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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't Know Where To Turn

28 replies

pursuinghappiness · 28/09/2014 01:36

So tonight I went to see my DP because he had texted me to tell me he couldn't take my children to school on Monday, I had then posted a Facebook message asking if anyone could help me (not mentioning he had let me down) and then when I texted him later to ask if he had a nice evening I was met with a stony silence.

I dropped in on him because he has done this before and I hate it (not let me down on childcare but he has, I suppose, disapproved of something I have done and then I get the silent treatment). I have sensed something has been wrong for a while and that he isn't happy and just wanted to talk to him.

When I popped over he was obviously not happy I had turned up but we talked and I asked him if he was happy and he said not really. He said he doesn't know what is wrong but he has had partners who he has stopped caring about and then been horrible to them and he doesn't want to be horrible to me. This says it all to me. He has stopped caring and I have forced the issue and he has admitted 'he is not that into me' (he has not actually said that but that is what it means).

He has been through a really big life changing event in the last year which I can't go in to and I have been his rock (his words), he loves me but he doesn't know what is wrong just that there is something missing.

I fully accept that I cannot change that. I can't be something I am not or change something about myself to make up for that missing piece. There is nothing i can do to make him feel differently and I have to accept that. I am. however, devastated. I thought he was 'the one', he proposed to me in the summer and we are meant to be getting married next year.

I am writing this shell shocked in many ways although, in a way, I sensed that there was something wrong. I am going to give him some space but I am now faced with the task of contacting the Register Office etc and cancelling the wedding and I just feel so sad about this being the end. I start a new job on Monday and am all over the place and just wish that, for once, life could be kind to me and my kids instead of dealing me one shitty hand after another.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 28/09/2014 09:12

Oh poor you, I'm so sorry he's pulled the rug from under your feet just before you start a new job.

I can't help feeling the timing is intentional and that you have had a lucky escape. Small comfort at the mo though. Sorry op Flowers

Original poster
pursuinghappiness · 28/09/2014 15:14

I don't know. I'm so confused. I've spent most of the day hiding my tears from the children.

OP posts:
badbaldingballerina123 · 28/09/2014 15:27

I know it hurts but I think you've had a lucky escape. Do you really want to marry someone who is already using the silent treatment on you ? It's a form of emotional abuse and not ok. It would have only gotten worse once you were married.

Original poster
pursuinghappiness · 28/09/2014 16:08

While my heart is broken I do hear you.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 28/09/2014 16:26

Life is about to become kind, isn't it? You know your instincts were right, you're not going mad and now you know the truth. New horizons opening up tomorrow (and thank God you don't spend the week telling people you've got a fiancé, only to have to explain otherwise a week later).

badbaldingballerina123 · 28/09/2014 16:38

Give it time Op. Have a good cry and be kind to yourself. It's his loss and when you meet someone else you'll be glad your not married to this sulker. There's not much demand for sulking disapproving men who can't communicate and have a history of being horrible to women.

Unless it's necessary I wouldn't have any further contact with him. There's a possibility he will come crawling back to give you a second chance for whatever crime you committed. Who behaves like this anyway ? Your well rid.

heyday · 28/09/2014 17:16

Rejection hurts. Perhaps things were sort of going ok but the enormity of a forthcoming wedding has made him face up to his feelings of just not being ready for this commitment.
This is very sad and is going to hurt but one day you will realise that finding out now was for the best.
Good luck in your new job.

Original poster
pursuinghappiness · 28/09/2014 20:00

Thank you, everything you've all said is true. Yes, there are lots of reasons why the future should be better, sulking drives me mad, say what you have to say and let go of it and, yes, it is better to know now (I've already one failed marriage behind me and really don't want another).

I guess I am sad for 'what could have been' :-(

OP posts:
heyday · 28/09/2014 21:06

Yes, you are fully entitled to feel sad about what could have been but at the same time try to feel optimistic about what really can be. Look to the future now, not back to the past.

Only1scoop · 28/09/2014 21:20

Sorry to hear you are hurting Op and just before your new job starts.

It's no consolation but at least his honesty stops you wondering whats wrong forever and a day.

Thinking of you Thanks

Original poster
pursuinghappiness · 01/10/2014 16:43

I've got to cancel the wedding plans made and I just can't face doing it. My dress will arrive soon and i've no money to pay for the rest of it, his Mum was going to buy it for me.

I feel like i'm at rock bottom. Life is rough at times.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 01/10/2014 19:55

You're not on your own, keep talking to us.

How is the job going?

Only1scoop · 01/10/2014 22:26

Op can he do some of the cancelling of stuff?

This is a horrible time for you....how did work go?

Original poster
pursuinghappiness · 02/10/2014 19:15

Yeah, work is going well, it is a welcome distraction as it's so busy and i've a lot of responsibility so that's something.

