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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Friend being adulterous - what would you do?

38 replies

Yogamuminahottent · 26/09/2014 16:07

So to cut it short, husband and wife, both friends of mine, wife clinically depressed and has been for many years, husband has - according to gossip, started being very indiscreet around the village with various other ladies (one of whom purports to being friend of wife). I don't know whether to:-
Speak to him about it
Speak to her about it
Speak to both of them about it
Speak another mutual friend for her advise
Mind my own business
I just keep thinking that if that was my husband and my friends knew and i didn't that i would feel very betrayed by everyone.
So, what would you do?

OP posts:

NickiFury · 26/09/2014 16:08

I would keep out of it completely and plead total ignorance when questioned.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 26/09/2014 16:14

What Nicki said. It may be that the couple have an agreement, or not. But how awkward to butt in and presume to be referee. Ignore it.
If he trys it on with you, then let him know what you think.

Maroonie · 26/09/2014 16:16

I would also leave it, its just gossip don't join in

Maroonie · 26/09/2014 16:19

I also thought perhaps she knows and is dealing with it her own way- she might even have a thread! But forcing her to confront the issue or talk about it with you could be really unhelpful

Lweji · 26/09/2014 16:19

I wouldn't go and report gossip.

The real problem would be if you knew he is cheating, or if he propositioned you.

FinnsMum19 · 26/09/2014 16:19

I couldn't leave it. Like you said, if it was happening to me and friends of mine knew, I'd be heartbroken that they hadn't told me. Is it just gossip or is their firm proof? If so, I'd speak to him and let him know the whole village is talking. Hopefully that would be enough for him to wake up and realise what he's doing x

FinnsMum19 · 26/09/2014 16:19

losthermind · 26/09/2014 16:19

The messenger always gets shot
Do not get involved

Mammanat222 · 26/09/2014 16:19

I would steer well clear to be honest.

It's only gossip you are hearing after all, it's not as if you have caught him at it and kept quiet.

Original poster

Yogamuminahottent · 26/09/2014 16:30

no he has never propositioned me, he has however consistently propositioned my best friend over the last few weeks. So on this basis does this change anything?

Yes i have thought that they may this agreement but what if they don't?

OP posts:

chipsandpeas · 26/09/2014 16:33

keep out of it

chipsandpeas · 26/09/2014 16:35

unless you have firm proof i should add

nothing good would come from passing on gossip imo no one knows exactly whats going on inside a relationship

Maroonie · 26/09/2014 16:38

What outcome are you looking for? Maybe your friend should contact her So she hears it directly and you can give her support if she asks. Rather than you being the messenger and her feeling betrayed by even more people?

rainbowfeet · 26/09/2014 16:39

I live in a very small village & have learnt that most of the gossip you hear is lies & it is a good idea to keep yourself to yourself & not spread the gossip further!

Smilesandpiles · 26/09/2014 16:43

Keep well out of it.

If you do or say anything or even hint that you knew something it will blow up in YOUR face sooner or later.

BikeRunSki · 26/09/2014 16:45

Unless he propositions you, it's got nothing to do with you.

Joysmum · 26/09/2014 16:49

I'd want to know about if I were the wife. The only reason not to disclose your concerns is is you put your own needs above her far greater needs to question if she's living a lie.

Telling her gives her the power to make her own decisions.

If you don't tell her it doesn't say a lot about your faith in her abilities to make her own decisions.

warysara · 26/09/2014 17:11

You should mind your own business. As mentioned above, if it is lies (or even if it isn't to a certain extend) no-one likes the messenger,

kaykayblue · 26/09/2014 17:12

If it's just gossip, then I would speak to him about it.

Firstly, if it ISN'T true, then he has a right to know what on earth is being said about him.

Secondly, if it IS true, then you may wish to "advise" him to let his wife know what is going on, as it's only going to humiliate her if she finds out second, third or fourth hand from others.

Should you wish to also let him know what a disgusting piece of shit he is, that's also an option (if it's true, obviously).

kaykayblue · 26/09/2014 17:13

Also, next time he propositions your friend, tell her to smack him one.

What a fucking creep.

crazylady321 · 26/09/2014 17:14

Im in the same predicament atm regarding sil. Having discussed with oh (her brother) we are not going to get involved and leave her to it

sanfairyanne · 26/09/2014 17:16

who is the friend of the wife? they should tell her if her husband has propositioned her. if it is all just 'friend of a friend' gossip, ignore and dont spread the gossip

DorisIsALittleBitPartial · 26/09/2014 17:20

The messenger always gets shot
Do not get involved
^ this
I was the messenger once (proof not gossip), she didn't speak to me again and they are still together 20 years on.

BerylStreep · 26/09/2014 17:22

I would want to know, but it could go spectacularly wrong for you.

If you confront him, he could turn nasty and try to isolate his wife / smear your name.

I couldn't however keep socialising with him as if nothing was going on, and would try to focus my friendship on only meeting the wife without him.

Original poster

Yogamuminahottent · 26/09/2014 18:41

Thanks all - lots of differing opinions - will mull them over and see where it takes me.

OP posts:

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