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Original poster

He wants to take things slow..

30 replies

Juliejools89 · 29/09/2014 13:09

I posted a few weeks back about the man I'm dating long distance.
He is currently looking for work outside his family's pub as he feels out of control with being asked to work at the drop of a hat and not being able to commit proper time to see me/arrange visits.

He was off on Saturday so he took me to the pub and introduced me to his mum and brothers and it was all very nice.

We then talked about 'us' and what our expectations were. I was staying in a hotel with work that evening and said he was more than welcome to come back, to which he said he really wanted to but couldn't as it wouldn't be 'proper'.

He is a religious man, has only been in one long term relationship and slept with one other lady. I find this wonderful and refreshing, but have no experience in ever having a guy want to wait. I believe in having a connection with a man before we sleep together and nearly 3 months in I feel it with him. We have had sexual conversations and a couple of occasions we've been alone in private together it's evident how we make each other feel so I've no worries that we aren't attracted to each other.

He says he doesn't want us to be together for the first time in a hotel and that once he has a stable job with committed hours he'll come visit me instead of me coming to him and then he thinks it'll feel right for something to happen. Living above the pub with 3 other people makes him uncomfortable for us to be together there as everyone can hear.

I'm just wondering if anybody has ever had this- all I seem to experience with my friends are men moving super fast, so I'm a little thrown by this mans respect for me. Don't get me wrong, it's lovely, and he seems keen to build a foundation which he said his previous relationship lacked, but just wanted others views :)

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 29/09/2014 13:15

I think it's a little weird that he wants to wait until he has a home and job! That could take months!

I hope you're a patient lady!

Lovingfreedom · 29/09/2014 13:27

Personally I'd avoid anyone with ideas about what is 'proper' between two consenting adults. I'm sorry to be negative but I can't help thinking he is almost certain to judge you and punish you for being sexually active, at some point.

getthefeckouttahere · 29/09/2014 13:58

If you are ok with it then that sounds just fine.

As you asked for others opinions then ill give you mine, i think it all sounds just too much hard work. I suspect that he may have some very inhibited views on sex and relationships and tbh he wouldn't be for me. Whilst i can understand his concerns about using his house, i just don't see the point of reserve about a hotel room? It would have seemed a perfect opportunity and thats why i think there are probably deeper issues. However i do recognise that i have a very relaxed attitude to sexual relationships that isn't shared by everyone!

googoodolly · 29/09/2014 14:24

Hmm, this is fine if you're in agreement with him, I suppose, but it all smacks of hard work and control to me. All this waiting for him to sort things out, but nothing about you and your needs/desires. You could be waiting months/years for him to sort out a job and somewhere to live - I wouldn't want to wait on someone for all of that.

It's not something I would go along with, though.

NickiFury · 29/09/2014 14:27

This would put me off immediately and I wouldn't bother any further.

NewEraNewMindset · 29/09/2014 14:31

I'm not sure I would be happy either. I think having a faith and morals is absolutely fine, but I would secretly be wondering if he had 'issues' in that area and so was putting the whole thing off.

When I met my DP through online dating I was intrigued at how different he was from other guys. Wasn't pressing for any dirty photos or indulging in flirty talk etc. Well three years in I know why, he has a low sex drive and has initiated sex probably three times in three years. Not exactly ideal when I have a strong sex drive but I love him, and our relationship is very strong.

So just be aware that whilst it might seem gentlemanly it also could be a mask for something else.

Jackie0 · 29/09/2014 14:48

Lots of good advice on here.

I would run for the hills but then I could never be in a relationship with a religious person.

It's not really about respect for you though is it? It about him making the rules and taking all decision making out of your hands. I wonder what other issues he will lay down the law about.

If you don't share his religious views I think you're doomed as a couple anyway, it's a big deal in a relationship.

SolidGoldBrass · 29/09/2014 14:56

It does sound like an awful lot of hassle. But if you have an equally low libido and 'traditional' views you might actually be happy with him - and at least it would mean not spoiling two homes.

pompodd · 29/09/2014 14:59

Not sure I understand. Is he saying that he doesn't want to have sex with you in a hotel? And/or that he doesn't want to have sex with you until he has a job with regular hours? Or is it that he doesn't want to have sex with you until you are married?

If he's religious I'd have thought only the last of those was an understandable reason (from his perspective). The other two sound a bit fishy to me.

Jackie0 · 29/09/2014 15:18

Actually I think I'd feel a bit humiliated. He knows you want a sexual relationship and he has put the brakes on. He hasn't exactly whipped you off your feet then. I'd need a bit more passion than that ??

