Please help me make a decision

[ShouldISellTheHouse]

I've name changed for this as I don't want exP reading it. But the breakdown of our relationship was discussed at length here and I got loads and loads of wonderful support. It's been 6 months now, since he left after I discovered his affair and it's been v difficult at times.
We have 2 dcs.
I hate the house we live in for a number of reasons, style, location, configuration, work that needs doing etc etc. I hated it when we moved in and it was the cause of many rows and much debt.
I put it up for sale 4 weeks ago and have had an asking price offer.
If I sell and give exP half equity I will never buy again as I will never afford it. If I don't I'll be stuck somewhere I hate and financially tied to him - and I despise him. But I'm going to need to house the kids, I don't think he should get 50% equity as I will need more to provide children with decent home, he only needs it to be good enough for overnight visits. We were not married, we both work ft, earn the same, he made equal contribution to house throughout. We both took equal debt when he left.
When I mentioned to him maybe not 50% he went mad, employing the old bullying threatening tactics he's fond of. Said he needs all the equity due to debt. Said I'll be ok (as I paid deposit and wisely protected that, though he is already downplaying how much I paid in by several grand).
Solicitor says he can't force sale until youngest 18 - 15 years away.
What should I do? Call it quits, or pull out and stay here with all the stress that entails? If I go I'll be freer of him and can maybe rent somewhere nicer. If I stay I'll be financially stronger but tied to him, though he's getting on in age and once he finds some other woman who will have him he will probably get off my back a bit.
Please help me decide

Whew, sorry that's so long. Any advice v welcome though. Please please please.

Wow - I'm not intending to be a"gold digger". I'm wanting to ensure our children have a decent home and are not materially affected by his infidelity.

AdmitYou, hopefully your boys will be the sort of men who don't cheat in the first place though, no?

And who, if they did, would give an actual shit about where their children would live once they fucked off with OW?

Gold-digger?! That's very harsh. OP just wants to provide a decent home for her kids.

I would sell if I were in your position, OP. 15 years is a long time to be tied to someone you despise.

Admit - it sounds as if they wouldn't have had a house at all if she hadn't put in the deposit - so who's the gold-digger?

OP don't listen to the nasty poster above.

I think I would sell in order to get out of the house you hate and be free of the ex. Is there any way you can still secure more of the profit since as you rightly say, you are housing the dc?

Even if not, it will be a real step in the right direction of moving on and living your life well.

Good luck to you.

Admit, so it would be alright with you if 'your boys' cheated on their partner and basically shit all over them as long as they get 'their cut'? Fuck that.....

You don't sound like a gold digger! The prospect of being 'free' is attractive but as someone who rents with two small children the uncertainty and fear of being asked to move out never goes away. If you are ok with that kind of payoff then it's what I would do. Is it impossible for you to buy him out and then sell it at a later date under your own terms seeing as you own the deposit?

Thank you, my heart is saying sell and move on. My friends and family are saying don't as there will be no security for the boys if I willingly sell up and go to rented, and no inheritance for them.

I would sell and make a fresh start away from someone you despise. otherwise it will be like a millstone around your neck for the next 15 years...who needs that.

You will then feel free. And to say if things will ease up when exP finds another partner is a bit naïve. The relationship I and my sons had with my exH/their father was very good for years [amicable divorce].....until the arrival of a bitter, jealous, vindictive, immature new woman. I just was grateful we split our house and finances well before that, so we could both have new lives.

She was an absolute nightmare.

OP sorry, posted too soon. You really need some proper legal advice - get some. I can totally understand you wanting to move. My situation was different in that I was married. I stayed in my old house for far too long, worrying about all of the things I knew would need doing in the near future.... I moved just under a year ago. It's the best thing I've ever done, a huge weight off my mind and I'm so much happier now. Good luck.

OP - how about making him an offer (via the solicitor if he's likely to play silly buggers later on)? Decide how much you think is a fair split (taking into account the correct amount of deposit) and say he can take it or leave it? As you say, at some point he'll probably decide he wants the cash for his own place. If you have an offer on the table, then give him a time frame for a decision.

I don't think i would be able to buy him out, it would mean a big bank loan on a place I hate to do it and then there's the concern that I wouldn't actually get a mortgage for what is owed on my own. Though it's something I've not really explored. Buy him out at 50% of equity?
Yes, it's the uncertainty of renting g which scares me and why I was so keen to buy after I had ds1, after renting for 10 years.

My mum suggested I go along with the 50% thing until it's all sold and money is in my account before negotiations re splitting it start? Bad advice?

If not a 50% split, how much is fair? There's 4 of us to house - 75/25? Somewhere in between?

If you have a joint mortgage, I don't think a solicitor will give you all the money to decided what to do with it. It would usually go into a joint account, so you need to settle the split beforehand and instruct the solicitor accordingly.

Ah, I didn't realise that. We don't have a joint account any more. Will that matter?

Not sure about what split would be fair - perhaps looking at how much it will cost to house you + 2DC and how much for him on his own in a flat/house with room for DCs overnight. You need more space and to be near schools/transport etc. Maybe looking at it that way, or ask the solicitor for advice.

Re the sale proceeds, you'll have to jointly instruct the solicitor how you want the proceeds split and where to pay each lump.

Sorry, x-posting.

He's already controlling me by stating he won't agree to sell the house unless I promise not to move away. I've promised that as - to be honest - I can't face any more trauma. I feel broken by it all, but I'm not from where I am now, my family is 30 miles away, and I'm not happy here really.

Thank you everyone for advice so far. Surprised by gold digger comment (especially as it was me who put all the deposit on this place and paid all the fees) - but everything else is being fully taken on board.

I would look at a starting point of 50 percent equity plus your deposit then seeing if one of your close family members would look into doing a buy to let for you ? You get secure housing for the duration needed plus you could have an agreement drawn up that the deposit was ring fenced for you ? You then are in a win win you can afford a better area that you want to live in buy to let's start at 20 percent down maybe a possibility ? Good luck

If you take the mortgage off the asking price and your deposit out first of the remaining equity the rest should be split 50/50. However he should also pay maintenance for the children. Have you taken that into account? Or if you could afford the payment yourself on another place could you get a guarantor "on paper"?

Just remember you can promise anything you like, but he can't hold you to it unless he can prove it.
But, again, speak to a solicitor. He can't lay terms and conditions on what you will do if he accepts a settlement.