Could do with some advice from the relationship ladies

[RedJeans]

Hello, I'm afraid this post may have some triggers for people who have been victims of DV, just as a warning. I would really appreciate some advice though from anyone who has experience of this situation, if you feel up to it.

I'm a primary school teacher and one of the mothers of a child in my class regularly has bruises on her face and neck when she picks and drops off at school. She has also in the past had more serious injuries. The child's home situation has been flagged as a cause for concern for the last couple of years at school and social services are involved.

Whilst I'm aware that legally I need only report any injuries I see or anything that the child says to me, the woman has no friends or family and I am often the only person she speaks to in the day, even if just for a minute at the classroom door. I'm really starting to feel as though I should offer some sort of assistance or advice to her, or even just the offer of a chat about something other than her child (who has a wide range of behavioural issues, likely stemming from what he has seen at home). I just feel so sorry for her and want to offer some support in some way, but don't know how!

In the past she has opened up to another of the teachers at school and acknowledged the DV but in the main it is not mentioned, even when discussing her child's violent behaviour.

What I'd like to know is whether you think it's my place to mention it, or to offer advice, or whether I should just wait and see if she talks to me in time. Obviously it is still quite early in the school year, but she turned up today with a fresh set of bruises and I feel quite worried about her .

TIA

You can still report to Children's Services. In fact, you are now legally bound to as part of your professional code of conduct.

Any child living in a home where DV is committed is also a victim of abuse.

I don't think it will help to try and engage with her, it will muddy the waters.

You are in a professional position, and it is your duty to tell the relevenat authorities.

Speak to your DSP and take their advice. If you're not happy with their advice, you can contact the SW anyway and make a referral anyway. If SS are involved, you already know what to do.

Don't 'chat' with her. She needs proper professional help, not someone behaving unprofessionally.

On what level are the LA involved? Because, given what you've said, I'm surprised that the SW hasn't made it clear that the children could be removed from her care if he continues living there.

The bottom line is, you've done your safeguarding training. You know that the answer is to pass it on, not try to deal with it yourself.

The other thing is, that she is currently in a very vulnerable position, both in terms of the abuse and the isolation. It won't be doing her any favours to forge some kind of 'fake' friendship. You won't be able to take it any further (e.g. meet up with her outside school for coffee) and it would blur boundaries for both of you.

You are not in a position to meet her needs on a personal level, only a professional one. Which is why you have responsibility to notify someone.

Everything is reported officially via incident report forms that are passed onto the relevant authorities via the head and the SENCO. Obviously I know that I cannot give professional help in any way, I just wondered if there was anything I could say that would be helpful.

I'm new to the school, and as far as I'm aware she does not engage with SS and acts as if there is not a problem. I only wondered if I could do anything because she doesn't speak to or see anyone else through the day, so I feel as though I should at least try to give her a hand or a kind word, I don't want to be cold with her.

The school is part of a very close community and plenty of the teachers are friends and neighbours of the parents, or have their own children at the school, so it certainly wouldn't be considered inappropriate at all here to be friends with her. But I appreciate what you're saying FolkGirl about professional boundaries, I'm really not in the right position to be that helpful.

Have you completed an incident report form after witnessing the fresh round of bruises ?

Yes, straight away, filed in incident folder and copy given to head teacher.

OK

That is the end of your responsibility.

The thing is, I'm friends with a couple of teachers at my daughter's school. But only because I've met them outside of school in a social capacity. That they teach her is a coincidence.

However, it would be inappropriate (and would likely be viewed as such) for you to form a friendship with her in her current situation. The power dynamic would be all wrong. For example, if she made demands of you that you felt unable to fulfill, how would you deal with it if you didn't have the protection of professional boundaries? If you 'lost interest' (for want of a better expression, but I hope you know what I mean) if you changed job? or got a more demanding role? Or her child was no longer in your class? Or she moved school? Or your own personal circumstances changed? You could end up feeling obliged to continue a relationship when you no longer wanted to do so because you didn't know how to extricate yourself from it, and shouldn't have been in it in the first place.

I understand how you feel about it, and I understand the desire to reach out and help someone in an awful situation. I really do. But those professional boundaries are there for a reason and we can't ignore them.

ooh looks like AF is a teacher ?

sorry AF that wasn't meant to be snide- just that you seem to know the ropes so assumed a school gov or teacher, to offer good advice.

No, I'm not a teacher, pink

will keep guessing then ( in my own head...)

