Discovered husbands affair

[katiejay2]

I found a message on Facebook earlier this year that had been sent to me on Christmas day (the day I flew to holiday with DH and kids) from someone claiming to have had an affair with my husband. DH works abroad rotational 1 month on, 1 month off. The message sender had suspended their account and used a false name so I couldn't find any more information. DH was enraged that I could even believe it to be true and tbh I chose to believe him because I wanted to . However, the seed of suspicion was planted and I checked the message regularly for reactivation of the account and earlier this week it was. I found out that the woman worked in the same town as my husband. I confronted him with this and he decided that now was the time to confess all. He says they had a brief fling at the end of 2013 and then again at the end of 2014 but are not in a relationship now.

He is on his way home now and I will collect him from the air port later today without the kids (both in teens). Utterly devastated and raw I have no idea how to handle things. I am only on day 4 of finding out so still in utter shock but due to his work we only have a time frame of just over 3 weeks to sort things out face to face before he goes back to work for another 4 weeks. I don't know how I will feel when I actually see him but right now I so desperately want him to come back to me.

We have been married for 20 years, there have been some not as good as others, but recently we had been on a real high, and everything we had been working for over the years has just come together, we had so many plans for his time off. Supposed to be collecting our first brand new car on Tuesday, sold our holiday home and were going to look for a couple of buy to lets to secure our future, I was supposed to meet him overnight on his way home on Friday, lots of events booked for the next few weeks... So I feel that if I had not pushed the issue he wouldn't ever have confessed, and right now I am kicking myself that I did (I'm sure that feeling will change). I still love him so deeply and am absolutely panic stricken about the thought of being without him.

I have had little contact with him over the last few days, more his choice than mine, and am heartbroken at the coldness of his tone both voice and texts. Can't understand how we went overnight from on a high to almost strangers.

Due to his job I have never worked, although I know he won't leave me short I don't know what to do about finances in the interim period when we are 'in limbo'?

I have had a friend and sister being amazing support for me. I guess from this thread I just want some help from people who have been affected by similar issue to give me some advice. Right now, I've been awake most of the night and am worrying how to handle seeing him for the first time and where to start. I know everyone will say he should be the one doing the talking and apologising, but he is a guy who just shuts down in difficult situations. I feel so ill just thinking about it all, I know I have many emotions to go through but am panicking about the lack of time we have. Sorry about the rambling, it has been a long night!

if you like

AF is right. I did that dance as I said upthread when I found myself in the identical situation. And a. It didn't work and b. It left my self esteem in tatters

Bad enough he has been cheating on you but what's even worse is his reaction to you, hardly the actions of a person who is deep in guilt and remorse, in fact, why the hell are you getting him anywhere, you should be packing his bags, get rid, at least until you have time to accept and try and get over the hurt, never mind where you go to from here.

Agree with a lot of this.

It is harsh to say he's shagged loads but also probably true.

I think the key thing to take away from any affair where it is the man is that 9 times out of 10 it will just be a superficial hormonally influenced act(s) and you should try to get a crumb of comfort in the fact that it is not the same as him falling in love with someone else. Men can often just sleep with someone without it meaning anything at all.

I know things are raw but every second that passes is another step towards the day when you'll be happy again. Just think of it as the beginning of a process which is going to see you seize a new life.

Good luck. Time to think of yourself now and start the process of leaving him and his mistakes behind.

I can't agree with that. It might not 'mean anything at all' with regards to the person he has shagged, but it means an awful lot about his feelings towards his wife.

He's treated you abominably, OP. Take control of your life. Show him what you're made of.

The cheeky bastard. How dare he?

I'm giving you the male point of view. Men can easily disregard the serious repercussions of their actions when lust is involved.

It's not like he sat there before putting it in thinking about what impact it would have. Nor whether he 'dared' do it at all. He was thinking about sex. That's it.

I'm simply saying - don't overthink it.

That doesn't make it any better.

Shagging someone else is a series of choices. You don't go from idly musing about someone's attractiveness to being naked with them in a split second.

She's nice, shall I talk to her? Yes.
She likes me too, shall I flirt? Yes.
Oh, there's that nice woman, shall I sit next to her? Yes.
We're getting on well, shall I kiss her? Yes.
This is going further, shall I suggest going back to mine? Yes.

If the shagger's mind doesn't stray towards his wife at any point during any of these decisions, then something is seriously wrong. If it does and he thinks 'whatever', something is seriously wrong.

Either way - it's bad.

Oh, and don't think for a single second that women are any different from men when it comes to lust.

Don't kid yourself.

I think what FarEastMovement might be saying, is that there is no point in trying to figure out "why" he did this. Because there were probably no reasons involved, other than the fact that he is a selfish lying cunt.

Knowing that might give some peace of mind to the OP, and a bit more strength to tell him to go fuck himself, rather than wringing her hands and trying to work out what she can do to "fix it".

Yy, KayKay.

Go fuck yourself might be the only apt response here, OP.

I know you want to sort it out but that can only really happen if he wants t las well.

