DP has completely cut off emotionally - I think he wants to leave...

[lemonjellies]

I am feeling very sad, lonely and a bit panicky. DP and I have had a pretty up and down relationship from the outset - 11 years. . He's not the easiest sometimes, but in the last few days he has completely cut me off.

This particular bout of behaviour started on Friday, with the announcement of the referendum. He was very much a yes voter, I was a no. But we'd had a rocky time for a few weeks before that. Partly because I had found what looked to me like a "shaglist" - and I wasn't the last name on it! I eventually (after a couple of months ) brought it up with him. He gave me some pretty convincing reasons as to why it wasn't. And even if it was, it looked to me to be pretty old.

Anyway, last weekend, he threw a curve ball at me by suggesting that perhaps our relationship had run its course and that we should end it. I was shocked, we've been here before but I wasn't expecting it this time. I was also pretty furious as he said it wasn't what he wanted but did I? After some arguing/discussion I made it clear that it wasn't what I wanted and if he wanted to leave then it was his decision. Definitely not mine. We patched it up and he then said we should get married.

Fast forward to Friday, he hardly speaks to me, and hasn't really done so since. I left him to it for a couple of days but his behaviour is very odd. He got home a bit late on Friday, and hasn't instigated any kind of contact at all. He also told me this morning he was going to work, but clearly wasn't and I came back this morning and he was still here. I asked him outright if he was leaving and said he wasn't and that I was overreacting and he wasn't going. He has basically moved into the spare room though.

He has form for this

We have 2 DC's as well.

He's going to leave isn't he??

would that be so much worse than how you are living now?

fair question. And I've thought about it before. Yes, for me it would. I really depend on him so much, emotionally, for company, to make me laugh. I couldn't carry on with him being cold like he is now, but I would be bereft.

Also, my family and most of my friends still live a long way away. I only have one close friend anywhere nearby.

I also can't help wondering if he is having or thinking about having an affair. His closest friend, who I actually like a lot, appeared on the list. I always knew they had had some kind of fling (she as good as told me when I met her) and she is recently single. Perhaps it is paranoid but maybe he wants to see if she is interested?

Then you need to find some more. Can this close friend help? He's detaching from you, maybe you should do the same. This limbo time is horrible isn't it

Well he isn't 'company' or 'making you laugh' is he? He's being horrible and making you upset and sad. It seems he's getting restless and wants to leave.

You can't go on like this. It's not nice when a couple argue, but a million times worse when one of you is refusing to engage or talk about the problem.

For goodness sake do NOT get married to this person!!

If I were in this situation I'm afraid I'd ask him to go. There's no self-respect in putting up with this disgraceful behaviour. I know you're scared of the loneliness and grieving you'd have to face, but you can get through that and end up with a better life.
A man who loves you doesn't treat you like this.

Well, not at the moment Hatespiders - I grant you that! And you're right, it's the not engaging that is driving me round the twist. We've been arguing quite a lot but always made up.

We had a similar episode about 5 years ago. It culminating in him walking out - for about half an hour - until he realised he'd left his wallet and phone in the house and had to be asked to come back in. He'd made all the arrangements to leave though, while I was away for a weekend - at a memorial for my mother who had died a month before. Pretty shitty behaviour as I told him at the time.

I couldn't put up with this behaviour for any length of time, but as we have 2 kids I feel I need to try and wait and see. Does that make me a wimp?

tallwivglasses - my friend is quite a pragmatic kind of person - not really a shoulder to cry on iyswim. I have a couple of other friends here, who would help in a crisis - but my real support network is at the other end of the country.

Thanks though, just writing it here is helping.

lemon you really need to reread these posts as though someone else had written them. What would you say then?

The fear of the unknown is far, far worse than the reality. I stayed for the same reason, but in truth, it's never been as bad since I kicked him out as it was before.

I've recently ended another relationship that I would have tolerated before, and have decided to be on my own for the foreseeable future ever and I honestly couldn't be happier.

It really is so much better to be aingle than live this kind of half life just for the occassional glimpse of something nice.

Not saying ltb, but since I did, my tolerance levels are much lower than they were!

"I couldn't put up with this behaviour for any length of time, but as we have 2 kids I feel I need to try and wait and see. Does that make me a wimp"

No but why wait and see?. He's not trying here at all, infact he seems far more prepared now to move on and away from you. The sunken costs fallacy (look it up) can be a relationship trap many people fall into but what you forget here is that the damage has already been done. There are red flags around both his current behaviour and this overall relationship anyway.

What do you think your children are learning from the two of you about relationships here?. This is teaching the children that a loveless relationship with attendant dramas is the "norm". Do not do that to them out of some desire to wait and see, they deserve to see a positive role model of a relationship which this is clearly not.

Your pragmatic friend sounds like just the person to help you see that you can't live like this.

You risk losing yourself in this situation and that would be so sad. Agree - reread your posts as if a friend had written them...what would you want to say to her?

I think you are right about the affair. It sounds like he is very confused about this woman who has recently become single again.

Thanks all. I'll reread my posts again. FWIW I don't think his newly single friend would do the dirty on me and the kids. So if that is the issue then it is probably a bit stupid on his part.

I suppose I am hoping it will pass and we will go back to having a relationship. The kids won't have seen anything too out of the ordinary yet. My own parents had a very damaged relationship and my father was constantly threatening to walk out, so I take care not to expose my kids to it.

My whole attitude to what is normal is probably a bit screwed anyway.

Well - he says it's not a shaglist so maybe I am wrong about that!

How so I take control though without just chucking him out? He says he is not going but he is manipulative enough to push me into being the one who does it, so I can be the one at fault. And I am damned if I am going to play those kind if games with him.

I suppose he is being passive aggressive, now I think about it.

If you already acknowledge his game playing and one foot out the door, then what exactly are you hanging on for ?

Your self respect will thank you for taking control and ending this horrible situation.

Actually, the question of whether or not it is a shaglist or if he has cheated on me in the past is becoming much less of an issue of why he is behaving like this now.

Maybe it's not really about me at all

I complete acknowledge his game playing. It is what he does, although he generally can't get it it to work on me.

It's the one foot out of the door I am unsure of.

Goodness op I'm not sure why you had a smiley face when he asked you to marry him, he clearly spun you a line. Please don't fall for empty promises and quick makeups after fights.

Do you really want to be with someone who dangles you along, is of and on with you and basically has no respect for you. That does not sound like someone who loves their partner. I really think you deserve better than this.

It's working on you, I am afraid. You are still there, when he is clearly disrespecting you.

"My own parents had a very damaged relationship and my father was constantly threatening to walk out, so I take care not to expose my kids to it".

You remain harmed by what you saw. Was not at all surprised to read that and now history is basically repeating itself. This man is doing the self same behaviours as your own father did.

Your own mother likely tried and failed to protect you from their own damaged relationship. Your children do know and a lot more than you care to realise. They probably wonder of you why you still have him in your life at all.

What do you want to teach them about relationships?. What example is being set here to them?

Such men take a long time to recover from, perhaps even years.

I would not put it past either him or his newly single friend for that matter to do the dirty.

You will ultimately have to look at all the stuff you've learnt about relationships to date and unlearn all the crap you've been taught about same. Counselling for you would be very helpful going forward.

sorry wrong thread. going to report

To someone outside the situation, this seems obvious. He wants to split up. He suggests it, you respond angrily, he wimps out. Now he's withdrawing so you will want to break up, or ideally, you'll break up with him.

He doesn't want to be with you anymore. It's written over everything he's doing, and he's been said as much to you. For him, it's over. He just doesn't respect or value you enough to make that clear.