Angst, excitement and uncertainly of new relationship

[excitedbutscared]

I hope some of you will relate to what I am feeling and going through - and not think I am too much of a psycho!

I'm in quite a new relationship - we met online in January and have carried on seeing each other more and more. In July, he told me he had fallen in love with me and I was over the moon. The problem is - I feel like I am obsessed with him and so insecure! I haven't let on these feelings I don't think and when he describes me to other people he says I am a strong, confident business woman.

This is the first 'new' relationship I have had after only really having two serious relationships before but they were both long, with little or no gap and I first got married at 18 so I have never really been single before and now in my late 30's - I honestly don't know how to do this new relationship bit, how I should behave in terms of amount of contact (and content) etc.

He treats me like a princess when we are together, but when we are not - it feels like 'out of sight, out of mind'. Is that just men? He does text nearly every morning - although the difference between us is that I would text as soon as I woke up and he would wait until he got to work, or was free in the morning and as stupid and childish as it sounds, I don't understand why he wouldn't text before he left for work either! God I sound like a fruitcake. There are many situations like this though.. He would text at 8ish saying he was having a pint in the pub and would call in a bit when home. Then he would get home but not call, then he would text saying he's making dinner and not call then finally about 10.30pm - he'll call for a 10 minute chat. Do I sound absolutely bonkers?

The other thing with it is that I feel like I do all the arranging to see each other. We only see each other at weekends as he lives about 40 miles away but it can get to Friday and if I haven't instigated the plans, he won't either until very late on in the day. I don't know if he is playing games - or again, is this just a man thing?

I can't stop thinking about him! I literally wake up thinking about him and think about him until I go to sleep! I have never been like this with anyone before and I also get paranoid that when he doesn't text for a while, he is with someone else and he always has a completely viable reason for not being in touch.. just watching tele, doing housework or on the phone to work but even so, every time - I think the same thing again!

The only thing is, when we first started dating, after about 3 months, he suddenly disappeared after spending the weekend together and didn't talk to me for 4 days. I didn't contact him either once I figured out what he was doing and he got back in touch with me and asked to pick back up from where we were. Now, I can't stop panicking that he is going to do this again.

Things since then have improved dramatically though as he has introduced me to his DD and his parents quite a few times and is 'public' with me on Facebook.. something which his friend (and also ex-girlfriend) told me is quite a big deal for him!

My other thing I think about and don't know is - when do people move in together? 6 months, 1 year, 2 years? I don't feel like I really know him properly yet so I wouldn't so it yet anyway - but it would be nice to know that was on the cards but I'm always so afraid to bring things like that up so I don't scare him away.

Would love to hear advice and/or other people's experiences of how to 'handle' men. In a nutshell, I feel like I have to play some kind of game to keep him keen and want to progress things.. but really don't know how! I guess it's worked so far though (not game playing, just only texting or calling once out of the 10000 times I actually want to haha)

Thank you NoImSpartacus - I've just read the review and it sounds really helpful! Buying it now....

Ah excellent ! I would be really interested to see what you think of it.

Good luck

Hi OP, unfortunately I can really relate to how you describe what you've felt but I've done the opposite & rather than go full on I've backed off because I'm scared (probably of rejection).
It's difficult to know how to be especially if you haven't got a huge amount of self-esteem.
You may give off a very competent & confident air, whilst feeling really unsure & insecure (the whole swan thing- elegant on top & paddling like fury underneath) so its difficult for people to get beyond that first impression & a huge burden to keep all the crazy at bay!

I think what Pompodd suggested saying seems reasonable and would give you the confidence that this man is prepared to put in equal effort to keep the relationship going.
I've recently adopted a saying from Mark Twain: "Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option". It seems a healthy mantra to me. Good luck!

OP

I'm watching this with interest because everything you describe is exactly my experience of how I think and behave, and how the men behave!

What always puzzles me is the mixed messages. If they are not really interested, why when I give them a get out do they not take me up on it?

Unfortunately all my relationships have ended because my instincts have told me they are not interested - or interested enough, I've called them up on it, while trying not to seem too "bunny boilerish", they deny and then it turns out I was right after all and they want out.

