Friend being adulterous - what would you do?

[Yogamuminahottent]

So to cut it short, husband and wife, both friends of mine, wife clinically depressed and has been for many years, husband has - according to gossip, started being very indiscreet around the village with various other ladies (one of whom purports to being friend of wife). I don't know whether to:-
Speak to him about it
Speak to her about it
Speak to both of them about it
Speak another mutual friend for her advise
Mind my own business
I just keep thinking that if that was my husband and my friends knew and i didn't that i would feel very betrayed by everyone.
So, what would you do?

When it was just gossip, I said nothing.

When I was introduced to his son, I told him to go home and let his wife make an informed decision, or I would. He sort of did (OW phoned her and crowed).

Wife chose to try again. He had 2nd kid with OW (one with her sister too), his mum adored her new grandkids... just not the official ones (that was a bit weird, tbh).

I told wife about the other 2 kids, she went to see MIL, who told her to F Off. He just used to smile/smirk. But he was eventually got rid of.

It took about 5 years, but we are now friends with wife and her new DH.

My husband was cheated on by his ex-gf while he was deployed. When it all came out he found out a lot of his so-called friends knew about it as well.

Based on that, I vote for telling her in a round about way "Saw X out and about with Y, didn't know they knew each other".

Unless you know her really well and then I'd go with "You know I hate gossip but I think knowing about the gossip makes it easier to fight it, do you agree?" and then based on her answer "there's talk around town. Your H has been hitting on my friend G and I've heard about other as well but I don't have any proof, just gossip."

But then if I had someone come to me and tell me about gossip and it turned out to be wrong, it could seriously damage a relationship.

I'd probably want some sort of proof if someone told me... like a recording or a photo or screen shot of a bad chat

Maybe you could suss her out? Find out whether she's suspicious. Invent a fictitious situation or discussion from mumsnet about what would be good enough "proof".

Leave it alone!

I've been on the 'receiving' end... whereby friends were unsure of whether to tell me.

Eventually, one did. I felt only extreme gratitude - and she remained available for support (which I obviously then needed).

Meanwhile, to have discovered that other friends knew - and chose not to tell me - was deeply hurtful. I felt 'betrayed' by them keeping me in the dark. We remain friends, but I have never been able to forget that they failed to tell me something so vital.

I would have said ignore till reading that post

Why not say to the H?

Actually, as you only have gossip, maybe you should tell the people who gossip that they should tell the wife instead of gossiping about her husband.

It probably depends on your friend. I would prefer to know and have been told about a BF cheating and got rid of him. I have also been the messenger who got shot so not every woman will react the same way. Some prefer to stick their head in the sand and ignore the situation and don't welcome the truth and will blame you for attempting to break up their marriage!

I would only tell if I was very good friends with the wife. The stakes are so high that I would get shot but if she was a very good friend, I would feel morally obliged to take that risk for her.

I will only mention it once and never again, unless she wanted to continue the discussion.

Don't tell anyone except us. We like gossip.

I agree with Devoutly - I was in the same position and the knowledge that friends knew about the situation but chose not to tell me, for whatever reason, is truly hurtful. So the 'messenger might get shot' - but at least you've passed the message on and what the receiver does with the news is entirely up to her/him.

I would say nothing. I would not thank anyone for telling me dh was cheating, still less if they told me that there was gossip he is getting a bit flirty. Seriously, you could damage a marriage over gossip mongering here.
I would not want to know if he was cheating as there is a good chance the affair will blow over and our marriage can continue intact. It would never survive if I knew. So no, I would no thank anyone for telling me and doubt I could still be friends with them.

OP - Ultimately, I think the message is that you have to do what you would want someone to do for you, or make the decision that gives YOU a clear conscience. I could not, in clear conscience, hide something like this.

I would prefer to tell someone, and have them hate me for it, than not say anything and look out for myself.

But everyone is different, and it's a subject which does illicit strong opposing views.