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Original poster

Ex cut dd's hair off

32 replies

Thebluedog · 27/09/2014 20:32

I know in the grand scheme of things it's not important and others are having a far far worse time but I just need to rant!

I'm soooo fucking angry. My ex has taken my dd's for a hair cut a few times. Last time I asked him not to have the youngest (2.5) dd's fringe cut. She's got the loveliest, curliest bouncy hair but it has just been growing outwards in a comical way. Anyway it's finally getting some length in it and looks lovely, we even managed to tie it a back on Friday, including the fringe. She was so happy

She's just come back from a day with him and it's all been cut off inc the fringe, because of the curls it's now halfway up her forehead

I know she doesn't care at her age, and it will grow back but I could cry.. She looks like a little boy..

OP posts:

ilovelamp82 · 27/09/2014 20:36

Oh I'd be raging! My ex did this to my son. The day before he started nursery no less, so all his photos in his folder make me so sad every time I look at them.

I can imagine it would be worse on a girl, especially with curly hair.

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it now so there is no point in getting yourself worked up over it. Will he let haircutting be your responsibility?

Original poster

Thebluedog · 27/09/2014 20:40

I just sent him a text saying I will be taking them for a hair cut in the future.

I've switched my phone off now so I can't get dragged into an argument with him.

God I'm spitting feathers here

OP posts:

thisisnow · 27/09/2014 21:38

I'm angry on your behalf! She sounds so adorable too

SweetErmengarde · 27/09/2014 21:55

Disgusting when parents do stuff like this. IME can be put down to either using the DC to get at the other parent or as a display of "authority".

DS1's schoolfriend has had this exact situation with his father. His mum is beyond pissed off, quite rightly.

HumblePieMonster · 27/09/2014 22:17

I think that is terrible. He's on a power trip.

Daughter was 4 when her father and I split up. Her hair was always at risk. When he went to a hairdresser, he would take her along. Her hair was uncut from birth.

I taught her to say 'If you cut my hair without my permission, that is an assault, and I will sue you.' And she used it.

She kept her uncut hair until she was 24, I think.

To be honest, she had a fringe as a toddler and small child, but the rest was uncut, a 'waterfall' of curls, and adorable.

Longdistance · 27/09/2014 22:27

He cut it, cos he's a lazy bastard and doesn't want to maintain it.

My dh is the same. Hasn't a fucking clue about hair, and how to brush it, or tie it up. If he's taking them out, and I'm having a lie in, he'll wake me to do dds hair

Joywillcome · 27/09/2014 22:45

I can imagine just how you feel - little girls hair is somehow very precious to us mummys when they are so young.

My ex took my DD (age3) to his mothers and sent me a picture of his mum cutting her hair - I cried my eyes out (how dare she let alone him). When she came back I just asked that it doesn't happen again - because if he knew how much it upset me he would probably have done it again - or at least told me he has a right to have her hair cut ............. he's always up for an argument.

But yes OP ............... horrible. It made me cry (she also has curly hair and it was a ridiculous haircut as well)

Fiddlerontheroof · 27/09/2014 22:52

My ex 's wife ( was OW) cut my sons hair. I was not happy, and told him so...his reaction was that if it was assault, they couldn't trust themselves around the kids anymore so haven't seen them since June....Twats

crazylady321 · 27/09/2014 22:57

shocking!!! I would be beyond mortified. No advice but im with you 100%

Holliewantstobehot · 27/09/2014 23:03

What is it with exes and hair? Ex's girlfriend cut dd's hair the other month but crooked across the back! Luckily it's curly so doesn't show. Well pissed off as we were growing it and it was halfway down her back - just right for plaiting etc. Now it's shoulder length. Ds has lovely soft curly hair and ex is obsessed with it. He doesn't cut it but if i let it grow out longer than a number four it is apparently neglect!

Holdthepage · 27/09/2014 23:04

What is wrong with people that do this kind of thing? I would go ballistic if someone did this to my child. Using a small child to score points, it is beyond contempt.

Joywillcome · 27/09/2014 23:08

Yep ................' tosser control' that's what it is. Hurts even more if it's the ex's mother or even worse Hollie the OW ................gggrrrrrr

maddy68 · 27/09/2014 23:12

It's difficult isn't it? Who decides what the child's hair should be like? No answers, and I would be livid tbf, but I suppose they have as much right to cut it as you do to grow it.

