Pornography and trust

[heinrichvonkleist]

I'm not a prude and although I am not a fan of pornography personally I wouldn't condemn anyone who needs it.

And here's the 'however' part ... I met my husband only 2 years ago, we got married in June this year, we're a mature couple - he has grown up kids and I have a 12 year old. We both came out of long term relationships which had lots of problems and no intimacy for years so meeting each other has been a revelation. But I discovered he is accessing porn sites when I'm at work, quite regularly and, as an intelligent woman, I feel I shouldn't care. But I am devastated. I also discovered a very flirtatious email conversation with someone he previously met on an internet dating site.

I am now torn between feeling like I've been very stupid to trust someone so quickly and between feeling like I don't know what I'd do without him. I can't get it out of my head though and I find I'm reading things into everything he says now and looking for signs of betrayal. It's not good. I'm very ashamed of myself.

I have talked to him about it and he was very upset that I'd found out, has said it doesn't mean anything to him and promised it won't happen any more. His only excuse for looking was 'boredom' - not with me (he says) but just being bored during the day (he's home a lot at the moment). In relation to the flirty email he said it was vanity but he had no intention of meeting up with the woman.

I am struggling a lot and finding it extremely difficult to regain trust in him. This all happened in July and I am still getting upset about it. Can I move on? Am I being ridiculous?

Any advice is very gratefully received, thanks x

To use some of your phrases...

I am not a prude, but as an intelligent woman I'm not a fan of pornography and feel that I should care about porn and its effects on individuals and society.

Also, I sometimes get bored during the day. I do not email exes for sex talk.

I do care about it and its effects on Society actually but I didn't want to get into that here particularly although I can ...

I agree with what you say about boredom and I've said that to him - if you're bored go for a walk. Why do something damaging to someone you say you love just because you're bored?! I think he doesn't want to tell me the truth and I don't want to hear it because it means he's not sufficiently attracted to me and needs to 'shop around.'

The email to the other woman wasn't 'sex talk' - she contacted him to ask if he'd like to meet up and he basically strung her along that he might, didn't mention he was married although he did say he had a 'partner.' He was keen to see her photo but he broke the conversation off when she said she'd send it in the evening, probably because he knew I'd see it.

I don't want to hear it because it means he's not sufficiently attracted to me and needs to 'shop around.'

I don't understand how you come to that conclusion.

Vivacia, I reached that conclusion because there is no way he should be bored so early on in our relationship unless I am sexually unsatisfying.

Back2Two. I hate to hear you say that but I am feeling that way. Especially so early on.

He isn't bored with you FFS. He wants to have his cake and to eat it. It's not about your sexiness - it's about he views relationships and the purpose of women.

He experiences one hour of boredom and behind your back he's looking for titillation.

Those two things are separate issues? Looking at porn for me personally isn't an issue, it doesn't mean that he is less attracted to you. He just likes to see others naked. Ethical issues aside..

The emails with someone else is more of a problem as that does mean that he wants to have some 'fun' outside of being with you. So I would make sure that he stops that and that you express again how unhappy this makes you feel.

Heinrich it has nothing to do with how attractive he finds you. It's not about him being bored with you, or generally.

His behaviour is a simple demonstration of the fact that he sees women as objects that exist to meet his needs, and not as real people.

When he was messaging OW it wasn't because he was looking for new, or better than you.

It's just he feels entitled to be married to you and dick around with OW as well.

I think the lying is the most hurtful thing to me. Because we're a mature couple and we've both experienced deceit in our previous relationships I really did feel I could trust him and I did trust him. I would never have got married otherwise, particularly as I wouldn't want to put my daughter through any more upset.

He lied to my face about the email, that really hurts me. In fairness, he said he was 'unlikely' to be able to meet, he did say he had a partner as well. But he did lie to me and he did flirt with her, saying he was 'intrigued' and I can hardly bear to say this but he said there were no children involved with his new partner. He would argue and say he meant he hadn't had any with me but really you would think he would have said he was living with me and my daughter. If it was so innocent as he makes out.

But what do I do? Are these things bad enough to break everything off?

He's just being a shit. He's testing the waters and seeing what he can get away with. Most people would say, "I'm a very lucky man, happily married and even have a new daughter. How old are your children?".

No, it doesn't make me respect him at all. I've never understood or respected men who flirt with anything available and always really respected men who openly show they are happy with their partner.

I don't think porn is about seeing other people naked. He says it's about watching the mechanics of the act, how it happens, the scenarios. He says he doesn't even often particularly enjoy it. I'm saying 'he says' but I'm not at all sure I believe him.

Not too sure which women's magazines you've been looking at Back2Two ... mine normally have clothed people.

Vivacia, that's exactly what I said. Why isn't he over the moon about his new life? It's so depressing and I feel like an idiot.

Men look at pornography because they can. It has nothing to do with their relationships or how they feel about them. In their minds it's entirely separate and a solitary wank is not the same as enjoying a fulfilling sex-life with their partners, just different.

He was enjoying the idea of flirting with this other woman but that doesn't automatically mean it was going to go any further than a bit of typing.

I wouldn't be overjoyed by either of these. I think you need to make it clear to him that you have a tipping-point. Just don't tell him what that tipping-pint is to keep him on his toes.

I agree with you Back2Two. However, I'm not entirely sure why people do watch it either, if they're in a loving relationship with lots of good physical contact.

"Really? Any advert for perfume, clothing....um, even mineral water at the moment. There are masses of pictures of semi clad women ....and men. My point was..... The average person does NOT watch pornography only to see the human body naked. Fact."

These static images aren't really going to hit the spot if what you want and need to see is a bit of the old in-and-out. Well, not in the mags I've seen, any road.

Thanks Bitter. Well I very nearly reached my tipping point over this. The thing is we have committed so much to each other now, my daughter is attached to him strongly and we are moving into our own place in a month or so. I can't bear to give all this up. At the same time I can't get it out of my mind and I go backwards and forwards all the time.

loving relationship with lots of good physical contact

Porn isn't about love or good physical contact.

Also now because I've gone on about it so much he is refusing to discuss it any more. It is almost becoming like it's my problem for being upset and not getting over it. The apologies have stopped and he's slipped into defensive mode. We have reached a stalemate.

Did you mean you'd only known him two years or only been married two years?

Vivacia - so do you think then that men look at porn to get a glimpse of the things they can't do with their partners? The things they fantasise about?

We met in November 2012 and we got married in June this year.