Discovered husbands affair

[katiejay2]

I found a message on Facebook earlier this year that had been sent to me on Christmas day (the day I flew to holiday with DH and kids) from someone claiming to have had an affair with my husband. DH works abroad rotational 1 month on, 1 month off. The message sender had suspended their account and used a false name so I couldn't find any more information. DH was enraged that I could even believe it to be true and tbh I chose to believe him because I wanted to . However, the seed of suspicion was planted and I checked the message regularly for reactivation of the account and earlier this week it was. I found out that the woman worked in the same town as my husband. I confronted him with this and he decided that now was the time to confess all. He says they had a brief fling at the end of 2013 and then again at the end of 2014 but are not in a relationship now.

He is on his way home now and I will collect him from the air port later today without the kids (both in teens). Utterly devastated and raw I have no idea how to handle things. I am only on day 4 of finding out so still in utter shock but due to his work we only have a time frame of just over 3 weeks to sort things out face to face before he goes back to work for another 4 weeks. I don't know how I will feel when I actually see him but right now I so desperately want him to come back to me.

We have been married for 20 years, there have been some not as good as others, but recently we had been on a real high, and everything we had been working for over the years has just come together, we had so many plans for his time off. Supposed to be collecting our first brand new car on Tuesday, sold our holiday home and were going to look for a couple of buy to lets to secure our future, I was supposed to meet him overnight on his way home on Friday, lots of events booked for the next few weeks... So I feel that if I had not pushed the issue he wouldn't ever have confessed, and right now I am kicking myself that I did (I'm sure that feeling will change). I still love him so deeply and am absolutely panic stricken about the thought of being without him.

I have had little contact with him over the last few days, more his choice than mine, and am heartbroken at the coldness of his tone both voice and texts. Can't understand how we went overnight from on a high to almost strangers.

Due to his job I have never worked, although I know he won't leave me short I don't know what to do about finances in the interim period when we are 'in limbo'?

I have had a friend and sister being amazing support for me. I guess from this thread I just want some help from people who have been affected by similar issue to give me some advice. Right now, I've been awake most of the night and am worrying how to handle seeing him for the first time and where to start. I know everyone will say he should be the one doing the talking and apologising, but he is a guy who just shuts down in difficult situations. I feel so ill just thinking about it all, I know I have many emotions to go through but am panicking about the lack of time we have. Sorry about the rambling, it has been a long night!

Use this time to see a solicitor and get your ducks in a row if you (or he) decides to pull the trigger on a divorce.

Also you'll need to prevent him moving money offshore, if you can.

You're all prepared to work things out. You'll need to be prepared for the other eventuality.

First of all op I am so so sorry that you are in this situation. What an utter shitehawk he's been

Hmm. Where to start?

First of all I know exactly how you feel. Exactly. Because an almost identical thing happened to me with my eDP. Even down to the length of the rotation he worked (oil right?) and finding out from facebook.

The first thing you will discover is that he will minimise. He's already started that "it was ONLY a fling). I will bet a pound to a pinch of snuff that it was (and still is) more than that. In my case I found out that they were living together and had been for nearly a year. You may also find out that she is not the first. Brace yourself op. There may be more to come. Many many men working these rotations are living completely double livesand it seems almost acceptable in that community so morals they hold dear at home just fly out of the window

As you may have gathered, this man is now my ex. We limped on for another 5 months but it turned out that he was going straight back to her every time he was working and I finally found the strength to leave

I'm so sorry I can't give you any more positive advice about how to stay together. I know that the pick me dance that I did was a, unsuccessful and b. soul destroying.

Good luck op. In my experience you're going to need it

And yes yes to protecting yourself financially. Legally. He has shown you that he is more than capable of deceiving you and treating you with no respect or consideration. Don't believe for a second he won't do that again with money. Especially with an ow pulling his strings and her eye in the prize.

On the other hand he may genuinely regret his actions. It may be that the OW has been threatening to get on touch with you again for a while now and he may be firefighting on that front. Perhaps things have been good recently because he realised what a close call he had, and what he stood to lose. Maybe his apparent coldness is a defence mechanism against what he fears may be to come now?

