How to deal with judgement? bit of a rant (long)

[Random1999]

Hello Ive never posted on this group before. i'm 15 (16 in feb) my boyfriend is 17 (18 just after im 16) and im 16 weeks pregnant, due in march.
I met my boyfriend when i was 13, he was turning 15 at the time, we remained friends and supported each other when I was sexually attacked by a family member then when his mother lost her 4 year battle with cancer(sadly i never got to meet her), when I was 14 we got closer and became best friends, I stayed at his house when having to deal with the breakdown of my relationship with my mother and he was my only friend as I was his. around that time his father (in his 60's) became ill and unable to drive, work etc. we supported each other through everything, he settled in to being a full time carer (him the youngest child, the older ones didnt bother as they all have there own family etc and the nearest person is 10 miles away but doesnt drive) just a few months before i turned 15 we got into a sexual relationship. after he turned 17 he got his license and started working full time to support himself as his father was only on basic benefits (not sure which ones) and a state pension. my relationship with my mother hit the fan and abuse started, theres alot more to that story but this isnt the place for that.
about 2.5 months ago i discovered i'm pregnant, my boyfriend maxed the hours he could legally work and started advertising in post offices and on gumtree and such doing odd jobs and repairs (hes a mechanic) to bring in more money. he has honestly done all he can to support us as a family and I cannot commend him enough for that seeing as most 17yr olds are F..k and chuck.
I know im going to get shit as a young mother its obvious. I've had a fair few insults and such here. however one thing that bothers me is the assumption that we have been together/known each other for 5 seconds, that we wont last (we may not but who the fuck are you to tell me? Shove your crystal ball up your arse,is my reply) We are stronger than ever right now, we are partners not just in love but in life and we can get through this no matter how hard it is I guess i just need to rant/ask if anyone else has been through similar. I'm sick and tired of being patronized about everything... :(

Also a week or so after I got a positive test my mother pinned me to the bottom of the stairs with her knee (on my stomach, she wasnt aware i was pregnant at that time) She now knows im pregnant but Ive been living here since about a month after finding out about the baby. thought that might be vital info (since we arent just seeing each other every other day im looking after the house and his dad until hes home from work)

My dsis was pregnant at 13. My wonderful nephew is now 12. Her relationship with the father was very violent and abusive so entirely different but I'd just like to say that she got a lot less judgment than everyone thought.

Does your dr know about everything? They may be able to find someone for you to speak to.

Social services got involved in our family. I assume they do with all young mothers. They were nothing but helpful so accept their help. Hopefully you will have some supportive teachers too, to enable you to continue your studies.

Good luck for the future. I'm writing from a phone so its difficult to say more but I have a lot of respect for young women like my sister who have and do raise wonderful children.

I am really really sorry to have assumed you are keeping the baby. If you're not sure, obviously that's a decision you need to come to. I only assumed so based on your post, not on any superiority in the decision either way.

Feel free to pm me if you want any more info. On what support my dsis (sister) received and how she managed. My mother had a breakdown but other family were there to help fortunately. I am sorry you dont have that, though you have a much more supportive partner. Keep an open mind about where things will go with him. It will be tough.

Didn't want to read and run. I don't have any similar experience. You do however come across as good person who is dealing with some very difficult things. I'm sure other people will be along shortly with good advice.
Maybe a chat with your gp or other support could help. Have you left school, is there any support available there?

Yes i am keeping the baby, I'm not asking for support in general I have enough of that (recently changed to a better midwife, who knows everything, Have refused social services involvement as i know i have everything I need with partner, his family, counselor and my sister) just wondering if anyone has any tips for coping with the judgement side of things regarding people judging my relationship thats all (but thank you for being concerned all the same) Also dont want to go into my education but I will say I left at 14 and will be going back (to college not school) in sept of 2017 where my LO will be old enough to use the on site creche, so i do have plans :) but thank you xx

People will always judge. Try being a woman in her mid to late forties having a baby. Plenty of judging with that one.

You will have to develop a very thick skin and choose your friends wisely. Accept all the help that is offered and ask when you need more. I would say this to any new mum regardless of her age and circumstances.

You have plans for the future. That's great. But I will say one thing. Going back to college when you have 1 child is ok. Hard, but ok. With 2 children, life gets a lot, lot tougher.

So don't be afraid to discuss long term contraception with your midwife for after baby is born. They will probably ask you anyway. It's not judging you, the ask all new mums about future contraception.

And congratulations

Not to sound rude but I dont think you get my point, I probably didn't put it across well enough I apologise, What I mean is people judging my RELATIONSHIP, not me as a mother, I can deal with the latter but the former seems much more personal, saying things like our relationship will never last my partner should be behind bars (Think SS and police have more to deal with than a 2year age gap, its BARELY illegal and not really CPS material), my partner is going to run a mile etc, we've only known each other 5 minutes (untrue and stupid to assume).

