Update - 4 years after the reluctant-trouser-wearing thread...

[TrousersSchmowsers]

Don't know if anyone at all remembers this saga, the original thread ishere and I can't tell you how much it helps my resolve to have this dated record of how very long I have been miserable in my marriage for (and 2010 was just when the years of smouldering embers finally sparked... I can date it to about 2004 if I'm honest... a whole decade... yikes.)

It has been a long and tortuous process, but we are now living together as separated and the plan is that DH will be moving out after half term, when we will be telling the kids to give them a bit of non-school time to process. Trying to keep things amicable, but the amount of ineptitude and shoulder-shrugging is so wearing. Not much longer, I keep telling myself, not much longer...

Doing all right just now, but expect I will need to return here for a sanity check and a bit of support over the weeks to come.

You're another day closer to happiness and autonomy. Keep up the good work.

Thank you so much x

sitting in CAB waiting to chat about benefits entitlements. I know I shouldn't feel this way but I feel so ashamed that my life has come to this, it was never in the plan at all.

seeing my counsellor this afternoon too about being referred on to something more intensive. oh and been to work this morning for early cover.

telling eldest tonight. youngest too little to really understand so will do that in baby language tomorrow.

Gosh he's got himself a cosy billet hasn't he?

Didnt find the right time to tell his parents!

There's not a right time. Anytime is going to be bad.

Perhaps you need to take that bullby the horns yourself.

true, luckily it was done by phone this week at last.

CAB were quite astonished at my situ and went out of their way to help, it just goes to show what an extraordinary amount of crap you can sleepwalk through for years and tell yourself is okay.

yes immediate family all informed this week at last.

Interestingly at my counselling appointment this week my depression & anxiety scores had reduced a tiny bit for the first time in months!

Sorry, excuse two posts, app window messing about

Trousers I am closely behind you - please keep going - babysteps to keep going. But as someone who also lives with a PA who has drained me of all self respect and energy -- a separation will be exhausting as I will have to find the enegergy to drive everything thru

Sorry to hear that, something.

It has helped me this week to make a very short list of things that need doing each day - and to accept that I will probably need to do them myself. So one day this week it was; tell parents, notify landlord, change broadband to my name only. Be undermined during all 3 as I go, eg when I asked him to just confirm verbally to broadband supplier that he was okay to come off account, there was any amount of "oh I don't know, this is all a bit complicated, I can't remember my mobile phone number just now" etc. Next day was CAB visit, tell friends XYZ, inform DC's school so DC are cut a little slack. And so on.

It's Sunday. I have always hated Sundays because I have to spend all day with him dragging me backwards. I'd just got whole family to agree to a nice (cheap) day out today, with me driving, organising, entertaining, jollying everyone along etc. and he's just announced that his back might be a bit too sore to sit in the car (he can't drive) so he's just going to slob on the sofa and surf the internet, which totally undermines my efforts to get kids out of PJs and off Xbox.

Not. Much. Longer.

Thats great advice -- to stick to a short list of things to do each day and not get distracted, dragged back and exhausted by their tactics.

things are moving apace now. Should be living separately within a fortnight.

We are getting on so much better. It's extraordinary.

Everyone has noticed how much happier I am in the last few days. I can't believe I'm really going to be independent. The finances are getting clearer and they look okay. The kids are fine. Wow.

Thats great Trousers - well done you - it is really hard to keep moving through treacle - please keep posting.

Thanks Something. This week I seem to have broken through the treacle and hit the runny honey. Everything's gone from "how on earth do I make this work" to "oh... it looks like this is going to work."

The nicest bit of all is that me and DH (still not really sure what to call him at the mo!) are seeing each other as separate people, rather than extensions of each other, and finding that in the end we do basically like and respect one another. That's a big surprise, I spent all those years worrying that we would hate each other and how that might be for the kids. Turns out it's a massive relief for him, too, and I wonder if at some level he is glad that I was brave enough to put us both out of our misery.

Trousers how how has your week been? Interesting to see that he is relieved as well - I know my DH does not care for me but thinks he thinks he does....so maybe it is just time and standing firm that will get it done.