I'm not trying to defend him, he's clearly behaved like a complete shit. I just think you might have more options than it feels like at the moment and also that it's hard for you to see that from your current position in the maelstrom.

OP this coldness and lack of contact from him is seriously not on. Unless he is showing you he's going to move heaven and earth to win you back you just can't accept this treatment. And I mean real actions, not words.

I would expect,

• willingness to answer all questions fully, whenever you need to ask them.
• complete transparency, a sharing of emails and phones and Facebook etc.
• practical suggestions, from him, of how he was going to win back my trust and affection.
• separate bedrooms, if not separate accommodation completely.
• a demonstration of financial security for me, so that any decision is made free from needing this.

Anything less than that, any sulking or hesitation and he'd be out.

He's being cold manipulative so that you go running/begging to him and so far it sounds like its working.

Try to get angry. He's been shagging some woman abroad, probably not the first either and he lied about it. He should be trying to save your relationship, instead he's gone cold. Horrible.
I don't think you'll leave him but I hope you can make it work and not live in suspicion. I couldn't op.

Oh love, 2 brief flings in two years with the same woman? You KNOW this is bullshit, right?

Don't think for a moment that a man who can be do unfair to you in this, would then be trustworthy in finances.

He's not even trying.

You only have 3 weeks? No. If he wanted to, he'd call his boss and say "my marriage is about to implode, I may need time off". Your 20 year marriage would be worth that, no? He's not even trying now.
I'm sorry. But time to toughen up.

If you're familiar with Mumsnet you'll know the Cheater's Script. First thing is to deny and then to minimise.

To me it seems the OW was trying to force his hand by contacting you - something more likely if they were in a longer term relationship rather than a quick fling. Try and be prepared for the worst - that he has been leading another life with another woman for year/s.
You don't need to make any big decisions right now - just look after yourself. But eventually you will need to decide whether you are able to accept what he has done and I think a lot of that is based on how he reacts now to you.
As others have said, if he is open and honest (and that's not likely - sorry) you stand a better chance of moving forward.
Although right now your heart will be doing all it can to try and keep things the same - that's the easiest option. Weeks and months down the line you will torture yourself with what he is up to when he's away. Plus the nature of one month on, one month off is that because you only have a month with them you want it to be a good time.
My biggest piece of advice at this stage is to keep your dignity. Do not do the 'pick me' dance and do not engage in hysterical bonding.

You should also get legal advice on where you stand financially.
Good luck.

It may not feel like it now but the fact he works away will be a good thing for your recovery from this. It will allow you to disengage and start thinking about you, your life, and what you want. I always advise people going through this to separate and find themselves and their confidence before making any long term decisions. I didn't even begin to sort my head out and let go of my DH until I did this.

Right now you are probably desperate to keep your marriage going, but unless his attitude fundamentally changes that isn't really going to be feasible. Recovery from an affair is a long rocky road with many set backs, doubts, and difficulties along the way. It can only work if both parties want it to, and are completely focussed on that goal. He needs to be doing everything he possibly can to reassure you, help you heal, and show he is no longer in contact with OW. If he won't do this, don't waste your time on him.

Be prepared for an awful lot more hurtful information to come out. If he starts to blame you, and make it out to be your fault (he will) disengage. It is not your fault. Hold your head up and reassure yourself that the fault lies entirely with him. Not you, not OW, just him.

I read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass when my H's affair came out. Really helpful in processing how and why and what it takes to salvage a marriage. Unfortunately my ex wasn't prepared to but I do recommend that book to you. It's very helpful.

I'd say don't do anything rash. You're in shock.

Seeing a solicitor can be helpful as you know where you stand but take as long as you need to make a decision here. You must be reeling.

I'm so sorry. I suggest you go to a gum clinic and get tested. I know it's humiliating but there's no shame. They were truly lovely when I went.

Why would the OW contact you if it was just a brief fling do you think? What would she get out of it? Telling the wife is the sort of thing that a long term mistress does when she has run out of options.