My mother-in-law was 16 when she had her first baby and the mother of one of my friends at school had been 16 when she had her and both were excellent mothers.

But yes, People will always judge when you are a parent, because are too young, too old, only have one child or have too many, breastfeed or because you don't breastfeed, etc. etc., you'll just have to develop a thicker skin.

You sound like you have your head screwed on, Random. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Thanks, needed to rant more than anything x

To be honest people say that about relationships in your teens regardless of whether you have kids. Because statistically they fail. I think, like others have said, its just learning to be confident in your relationship and getting a thick skin. I'm not sure there's any particular trick to it unfortunately.

Honestly?
An Internet forum is a great place to vent, so I'm not assuming that you do use the crystal ball comment out loud too often but I would say that one way NOT to handle judgement is being aggressive.

Partly because aggression is rarely a good move, but also because frankly it makes a person look really immature, and at your age that is I guess what you don't want to be judged as.

People shouldn't be commenting on how long you've been together / whether you'll stay together. It's not their business. But they will. And I'm only going to be as rude commenting as them, because you've brought it up. Fact is, at your ages, chances are you HAVEN'T been together long, and chances are you WILL split. I'm 40 and I've just split from my child's father... It's very common!

So my top tips for dealing with judgement are:

1. Stop thinking about it too much. If you do, you're going to start to see it where it isn't intended. If you're in a mindset where you expect to be judged, you may see it when it isn't there. Someone says "it'll be hard at your age" and your heckles will rise, when they're actually sympathetic not critical

1. Don't be aggressive. If someone says you won't last... get yourself a light stock response. If you're aggressive you'll seem immature. I'd just say "we might not, I hope we do though".

1. Try to get yourself to a position where you don't much care what others think! Seriously. The best way to cope with feeling judged, is to stop caring about it! You have to realise that all mums get judged. Don't take it too personally. Cos you know - if it wasn't your age, it'd be your feeding choice, or the name you chose, or the routine you used... you need to grow a nice thick skin and realise that it really isn't you, or even your age - it's them!

I don't have a baby as a teenager, but I did get a flat with my boyfriend when I was 16. Much less potential for judgement, but I guess there was some. I honestly couldn't give a flying fuck! Work on being confident in YOUR choices. The more confident you feel in yourself, the less you will care about being judged - and I suspect will then feel less judged. How to feel confident? Get help for any issues you do have - lean on professionals and grab any additional support offered. And surround yourself with like minded people. Which may be on here!!

Good luck with your pregnancy!

Well yes, your partner shouldn't be having sex with someone so underage - having sex under 16 is illegal and he's old enough to know not to.

That's not judgement, it's a fact.

You're going to give birth before you're even old enough to legally have sex so some 'judgements' are going to be about having such serious relationship stuff so young.

Trust me, when your kid is 14/15 you're not going to be wanting them to be having sex with older teenagers

You grow up really quickly at your age. My dd was 16 before the summer and over the last 4 months has grown up a huge amount.

Well you need to decide who you trust to guide you and advise you so therfore their judgement. Re other people outside you 'inner circle' just tell yourself they do not matter to you:

People will judge but these people are not important to you
You may think people are judging you when they are actually not, most people have their own shit to think about
If people do judge you and dont actually know you and your DP - well these cant be accurate because the simply dont know you.
I think you do have to be thick skinned and selfish. Just focus on yourself/baby/DP etc.
There are advantages to being young mum - remember these.
We live in a free society - people live all different ways and some days you just have to say 'fuck em' thats their choice and if they cant respect yours tough shit for them.
People judge all ages

But do be cautious - if people are kind, supportive but ask questions but seem ok dont be too defensive - but thats hard part of life isnt it, knowing who to let in.

Use this site - ton of knowledge and experience.

Random, people will judge over everything & anything ....
Keep your head high & ignore it , you have nothing to prove to anyone !!

My Dp & I met when we were young and are still together now over 20 years later !

It wasn't easy & we've had our ups & downs as do any couple , we were told it wouldn't last yet here we are still with our gorgeous family all these years later

There are couples who split but there are also couple who still love each other many years later & lead very happy lives .

Congratulations on the baby , I wish you all the best for the future .

Having read your post about it being to do with your relationship... You must have heard the phrase "pick your battles". I think that applies to comments on both your relationship and parenting.

Your boyfriend broke the law having sex with a 14 year old. There's no "barely illegal" about it. It was illegal.

There is no point in you getting into arguments with people about it. And you certainly won't close down judgement if you try to argue that it was barely illegal - it wasn't. He broke the law.

