How to deal with judgement? bit of a rant (long)

[Random1999]

Hello Ive never posted on this group before. i'm 15 (16 in feb) my boyfriend is 17 (18 just after im 16) and im 16 weeks pregnant, due in march.
I met my boyfriend when i was 13, he was turning 15 at the time, we remained friends and supported each other when I was sexually attacked by a family member then when his mother lost her 4 year battle with cancer(sadly i never got to meet her), when I was 14 we got closer and became best friends, I stayed at his house when having to deal with the breakdown of my relationship with my mother and he was my only friend as I was his. around that time his father (in his 60's) became ill and unable to drive, work etc. we supported each other through everything, he settled in to being a full time carer (him the youngest child, the older ones didnt bother as they all have there own family etc and the nearest person is 10 miles away but doesnt drive) just a few months before i turned 15 we got into a sexual relationship. after he turned 17 he got his license and started working full time to support himself as his father was only on basic benefits (not sure which ones) and a state pension. my relationship with my mother hit the fan and abuse started, theres alot more to that story but this isnt the place for that.
about 2.5 months ago i discovered i'm pregnant, my boyfriend maxed the hours he could legally work and started advertising in post offices and on gumtree and such doing odd jobs and repairs (hes a mechanic) to bring in more money. he has honestly done all he can to support us as a family and I cannot commend him enough for that seeing as most 17yr olds are F..k and chuck.
I know im going to get shit as a young mother its obvious. I've had a fair few insults and such here. however one thing that bothers me is the assumption that we have been together/known each other for 5 seconds, that we wont last (we may not but who the fuck are you to tell me? Shove your crystal ball up your arse,is my reply) We are stronger than ever right now, we are partners not just in love but in life and we can get through this no matter how hard it is I guess i just need to rant/ask if anyone else has been through similar. I'm sick and tired of being patronized about everything... :(

Re: thick skins, OP. Don't be prejudiced about receiving benefits either, that is what they are for, helping people like you through the rough patches.

This huge prejudice against benefits is quite a recent thing. If you use them wisely you will probably end up repaying them several times over when you are on your feet.

if i need it i will claim it no matter, its the fact people ASSUME i will claim it annoys me x

Cab has it spot on. I would have advised the same only she did it much better.

If it is a small community, every time you get angry, and snap back, that reaction will just be spread around. And all those busy bodies will all nod their heads at each other in a knowing way.

This is life unfortunately. As another poster said people in their 40s are judged, single women in their 30s are judged. And then wait til you actually have the baby. Then you will be judged on the way you feed, the way you dress the baby, the way you discipline.

You have to develop a thick skin and not react. Because when you do react you confirm their judgement.

Get a stock response, what the others have suggested is great and then leave the situation. 'I had better go now, bye' kind of thing. They don't deserve any more of a response from you. And you won't be feeding their desires to judge.

In my experience the judgements never stop . You get judged if your a young parent , judged if your an older parent. Work full time or stay at home mum. Married or single. Fat or thin , love cats hate cats. It never stops.

As others say , respond politely , and make sure your not telling people things they don't need to know. The less they know the less they can judge.

We used condoms EVERY time, i took the pill every morning without fail, but i was the unlucky 1%

Sorry but I find it incredibly hard to believe you fell pregnant whilst taking the pill each day without fail and using condoms every single time.

Its not THAT uncommon for teen relationships to last years

It is very uncommon for teen relationships to last the distance, simply because people change so much from 17,18,19 way up until mid to late twenties. More than likely you will be a completely different person in 10 years time when you are 25. I look back at my boyfriend at 17 and imagine how crazy it would be if we were still together, how many opportunities and experiences I would have missed out on. How I wouldn't be where I am now with a partner that is so much better suited to me. But at the time I loved him to bits, thought we would be together forever, planned a life together etc.

Relationships you have when you are very young tend to come from friendships or just people in the some social group/area because you have no way of meeting people outside that little bubble. As you get older and move to a different town/go to uni/live in a house share/ go to work you meet some many different types of people and your world opens up and you see how in the past you picked the best out of a small crop, but out of the huge crop youve just uncovered the previous best actually appears middle of the road. IYKWIM by my incredibly crap analogy.

Anyway sorry just trying to address one of your points about why people don't think your relationship will last, is because, well, they usually don't.

But worrying about what other people think is really not worth you time or effort.

I did take the pill every single day at the same time, only once did I ever mess up on it and that was taking it 3/4 hours later than usual when I had a 12h window to do so. we still used condoms without fail. these things happen, not often i'll admit but they do and although yes its alot more common for teens to split up before they even reach 20 its not exactly uncommon (for me anyway) to see people in their 30's who've been together since 14-18, I can think of 17 couples in my mind but surely there are more. I do agree with you to an extent though and i know people change alot and its a possibility that we may not be together in 10 years.

its not exactly uncommon (for me anyway) to see people in their 30's who've been together since 14-18, I can think of 17 couples in my mind but surely there are more

Where the hell do you live??? That is such an unbelievable claim - Not saying youre lying but....

Put in to perspective I know one couple who got together at a young age and are still together now some 30 years later. By far the 'average' for people married/still together in their 30s/40s/50s are those that met in their mid/late twenties, not couples that met at 14. TBH when I think 'teen couple' I think of those that got together at 16/17/18/19 not 14/15 as it is so very young, just a child really. I have never, ever come across a couple who are still together after meeting at 14, so your claim seems bizarre to me.

