How pissed off would you be with your mother over this?

[VivaLeBeaver]

I am trying to calm myself down but honestly don't know whether to laugh or cry.

My mum has been wanting to have 13yo dd to stay overnight for ages. Dd doesn't like my mum and hasn't been keen though I've been trying to persuade her. Had a wedding to go to this weekend so told dd she would have to go. Mum very happy to have her.

I had to go out shortly before mum could get there. So my mum arrives, comes in the house. Took one look at the front room and exploded about the mess. Dd tried to explain that we're having builders coming this week so I'm currently trying to cram all the contents of the downstairs of my house into one room.

According to dd mum wouldn't listen and raced round the house looking in rooms and ranting and swearing. Her main points to dd are;

That my dh is a "backside licker".

That the house is disgustingly dirty. (Its not dirty, its a tip atm due to impending builders".

That dd has a new computer in her bedroom. "You're going to turn into your mother" was the phrase mentioned. (Because I surf the web rather than watch TV she thinks I spend too much time on computers.....but its fine for her to spend 5 hours an evening staring at the TV).

That we're "dirty chavs". Okaaay.

That I'm so fat it must be painful for me to walk. I'm a size 16.

That I'm unhealthily fat and need a better diet. Lots of variations of insults concerning my size.

That my brother is so fat he's going to get diabetes.

Back story. My mum can occasionally be nice but doesn't seem to keep the pretence up for long before having some majorly toxic rant like this.

I'm fucking sick of it. She said similar about the house years ago when i was an inpatient in hospital and funnily enough hadnt hoovered, etc due to being in a hospital bed. She had a row with dh that time and threw herself out saying she was never coming back.

I didnt let her back in my house for over a year as she'd been so rude. A year later she's back at it.

Her house is a pristine show home. My standards aren't quite so high but I'd hoovered and cleaned the kitchen only that day. My house is not dirty but can sometimes be slightly cluttered. I'm talking a pile of toys in the front room, a pile of post on the worktop. Not house of hoarders type thing.

I'm tempted to email her telling her she isn't welcome here anymore.

Look on the bright side, your DD is in her teens now, she won't have enjoyed the experience but if it isn't repeated it is most unlikely to have done her any harm. Sometimes we have to be in the presence of people who aren't very nice and it's a useful life lesson to learn to handle them. That parents can sometimes make incorrect judgement calls is another one!

Nearly a year ago now I became a grandmother (still proud and smug!). Funnily enough, I don't think I actually changed in any fundamental aspect. I'm still me and always will be - I just happen to have a GC now and an additional label to apply to myself. (It's great: DIL and DS do all the work, I take a hefty portion of the credit!) By the same token, someone who is not nice is not realistically going to just morph into a sweet little white-haired old granny from the gentler sort of fairy tale. They will be who they always were.

I would advise cutting contact, but I would also be sending an e-mail explaining that her behaviour was beyond the pale, and you have absolutely no intention of letting such a bitter, poisonous bitch ever spending time with your children again. And if she ever, EVER calls your son "fat" again, you will show her such rage, that her time burning in hell after she dies will seem like a holiday.

Then again, it's pretty easy for me to say this, as my mother would simply never do this, complete personality change aside.

It's well and good to cut contact, but I think you need to stand up for your children as well.

Also, IF your son IS overweight then I would really recommend changing his lifestyle patterns now. It's so much easier for kids to adapt to healthy changes and just gets harder and harder as they grow up.

There is no need for you to force yourself to spend time with your mum if she is this nasty.
My grandmother was a truly unpleasant woman who disliked my mother and never had a kind word for her or me and my siblings and we did not see her for years at a time. I'm ok with that, noone needs that much negativity and nastiness in their life, especially not kids.

Your daughter doesn't want to be with your mother and you should always respect that firstly. Secondly, you do not need a mother like this in your life. She makes you feel so bad I'm sure. She is toxic.

Kaykay, its my brother who's overweight. My mum is right that he is but I'm sure he knows it. Why on earth she feels the need to rant on at my dd about her uncles weight is beyond me.

I have spoken to her in the past about her behaviour. Of course its always my fault and I'm too sensitive, etc and she's only trying to help.

She was so rude to me when I was pregnant that my brother stopped speaking to her for five years! I never found the guts to break contact. I need to be stronger but its so hard.

My dad died last year (they were divorced). And I wish she'd died instead. Which is an awful thing to wish. She was vile to me over the funeral as I said I wasn't sure it was appropriate she came as she hates my step mum and I didnt want my step mum on edge on the day. Mum said she was coming whether she was welcome or not and that we couldn't stop her!

My grandmother was just like this with my mum. And my mum hated her for been such a nasty bitch. Though my grandma was always lovely to me. And she's repeating exactly the same behaviour and can't see it.

She is repeating the behaviour, but you are not .

Send an email saying that her critisisms of the house, your partner, your weight and your brother were misplaced and your DD was unhappy witrh them. As such you won't be seeing one another again.

