Are these legitimate reasons to end my relationship?

[textingdisaster]

I started another thread today but worded the title strangely so thought I would re-post.

The 4 basic reasons I would like to end my marriage are:

1. Lack of physical and verbal affection.
2. Complete inability to talk about anything without it becoming an argument.
3. Only h's name is on the house deeds and he refuses to discuss having a will or life insurance.
4. H has a short temper.

Sorry, just thought of another one. H is capable of not speaking to me for weeks (as he is doing at the moment).

The question I would like to ask is, is it ok for me to end my marriage based on the above, given that it will really affect my 3 dc (8, 10 and almost 13 years old)?

You staying with h and being unhappy will really affect dc. It's not good for them to live in a tense environment

There is only one reason to end a relationship and that is because you want to.

There may be factors behind that reason, but you don't need any one else's permission to get out of a relationship that you are not happy with.

I'd end it for those reasons but the absolute truth is that you don't need a reason to end a marriage other than you don't want it to continue any longer.

Your husband's name being the only one on the house deeds is not strictly relevant as you are married, so the property is an asset of the marriage, but I could interpret it as something sinister in his attitude if not in intent.

You have my sympathy as we are in similar situation. My husband would prefer to volunteer to work away (which is just a jolly in my opinion as any phone calls home are brief and obviously from a pub) than stay home and try to mend our marriage. It would appear that re runs of the west wing til 1am are preferable to sharing the marital bed. Very little affection nowadays. But strangely- he can still make my blood boil which I suppose means there's still feelings on my side, I have not yet reached the 'I couldn't give a toss what you do' stage which I think probably is the point of no return.

Well as you are married it will make little difference about your name being on the house deeds.
All assets and savings are split when a marriage ends.

All of the reasons you list are MORE than enough to end a relationship.
Look up 'Stonewalling abuse' and see what you think of that.
It's a form of abuse and it's horrible.

When my ex ignored me (stonewalled) at the beginning of our relationship I packed my bags the next day and left. We did resolve things and he didn't do it again.
Grown ups with decent vocabulary do NOT ignore the other one by using this childish abusive tactic.

He sounds vile and I expect there's a lot more you haven't even thought of listing!

If you want out and you've had enough then you end the relationship.

You don't need reasons or proof.

It's ok for you to end your marriage for any reason that is important to you.

Certainly what you describe is enough to say that the relationship is shit.

You have the right to a happy life with someone who values and respects you.

Well, you don't have to justify your decision to him or anyone. You can end it because you know you want to end it.

Any of those reasons singly could be a dealbreaker.

You are not obliged to have a relationship with anyone.

Being unhappy is more than enough reason to end a marriage/relationship.

There is one legitimate reason to end a relationship:
because you want to.

The rest may be reasons why you want to.

There is no point in staying in a miserable relationship that only makes you unhappy. The children are affected, but not necessarily for worse.
Short tempers and constant arguments affect your mental health, but also impact on the children. They are not in a bubble.

Thank you. Am still at the stage where I think I might be able to change things if I do x, y or z, but actually doing x, y or z feels like walking through treacle as I feel so down about the general state of the relationship.

littlehomebird I know what you mean about not having reached the I couldn't give a toss phase. Am worried I might never reach it however and then I will be stuck in this horrible limbo forever .

I ended my marriage two and a half years ago. I should have done it earlier. It was unsalvageable. I still feel angry and sad about it sometimes. You don't always need to get to the don't give a toss stage before ending the marriage.

If you aren't happy and don't think things can be fixed either because you or your husband don't want to change the things that need fixing, or can't change them, that to me is the end.

my only question is why you've waited so long!

get things moving on a divorce. Wishing you better times.

But how do you actually really know? I guess the fact that I am asking means that I still think I have something to give. In this case it means de-clutter the house and find work. If after doing this things are the same then I suppose I have my answer. The problem is I spend quite a lot of my time feeling depressed about my relationship and not doing what I need to do .

Actually, I think the point of no return is when you stop hoping that things do get better.

There is no such thing as a legitimate reason and it makes me sad when people think this.

It's not like the relationship police are going to come knocking on your door saying "sorry, these reasons are not legitimate" and force you to stay in a relationship! (Hope I don't sound mean meant jokingly)

It doesn't sound like you're very happy with this person OP

So you de-clutter the house and he will stop turning every discussion into an argument? You find work and he will stop stonewalling you for weeks at a time? There's not a lot of cause an effect between the things you think you need to change and his behaviour. That's because the thing that has to change is his behaviour - and he's pretty clearly indicated he doesn't intend to.

Yes I don't know, I can't see the wood for the trees. I wouldn't want to feel I had not tried absolutely everything though and I suppose I have damaged the relationship as well. Am thinking of giving myself a time limit to find work / de-clutter etc... Have a massive to do list of stuff I need to do. The only problem is finding the motivation to do it when feeling down / as though my life is meaningless and that I am in some way surplus to requirements. Really need to find a way to stop being so needy of h's approval as it is his disapproval / criticism which really knocks me for six.

What triggered this latest bout of ostracism was a horrible argument on Saturday. Normally it is me who eventually gets us out of the no talking but this time I am not going to do it. If this is how he wants it then I am not going to fight it. It is very painful though and I suppose it is designed that way. Don't know how I am going to get through the next 4 weeks (I have a 4 Saturday course starting this weekend which will hopefully help my employment prospects and which I have paid for so have to do). This evening was a case in point. He was going to make what he fancied for dinner instead of what I had made but then ate what I had made. I then (because I was offering them to the kids) offered him ice cream and squeezed juice but he said no to both (which he wouldn't normally) presumably because he doesn't want to interact in that way or taking food from me is too friendly . The way he says no is very closed and angry as well .

I just don't know why I am in this mess .

Sorry, that paragraph was too long. The food example sounds petty but he has definitely shut me out completely. He is very good at doing this. He is controlling and completely emotionally inarticulate.

Not wanting to be married to him any more is plenty reason enough.

You can choose to live in whatever hell you want to, but your poor children!

Am still at the stage where I think I might be able to change things if I do x, y or z

Nothing you can do would make him less short tempered. Even if the arguments were 6 and two 3s (not saying they are, but I've obviously not observed them) the fact that he is short tempered is enough to make life miserable for you.

And I understand what you mean by that last paragraph. It's not too long. His response to you offering was hostile and petty and designed to make you feel bad.

Just realised that my post can be read both ways. I was referring to your children having to live in a family where one parent will go weeks without speaking to the other parent, it sounds awful