Strange crush on unavailable work colleague. Thoughts please

[confusedldn]

I have recently started developing an inappropriate crush on a work colleague. I'm finding it really weird and I just want it to go away.

To give some background about me, I am 27 and was in a LTR for 3 years. That relationship ended in June and it was a real shock. I was left feeling confused with no closure because my ex just ended it and didn't want to discuss it. One moment things were fine, the next he was gone. We have been NC since and I have been single for 3 months. I've tried dating other people but can't seem to feel anything for them. My colleague is the first person I've felt anything for in ages.

The thing is, he's off limits and I feel so bad for even having feelings about him. He is engaged to a female colleague that I used to work closely with last year. She has recently been promoted within the company so we don't often see her any more. She is not very well liked in our workplace as she has been quite rude to a lot of people, but I don't mind her as I know what she's like and I don't take it personally. They are an odd couple though because they are so different; she dominates him a bit and lots of my other colleagues think he only got the position he did because he was with her. He is very 'scatty' and struggles in the role, so perhaps that is partly true. I often have to remind him of important things.
He is early 30s, funny and kind and we work closely because we are in a high pressured job and he is my team leader. We often end up working long hours together.

I don't know what it is about him but I've started really liking him over the last few weeks and now I can't stop thinking about him. I haven't shown any sign of this to him and would be mortified if he found out.

We talk quite often and he asks me about how my weekends/evenings were and he tells me about things in his life (usually jokey things but occasionally more serious things like worry over his mortgage etc.) I get on so well with him and he's always laughing at things I say and I notice little things, like him making intense eye contact with me and coming into my room at the end of the day a lot. I look forward to seeing him and although I used to dislike my job due to the pressure, he makes it a bit more bearable. I don't know what he thinks about me; I'm assuming this is all one way and I'm being stupid.

To be clear, I don't want anything to happen because it would be disastrous and ruin things for him and me. I just can't stop thinking about him and I wish I had someone else I could focus my attention on. Someone who was available and made me feel the same way as I do about him :(

Has anyone experienced anything like this or can shed light on why I might have suddenly developed this crush from nowhere? I think my feelings have gone crazy at the moment. I never looked at him twice until he became my team leader and it's all very odd.

You work closely with him in a high pressured job and he's not a complete dick. Developing a crush on him despite his unavailability is perfectly normal.

It's why so many mums fancy Mr Bloom, it's because he's there, day in and day out.

It's probably your minds way of telling you that you are ready to get your feet wet again relationship wise, maybe think about OLD?

It's quite normal to develop crushes on people you work closely with.

I would just have a laugh and not worry about it too much.

If it looks as if he likes you back, then that's a different problem...

This indicates to me that you are finally detaching from your previous relationship. Focussing on someone who is right in front of you and has been for a while isn't that unusual or strange. It's OK to have a crush, you can't help that but it's what you decide to do about it that matters. Once you have someone else in your life who is attractive to you and available this person is going to recede into the background again. it's possible that at some point in the future you'll look back and wonder what you saw in him. I know I did.

it's possible that at some point in the future you'll look back and wonder what you saw in him.

Exactly, it's a kind of cabin fever. That's why I wouldn't give it too much weight or overanalyse it. A little crush helps you get through the working day, it's not that important.

The only thing that I would be very wary of is this: on the one hand you say you would be horrified if he found out, that you want this crush to go away, that you are embarressed by it, that he's completely off limits....I believe all this is true.

However......then you say that he makes intense eye contact with you and comes into your room at the end of the day a lot. This is dangerous thinking. These things mean nothing. He comes into your room at the end of a day cos he gets on well with you. He laughs at your jokes cos he gets on well with you. As for the "intense" eye contact? Sorry, but he probably has a direct gaze with pretty much everyone. And he has no reason to be shift eyed cos, yep, he gets on well with you.

Also a red flag is your discussion of his relationship. This is, or should be, irrelevant to your main point "I have a crush and I want it gone". You are already (possibly subconsciously) portraying him as someone who has been carried along by a much stronger personality. Danger! Danger!

I agree with the points everyone else is making.

First off, the ex leaving like that has got to have been an issue for you. It takes time to process stuff like that.

The fact that this chap is un available but also kind and likes you is maybe a healing thing? A safe thing for you? And that's nice. While you get your head around what happened a very short time ago.