Why don't you send him an email and tell him it might be best if he stays where he is and not to come home for now. He will be either happy to be let off the hook and stay there or he'll have a major panic and be desperate to get back and see you to sort it out.

If he doesn't come you have your answer you can go to sols and start thinking more practically without him around to upset you.

Good Luck.

Kaykay has it exactly.

Not sure why PunyGod you feel the need to say women are just as bad as men - I really don't think they are. They are not driven by the same impulses to the same degrees - that is just biological fact. It is the same reason why some women suffer from PMT - it is hormonal.

At the end of the day those urges are difficult to reign in but some people manage it, some don't. I know it is not 100% the same but can you honestly tell me when you are caught by a hormonal rage that you don't skate over the quick thoughts about how unreasonable you might be?

And before anyone takes offence I am NOT saying all women are hormonal wrecks I am saying it can affect some people in the same way as lust grips some men in unreasonable ways - the 'haze'. Happy to listen if you want to disagree with that statement.

Rather than try to figure out what went wrong, blame herself, try to fix it, etc. I am advising the OP to be strong, start moving on immediately and leave all of this in the rearview.

Not going to derail the thread by going into detail about how I know women are just as capable of a lusty haze, FarEast.

OP, hope you're okay.

I never said they weren't PG. But I don't really see what that had to do with this thread...

It sounded like you were explaining the OP's husband's behaviour as being so bad because of his hormones.

And saying that men are capable of divorcing sex from love, and not thinking through the consequences due to these hormones.

I thought that was wrong and sexist.

But now is not the time or place. This is about the OP.

How is that sexist? At no point did I say that women were not capable of the same thing.

I am giving the male point of view and trying to make the OP see that it may not be fruitful to overanalyse things. Maybe it was just a guy who wanted to get his rocks off. So the usual thing of 'maybe it was me', etc she should not even consider - this is an attempt to be constructive.

Clearly you disagree so why would you say men stray in your infinite wisdom of you know, not being a guy.

It's immaterial what sex the cheater is, you have a choice and as an adult, whether male or female are more than capable of controlling yourself, if you love your partner, you wouldn't even have the thought.

People stray for many reasons.

Their gender is not one of them, unless we're talking social conditioning.

Cheating women get horny, feel entitled, are disrespectful, are emotionally distanced from their spouse, do whatever they think they can get away with, get bored, etc etc.

Just like men.

But how would you know, you know, with you not being a woman?

Why am I even getting drawn into this?

Sorry OP.

FarEast, go and talk to some women in real life. You have a lot to learn!

Oh my days. I never said women could not be just as affected. I am simply saying in this situation try not to overthink it - it could just be as simple as man wanting to get laid rather than something being fundamentally wrong, why can't he love her, etc.

I am actually trying to be constructive.

I happen to be in a very happy marriage and have just had a beautiful daughter - joined Mumsnet today to try and access Dadsnet - which appears to be a ghost town. Tried to be constructive on a couple of threads here and have certainly learnt a lot!

I never said I knew what women thought - I was trying to give the man's perspective. But don't worry, I shan't bother trying to help the OP since it's clear you just want to talk about women cheating instead.

"Behold a man has arrived to share his manly view".

Wow. Just wow.

Once my exh affair hit the fan and he eventually left it was amazing what came out of the woodwork.
If you think sex with an ordinary woman is bad enough just imagine when you find out he liked to go with prostitutes.

I was told in the most disgusting terms that 'he liked a bit of black"!

I once bought him a Tina turner CD for his birthday. He was not amused. Turned out it wasnt her singing that he lusted after it was her black, shapely legs! That should have been a big clue!

He was businessman working away from home once in a while. Perfect excuse.

However once I wised up I started turning the tables on him. Telling home how much I loved him yada, yada yada while I got my ducks in a row.

I wanted him to leave. I didn't want to put him out. I didn't want anything that could be misconstrued in court despite him being awful to me. So I went along with the charade. I wanted to know that I had a roof over my head. So,I never told him to leave. he was in a separate room and there was no sex.

Eventually the first girlfriend got sick of him mucking her about and went off and married someone else and it wasn't long before number two appeared the scene.

His lying cheating ways got the better of him because I believe and judges need Tobe impartial that he lied on court papers and got his come -uppance with the divorce settlement. I did very well out of it. I think one of his bar room lawyers told him to run up a load of debt that maybe I would get as I was getting the house. So, he took their excellent advice and ran up over£30,000 worth which he got stuck with!

Keep squirreling smallish amounts from the bank account and keep it in cash somewhere safe

Cash Doesnt leave a paper trail and you never know when you need something to fall back on.
My advice fwiw. Build up a war chest. I think you are going to need it.

I also went to the gum clinic and luckily was fine.

Dowser, that's so sad.

I hope you are doing okay now.

What a nasty, racist, misogynist your ex was.

Why did he do it?

Because he thought he could get away with it. Because he thought his side of the infidelity promise was optional. Because he either didn't spare a thought for you OP, or he didn't care enough about you not to do it.

None of these are good reasons. It was his choice. Now it's time for him to face the consequences.

It won't come as that much of a shock to him. After all he knew what he was risking at the time and chose to do it anyway.