My first bit of advice is don't cling to him in panic. Don't make up your mind before you see him that you will forgive him no matter what. This will do two things; tell him that he can cheat with no consequences and destroy and remaining respect he has for you. If he feels the consequence of cheating by being kicked out, you going to a solicitor, having to genuinely account for himself with some raw and honest conversations he may start to reflect on his choices in a different way. If you make it easy for him he will carry on exactly as he is. He's a man who can compartmentalise and cheat on his wife, he's obviously already justified it in his head, nothing you can say will change that, he has to change that himself ( he may never).
I wish you luck.

I wouldn't even pick him up from the airport, sorry!

Yes, let him make his own way home. So sorry your going through this.

There's something about this which makes me think there's a very real chance of the OP going the "hysterical bonding" / "pick me dance" route.
OP you must act with dignity and make him respect you .

There is no way I would be picking him up from the airport, OP. I expect you are on automatic pilot at the moment but you need to realise that everything has changed now, all bets are off.

You do not have to wash his clothes or cook for him and you certainly do not have to run around after him or even explain yourself. Send him a message that you will not be collecting him. You have changed your mind, you don't want to. Let him see that you won't be walked all over.

Pick him up from the airport?

You're kidding, right?

Yes, PLEASE do not do the "pick me" dance. Complete and utter loss of dignity, for starters.

This is not a fling. A brief fling does not contact the wife. They move on, cut their losses. A long term affair DOES often contact the wife, sometimes hoping he will choose them. (see, the pick me dance is already beginning)

I would bet that the affair has been going on well over a year now... and is still going on. Be prepared for minimising and tears that he says are because he is worried he'll lose you, but are simply tears that he got caught and now has to deal with the consequences.

And TELL people in RL. Do NOT hide his dirty little secret. Let him see just how people react to this.. to HIM. He will get disdain, YOU will get SUPPORT.

I know everyone will say he should be the one doing the talking and apologising, but he is a guy who just shuts down in difficult situations. I feel so ill just thinking about it all, I know I have many emotions to go through but am panicking about the lack of time we have.

Firstly, you do not have to make any decisions within any time frame. You can also change your mind.

If he shuts down that is, in effect, refusing to discuss it. That is rude, selfish, arrogant and controlling. Tell him that he is not to come home unless he is ready to talk. Let him take all the time he needs.

In the meantime, get legal advice and prepare to move on. You cannot force a relationship here. If he is not willing to do his part (which is 99% of it) then you have no choice. The relationship is over anyway.

Hope you're ok op.

Take a leaf out of your "D"H's book and don't talk too much. Let him talk. And watch him while he talks.

He will minimise. He will lie. He will try and deflect blame - onto you, the ow work stress. Anything but admitting that he cheated and lied because he could. And with his work pattern it was all too easy. And confined by his colleagues there.

Please consider an STI test. Your H has been having sex with at least one other woman over the period of a year.

I'm afraid I would not bet on it being the only one as he works away so much and clearly is capeable of such actions.

Remember your H was enraged at the message which was true. He looked into your eyes and bluntly lied to you. He came home from abroad, hugged you and said he missed you.

You cannot believe anything he says about this.

Same woman a year apart with no in between contact. Do you believe that?

The fact that he was mad at the beginning with you that you might even think this affair might be true makes me cross! I wouldn't be able to trust anything he says.

Be very careful financially as he won't, in all likelihood, be able to afford to keep two households if he does leave you and live with her. You think he'll leave you with money but it's quite likely, he is not going to leave you with a house, pay all the bills and food and give you enough money for you to live comfortably forevermore.

I'd be getting a job pretty sharpish.

He will have shagged loads - absolutely guaranteed. Got it sussed this guy - nice happy family at home, fills his boots while he is away each month.

I don't it is in anyone's best interests to tell OP that they have 'shagged loads'. What an insensitive post.

I agree it was extremely insensitively phrased but from my personal experience of being the partner of someone doing this type of working rotation, infidelity is endemic. The norm in fact And that is by my ex's own admission

I hope you're ok op. I cannot tell you how much you've struck a chord with me and I've been thinking about you

You would be a fool to sweep this under the carpet

He had you doubting yourself, and then confessed when he had to

he will do it again

Forgive him you like (I think you will, as a panicky, kneejerk reaction) but somewhere down the line when you have had time to process this you will realise your marriage has been tainted permanently

best you end it now, on your own own terms, before you humiliate yourself doing the pick me dance