Is there a term for when somebody gets cross or upset with you because of what they think you're thinking?

[BoldFossil]

i learnt about gaslighting and stonewalling here and I just wanted to google a bit about this.

I would call it " misunderstanding" myself. Why do you want to classify it? Wouldn't it be more constructive to think about better ways of communication with the person involved?

You mean when they assume the worst of you - that you have to be thinking bad, critical thoughts etc even when you're actually thinking about what you'll have for tea tomorrow? I don't think it has a name, but if you're with someone who routinely does it then it can't be good.

no it's more than that. it's why i've ended what was quite an intense relationship/ I met this man and i felt a strong connection, but I noticed that a few times he............... would get upset or indignant about what he thought i was thinking. Not massively, but I felt I had to set him straight and I felt like it was surprisingly hard, considering that I'm articulate and uncomplicated and honest.

it's been exhausting. but he can't understand it at all. he feels hurt by things I allegedly feel. It's hard to explain it.

Paranoia.

I think I know what you mean and it is exhausting. And unhealthy. It makes you walk on egg shells and second guess yourself. Well done for getting out, because he would never get it. Also I found myself starting to do it too, like it was normal. Not good at all.

Thank you. Even now he seems to be telling me that he never meant anything to me, that i can break it off with him after one falling out, but it's more than that. I have told him all along and even now that he did/does mean something to me but he seems determined to believe that I was playing with him.

It's normally a combination of projection and unkindness.

One of the generous kindnesses we offer in a good relationship is trying to assume the best of our partners. Part of love is trying to see the best in people and framing challenging behavior as vulnerable rather than nasty when we can and when it's not delusional to do so.

Often people who assume the worst about other people are actually projecting what their thoughts would be in the same situation, so revealing their own unpleasant traits. This is often true of possessive and jealous partners who are themselves controlling and compartmentalizing and more likely to stray and so assume the person with them is considering the same.

Occasionally it may be because they are projecting a parental figure onto their partner's behavior and associate silence with anger, for example, because that's how their mother expressed anger, and so on.

It's incredibly controlling behavior, OP. He's basically telling you what you feel through his entitled responses. It's an ugly quality and smack of narcissism. As if your existence is made up of what he thinks you feel which he is then going to punish you for.

He's still doing it, even though you've broken up with him. That's worryingly controlling. Step away. Stop being part of this dynamic.

yes, funny you should say that about projecting the parent on to their partner. I said something about the sacrifices of parenting and it really seemed to trigger something in him, that came from his own parents' parenting of him, it can't possibly have been that strong a reaction to my feelings about my own child.

It is a shame that he can't SEE this. This is why I'm splitting up with him. I'm not doing it for fun. I'll miss him. But instead of making me doubt my decision he turns around and tells me that he never meant anything to me. If he believes he knows what I'm feeling better than I do then I feel i've made the right decision. Even though he is mostly a v nice guy. A bit too sensitive.

It sounds like the right decision. Some people are so thin-skinned that they need to take the pain that other people cause them and 'own' it immediately, control it, name it, as it were. Even if that pain was not intentional, or imagined. If he expresses that he's 'known all along' that 'you never really cared for me' then he is both the victim in the situation, but also the wise, all-seeing god-like one. He gets to be wronged, yet also look powerful. He can shove that badness onto the other person, claiming they were so cold as to pretend to love someone they didn't. It's about being in control and not being vulnerable, whilst also playing the martyr. Quite a trick! I'm sure he's not a bastard. That's just a very emotionally immature mindset to deal with, and it'll be a technique he's developed to protect himself since youth.

Thanks. yeh, that's a good analysis there. It's a shame. He thinks he's so wise and self-aware. and in some regards he is. Not wrt this though!

It's a shame he can't SEE this. But i can't stick around. I feel bad even though I know I shouldn't. I haven't done anything wrong! I told him he was doing it and he didn't hear it, and then he compounds it by telling me I never cared about him and that I was playing with him. Argh. Good bye. :-/

It was called "mindreading" in CBT

It's very glib of him isn't it - dismissing all your struggles leading up to the decision to split, as 'you never cared about me'. No, I cared a lot, but I gave up the struggle when it was clearly futile - I suppose that's too hard for him to acknowledge. I hope you can hold on to this understanding and the knowledge that you did the right thing - his response simply confirms that really, doesn't it?

yes. I know I've done the right thing. The temptation to try and make him understand is still there but I expressed myself quite honestly and clearly the first four or five times, so I know it would be pointless.

Deluded.

In answer to the OP!

It also extends the cycle. If you explain how you feel to him, he gets to translate that into his own narrative of how you feel which you then challenge and so on, so that a relationship of sorts is maintained. Which might be what he wants.

Self-awareness is often a by-word for those people who are extremely tightly tied to their own narrative of who they are. These people are actually quite controlling and fragile and do not react well to having that narrative challenged or explored. But they can be nice to be around because their certainty makes them seem rock-like and wise. But like straight trees that eventually break in the wind rather than bend in it, people who act very sure of 'who they are' are often actually just clinging very very tight to their story about themselves. True wisdom and self-awareness comes from an understanding that much is unknown, including yourself, that you may surprise yourself, and other people may too.

Now he's texting me saying 'how could i believe a word you say when you spent x years with somebody you didn't love'. (my x, children's father). I did spend years with him when i didn't love him but it was out of fear, low self-esteem, isolation, having nowhere to go and no money when i got there. I did in the end leave and I've never regretted it. I totally rebuilt my life. I'm financially secure now. How dare he rake over things in my past that I'm at peace with. I'm angry now. I said that in a text, 'i'm at peace with my past' and he replied 'don't contact me again'. OKaaaaay, so after he's texted me to let me know that he's demonised me, then I@m not to contact him again. Ok, well that's me off the hook.

God I had no idea he was such a fuckwit

I think it's called "Being a twat"

yupp, apparently I'm deluded. fgs. I was itching to tell him to have a few sessions of psychotherapy. I know it would seem really really mean, but he could do with it. I would like to see him deal with life's slings and arrows a bit better than this.

I'm out of it now though. Seriously.

Cognitive Arseholeance is what we've dubbed it. A combination of him being an arsehole and Cognitive Dissonance.

I get exactly what you are talking about.

He had to have the last word.

Let it be the last word. Sucks, I know, but just leave it.

Sorry you went through that, but congratulations on spotting the "mind games" (aka emotional abuse) and not putting up with it.