I also feel that maybe his fiancée is not right for him and you would be a better fit. You are both young and it is not inconceivable. However to start it as an affair would taint it forever so you must be very careful.

My advice would be to work very hard on yourself. Maybe do some thinking and writing on how the sudden abandonment made you feel and affected you. I do even now feel that three months would be too soon to really know. Like an iceberg you are sailing away from, it will take time to sail far enough away to really see it as a whole.

So it's too soon to date, especially him, as he might be a good one you wouldn't want to ruin.

So do some work.

And when with him, try to be your same self, funny etc and chatty, but really do watch the boundaries so that nothing takes place that you would later be ashamed of or might spoil your relationship if you did get together. I mean any affair type behaviour. Absolutely not.
X

Thank for the replies so far.

I seem to go through cycles when thinking of my ex. Sometimes I think about him a lot, once I even dreamt about him. Thinking about my work colleague takes that away. When I'm focused on him, I never think of my ex.

But I don't like the feeling of obsessing over people. I feel pathetic. It's like I can't get him out of my mind and I think of conversations we've had and things he's said. I want to know everything about him and I listen to whatever he tells me and remember it. I used to be wary of him because at first, he was very aloof. That's changed recently though and he's actually a nice person to be with.

Poster above me has said what I forgot to say, namely that the way the op has spoken about his fiancée suggests she is biased against her. I did get that but equally the rest of the post was so balanced I wondered if she is actually quite a balanced person and therefore I can take her assessment of the fiancée at face value too.

In my experience fancying someone in a higher position is appealing - would you like him so much if he was the cleaner not elevating him as anyone special in your mind might help.

I think you are likely to be experiencing some kind of post traumatic stress and developing an attachment on someone non threatening and kind. Your ex's behaviour in the way he ended things was very brutal and I'm sorry you've experienced that. Don't worry about your feelings they're normal.

Hi again,

Re the work colleague taking away painful thoughts about the ex, well that is avoidance of pain.

If there's one thing I've learnt in life, it is that there is pain sometimes, and we must not try to avoid it because it will simply wait. If you live life as it comes, admitting when you are in pain and attending to that pain, then it will come and go simply.

I think that may be the key, as well as watching yourself around this man at the same time.

Sorry to hear you are in such distress tho, it's not nice is it xxx

What Annarose said! You've given a lot of detail about their relationship and it sounds like a justification for, essentially, why you think he might be better off without her. Honestly you know nothing about their relationship. And it's none of your business.

3 months isn't long. You have someone to focus on instead- yourself! Do you feel like you've started enjoying single life yet? Get all you can out of it. In a few months (or longer) maybe you'll be bored of it (I understand some people dont really enjoy being single as much as others) and then maybe considering something/one. Someone available! Life can be simple if we make it so.

OLD might be a good idea for a bit of fun and distraction if you have the resilience. Obviously be honest with folks about where you're coming from (I.e. I assume you dont want to dive from one ltr to another).

Cross posted with the last 2 posters. Yes I think you're right. I shouldn't be reading into little things and I feel bad for that.

I'm trying to focus on myself. I've recently started exercising more, eating healthily and I feel better for it. It's making me slowly forget the break up but it's taking time.

I don't want an affair and I will be careful. That's actually the last thing I want. It would be awful. If he was single it would be different but he is engaged and I do respect that. Sometimes I feel sorry for him because his life seems difficult. I know from first hand experience how his fiancée can be difficult and the way he spoke about his mortgage conveys to me that he feels trapped at times. But I haven't commented because it's none of my business.

I just hate feeling so messed up and confused. I wish I had a clear, sensible view and could move on from the last few months like they never happened.

Oh and fwiw I've had lots of weird crushes at work from the unavailable and honestly quite gross manager to the new girl who was really just very very annoying. I think my brain must just enjoy playing mean tricks on me, or be bored of working and being stressed so start slipping in strange/disturbing fantasies. I dont really get it now that I only work p/t because I'm less stressed and in less so these people are a little less familiar and I'm less dependent on them for support. I would be surprised if most people dont get a weird work crush now and again.

Danger!! Step away!!