Look you cannot predict the future anymore than I or anyone judging you can therefore you cannot outright say 'we will still be together in 10/20/30 years'. Just accept the fact that you more than likely won't and people will feel the need to comment about it for whatever reason. They aren't saying it solely to provoke/upset you, it is an assumption based on reality not just pulled out of thin air. Not to be patronising, as you get older you will see just how much of your time/energy/emotion is wasted concerning your self with what others think, it isn't worth it. Just brush things off as much as possible and you will be much happier rather than trying to come up with an answer to everyones critiques.

The teen couples that I have seen stay together past age 20 tend to be those with the kids as they stay together for the sake of the children. Don't know if that helps or not?

Out of interest you said you intend to drop out of school and return to college when your child is old enough for the creche. How do you expect to get into college without any GCSE's/qualifications?

For someone who is upset and aggravated about being judged it seems an odd choice to come onto an random internet forum where people tend to be even crueler than real life and air your dirty laundry.

I do know quite a few couples, and there is FAR more support here than there is judgement, although there are some who aren't the nicest. such is life. I stated I know there is a possibility we may not be together in 10 years time As I DON'T know if we will be, hell we may not be together in a years time, these things happen, but if no one can see the future, how can anyone say that we WONT be together in 10 years, as no one knows? to me its just as likely either way, and if our relationship does break down then I will cross the bridge when I come to it.
to your question, contrary to popular belief you do not need gcse's to attend college, it is level 2 and above you need gcses for and that is at your tutors discretion I will be applying for level one, then upon completion go into level 2, then 3 then onto a job or apprenticeship THEN into a job, depending on my options when I leave my level 3 course.

You're obviously bright, and I think that college on Level 1 is below your natural ability, based on some posts I've seen from you. Just a feeling - I'm not a teacher.
If you don't complete your GCSEs, then I can see why you're talking about Level 1 entry on "catch up".
But I wondered what advice you've had about your education?
Obviously with a baby due in February and little support from your mother you're not going to be doing a full GCSE programme.
But you mentioned that you've stopped going to school now I think, and it sounds like you're a full time carer to your father in law?
I really think you need to explore every option you can for education.
You have 4 months before baby is due, and you could possibly study part time when on "maternity leave" before your baby goes to college crèche.
It seems a shame that you should have to start at a lower level than your natural ability might suit.
It won't be the end of the world if you do... But I think it's worth exploring all your options.
There may be special units in your area for teenage / school age pregnancy, or even home tutoring available. You might find you could still manage one or both of the all important C grade Maths and English.
I think it's possible you'll be able to access more support whilst you are legally school age than later. You MUST take every bit of help you can!!

There are no teenage units. The only way I could do it would be to travel to another location, 30miles or so, to do my GCSE's privately, the cheapest I could do it would be 250 per gcse, there are no scholarships or fee waivers except one for the 10pounds admin fee.it isn't doable for me. I can't get there on exam days and I don't have that kind of money, Can't do them in college either, As if I did my GCSE's in college (20 quid a term not so bad) I could only do 2-3 a year so that would take me 2 years minimum to get it done then go onto level 2 anyway, I'd rather do one year level one then do level two and so on.

I think it is a bit unfair to assume the OP relationship has a particularly high chance of failing due to age alone.

I wouldn't say I know as many as 17 couples who've been together from teens to 40s but I know half a dozen and I am vair Middle class! My own parents were barely out of their teens and post retirement they are still really strong.

Yes you change a lot but isn't that true at almost any age? I am a completely different person at nearing 40 to the one DH married when I was nearing 30. Having kids has changed me a lot as has progressing my career, a lot of life experiences and water under the bridge.

I actually think that being committed to the idea of staying in a long term relationship might be nearly as important as being comitted to a particular partner. Not that I think you could just marry anyone but all relationships will have tough patches, you won't feel madly in love forever and sometimes what gets you through those parts is just that you promised and you think it's the right thing to do and some hope it will come right again!

OP I do hope that you prove the doubters wrong. That would be the best revenge of all.

It's not about being unfair, it's about reality. You know SIX.
Single figures. Out of how many young age relationships you've come across? Lots.
That's the whole point - the OP shouldn't take it personally if people think it's unlikely to last.

Of course it might, and I hope it does.

But I think notions of "revenge" are unhelpful for two reasons:

1. The best way to deal with judgment is not a revenge mindset, but an indifferent mindset. Do not give rude people the headspace of caring about revenge

1. There's a danger that someone might stay in a relationship that they shouldn't, to prove everyone wrong, to get "revenge".

I've been the minority in every single aspect of my life so far and I believe I may well be the minority as far as my relationship is concerned, I may not be but I will cross that bridge when I come to it. I guess I shouldn't be offended by the assumption, I just am I suppose, for some reason.

Oh look people are going to judge you and assume all manner of things about your life. They just are.

It doesn't matter. It doesn't mean they know anything about you, it means they jump to conclusions and assume they are right.

What can you do? Nothing. Just get on with your life.
I met my dh when I was 17. I'm 36 now and we are still together. We had our first child when I was 19. People assumed I was a single mum on benefits when I was actually living with my now dh and working full time, as was he.
When we had our second child a year later I had a lot of people ask me if my kids had the same father? Which was bizarre.

But it will happen. It shouldn't but it will. Getting upset or angry with it is a pointless exercise tbh. Just live your life

I agree with a PP's opinion that you're going to be a lot less stressed if you put the boxing gloves away and stop looking for fights. What you do or don't do is really nobody else's business. It's your life, so live it how you see fit. If you are directly challenged or insulted, defend yourself by all means. Otherwise, don't fall into the trap of thinking that everyone's talking about you, 'looking at you in a funny way' or making negative assumptions etc because the truth is they're probably far too busy with their own lives to give yours very much attention at all.