Should he be in prison? No.
Should CPS prosecute? No.
Are people unrealistic and out of touch if they think 14 year olds don't have sex? Yes.
Are they wrong for thinking it's illegal? No.
Should they be forcing their opinion on you? Hell no!

If anyone says directly to you about breaking the law, again I'd recommend you think up a stock response. And that might be "it's not your business and I won't discuss it". But don't waste your time getting into fights about it, or what is legal - the law is black and white in some respects.

Say "it is what it is and we are getting on with things fine/ok"

If they nosy just politely say "Id rather not talk about it/thats personal"

You dont have to justify yourself to anyone. You sound quite organised btw.

I agree with previous poster about not being overly defensive.
I feel for you, it's so hard not to be.
And you do need to protect and defend yourself.

But it will not help to be defensive all the time.

Even your comment above that it is stupid to assume you've only known him 5 minutes... Actually, I'd say that given how short most early teenage relationship are, it's actually the more sensible thing to assume - not stupid at all.

So if I say (and I wouldn't cos I'm not rudely intrusive ):
"Bloody hell, you're 15! You must have met him like 5 minutes before you got pregnant!"
You have a choice.
You can say and think that I'm stupid.
Or you can think that I'm making a pretty valid assumption and say "I know! We're unusual, we'd actually been together for 2 years before I got pregnant, which is pretty unusual at our age, isn't it?"

Being polite and friendly takes the wind out of a judgemental person's sails a lot faster than getting defensive!

It's perfectly valid to not respond at all when it's no-one else's business. But I do think you'll feel better if you are not constantly defensive.

grt advice cab

I'll be giving birth at 16 not 15, we didn't have sex while I was 14 but you're all pretty much spot on yes I agree that he still broke the law but be realistic there are criminals out there to catch for many different reasons and I dont think couples who are 15 and 17 should be at the top of any arrest lists! Its extremely silly when in the eyes of the law neither of you are even adults yet for people to think every 17 year old who has sex with a 15 year old is the next josef fritzel.
I regret to say I used to crystal ball comment 3 times, oops.
Its not THAT uncommon for teen relationships to last years, although I must say more common for them to breakdown sooner rather than later, it just isn't always the case.
sorry if I come across a bit stupid and whiny, Its a rant lol i'm not at my most logical and mature during those (when is anyone?) It just pisses me off when people think they have the right to assume things about me, I don't plan on claiming anything other than an education grant off college and possibly housing benefit when I do reach that age (partner on low income and I wont be working during the 3-4 years im at college) yet everyone says i'm going to start popping babies out like i'm a rabbit just for free this and that, when that isn't the case.
Same with protection how people assume I wasn't using protection, We used condoms EVERY time, i took the pill every morning without fail, but i was the unlucky 1% Who caught regardless. also when people assume I won't know who the father of my baby is, or that I have slept around. makes me very angry x

Also I know its a valid assumption to make, but it is incorrect and it wasn't said as in your example it was said in complete disgust, "you can't be in a good relationship you've known him all of 5 minutes", i guess that pissed me off as much as the assumption itself, i'm not generally overly defensive bordering on aggressive its just when im faced with multiple assumptions about myself, my life, my relationship and my child all in one go i can't help but be defensive, Really should just learn to not engage with these people but its hard x

You said in your OP that your sexual relationship started before you were 15, that's why I took it to mean that you had had sex at 14.

I've seen some of your other posts. You've had a lot to deal with, if you'll forgive the understatement. You also sound lovely, the way you talk about your baby, and pretty clued up about your options. Just work on that thick skin, and when you need to rant, do it somewhere safe like this! I really hope you can get some good real life support. Please don't feel you need to go it alone to prove some point. That goes for benefits too - make sure you get everything that you and your family are entitled, and screw whatever judgement you think people might make. You didn't plan this, I expect you'd be the first to say it isn't ideal. But there's no shame in it, so make sure you get everything available to help you that you can.

Another thing on the judgement... Have a think too about who you're surrounding yourself with. Who are these people judging you? Can you avoid them? You need people on Team Random right now :)
I'm not sure how much (from the way you're phrasing it) is actual things people have said out loud to you, and how much is what you thinking people are thinking about you.
If there are rude and negative people around you, try to work out some way to limit contact with them. For example, if you think antenatal classes will be like that, find out if there are groups for younger mothers.

All of this has been said to me at least once or twice before now by people in the place i used to live, but i still get it off strangers (we live in a tight knit community) when out and about, its like emmerdale around here except there are buses and a post office nearby in emmerdale. everyone knows when everyone else is taking a shit and what they dont know they will make up/assume then spread....