Should I talk to DSis about her age/fertility?

[MyFirstName]

My DSis is 45. She is single. She is internet dating on and off. She is waiting for Mr Right to come and whisk her away, marry her, look after her and to have babies with. She talks about the fact her GP says her body is in pretty good nick and there is no reason why she could not still be fertile.

She has had one long term relationship in her twenties. Spent her thirties on and off with a married man (who she knew was not going to settle down with her, even though he did, during this period leave his wife and get someone else pregnant).

She met one person through on-line dating - it lasted a year. This ended 18months or so ago.

She is vaguely dabbling in on-line dating again now. But is being very, very strict on who she will bother seeing. Perfect fingers, teeth, smile, accent, grammar, location etc etc. I have never on-line dated so I am guessing some of this is very wise. But I am not sure about the statistics of the whole game. Will she meet her Mr Right if they are all Mr Wrong before she even talks to them.

I find it heartbreaking to hear her. Particularly the comments about the children she will have (I have asked if she would do it alone - no - she wants to be a couple/married). I worry about her - about how she will be if she comes to the point where she realises she may need to change her view of her future.

However heartbreaking for me though, I need to do the best for her.

What should I do? Should I just nod and smile when she talks about the married with babies thing? It may happen. I would love it to happen for her. Or should I be trying to get her to face some kind of reality?

Tbh I have tried to broach the subject in the past. A gentle "what if it doesn't happen?" It did not go down well. Though I kind of guess it may not if someone is pissing on your dreams. Especially if that someone is me - a sister who was the golden child, who has the husband/2.4 kids etc.

So, sorry so long. Let her be or try to talk to her?

Let her be.
You are not the person to have that conversation with her, as you say, you have all the things she wants , or at least says she wants. Coming from you it will just be salt rubbed into a wound.

I doubt if your sister has got to her mid 40s with out being aware that the clock is ticking biologically.

Don't mention it. Ever.

Agree - you tried once. So don't mention it. The ticking body clock is in the news every week. She knows it and doesn't need you to tell it to her.

OK. Cool. This is mostly what I thought - but I wanted to make sure I wasn't being a scaredy cat by avoiding it. We haven't always had the best relationships - it can be up and down - but we are closer now than we have ever been. I can be more realistic/pragmantic (?blunt?) than she is in my approach to life but know that it would be a very painful conversation to have. And not one I would really want to broach. But want to get outsiders' viewpoints in case I would have been doing her a disservice not to mention it iyswim.

I guess she is aware but how she is dealing with it is to ignore. If that is how she is dealing with it, you are right, let it be.

No. Never ever ever.

She knows. She really does. She's just terrified to burst the balloon with reality.

It would be cruel for you to burst it for her when she's not ready.

Oh it is so sad. You are right. She is terrified isn''t she. I just want to hug her. But I am guessing that would be wrong too [watery smile]. Just smile and nod. Oooo at the dating profiles, laugh with her at the dating horrors and focus on her marvellous wardrobe, social life and travelling adventures.

I had a friend like that. She was divorced & several IVFs in. But she would stop at nothing... She never did have a baby & is almost 50 now. I never said anything to her, just supported her decisions. Even if it seemed crazy to me. Our friendship was wrecked by it all, and she lost other friends too. But none of us were able to tell her to her face what she must have known, deep down, herself.

Alley I think that is what worries me the most. At which point will it be OK to talk about a future which doesn't assume the married/2 kids thing.

If you were to say anything, perhaps you could let her know about the practical options, tactfully. It only costs about £100 to have tests to see what her ovarian reserve is like (how many eggs she has left) which would give her a rough idea of how fertile she still is. That might help her make an informed choice about whether she wants to reconsider having children on her own.

It is also possible to freeze eggs although it is expensive and not highly successful.

I don't think it's fair to keep reminding her that she might not ever have children but it might help her to know that there are other options than just hoping for the best.

There was a wonderful Radio 4 documentary on 2 or 3 weeks ago called "a Family Without A Child" - its still on the iPlayer. It was about the lived experiences of infertile women. Absolutely heartbreaking, but very good to listen to. They spoke about the moment they realised the truth that the dream was over, and how they've had to reshape their lives thereafter.

Definately check it out.

Hi OP
Has your sister thought about the possibility of adoption?

I am a childless woman - who planned to have 4 children with DH. DH has 3 children from his previous marriage but was infertile by the time we married (which we didn't know until all the fertility tests were done).

Please, please don't even attempt to have a conversation with your DSis - she probably knows the reality but is holding onto hope.

I wonder if her posturing about fertility is about other people's expectations and not her own. The way she's lived her life doesn't sound to me like a woman who genuinely, passionately wants to be a mother. I have never wanted children, and I've been up-front about it, but used the line, "Well, I can always change my mind." I'm 41 now and running out of time, but I am totally happy with my choice. Perhaps your sister is too, but hasn't wanted to admit it? For women of our generation, the choice not to have children at all is still a bit of a hot potato.

Do.not.mention.it. Ever.

She is 45, she knows

Agree don't mention it. When, if the time comes she may conceive or she may adopt or foster. I tried for over a year and the most hurtful comments were along the lines of 'I'm sure you will get to be a mum somehow,' or 'at least you have your husband.' I needed people to believe in me when I'd stopped believing in myself.

Interesting thread. I have a friend in exactly the same position. She's 44. She's been having acupuncture to improve her fertility but is not in a relationship. Does ID but it seems all the decent men were snapped up a long time ago.

I never say anything to her about it probably being too late to have DC's. But I do think if she really wanted them she would have settled down in her 30's when she had plenty of decent men to choose from. Instead she wanted to travel, focus on her career and didn't want to give up her independence. So my friend I feel has made a choice not to have DC's even though she is now desperate to have a child.

I work with the terminally ill. It is quite usual for them to have conversations about what they are going to buy/do next year/get for Christmas even when they 'know' they are dying and might have days to live. I've help plan a holiday for the following summer with someone who died the following day. I know they 'knew' on one level.

Denial protects us from pain. You don't take that away from someone unless you are very skilled at exploring feelings and even the most experienced therapist/counsellor can get it wrong.

Let her hope. Let her be excited about a future with a husband and kids. Be there as the reality dawns BUT always let her lead the conversations.
Anything less than that is cruelty in my opinion.

I wouldn't say anything. I would be amazed if she's got to 45 without any awareness that her fertility is likely to have declined.

Don't mention it! I am childless and likely to remain so, barring a miracle. If a friend/ relative tried having a chat about fertility with me I'd be furious. And consider them smug/patronizing. We're not bloody stupid you know! (Sorry, that was a rant.)

That was a really moving post Flanges.

Ah flange what a beautifully wise post. OP couldn't have hoped for a more informative response.

And thank you for doing the work you do.

Flanges

Oh Flangeshrub you will never know just how helpful that post is to me - have been worrying about a situation such as you describe, now sadly "over", and your post has helped me see that I did the right thing.

Flangesshrub - I like your post a lot.