AMumInScotland · 29/09/2014 16:11

I think being in a relationship with anyone with strong religious views is complicated if you don't share those views. And sometimes even if you do.

Are you prepared to accept limitations on what you do as a couple that are based on his beliefs, when you don't share them? It has been fine up to now, with the long-distance aspect, and you've been fine about waiting because that's something you would have done anyway.

But at what stage do you decide that not having sex because of his attitudes to it is problematic?

He seems to have his own ideas about what is 'proper' that aren't specifically about his religion. Either it's ok to have sex outside of marriage, once you feel the relationship has reached that stage, or it isn't. Whether the 'first time' is in a hotel or your home isn't really a religious issue. It's a hang-up that he has. An attitude to women and to sex. I agree it's nice to have a 'first time' you can look back on with happiness and not feel it was rushed, or a bad choice. But that's more about the people and the relationship than the venue.

pompodd · 29/09/2014 16:22

I agree with what AMumInScotland says. Any bloke that doesn't want to have sex with a lovely new woman in a hotel because it isn't "proper" needs his head read in my opinion.

If he didn't want to have sex with you before you were married then I could perhaps understand it more (but would still be very wary unless you shared the same views on the basis that all Judeo-Christian religions are, in my opinion, based on misogyny anyway).

PlantsAndFlowers · 29/09/2014 16:31

I suspect this is a cover for a tiny cock or erectile dysfunction.

NickiFury · 29/09/2014 16:39

Or he's gay and in denial.

SolidGoldBrass · 29/09/2014 16:42

'Very religious' along with 'reluctant to have sex' might also mean 'gay but so far in the closet he's in Narnia.' It's still not that uncommon for a person raised in a very superstitious backward-looking community to feel unable to admit to homosexuality, so that person will seek out a member of the opposite sex to marry in order to appear 'normal', but will have a very low interest in sex with the marital partner. Sometimes, if it's a closeted religious man, he will be horrible to his wife and blame her for the lack of sex in the marriage even though it's got nothing to do with her behaviour and everything to do with her not having a willy.

I would genuinely advise the OP to leg it and look for someone with less baggage.

wfielder · 29/09/2014 16:43

PlantsandFlowers has it, I'm afraid. Low libido is the third option.

This may sound cynical, but my friend's experiences have all been disturbingly similar. All thought they had met a real gentleman at first and were delighted.

wfielder · 29/09/2014 16:44

Gay must be the 4th option. Oh dear.

Original poster
Juliejools89 · 29/09/2014 16:47

Oh thank god I asked! I had an awful feeling I'd get told off for being suspicious of a lovely man, but something isn't sitting right and a couple of thoughts I'd had have also been said.

OP posts:
StaircaseAtTheUniversity · 29/09/2014 16:53

Another one saying run. Similar experiences with a man who was very hung up on "properness" but who had a very low sex drive and who, looking back, I think was gay.

Charley50 · 29/09/2014 17:01

What Plants and Flowers said.

SweetErmengarde · 29/09/2014 17:14

Run for them hills, OP.

Even if he isn't secretly gay, religiously repressive in a way that makes the Puritans look like the cast of Geordie Shore or harbouring a micropenis, he is laying down the law on how your relationship will progress without any consideration of your hopes or needs.

That alone suggests utter selfishness and potentially a perception of women as less than equal.

Out of curiosity, how was he able to bring himself to have sex with his previous partner if she exists? Did he used to have his own home and a stable job, and if so, what happened to them?

Branleuse · 29/09/2014 17:16

oh god, he'll want to marry you before you get a shag, and then youll find out he has a micropenis and doesnt know what a tongue is for.

I wouldnt call it refreshing, id call it wierd

UpNorthAgain · 29/09/2014 17:20

Pompodd, you have reassured me that I'm normal after an unpleasant experience earlier this year. Back story - had started relationship at Christmas with man whom I knew through work. We don't actually work in the same location, but bump into each other several times a year at work-related meetings. So, we'd DTD and been to stay at each other's houses several times and a two-day meeting was coming up in May. Naturally, I thought we would be all professional and distant during the day, but spend the nights in bed together. In fact, I was really looking forward to the naughtiness of it! No, he decided that wouldn't be 'proper' and I ended up feeling tarty, desperate and humiliated. We didn't last much longer after that.

pompodd · 29/09/2014 17:26

UpNorthAgain - glad to have been of assistance!

Was his issue that you weren't "out" as a couple so he didn't want to run the risk of you being outed at a meeting if the Company would have viewed relationships between staff as inappropriate/not encouraged?

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 29/09/2014 17:28

Avoid the guy who puts up conditions on you having sex. AKA makes excuses.

It doesn't bode well, as everyone has said.

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