did you tell your cheating ex what you thought?

[Frogisatwat]

I am so tempted to email him and calmly explain what effect his affair had on me.
I am being told to be cool. Baggage reclaim tells me not too. But I need to let it out somewhere. Its going around and around in my head. Ive heard the method where you write it all down but don't send it. But to me there seems little point in that.
He may not read it and if he actually gave a shit he wouldn't have cheated. I just feel powerless with no where to process these thoughts that won't leave my head. My RL friends can't hear my stuck record again. I don't know what to do.

No.
But I did let him glean how much better my life is.
Living well is the best revenge.
Your friends will listen with empathy and share your joy as you take your life to somewhere special. It's awful to feel you're banging on about it. I know. My friends have all said they'd listen and listen again though.

Someone told me 'he's stunted and an arse, do you want to share your vulnerability with such a wanker?' she was right. I didn't

I told mine what I thought of him and the impact it had had on me (by email) but not until 6 months after we split. He had come back sniffling and wanting me back (assume OW had dumped him) and I saw red. My email told him in no uncertain terms why he didn't deserve me any more. Was most cathartic, but if I had done it any earlier I am not sure I would have had the strength to do it properly. Had the desired effect as it meant I felt he knew what a sod he had been and also he backed off for good. I guess we both got 'closure' (Excuse the phrase).

I think I would have to know the back story to really be able to offer my opinion.

But I do know that when my relationships have split in the past, I've always been surprised and kind of kicking myself if the other party just moves on and cuts contact. The boyfriends that have sent me letters or emails just got rolled eyes from me, but those that got on with their lives, like I was a bit of a twat, got my admiration and made me think maybe id made a mistake.

With that I mind I would say an email would be a mad idea and trying your best to move on would be the better plan for long term results.

I am trying to live well. But it really winds me up that he and his ego are just swanning around living a normal life and I am wondering when my life will get better. Its not just him. Other stuff too.

It is hard to move forward. Go easy on yourself.
It's easier for the cheater, there's no shock, they've got over the guilt, they are selfishky indulging their own whims.
You have shock, grief, doubts and questions.

What seasavage said.
He won't care about the impact on you, and telling him will only make him feel important.

Frog if you would like to email or pm it all to me just to get it out then you are more than welcome. I won't even read it if you don't want me to. I'm sure your friends don't think you are a stick record but I know what you mean.

I wrote it all down at the time, but didn't send it. I'm so glad I didn't, as reading it later, about a year, I was quite shocked and thought, who was that mad woman? I didn't recognise myself.

When I found the full extent of what he had been up to, I stormed round to his place and had the whole lot out with him in a two hour stream of fury. Then I shut the door, walked out and never saw him again (after 5+ year relationship). God it felt good. I let it all out - all the minor irritations and all his failings.

But once I had done that, and it was over, I never contacted him again. I think NC is the hardest thing I've ever done - but also the healthiest

Well I did contact him. Actually he contacted me to ask for a piece of equipment which technically he owns but was bought for our joint business. My business cannot function without it and I am reluctant to hand it over as without it I would could not trade. I had a huge panic attack over the fact he wanted me to take it to his house. (Shes been there and I just felt sick) so I messaged him saying im sorry he couldn't have it because its my lifeblood. That he wasn't to contact me again unless she was gone from his life and if she didn't go then I guess I wouldn't be speaking to him again ever.

Thanks mrsminton. I couldn't have coped without mn. You all need

Hmm.. IT's tough isn't it?

If he contacts you again just say "No. You can't have it". Don't elaborate. Don't mention personal things at all. Just...No!

Oh yes - but when we were still living in the same house in separate rooms. I didn't hold back.

One memorable occasion was when he came out of the shower and asked me how he looked - did he look sunburnt?
I said brightly 'No, you just look like a cock' at which point he stormed off.

Afterwards we had to contact each other about 'stuff' and I once made the mistake of asking 'Hi, how are you?' - a long self pitying monologue about his sad, lonely life in his 'empty, echoey flat' ensued. I never made that mistake again.

Now, I just feel sorry for him - one of life's losers. Lost me, anyway.

Don't let him have that space in your head. Mine was terrified what revenge I'd wreak, his new bird was also scared of me
So I did nothing, I decided whatever happened to him would send the boys in blue straight to the ex wife ie me
I had offers to nick his van, send deliveries, beat him up etc
And I don't regret it at all. He will have been shitting himself
Remember revenge is a dish best served cold.

Be strong, be dignified, be happy. Let him find out how well you're doing without him. Lose some weight if it will make you feel better about yourself, get some new clothes, change your hair.
It's such a cliche but these things really got to my ex!