My mother and father have been toxic my whole life. When I had my first child and they continued their behaviour, I decided enough was enough. I went no contact for 20 years. It hurt me as I was an only child with no other family at all ( moved to another country when I was a baby). They turned up in this country looking for me a couple of years ago and I didn't want to see them. Then they pulled the illness card so being the kind hearted person I am I arranged to meet them and took my grown up children along a few days later. My mother still said really horrible things that completely floored me although she appears completely unaware of what she says and the affect it has (doesn't she?) I decided to let them stay in my life although distantly as they went back to their country. They still have the power to wound me and hurt me and make me cry and I am now reading Toxic Parents to help me deal with them. I don't know why they are like this. I just don't know. I would never do anything to hurt my kids and have always given my love and approval to my kids unconditionally. I became the parent I would have wanted and gave my kids the childhood I never had.
Im sorry OP, not trying to take away from your thread, just wanted to show that your not alone. I wish I could understand why they have always been so emotionally abusive to me.

My grandmother was just like this with my mum. And my mum hated her for been such a nasty bitch. Though my grandma was always lovely to me. And she's repeating exactly the same behaviour and can't see it.

well done to you for breaking the cycle, op!

milllie, I've read Toxic Parents. It did kind of help but still doesn't make it less upsetting or hurtful. I'm sorry you're in a similar boat.

Millie, that is so shit. I am so sorry you are going through this.

There is NOTHING in this world that would make me resume contact, I certainly wouldn't if a friend treated me that way, and you don't have to either.

Get yourself over to the stately homes thread. You are not alone.

Unreasonable people aren't ever going to be reasonable or good. Best off keeping away and protecting your daughter from such toxicity. My mum stopped seeing her mum when she got pregnant with me. Mum had demons thanks to that woman, thanks to my mum, I don't, she broke the cycle.

viva the most important thing here is to stop your DD seeing her. She has a track record of feeding her poisonous and the last thing any child needs is joy-draining ranting that make her worry or think negative things of other people.

Your DD's instincts to avoid seeing her are clearly pretty good!

With people who have accidently slipped into a nasty way of thinking / speaking, I can see the point of speaking to them to give one last chance. But if she's been so horrible that your brother refused to speak to her over your pregnancy, if she's so awful to people that they prefer to step away, then it sounds far beyond curing. You know her best whether she's capable of change or not.

I also think that if she is badmouthing your husband you absolutely need to stop that happening. If she forces a choice, you need to choose him (assuming he's a reasonable husband! :) )

Sad that she's become her own mother.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2159284-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families

Sorry OP - I clearly got things mixed up in my head between reading your post, the responses, and writing mine!

She sounds horrific.

I totally agree that you need to cut contact. If she asks to see DD again then you can reply "No. She doesn't want to see you. And after all that shit you spewed at her last time, I can't say I blame her. Bye now".

OP, vile people tend to get viler as they age - they can become like caricatures of themselves.

As for wishing your mother had died when your father did, don't beat yourself up about it. I had the opposite with my parents: my DM died comparatively young, and wished then (and wish now, if I'm honest) that my father had been the one to go. I was actually relieved when he died, and I did not grieve - I'd grieved for the father I never had long before.

The only mistake you made here was forcing your DD into your mother's company when she had form for abusive behavior; apologise to your DD, make sure your mother knows you think her behavior is unacceptable and then go NC.

I have no doubt that my mother would spew vitriol about me to my dc's given half a chance, for that reason she never sees them without me or DH and even then only very rarely (never in her house or my home).

SHE IS AWFUL!

you poor thing.

OP I've posted about my mother on here recently and I have to say yours sounds even worse than mine. Using your DD as a conduit for her abuse would be a TOTAL DEALBREAKER for me and is what I fear my own DM is brewing up to.
I would go NC with no guilt at all. Good luck.

As a pp said - apologise to your daughter for having made her spend any time with her, and assure her that it will absolutely never happen again.

Then email your mother to say that since she is unable to behave, she is no longer welcome in your house.

You tried letting her back. It didn't work. Now your duty is to yourself, your husband, and your daughter, not to her.

viva don't feel bad.

When my dad was dying, I would have swapped their places in a heartbeat.

No love lost between my dad and me either, but she was worse and he had a young family who didn't deserve to lose him.

joni would you give the same advice if it was an abusive husband we were talking about here.

Totally depends on the type of abuse the husband was guilty of subjecting her to.

joni quite a lot of abusers abuse their wives about their weight. What the OPs mother is doing is no different.

I know that. I'm am very aware of what constitutes emotional abuse. What's happened to the OP is appalling but what strikes me is that her mother sounds like she some mental health issues. That's why I suggested the OP should speak to her mother first. That could get to the bottom of why her mother is acting so irrationally. If that gets the OP nowhere I'd certainly agree with going NC. The op loses nothing by having a frank conversation with her mother but equally has everything to gain should her mum have a MH issue such as bi-polar, OCD etc.which could be resolved.