Holdthepage · 27/09/2014 23:19

A child's hair should not EVER be able to be used by either parent as a weapon against the other. It really is appalling to do this.

SolidGoldBrass · 27/09/2014 23:25

OK, hair grows back. So whatever you do, don't howl and squall and wring your hands at your DC and distress them unnecessarily. Even if it is a case of spiteful XPs trying to wind you up, hair grows back and it's not the end of the world. With young children (under 5) whatever their hair looks like should be about comfort and practicality most of all, they don't care about appearance and shouldn't care.
If you have a bully for an XP then hair length might well become an issue = but if you have a bully to deal with, contact needs to be ringfenced in many ways and 'not forcing DC to have haircuts, or cutting their hair' might need to be added to the llist of prohibited behaviours.

THough, Humblepie - I hope you were prepared to allow your DD to choose for herself if she wanted her hair cut off. Really long hair on children can be inconvenient to the child - it gets in everything, it's hard to dry when it's washed, it's heavy etc. ' Never having hair cut ever' can be a bit creepy and a bit of an indicator of a controlling or abusive parent.

springydaffs · 27/09/2014 23:29

I think this is legally recognised as abuse. I take it you didn't agree to a haircut? It's not small in the scheme of things. Get some legal advice op.

Hakluyt · 27/09/2014 23:32

Why do mothers have control over hair?

Holliewantstobehot · 27/09/2014 23:32

Yes but when we were together he didn't give a shit about their hair. But now all of a sudden it's this big thing. I think he just likes to find things to moan about tbh.

ashtrayheart · 27/09/2014 23:33

Do mums get their exes permission for a haircut? My dp cut ds's hair once, i didn't ask xh first! (He was fine with it btw)

springydaffs · 27/09/2014 23:33

Oh do pack it in SGB.

TinyDancingHoofer · 27/09/2014 23:40

I don't get it. Your ex has as much right to choose your daughters haircut as you do. You want it long I don't see how that takes preference over him wanting it short. Unless your dd was kicking and screaming when it happened then I don't get why what he did was so terrible, she's a toddler, it's hair.

SolidGoldBrass · 27/09/2014 23:47

The deciding factor is how the DCs feel about it. Having a bit of a trim, if the fringe is in the eyes or the child isn't fussed about having medium-length hair cut a bit shorter really isn't a big deal. Getting a child's long hair cut short regardless of the child's wishes is a nasty, possibly abusive thing to do, especially if you are the NRP and are doing it to score points off the other parent.
Equally, though, forbidding a child to have a haircut, when the child is old enough (and I would say 6 upwards) to have and express an opinion about his/her hair, can be a nasty thing to do. If children have bodily autonomy, that extends to their hair. Long hair, really long hair, is a lot of work. It needs a lot more attention on a daily basis than short or medium length hair - if the child doesn't want the aggravation of long hair then it's up to the child to have it cut shorter.

captainproton · 27/09/2014 23:55

I can understand from other pov. DH always took DSS for his haircut on his weekends (as he used to before split with his ex). it was a little ritual of theirs. when OM decided to do a rubbish home cut on DSS, DH was livid. it was nothing to do with haircuts but pathetic power play. DH had always taken DS to barbers and thankfully things have returned to normal.

diggerdigsdogs · 28/09/2014 00:01

Huh I didn't realise that women got control over dc's hair length in a divorce.

It's hair. Forcing a hair cut on your child is wrong (unless hair is unmanageable for both parents) obviously but it's not like it's perminant.

I'm obviously on the other side of this. Sdd had YEARS of recurrent nits and very long hair. Sdd's mum never ever dealt with the nits so we had to. After years of chemicals and nit combing and the like I asked sdd if we could cut her hair to make t more manageable. She said yes. We did it. Her mum wasn't happy understatement but the nits never came back. Sdd didn't want it cut again so we didn't do it.

plentyofshoes · 28/09/2014 04:13

My friends ex did this recently to her dc who were distressed by it.
It was spoken about in the family court and the judge was not happy with her ex at all.

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