending over backwards to put your mind at rest and step up a bit (I know I would if a girlfriend I really cared about said that to me). If he doesn't then you've got a tricky time coming up and you will need to find a way to disengage. But at least you will know.

Keep your wits about you and I hope it all works out.

I know exactly how you feel, I was like this at the start of my relationship with DP too. After a long marriage with little affection my self esteem was pretty low and I just didn't believe that dp could really love me and want to be with me.

We're two years in now and those feelings are nowhere near as prevalent, although that is mainly due to lots of reassurance from dp when I've felt insecure and also the way he has reacted when we've argued and it looked like we might split up. Him making the moves to fix things and proving that our relationship is important to him has all helped me to back off.

Also good communication is key. He knows now not to make vague arrangements and that if he says he'll call or be here at a certain time that I'll worry that he's forgotten me if he's late!

This is all still quite new for you, less than a year is still quite a new relationship, so don't worry about feeling a bit head over heels, talk to him about how you feel (without letting ALL the crazy out!) but make sure he knows that you recognise you're being a bit daft and just need a bit of reassurance.

If he loves you and is serious about you, he will boost your self esteem so that you no longer question whether he wants to be with you. Thanks to DP being lovely to me, I now know that I'm an awesome girlfriend and HE is lucky to have ME! I love spending time with him, but am also happy now to have the odd night apart and if he doesn't arrange to come round, I just get on with stuff, as I know it's not a failing of mine if he's not here with me.

You need to realise your worth and then you won't panic so much.

Thanks pompodd - that sounds like a reasonable and sane thing to do!

I'd even worry about saying that in case it scares him away! But, I don't feel like carrying on how I am feeling is healthy at all so I'll have to bite the bullet (although it's not a huge bullet :-))

Ok, being brutally honest: if saying what I suggested further up scares him away then he's really not worth having. Because there's nothing scary about that at all.

OP you sound lovely. Can I suggest a book that I think would be extremely useful to you called 'the passion trap' or sometimes called 'the passion paradox'. It's on Amazon with glowing reviews, it wi really, really help you. I wish I'd read it years ago before I spent nine years in an insecure relationship, it's a real eye opener.