Emotional Abuse/Bullying Behaviour from Partner

[cluckymare]

Following on from another topic on here at the moment.

If your partner is consistently nasty and rude to your friends and family, to the extent you dread being around them when you're with him (because you never know what rude or ill mannered comment he will come out with next) and you are constantly making excuses for his ignorant behaviour, is that a form of emotional abuse?

My partner does this all the time and whenever I try to point out to him that how he treats them is wrong, he will either start shouting at me or he will point blank deny that he's doing it
He will even try and make out I'm the one causing him to be like it.

This has been going on for years and I'm sick of it. I daren't have any friends, or family round, as I am on tenterhooks the whole time as everybody has to tread so carefully around him!
So I would appreciate ANY tips on how to approach him, as nothing I've tried so far seems to work.

I know some would say LTB, but he's ok in most other areas! (but I'm not sure I want to spend the rest of my life not seeing my family or friends, or trying to keep the peace when they ARE around

I really wish I could sort it out.

(I've thought about being nasty in front of his friends, to shock him into seeing how wrong it is, but I can't bring myself to do it) I don't think it would work anyway as he is quite thick-skinned.

Any advice on the best way to deal with somebody like this? I don't seem to be able to get through to him how stressed it makes me feel.

Anybody else have a partner like this? Ex or Present?

Does that mean I'm 'enabling' him?

Putting fuel on the fire.

Thanks Cogito, I felt as if I was seeing something clearly there for a minute. I'm not sure what exactly, but I feel as if I'm really seeing a few things in a different light if nothing else.

I think I'm being instrumental in my own emotional abuse? (don't know where that came from

You asked how to deal with someone like this. Given that the effect they are going for is to have you on the back foot, upset and therefore controllable.... you have to do everything possible in the short-term to show that you are NOT bothered by their behaviour. Be assertive, challenge the bad attitude, stop pretending, and don't give them the satisfaction of knowing they've had any effect.

OR....

Reject the behaviour completely.

There aren't any half-measures when it comes to bullies.

'Enabling'.... would be to collude with his behaviour, pretend it wasn't happening, defending him to others, and generally taking a passive 'anything for a quiet life' approach. It doesn't mean you are responsible for the abuse.... it's his choice to behave this way .... but bullies are usually very cowardly and, if left unchallenged, will add 'contempt' for their victim on top of everything else.

you have to do everything possible in the short-term to show that you are NOT bothered by their behaviour. Be assertive, challenge the bad attitude, stop pretending, and don't give them the satisfaction of knowing they've had any effect.

I'm confused. If I show that I'm not bothered by their behaviour, but then challenge the attitude - isn't that showing (the challenging their attitude bit), that I AM bothered by the behaviour?
Isn't that a contradiciton?
Or am I looking at it the wrong way (doesn't take much this time of night :))

Not a contradiction at all. Think of a teacher keeping control of a class of children. The teacher will be assertive, uncompromising and will challenge on bad attitude and poor behaviour. What they don't do is tell the children that they are feeling upset or hurt by the behaviour. They don't make it personal....

In short, you tell the miserable bugger to straighten his face or pack his bags .... you don't tell him that his behaviour is stressing you out.

That makes sense. Keep my feelings out of it. Because hurting my feelings is the result he's after! Brilliant! Thanks Cogito.

(Are you sure you're not a psychiatrist in disguise?)

I'm off to bed now (alone, he's sulking what a surprise) but, I feel a bit happier just getting this all down and have had some really sound advice!
Thanks again.

I am not a psychiatrist in disguise :) I've had a lot of experience with bullies, unfortunately, and they are rarely original. Sulking is definitely another classic and you deal with it by not acknowledging it. Get on with your life in a breezy manner and leave the sulker to waste their own time. It's a sort of 'who blinks first' contest... power battle.

LTB advice is the simplest solution. If I'd posted on here, I'd have got the same advice. Long marriage here, firmly believing in the "for better, for worse" part of the pledge. Similar age to you.

I'm being divorced currently by a very arrogant man. It's shit but actually I can see the light at the end of the tunnel - I want to be free of him now. Yes, I'll be a lot poorer because of him fucking off - but I won't be poor. I'm really okay about that. It's taken a few months for me to accept that freedom really is priceless.

So, yes you can choose to LTB or to stay. So can he.

He has the choice too. How does that change your thinking of the situation?

And, I'll say again, given I'm having a hilarious divorce (!), you have absolutely no idea of what that means for you financially until you speak to a solicitor. The reality of divorce has to be experienced for you to believe. It ain't all bad news, although the process is very unpleasant. It's not quite as bad as you fear it will be. But the choice is always yours.

Arrogant men forget you have choices.

