DP has completely cut off emotionally - I think he wants to leave...

[lemonjellies]

I am feeling very sad, lonely and a bit panicky. DP and I have had a pretty up and down relationship from the outset - 11 years. . He's not the easiest sometimes, but in the last few days he has completely cut me off.

This particular bout of behaviour started on Friday, with the announcement of the referendum. He was very much a yes voter, I was a no. But we'd had a rocky time for a few weeks before that. Partly because I had found what looked to me like a "shaglist" - and I wasn't the last name on it! I eventually (after a couple of months ) brought it up with him. He gave me some pretty convincing reasons as to why it wasn't. And even if it was, it looked to me to be pretty old.

Anyway, last weekend, he threw a curve ball at me by suggesting that perhaps our relationship had run its course and that we should end it. I was shocked, we've been here before but I wasn't expecting it this time. I was also pretty furious as he said it wasn't what he wanted but did I? After some arguing/discussion I made it clear that it wasn't what I wanted and if he wanted to leave then it was his decision. Definitely not mine. We patched it up and he then said we should get married.

Fast forward to Friday, he hardly speaks to me, and hasn't really done so since. I left him to it for a couple of days but his behaviour is very odd. He got home a bit late on Friday, and hasn't instigated any kind of contact at all. He also told me this morning he was going to work, but clearly wasn't and I came back this morning and he was still here. I asked him outright if he was leaving and said he wasn't and that I was overreacting and he wasn't going. He has basically moved into the spare room though.

He has form for this

We have 2 DC's as well.

He's going to leave isn't he??

If you do decide to leave this man, will you go back to where you have friends and family? I do hope you do.

at Yobitch!

I have had counselling, before I met him. A lot. Really thought I had found someone I could trust. Appears not. Have just found evidence of past relationship with NSF (newly single friend) . Not to say anything is happening now but he has obviously lied to me about that.

DD1 adores him. If we split I will want to move away - and all that stuff about visits and keeping a relationship between dad and kids. I can't face it.

imperial blether - friends and family are 500 miles away. How do my kids maintain a relationship with their dad over that distance. They are only 7 and 3?

Infinityseven - Looks like you're right.

Christ, I really thought we would get old together.

I think the issue of how a relationship is maintained over that distance is for him to decide. It's more important that you are living near people who will support you. He is not supportive; he makes you miserable.

How did you find out about the past relationship? How long ago was it in relation to you two meeting?

I have been snooping - a bit. He's been busy chucking stuff out. I found some old letters. It is a long, long time ago. And tbh I had always assumed that they had shagged at some point. She is promiscuous by nature, and DP had a pretty wild time before he met me. I am actually not threatened by that (I was no angel myself back in the day). But I wish he hadn't kept lying to me about it.

and he is making me bloody miserable at the moment.

I need to say though, he isn't always like this. Until very recently he's been very supportive and would tell me he loves me, almost every day. Despite our problems

I think that is what is making it so hard. It's a sudden change.

"Anyway, last weekend, he threw a curve ball at me by suggesting that perhaps our relationship had run its course and that we should end it."

Personally, I don't think there's any "perhaps" about it. He's said it in words of one syllable and you've not accepted it. Now he's detaching from you and chucking stuff out ready to pack and leave.

You can either passively sit around and wait to see what he does or take the bull by the horns yourself and ask him to go. I reckon in his mind he's left you already.

Yes, he did say that. But we did talk about it and he said that it wasn't what he wanted but maybe I did as I had seemed so unhappy.

I don't think he's the type to hang about if he wanted to go. and I have called him on this yesterday and he said he wasn't getting ready to leave - and wasn't going to leave.

But as others have said, if he is going to detach from me then he needs to go anyway.

aarrgh. I am supposed to be sodding working - not wretchedly trying to salvage/terminate my relationship.!

Have to go for a bit, thanks for all the advice though - wise Mners!

Sorry but classic signs of an affair of some kind, the shit behaviour towards you would indicate this also. Does he think it's alright to suddenly treat you like shit and do you think it's ok, as long as it passes - not right at all, you need to address this, you may not like the eventual outcome but you can't live like this.

He'll hang about as long as he thinks necessary.

Big of him telling you he's not leaving, that doesn't address the fact that he's acting shitty towards you.

You're right - it doesn't. And that is assuming he is telling the truth!

Need to focus on me and the kids. Not that selfish prick.

Lemon sorry you have found evidence of past relationship with newly single friend but I also you will find that she is the cause of this new behaviour.

You say your relationship has not been good over the time you have been together (up and down) can you elaborate on why its not good? Most people, men and women don't really want to stay in a relationship that doesn't make them happy and fulfil all their needs.