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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotional Abuse/Bullying Behaviour from Partner

47 replies

cluckymare · 26/09/2014 20:25

Following on from another topic on here at the moment.

If your partner is consistently nasty and rude to your friends and family, to the extent you dread being around them when you're with him (because you never know what rude or ill mannered comment he will come out with next) and you are constantly making excuses for his ignorant behaviour, is that a form of emotional abuse?

My partner does this all the time and whenever I try to point out to him that how he treats them is wrong, he will either start shouting at me or he will point blank deny that he's doing it Shock
He will even try and make out I'm the one causing him to be like it.

This has been going on for years and I'm sick of it. I daren't have any friends, or family round, as I am on tenterhooks the whole time as everybody has to tread so carefully around him!
So I would appreciate ANY tips on how to approach him, as nothing I've tried so far seems to work.

I know some would say LTB, but he's ok in most other areas! (but I'm not sure I want to spend the rest of my life not seeing my family or friends, or trying to keep the peace when they ARE around Sad

I really wish I could sort it out.

(I've thought about being nasty in front of his friends, to shock him into seeing how wrong it is, but I can't bring myself to do it) I don't think it would work anyway as he is quite thick-skinned.

Any advice on the best way to deal with somebody like this? I don't seem to be able to get through to him how stressed it makes me feel.

Anybody else have a partner like this? Ex or Present?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 26/09/2014 20:38

He isn't going to change. Why should he?

Do you have children? Could you survive financially?

Or are you prepared to live like this for the rest of your life?

CocktailQueen · 26/09/2014 20:42

No, and if I did he would be an ex sharpish...

What's he like with his own friends? Does he have any?

Not sure what to suggest if he pretends not to know he's doing it, then shouts at you. Call him on it every time he says something rude? See your friends and family by yourself and leave him at home?

Do you have dc?

Original poster
cluckymare · 26/09/2014 20:49

Financially things would be a struggle. He has always been a bit controlling with money.
When I first met him I saw what I now recognize as being controlling, as him being very generous with money Hmm, and gradually over the years let myself get sucked into letting him control the finances and make a lot (not all) of the major financial decisions.
So yes, I'm ashamed to say, on my own I would be a fish out of water.
I'm not proud of myself for letting him take over financially Sad and wish I hadn't now. But it just gradually seemed to happen.
We have one child who is in last year at school.

OP posts:
Original poster
cluckymare · 26/09/2014 20:53

See your friends and family by yourself and leave him at home?

I try to do this as much as possible. But it's impossible when there are birthdays and other events where it's necessary for everybody to be together .
Christmas is something I dread every year. I used to love it.

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 26/09/2014 20:57

I don't think arrogance is emotional abuse, but shouting at you when you dare to raise this issue, well yes, that is abusive.

Original poster
cluckymare · 26/09/2014 21:22

Any other ideas? Confused
I suppose I'm hoping someone will wave a magic wand and come up with a brilliant idea.
I know that's not going to happen
But there must be something I can say/do to get through to him.

OP posts:
Larrytheleprechaun · 26/09/2014 21:25

This is exactly the way I live. No advice though Sad

Original poster
cluckymare · 26/09/2014 21:34

It's depressing.

People seem to have more advice when people say their partner is cheating! Confused

OP posts:
CocktailQueen · 26/09/2014 21:39

Well. Ask him to leave. Then see how much happier you are. What are his good points?

colafrosties · 26/09/2014 21:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mineofuselessinformation · 26/09/2014 22:01

Sorry, but I have to say it anyway...
LTB.

Original poster
cluckymare · 26/09/2014 22:10

This is exactly the way I live. No advice though

Larry the Leprechaun, has he always been like it?
Or did it gradually get worse?

Sometimes I wonder if he only became like it because of me? I don't think he was like it before he met me Hmm Maybe I bring out the worst in him. Shock

OP posts:
Monny · 26/09/2014 22:11

That sounds so very similar to my husband's tactics - denial, anger or my fault. I have also been putting up with his behaviour for 18 years, hoping for magic and it only got a whole heap worse. I'm sorry to say that if he's not improved in 10 years, it's just not going to change. Also, if he's putting you off enjoying being with friends and family, he could be attempting to isolate you. Wishing you all the best with this. If I could wind back my clock, I would have LTB pronto.

whatdoesittake48 · 26/09/2014 22:15

Dont avoid your friends and family. That is he wants. And don't apologise or make excuses for his behaviour. Ask your family to not let it slide when he does it and to back you up when you point out his rudeness.
You need to point it out when it happens and when your family are still there. He will deny it later.
Only in this way will you make it clear how unacceptable this is. But don't expect him to stop because it will likely get worse. But at least you will have some self respect and your family will know that you ate sticking up for them.