Good luck, you're worth a hundred of him

Hi purple. I don't want him to have the head space. Sadly the head is doing it all by itself. I can't eat and I am very underweight. Im not poo pooing your advice. Every kind word means millions to me. Thank you x

Hi - I am going through a similar thing at the moment. All the advice I have received from MN's told me to go NC - and they were right!

Stupidly, I sent him an email on Mon night (it was after my son had got very upset at having to travel 3 hrs at the weekend so my ex could visit his new GF). I wrote in the email that in fact I hadn't loved or even liked him as a person since in had his first EA and fell head of heals in love (about 5 years ago - we were together for 9 years). I also wrote that I found him boring on every level - especially sexually!!

Well he hit the roof at the email - and wrote a vile one back. I must say that I felt really good for a couple of days after I sent it, but now I feel just as rotten again - and that NC is a much better way of healing yourself and hurting them.

Sorry you are going through this - I feel your pain.
x

If it helps you could write what you wanted to say to him here. Then you will get support and feedback from all of us! Hugs to you.

And Baggage Reclaimed gives excellent advice IMO. It certainly helped me when I was on the verge of contacting my ex on Valentine's Day!

Also wanted to recommend the excellent Paul McKenna book, I can heal your broken heart. It has some excellent techniques to help you move on.

Hey Frog, a millions times have I written what I really think to him. In my own words, no frippery, no jokes, no insults, no irony. And deleted every single one of them. Instead I started Dear STBXH, as you know, and the story still unfolds as I sit here, sometimes feeling sorry for myself, and sometimes not.

My counsellor suggested the writing of a letter and burning it (I didn't tell her of the Dear STBXH thread - started before she joined the Team!) but like you I was a bit dismissive of the idea. It felt a bit pointless to me too.

If there was a magic wand to heal the pain, I'd zap it on me and then hand it to you. But I am healing slowly, and I promise you, you will too.

The book I felt most persuaded by was 'Detach and Survive' so I'll add that to your shopping list. I want to look back in a year and say 'you lost control the day you left, and I never once let you take it back'.

It's okay to feel the way you're feeling. It's not okay to do something that you'll later regret. Don't bring any more pain onto yourself later for a little short-term gain now. It's the best advice I can give you.

My cheating ex-husband came round to pick up some things and sort out the sale of the house (he was living with the other woman after a week of swearing there was no one else) and I was standing in the kitchen.

I cried and put my arms around him and asked him to go to bed with me 'one last time'.............he said 'of course darling' and took my hand to lead me up to bed.

I took his hand very calmly off my hand and said....'That just tested your loyalty to her' and showed him the door.

The look on his face was my revenge and I never saw him again.

No I didnt, something I have always regretted. Yes I ended things and walked away but I havent ever spoken to him about how much he hurt me and A year or so later I saw him and just felt like really laying into him and letting him know how I felt.

Second ex who did it was totally different and I think I went very ott I was in disbelief that this had jhappened to me again , think he got a double dose of my rage due to not getting it off my chest first time. For weeks I kept thinking of something else to rant about sent txt after txt and late night phone calls, must of sounded a right bunny boiler. Funny thing is we are really good friends now

oh I let it all out on his favourite public forum - the stupid twat didn't see it for months and when he did he had it deleted. Have to agree nc is the best way, I really feel for you op, especially the panic attacks, which i still get if i hear an engine like his or see a car like his. The lying cheating bastards aren't worth our time girls!

I wrote an email, it was full of every pain that I felt and how it had affected me so badly. For some strange reason (as I often act on impulse), I didn't send it. I remembered the advice on MN about waiting 24 hours and then if I felt the same to wait another 24 hours.

One year on, I still have the draft. I cannot tell you how happy I am that I didn't send it. I wanted him to feel my pain - he never will. It might have made him feel shitty for a couple of days but then he would have his OW to put his mind at rest that he deserved a better life with her. I refused to give them that power over me.

4 months ago I saw him, probably for the last time ever. He cried for 5 hours and said he is so scared as he doesn't know what I am thinking and he can no longer read me. I of course looked fabulous - even though I was crushed inside.

I refuse to let them know how it made me feel - I own those feelings and he would never understand.

Frog - please, please see your GP about how you are feeling.

Trust me, oh my goodness if you did read my threads, if I can come through this - anyone can.

I wish you strength and peace of mind. You will be okay

Ah well. I got a reply to my text which had to some extent detailed how painful it had been. It didn't acknowledge any of that. Just said I need it at 930 and can you drop it to xxxxx . Fuck you. No I can't. Twunt. He caused the problem. He can deal with it. Im going hiking today.