Wellwhoknew, HE could leave me, I don't know why he doesn't. (I wish he would) I think it's more rewarding for him to stick around and create a toxic atmosphere. I'm going to get on with my day, which is difficult when his presence is like a black cloud over everything.

Good luck wellwhoknew. You have a LOT of guts and I think you will end up being happy, contented and more importantly, Your OWN person!
I hope one day to be able to have the same courage to make a decision and stick to it.x

Massive twat. I bet he doesn't speak to his own friends like that. He's trying to cut you off from your support network by alienating your family and friends and manipulating you into not seeing them.

God knows what he will do to you once he's removed these "threats".

Don't fall for it. A decent partner would support you in cultivating people you want around you. He deliberately fucks these relationships up in order to facilitate abuse. Kick him out.

"Wellwhoknew, HE could leave me, I don't know why he doesn't. (I wish he would) I think it's more rewarding for him to stick around and create a toxic atmosphere".

And that is exactly why he stays and he knows that you are not strong enough (currently) to leave. He does not think you'll ever go; he likes having all this power and control over you and such abusive men do not let go of their victims easily.

Abuse is often insidious in its onset and creeps up on people. His tactics also to isolate you are typical of such abusive controlling men as well. They are not nasty all the time but the nice /nasty cycle of abuse is a continuous one.

Prove him wrong and leave him. There is nothing you can do or say to get through to him; speaking to him therefore is a wasted effort. One or both his parents were likely the same; such behaviours are often learnt from childhood and are deeply rooted.

Hi OP,

You write " HE could leave me, I don't know why he doesn't. (I wish he would)". Why leave it up to him? You are the one who is suffering constant humiliation and disrespect.

As others have said, he is deliberately trying to alienate you from your family and friends, and to erode your self-confidence. Why would you want to be with someone who treats you like that?

Why don't you tell him that you have had enough, and that if it happens again, the relationship will be over? What do you have to lose? Please don't feel you have to put up with this treatment for the rest of your days.

Good luck!

X-post!

I saw this on the other EA topic,
by Orange Speaker.
It's an interesting point of view:

It ties in with somebody else's advice about how you should 'carry on with your life' and not reward (react to) the abuser's words.

The cause of the emotional pain in the victim is actually the victim, the person receiving the abuse. What the victim doesn't notice is the stories within their own mind which create the pain.

If someone insults you and puts you down then unless you already have a belief which is similar, you won't be affected. If you don't believe that you are a horrible, useless person then it doesn't matter what someone says to you, you will be unaffected. If however, you already have core beliefs/stories that say how horrible and stupid you are then the abusers words will be taken as complete and utter truth. You will then experience a very strong negative emotion. This negative emotion is your body's way of communicating that something you have believed about yourself is untrue.

It is possible, but quite challenging, to use your negative emotions and trace their origins back to your core beliefs. If you have will to do so you can then dissolve your core beliefs and at that point you will integrate any suppressed emotions and will no longer react to an abusers harsh words. In fact you can even begin to view them from a completely different perspective. One with love and not hatred. When this happens the abuser's actions and words towards you change completely.

Emotions are always created by the person experiencing them and no one else. If you believe otherwise then you have lost all your power.

But it sounds tough and would likely take professional help to achieve it

Much easier to just LT emotionally manipulative, joy-killing B

It would be tough if you solely took that self-flagellating, internalised approach.

OR....

.... you could decide not to have around you the type of person who knows your weaknesses, failings and foibles and exploits them in order to keep you under control!!! No-one is perfect. We all have hang-ups, anxieties and insecurities. A loving and kind partner admires your strengths and thinks you are marvellous in spite of your weaknesses. A good relationship makes us better people.

Don't waste your life with people that see the chinks in your armour and stick the knife in.

Tried the whole I'm going to go ahead and not react to crazy bullying - H just amped up the controlling behaviour, amped up the shittiness, I could never 'just do my own thing' thats not what he wanted. It might work for some - but really, i tried and it did not work. You need to really think 'what do I want for me and my children"
I know some would say LTB, but he's ok in most other areas!
If you're honestly happy with 'ok' (and it doesn't sound like you are) than carry on hoping it'll get better as you become more isolated and more occupied my treading on eggshells. It is massively scary - and I know. Ive just moved myself and 3 children into a 3 bedroom flat, living on benefits but at least I'm safe (emotionally) and at peace, worried about a million things but am living my own honest life.

Take care x

And btw keeping you isolated from friends and family is what he wants

He's just gone to bed. Day 2 of No Talking to Me.

Tomorrow should be fun. We have visitors

Two days. Wow ... he's really determined to make you back down, isn't he? Visitors are no problem. If he carries on with the silent treatment, take the piss. 'Hello visitors. Ignore the silent lump in the corner. Haven't worked out if Dave's joined an order of Trappist monks or he's just having a tantrum.... LOL!'