You are ready for new relationship. Maybe you are testing flirting etc out on this man who is 'safe' because he's attached. But you are clearly kind of wanting something to happen despite saying you're not.

I had a mad crush on a colleague. All very similar. I met someone new and am now completely mortified that I used to like my colleague. I'm SO relieved that I never let on.

It's probably due to his proximity to you every day, coupled with his 'scattiness' and needing to be helped (some women like that or at least respond to it) and the fact that you're recovering from the loss of your own relationship. You're possibly making comparisons there but it's not helpful.

One thing that niggled me is what you say about his fiancé. There's a lot of unnecessary information there about how the team gets on with her and how you 'don't mind her because it's not personal'. It's almost like you're setting the scene for 'permission' because she's not a likeable person.

Be careful there and don't let the gazing become any more than that. Be professional and you won't go wrong.

... and I'm staggered that mums fancy 'Mr Bloom'!! ... who knew? <img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Shock" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/shock-7MJQdU1X.png">

It wouldn't be a particularly good idea to pursue even if he were available. He's your team leader. You work together. Messy. No thanks!

You fancy him because he's 'safe'. It won't seem safe to do so in your eyes but itching what you're doing is rehearsing romantic feelings with a new person because it can't go anywhere.

I'm the master of unrequited love. I spent virtually all of my 20's in love with my best friend (we did sleep together too though which was confusing!). I was such a knob. He told me over and over that we had no future together. Somehow, it was safer being in love with him and it never going anywhere than trying to date new people. In my social life at the time nearly all my friends were gay too and I hung out in the gay scene. Looking back on it think this was protection too. I think I was just too scared of being hurt - ironically.

When my unrequited love started going out with other girls seriously, I told myself it wouldn't last and they were horrible women etc. It's natural.

Grit your teeth, stay strong. Say to yourself "ok,I've got a crush. It'll pass" and it will. Please don't convince yourself that his fiancé is horrible and they're not suited. That way madness lies.

Force yourself to go on a few dates. Get some attention from new men, even if they're not 'the one'. It'll break your mind set.

I don't know where 'itching' came from in that answer!?

This exact thing happened to me, but helpfully it happened literally 24 hours after I had left my husband because he would never want children - I looked at my new boss who I had previously registered as good-looking, and felt an extraordinary, extreme attraction to him - a happily married man with children. It was SO obvious what was going on that it helped me ignore it. It was a very strong feeling and it lasted a few months unfortunately, but the only 'reality' it represented was that I was very unhappy and dealing with a very traumatic change in my life.

Be very kind to yourself and consider whether in fact you are depressed (I became so after it ended - it was a kind of antidepressant in itself). The 'crush' and the man are not relevant. You are.

Thanks. I could be depressed, I suppose. I hated my job before this and dreaded going in every day. I still do some days. I find it hard to get up in the mornings and I'm always tired and lethargic.

The theory that this man is 'safe' is interesting. I was very hurt by my ex because this was someone I'd imagined a future with and it went spectacularly wrong with little warning. Perhaps I do like my colleague because I know it will never go anywhere and I won't get hurt. He is kind and seems interested in me as a person, which is refreshing. Towards the end, my ex was cold and uncommunicative.

I don't mean to say bad things about his fiancée and there are good points about her. I admire her in some ways, even if I am a little wary of her. She is successful and career minded and I was happy for them when they got engaged. That's why I feel guilty about the feelings.

You don't have to feel guilty about your feelings. You do have to realise that they don't represent the start of a relationship, but a response to what's going on in your own life.

Sounds like you need to talk to your doctor (I don't mean hop onto antidepressants, but have a chat with them). I'd also consider changing job. The trigger for my feeling fading away was my boss leaving to get another job so that he wasn't around all the time. I don't know how long it would all have lasted if he'd still been around.

When I was in an unhappy relationship a number of year back, i developed a crush on my partner's colleague. It passed but by golly, it was tough. I later developed a crush (while single) on another guy, which lasted 4 years and made me quite ill. In my experience, crushes tend to happen when I'm very unhappy or when there's some sort of want in me. I'm now terminally single and I haven't had a crush since that last bad one, thank goodness. I hope i never feel that way about a man ever again. i think you just have to let the crush take its course, hope it won't be a long one and sit it out. Don't confide in the guy you're crushing on, probably won't help things.