I agree with one of the posters above that if you both want the same thing, there shouldn't be any worries about games or how we come across.

It's all still a mystery to me, and often I think it always will be.

OP - you asked me how long it lasted. Hmmmm. That's actually a really good question!

I would say that it was definitely the case up until we said "I love you" to each other, then it bizarrely got even stronger after that, and started to calm down after about....12 months? It was still at a "low level" crazy for a good 18 months though. We've living together for over a year now, and I can't remember the last time I felt like that (the sort of weird obsession thing).

I don't think it tends to be as bad if you live closer together and see each other not just at the weekends, but an evening here and there, so it's more spread out. For us, it was long distance, so weekends only.

On the weekends - you could simply mention to him something along the lines of "Hey X - I am seeing friends this weekend as we haven't arranged anything. Can you drop me a line next week to let me know if/when you want to meet up next weekend?"

At the moment I am sort of between thinking that this guy is just a bit lazy and is leaving all the legwork of organisation to you, but does really care about you, and thinking that maybe he is just NTIY. It's very difficult to tell from a post, but you will probably already have a good idea from how he behaves :)

Thanks KayKay

Even though it's still angsty - it's not as bad as it was and I'm about 9 months in. It used to be so bad I couldn't even sleep and would actually check my phone at 3am!! It's crazy!! I don't do that any more thankfully!!

So, he texted me on Tuesday night and asked if I still wanted to see him on the Wednesday night - which was great that he brought it up. At first, I thought he was looking for an out so said that I would of course love to see him, but as he would be travelling all day, it would be absolutely fine if it was better to leave it until the weekend. He replied saying he always wants to see me! So I went over last night and we had a nice evening together, made food (and other things... ahem) and he took the morning off work to make me breakfast and spend a bit of time with me. He also voluntarily talked about our plans for the weekend.

I've been thinking and I feel that something is also missing.. there doesn't seem to be that deep connection between us that two people have. Not on an emotional level, more just as two people.. you know, that 'we get on really well together and can pretty much talk about anything'. I think that my insecurity and obsession feeling is blocking that in a way, that I'm not allowing it to develop because I'm so - obsessed! I fear I am ruining what could be a great relationship myself because I can't just relax into it and am always so worried about what I'm saying or that I'm trying too hard etc. I don't know if he senses this at all.

With regards to how he behaves, when he is with me, he does and says all the right things. In fact even more so than anyone else ever has! But when I'm not with him, I immediately think he was just saying it and that he's really NTIM, and this goes back to my original post when I mention he doesn't text as quickly as I do, or doesn't always call exactly when he says he will etc which gives me total paranoia!

Arrgghhh... I can't wait for this feeling to diminish. You're right though, when he said 'I love you' for the first time (and he says it a lot), it did help A LOT..

Poycastle - I'm afraid I will be falling into the same pattern which is why I'm trying to identify and eradicate it now! I do think that there's an element of 'if you think it is going to end, it will' - because you force it! But it's easier said than done to be cool, relaxed and confident and not be 'bunny boilerish'.. because when you're always thinking about it and fighting against it, you're not allowing the true relationship to develop. Would you agree?

At first, I thought he was looking for an out so said that I would of course love to see him, but as he would be travelling all day, it would be absolutely fine if it was better to leave it until the weekend.

Why so amenable? Just think: he's lucky to have you. So instead of reaching up to the holy grail, see that you're already there, looking down. Try it for size. ( Comfortable, eh.)

excited - sometimes I think that is the case, sometimes I think the relationships are doomed anyway because they are not "that into me". I did have a comment from an "ex" (loosely I use this term as it was 5 months!) - who said that if you are always thinking about the worst that can happen it's self-fulfilling. However, then he admitted he was still in love with someone else, so my instinct was right all along.

I don't think it's within my capabilities to be relaxed and confident, unfortunately. I know I have a big problem with dependence and wanting people to like me, not just men. And I know at our age people don't usually change.

Back to you though. Some people say I love you more easily than others, so it's hard to analyse it 100%, but I would say it's a good sign that he did say it. Sorry if I missed it but how early did he say it, that could be an indicator. Very early - not good. I think it's definitely good that he said he always wants to see you and took time off work - he didn't have to do that and wouldn't have done if he wanted to immediately get you out the house. (Just so you know how low I have sunk: I remember one man pretending to go to work on a Saturday at 6 am, so he could quickly get out the hotel I HAD PAID FOR!) What I do think, is that this man is very comfortable in his knowledge that you are madly in love with him. And when they are very sure it encourages complacency. They don't have the same nervous energy to count every minute between each text, call, meeting, etc.

I think this "there doesn't seem to be that deep connection between us that two people have. Not on an emotional level, more just as two people.. you know, that 'we get on really well together and can pretty much talk about anything'" could be your main problem. Maybe he has noticed it too.

I think you need to talk to him about ALL of this - if you want a concrete answer/decision. A couple of mine in this situation have ended in them calling it quits, so you may not be ready for that, of course. Even if you know it will give you a break from all the worry in the long term, you will miss him very much and probably aren't ready to do that yet.

Hand hold from another 3 am phone checker xx

Hi again!

Ouch! Yes, you should definitely trust your instinct, but also, especially as you get older, I believe people have more 'baggage'.. past relationships and I guess still could have feelings for other people but can still be happy in another relationship if that other one simply didn't work out. I suppose it's a case of how long you hang in there for to see if your relationship works out or not with that angsty thing there!

I'm a bit like that too.. I get insecure with friends and family and get upset easily. I've never been this clingy to a man though! But I think I have always deliberately stayed with someone who I feel isn't as good (god that sounds so shallow, I dont mean it nastily) as what I would perhaps want so that I always feel 'stronger' and - not like this!

He said it after quite a while - It was July and we have been seeing each other since January. It was a very sincere moment and he obviously found it quite difficult to get the words out and even said he had felt it for quite a while but didn't want to say it as he wasn't sure if it was what I wanted to hear!!!! Oh the irony

He brought up Christmas this weekend and said he would like to spend it with me, which came from him and not me! And introduced me to his longest friends at the weekend too. He's driving to mine tonight to give my DD a birthday present as it coming with me to see my Father at the weekend which is about 200 miles away - so he really is doing all the right things I could want or expect someone to do when in a committed relationship - so I don't understand why I still feel like this! I've been with him and his DD most of the weekend and almost an hour or 2 after I have left, I get this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and a lump in my throat.. wondering what he is now doing, will he text me soon, is he happier not being with me.. It sounds so crazy and self-destructive.

Another big issue I have is that his ex-girlfriend, who he has had two 4-5 year relationships with in the last 20 years, lives in the same town as him, works in his local and still has involvement with his DD. They are obviously still very close 'friends' but it does concern me that if they have had a second relationship together, that they'll decide to try again in the future... I have met her and socialised with her and my DP is outwardly affectionate towards me in front of her, but they are still quite 'touchy feely' together, although she also has a new partner who is around a lot at the same time.. all a bit weird and he often praises me for being so good about it

God - I thought it was mainly puppies that got separation anxiety! I'm seeing him again tonight and already have butterflies! I think the solution is to lock him in my bedroom and kill all other women who he talks to.. haha - JOKE!!!!

I know that the most sensible thing IS to talk to him about all of this, but I have managed to keep a lid on it this long and I think conceal my worries, that if I did, it would change the dynamic irreversibly so and ruin it.. Maybe in the future!

I'd like to be able to talk to him about the future, does he think about living together etc.. how that would work etc - but don't know how to bring it up without being all serious and spoiling things - we really do have such a great time when we are together and it feels completely natural. There is probably absolutely nothing wrong to him and don't want to create a problem that doesn't actually exist

I know that the most sensible thing IS to talk to him about all of this

Er... having read all your posts am not entirely sure this would actually help.
I mean this in the nicest possible way but you sound pretty intense in your posts which is fine on here but perhaps not as part of a conversation with your new partner... if that makes sense.

You feel anxious because it is all so good and you are probably waiting for it to come crashing down. Enjoy him and enjoy the relationship as it develops. I don't believe it is necessary to share all our deep seated anxieties over new relationships with a new partner as they are just that.... our own anxieties not generated by the other person. It is a normal part of falling in love and realising this person really is/could be a significant part of your life.

Chill out. easier said than done as I have been where you are.