Trousers, the new acronym is STBXH - soon to be ex husband. I'm rooting for you! Every time his an idiot, just remember how many times youve had to suck it up but it won't be for much longer!

Trousers - I have just finished reading the book below and I am devastated that I have lived thru this or 30 years and turned into the nagging witch that is not me by trying to deal with this impossible situation.

I feel really stupid or not seeing the light until I read this book.

www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Passive-Aggressive-Man-Personality-Aggression/dp/0671870742

There is a lot available to read on line for free -

whoops meant to finish by saying you might find this book helpful - it is a deeply entrenched condition which only the PA can address once thwy are aware and motivated to do so,,,,the bottom line is get out if they don't address the issues

He blames her for creating the problem and keeps her focused on her anger rather than his own ineptitude.

Quick summary : www.angriesout.com/couples8.htm

Reading this with interest, OP. Your previous thread was food for thought, too; I've struggled to understand DP's personality/behaviour and why it has the effect it does, but it has started to make sense after reading the experience of others.

I think I'm going to have to dig deep and go it alone. I feel so defeated living in treacle-land that it's hard to see how, but I can't bear the thought of looking back at even more wasted life.

It's heartening to read that you are actually doing it!

Ah thanks for support everyone.

Things moving on slowly but surely. The "handful of jobs per day" strategy is still working really well for me. Excuse me if I don't say too much as I don't want to give too much of a blow-by-blow account and out us all!

It is hard to make a show of being determined, because I am, frankly, fucking scared of how I am going to manage on my own, and often quaking in my boots. But as my lovely best friend pointed out, I've effectively been on my own for years.

A handful of times every day I get a little patch of relief, this of a years-held strain being lifted off me. I have been singing. This weekend I took the kids swimming and I was pretending to be an electric eel to make them laugh, throwing my whole heart into it and laughing out loud, instead of just sadly going through the motions of "good mum with small fixed smile engaging in positive activity for sake of children" as I usually do.

Thank you for all the support, I am so appreciative x

SomethingToDo no beating yourself up allowed! okay?

TheBug in your own good time. For me I kept oscillating towards this point in bigger and bigger waves over several years until I reached one where enough was really, truly and completely, finally enough. And since I reached that point it is so clear to me. And I know what you mean about "no more life wasted" but I choose not to see it as a waste because I was doing my best to make a good marriage and worked damned hard at it; I am proud of that. And of course the most amazing DCs...

Littlefoot thankyou. Yes despite the new-found mutual respect there are plenty of "yep, aaaaaand that's exactly why I'm your STBXW" moments! But I just smile and nod and keep my eyes on the prize...

Gosh, well. It would appear that (apart from getting the bit of paper sorted out) I am single.

It's sad to think about what it came to in the end, and to know that all the hopes I had when I got married have been snuffed out.

I do get moments of anxiety about being the only person over 12 in the house...

...but I am already singing in the shower, going out dancing, reconnecting with friends, and enjoying family life in ways that I can't ever remember doing. I don't even mind the housework too much, because I don't resent picking up after & feeding small children - that only happens with adults. And there seems to be less to do, because there isn't someone trashing everything, there's less laundry, there's less food shopping because no-one is eating endless sandwiches.

Kids are okay, a couple of little wobbles, but okay.

Me and STBXH are getting on quite well, now that we only spend about an hour a week interacting with each other.

I am so glad that I valued my own happiness enough to make the leap.

A rather belated reply to your update, Trousers...

Pleased to hear that you did it - congratulations!

How's it going six months down the line?

I like to pop back now and let people know how it's going. Just in case there are others out there like me.

It's coming up to 9 months now and whilst there have been some challenging moments, I'm going from strength to strength. Finances are fine, I have less coming in but I am in full control so I manage it so much better that it feels safer and more comfortable. The house and garden, kids and me all look well cared for, and I don't resent taking care of things any more because I know no-one is freeloading off my hard work. I've even been able to take us on a holiday. The kids are adjusting just fine and see their Dad often.

It's brilliant.

Thanks for checking back TheBug