I think teachers are fab, and have a very difficult job though.

Do you have a family support worker attached to chool that you could refer her to?

OP, you have a school nurse assigned to your institution. Speak to her and see if, she hasn't already, can suggest any community support such as HomeStart.

Thank you FolkGirl, you make a lot of good points, given me a lot of food for thought!

AF don't think there's a family support officer but will give the nurse a go, thank you.

Good luck, and I hope this family can be helped.

OP - Rather than speak to her directly, could you log a call (even annon) with women's aid?

I'm kind of disgusted that even though social services are involved, the child (and mother, obviously) are still in that environment. Social services should be removing the child. Hopefully that would give her the impetus to leave, but even if not, at least the child would be in safer hands.

Well, either that or could pray that her piece of shit husband gets run over by a bus.

You could do both in fact.

I have recently had the huge mis fortune to have an insight into the world of DV and it is a hugely complex issue.
This lady may be phoning the police, or others may be doing it on her behalf, or she may make up stories as to how she sustained the injuries ie 'walked into a cupboard door' etc or may refuse to press charges. This can make it very tough for police to take action against the perpetrator. She could be being abused by one or several partners, she may have alcohol or drug dependency which makes her more vulnerable to be associating with unpleasant men.
Many women 'choose' or decide to remain in abusive relationship for a huge range of reasons.
I don't think you can befriend her in any way, you can however, be friendly to her and perhaps try to get her involved in the PTA so that she can be included in the wider community. The whole thing is a bloody tragedy and the children of these abusive relationships are rarely removed from the family home and they quite often become the abusers of tomorrow because of their life experiences. So, so sad but you must simply act highly professionally at all times. You could speak to schools child protection officer who may be able to advise you further on how to deal with the effect on your own feelings regarding this highly emotive issue.

As an employee of the school you can get counselling for yourself. Feed any information you have to the child protection officer. They will be in regular contact with SS. They will know best how to approach the mother about the DV. Without checking back on the training, I'm not sure if you are legally obliged to report the DV anyway. Morally, though, you should.

If you want to support the parent then just maybe ask her if shes ok when no one else is around, she may talk to you or she may not. You don't have to blank her and pretend you dont know or go all cold and official. I work with kids and do hear/see shocking things. I report as you have, give hugs a lot and listen. It doesnt mean you have to take everything on, you make a difference by being open to them speaking to you.

I second speaking to school nurse who should in turn speak to the named safeguarding nurse for the trust for more specific advice. I am surprised that you say she is not engaging with children's services as given the level of abuse you describe the children should at the least be deemed as 'in need' and it be at CAF level but more appropriately on plans as they will most probably be at risk of emotional and/or physical abuse (this would force engagement or lead to other consequences). Rather than focus on the mother, as a professional you need to ensure that everything possible is put in place to safeguard the children.
I work in nursing so may be different in teaching but if I saw fresh bruises on a parent who was known to children's services, I would have a duty yes to document but to also personally contact the the social worker as I would want to ensure everything was documented and recorded and that action was taken if needed. I just wonder what happens with these reports that you file.
I know this wasn't what your OP was about but wanted to put my two penneth in

I agree with everything above. However, there's nothing to stop you being friendly, encouraging this woman to get more involved with school activities or engage with her in general conversation. A common problem for victims of DV is that they end up isolated, terrified to make friends, worried about being out of the control environment (home) for too long etc.

Well if ss have been involved in the past the woman will well know that a call to the police for DV will trigger a referral to ss where children are in the home at the time of the incident.

The bastard doing this to her doesn't even care if the world sees her bruises. She is scared of SS because she knows that they will either tell her to get rid of the man or they will take her son.

IMO her son needs protection because as his protective factor she is failing. Her son is likely to have suffered irreversible damage due to witnessing this behaviour and the real damage will kick in when he tries to have relationships of his own as an adult. That will be a big problem in the future.

Do you know if he is still on a plan? And if it was a sec 47 or 22

I don't know any other details other than 'ss are involved' as I'm so new but I'm sure I could ask the SENCO or the child's teacher from last year for more info if I felt I needed to know more or if I decide to contact their support worker directly.

Cog, those were the lines along which I was thinking, not wanting her to feel further isolated, but I will keep my professional role in mind as well from now.

Thank you all so much for your replies, I feel as though I understand the issues surrounding the situation a lot more now than I did.

I've met the father a couple of times and he is, as expected, a throughly nasty man.