My kids are being lovely, they know I am upset to a point and are super kind to me.

I am going to email him on the weekend and say that I can't face cancelling the wedding and that he will need to contact the relevant people and cancel it and to let me know when it's done. My best friend said he should do it as this is his decision. As for the dress, I might have to pay for it and then sell it on Ebay. I'll see what he says about that.

OP posts:
Original poster
pursuinghappiness · 05/10/2014 01:08

So, basically, I sent him a message on Thursday telling him I had arranged for the kids to go on a sleepover on Saturday and invited him over. I didn't say this but if nothing else I want closure. So tonight has come and gone and he is a no show. I tried to call him and his phone actually rang so I left a message saying I was going to visit him and for him to text me if he didn't want me to. No text but his Mum was at his house looking after his dog as he has gone away for the weekend. I had written him a letter which basically says everything i've got to say and I had written a note of all the things that need cancelling which I left on his bed. His Mum had no idea he had dumped me and had even talked about going wedding outfit shopping in front of him and he never said anything.

So, the long and short of it is, I have no reason to contact him ever again. He obviously is a sandwich short of a picnic to behave so bizarrely and, yes, I have had a lucky escape but also my kids have had a lucky escape. Imagine if he lived with us!!!!

OP posts:
peasandlove · 05/10/2014 02:29

I know this isn't of much comfort right now (and probably a bit naff) but I really believe everything happens for a reason. It's devastating right now but there will be something better right around the corner. Just be strong and get through this tough time. I wish you well.

Vivacia · 05/10/2014 06:36

Your last post makes me suspect that there's another woman, because it's similar behaviour to how my ex behaved when we separated.

Absolutely no contact now sweetheart, keep your dignity. The list of cancellations that you left him, I'd be tempted to sit down and cancel as quickly as possible. Just to get it done.

lunar1 · 05/10/2014 07:01

So sorry you are going through this. Glad you found out now though.

WalkJumpClimb34 · 05/10/2014 12:38

I don't think everything happens for a reason but I do think life has some serious ups and downs. I am so sorry you are currently having a down time.

All things shall pass. It is true.

I really hope your new job turns out to be a positive force for change in your life and cheers you up. Best of luck with it all.

oldgrandmama · 05/10/2014 18:49

I am so sorry - but as others have told you, you've had a lucky escape. Life with a sulker is just appalling - been there and its utterly soul and sanity destroying. Look on it this way - you found out in time, rather than when you were married. It may not look like it now, but you've saved yourself and your children a whole load of future misery.

As Vivacia advises, no further contact. There is no need. It's his loss. As for cancelling wedding stuff, do you have a friend or relative who could give you a hand with this? Once it's all done and dusted, then ... onward and upward.

Original poster
pursuinghappiness · 05/10/2014 20:44

Not that it matters but, FWIW, I don't think he has another woman. I think he has gone up a mountain in a one man tent to eat astronaut food and contemplate the meaning of life.

There is a problem with cancelling my dress. The shop didn't stock it and so have ordered it specially for me and they won't resell it so it has to be paid for. I cannot afford to pay for it just before Xmas. I have given him the details and told him to sell it on Ebay to get most of his money back :/

But, yes, I agree about the NC. I have no reason to contact him. My letter was understanding and kind, I don't like to go to bed on an argument or end a relationship with mudslinging, it is definitely all about walking away with dignity Wink He can now stick his weirdo behaviour up his arse!

OP posts:
Momagain1 · 05/10/2014 20:56

What a useless arse! I agree you are well shot of him. Don't let him back either. This much flakiness is a lot like cheating, the sort of thing he will eventually do again.

I think you had better go ahead and get on with cancelling of things, even if all you do is print out a form letter that you address to each vendor. He is behaving so weird he might not get round to it, and you might end up liable for something.

Can your mum help? Will his mum?

Original poster
pursuinghappiness · 06/10/2014 18:37

My Mums in Spain and i'm not going to ask his Mum. I'll just send in the heavies and get my Dad and brother on the case if he doesn't pull his fingers out. He really should take some responsibility for what has happened.

God, I feel so humiliated.

OP posts:
peasandlove · 07/10/2014 08:00

Don't feel humiliated. You dodged a bullet. Better to find out he's a dog now than after you're married

Whocansay · 07/10/2014 08:20

On a practical note, I really wouldn't leave this to him to sort out. If you may be liable for wedding expenses, sort it yourself. Your ex may help you, but he may not bother if his name isn't on the invoice. You're upset now, but you'll be even more upset if you're stuck with a bill because he hasn't cancelled arrangements.

From what you've said, I think you've dodged a bullet. I hope you're OK. Flowers