Original poster
cluckymare · 26/09/2014 22:18

If I could wind back my clock, I would have LTB pronto

Mooney, This is my worry. Have I left it too late?
When young people are going through a similar situation people will say to them ''you're still young enough to start over! Make the break''
And they are right to a certain extent. The younger person has time to get a whole new career, retrain in something and get a good job, they are still young and attractive enough to have sucess on the dating scene as well.

And if their children are younger as well, there seems to be all sorts of help, such as refuges, housing help etc.

But I don't think much help is given to women who are a bit older and who's children are about to fly the nest. I could be wrong.

And I'm only mid 40's, but still, the clock is ticking.

OP posts:
Original poster
cluckymare · 26/09/2014 22:23

whatdoesittake,
I tried that once, (tackling it as it happened) and he ended up shouting at my friends and storming off. Then he didn't speak to anybody for a week.
I was mortified.

I think he knows that I'm the type that hates making a 'scene' so he's safe.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 26/09/2014 22:24

Sometimes I wonder if he only became like it because of me?

?

Why, have you got family and friends that deserve the abuse he throws at them?

What sort of things does he do?

SolidGoldBrass · 26/09/2014 22:25

It's never too late to get rid of a shitbag man. Why not see a solicitor or have a chat with Women's Aid about where you would stand financially if you end this crap relationship.
In the meantime, you could maybe talk to your family and friends and let them know you are aware of your P's bad manners, and that they should all feel completely free to call him on it every time he says something offensive. IN fact, they could generally take the piss out of him every time they meet him ' 'Oh, it's mr No Manners again.' And see how he likes it.

Original poster
cluckymare · 26/09/2014 22:28

Funky, I've never looked at it from that point of view.

I suppose in some strange way I am trying to protect them. But if he's ill-mannered towards them--it hurts them (and me), and if I DO manage to keep the peace, itstill hurts them, because nobody can relax when he's around. So either way, nobody wins really. Only him.

OP posts:
Original poster
cluckymare · 26/09/2014 22:33

In the meantime, you could maybe talk to your family and friends and let them know you are aware of your P's bad manners, and that they should all feel completely free to call him on it every time he says something offensive.

I'm reluctant to do that, even though I think it could have a positive effect, eventually.
But the thing is, I know that everybody notices, but I pretend to myself that they don't, if that makes sense.
I hate the thought of everybody feeling sorry for me.
It's embarrassing.

OP posts:
Monny · 26/09/2014 22:34

cluckymare - I am not quite 40 and my OH has left me feeling like it's too late for too long. I don't know if it really is, but if I stay where I am any longer I may as well climb in to a coffin and hibernate there for the rest of my life. If When I find a way to go, it's not going to be easy with a tiny salary and two kids, but I will have a chance and if it ever happens to my daughter, she will see that she can leave too. Who knows, maybe a stable life will lead to a new tack and I might even start my own business.

I'm going to visit the CAB, why don't you too? It's free advice and it can't hurt to have a bit of knowledge. Good luck with whatever you decide > have an e-HUG.

Original poster
cluckymare · 26/09/2014 22:44

Thankyou.

OP posts:
winzip · 26/09/2014 22:48

This was exactly what my ex was like. He'd be really rude to my friends, to the point where they asked me not to bring him along. If I made arrangements without him he'd get angry and say I didn't want him to meet them. When I said it was because he behaved like a dick, he turned it around and said it was my friends who were the dicks, why should he have to be on his best behavior etc. In the end it was easier not to see friends, which was exactly what he wanted because he said he should be enough for me and all those people were draining me.

I got rid of him.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/09/2014 22:53

My personal take on emotional abuse is that it is a sustained pattern of behaviour designed to manipulate, browbeat, pressurise or frighten another person with the objective of exerting control. You are probably a victim of emotional abuse if you are distressed, doubting yourself, lacking confidence, made to feel stupid ... that kind of thing

What you're describing is manipulation. It is a common tactic of emotionally abusive people to want to monopolise their victim's time & attention. Alienating friends and family with offensive behaviour - can range from blanking them and making them feel awkward to downright aggression - is a pretty standard technique.

Your reaction... wanting to pretend they haven't noticed... is denial. You know that if you publicly acknowledge this person is an ignorant pig, your reasons for staying married to them instantly get much weaker. You'd be obliged to do something.

Original poster
cluckymare · 26/09/2014 22:58

Your reaction... wanting to pretend they haven't noticed... is denial. You know that if you publicly acknowledge this person is an ignorant pig, your reasons for staying married to them instantly get much weaker. You'd be obliged to do something.

You are right. It would force the issue and I would have to do something about it and have to make some frightening decisions.
(It's easier to hide behind everything Blush)

OP posts: