How pissed off would you be with your mother over this?

[VivaLeBeaver]

I am trying to calm myself down but honestly don't know whether to laugh or cry.

My mum has been wanting to have 13yo dd to stay overnight for ages. Dd doesn't like my mum and hasn't been keen though I've been trying to persuade her. Had a wedding to go to this weekend so told dd she would have to go. Mum very happy to have her.

I had to go out shortly before mum could get there. So my mum arrives, comes in the house. Took one look at the front room and exploded about the mess. Dd tried to explain that we're having builders coming this week so I'm currently trying to cram all the contents of the downstairs of my house into one room.

According to dd mum wouldn't listen and raced round the house looking in rooms and ranting and swearing. Her main points to dd are;

That my dh is a "backside licker".

That the house is disgustingly dirty. (Its not dirty, its a tip atm due to impending builders".

That dd has a new computer in her bedroom. "You're going to turn into your mother" was the phrase mentioned. (Because I surf the web rather than watch TV she thinks I spend too much time on computers.....but its fine for her to spend 5 hours an evening staring at the TV).

That we're "dirty chavs". Okaaay.

That I'm so fat it must be painful for me to walk. I'm a size 16.

That I'm unhealthily fat and need a better diet. Lots of variations of insults concerning my size.

That my brother is so fat he's going to get diabetes.

Back story. My mum can occasionally be nice but doesn't seem to keep the pretence up for long before having some majorly toxic rant like this.

I'm fucking sick of it. She said similar about the house years ago when i was an inpatient in hospital and funnily enough hadnt hoovered, etc due to being in a hospital bed. She had a row with dh that time and threw herself out saying she was never coming back.

I didnt let her back in my house for over a year as she'd been so rude. A year later she's back at it.

Her house is a pristine show home. My standards aren't quite so high but I'd hoovered and cleaned the kitchen only that day. My house is not dirty but can sometimes be slightly cluttered. I'm talking a pile of toys in the front room, a pile of post on the worktop. Not house of hoarders type thing.

I'm tempted to email her telling her she isn't welcome here anymore.

I have thought and so did my dad that my mum might have mental health issues. Dad thought she might be bi polar and she certainly has traits that can fit, erratic, mood swings, crazily obsessed about a new thing for a while and then dropped, rang me hysterical once....so bad she couldn't talk and I thought someone had died, turned out the Internet wasnt working.

Dad did speak to her GP who said there was nothing they could do unless she agreed she had a problem. She doesn't think she has a problem. She thinks she's 1000x better, more intelligent then everyone else. Everyone else is stupid and wrong. Dad pressed it a bit too much and she smashed the house up and stabbed him. Police viewed it as a domestic. Dad left and never came home. Police told me to sort my mum out.

I have told her in the past that her behaviour is unacceptable. My brother very clearly told her that the reason he didnt speak to her for years was because of stuff like this.

I'm not sure she has bi polar btw. She shows narcissistic traits.

Maybe she has both?

That's the problem I suppose with certain MH issues. Often the person suffering from it won't recognise or accept there is a problem. Maybe you've reached the end of the line with your mum Viva Whatever you decide to do, it isn't going to be easy and I really wish you and your dd well.

Beaver she stabbed your Dad?

Dad pressed it a bit too much and she smashed the house up and stabbed him.

There is nothing you can do here.

Back away. back away

Yup. Not badly, just in the leg. Don't even think he needed stitches actually but probably because he moved out the way quickly.

'Not badly, just in the leg.'

I think you really need to step back from this. You're too close to see properly. She stabbed your father. That is so far from normal. Someone who stabs people (even if they don't require stitches ) is not normal. They should never be left alone with your child.

Christ Viva I agree with pps there is nothing you can do but step away from this. She is highly unstable. your poor dad.

Highly unstable and dangerous OP! She could do this to you or your DD, I'm sure you know that.

I wouldn't be pissed off, I'd be nuclear.

Let this be the last straw, Viva. No contact from now on. You and your family deserve to be free of this toxic person.

Fucking hell. Never make your dd spend another second with your mother.

Sometimes no intact is the only way op.

Even if your mum had mol lately missed your dad's leg it would still be horrendous. You are too close to the situation to see it clearly.

I agree, not contact is probably the best plan. But I would back away gently, no big confrontation. Just stop initiating contact, don't respond, refuse all invitations. She's not going to change and so there is little point.

I suspect she would thrive on the drama of a show down where as you, as a normal person, will find it hard.

"Yup. Not badly, just in the leg. Don't even think he needed stitches actually but probably because he moved out the way quickly."

I hope that is just extra info there, as opposed to you justifying/minimisinig.

There is no excuse for what she did, & it is so out of the realms of rational behaviour!!!

I agreee with pp.

No drama or big announcement, just quietly back away!

Oh I'm not minimising it. Just wanted to give a clear picture rather than people thinking it was worse than what it was.

I was horrified by what she did and made it very clear. It was a long time, ten years ago. Apart from general nastiness she's seemed better since she and dad split up following that. More stable.

She sounds like she's a danger to herself and to others. I'm appalled the police didn't pick up on that. I'm aware I'm going against the grain of thread here by not giving 'back off from the toxic bitch now' type of advice but in all honesty if she were my mum I'd at least try to get her some treatment for her MH issues. She sounds seriously, seriously ill. You may not feel it's your responsibility (and who could blame you) but you've asked in you OP how pissed off would you be if this were your mother and my honest answer is yes, I would be pissed off but equally I'd be worried she was ill and thinking how I could help resolve this. That's me and my mum though. Perfectly understandable to react differently if you have a different relationship with your mother.

This one is comprehensively toxic. A"heart to heart" with someone like that would only fuel the fire. Anyone who acted like that in my house would be out on her arse within ten seconds. Sadly, if you go NC she is likely to do something to force or punish you.

So I would be telling her clearly that she is to fuck off and that there will be consequences if she doesn't. Formally, in ink on paper and by recorded delivery. I'm not sure I wouldn't have a solicitor send it.

And the very first time she challenges it - police.

boris If the OP's mother is ill she isn't going to respond rationally to your suggestion. You could be advising her to go down a route which is harmful and potentially dangerous to the OP. I still believe there needs to be some medical intervention.

OP if you feel you can't get away from your abusive mum for your sake, do it for your DD.
If she grows up thinking this is even slightly normal (she did ask you about it hurting when you walk) it will affect her life negatively.
She's told you she doesn't like her grandmother, listen to her and protect her.
As others have said, back away slowly, she will thrive on the drama and you don't want to give her any reason to kick off - she sounds poisonous and dangerous.
You can do it, for yourself and DD. xx