Pornography and trust

[heinrichvonkleist]

I'm not a prude and although I am not a fan of pornography personally I wouldn't condemn anyone who needs it.

And here's the 'however' part ... I met my husband only 2 years ago, we got married in June this year, we're a mature couple - he has grown up kids and I have a 12 year old. We both came out of long term relationships which had lots of problems and no intimacy for years so meeting each other has been a revelation. But I discovered he is accessing porn sites when I'm at work, quite regularly and, as an intelligent woman, I feel I shouldn't care. But I am devastated. I also discovered a very flirtatious email conversation with someone he previously met on an internet dating site.

I am now torn between feeling like I've been very stupid to trust someone so quickly and between feeling like I don't know what I'd do without him. I can't get it out of my head though and I find I'm reading things into everything he says now and looking for signs of betrayal. It's not good. I'm very ashamed of myself.

I have talked to him about it and he was very upset that I'd found out, has said it doesn't mean anything to him and promised it won't happen any more. His only excuse for looking was 'boredom' - not with me (he says) but just being bored during the day (he's home a lot at the moment). In relation to the flirty email he said it was vanity but he had no intention of meeting up with the woman.

I am struggling a lot and finding it extremely difficult to regain trust in him. This all happened in July and I am still getting upset about it. Can I move on? Am I being ridiculous?

Any advice is very gratefully received, thanks x

No-one actually needs pornography, OP.

If you deleted all the porn from this world, not a single person would drop down dead.

Hi H… Just read through your post. Firstly, am sorry to hear that you've been made to feel this way. I am a single Mum, in my early forties, with daughter of 15. I have been cheated on, but remain philosophical and hopeful that there is somebody out there for me, somewhere. THAT ASIDE… I am going to be a little bit controversial here. I see no harm in porn. It's merely for stimulation and titivation. I watch it myself and have no shame in saying so. I really don't think that is the real issue here… It's the email and how this has made you feel. Do you believe what he told you and do you think you can trust him? Ask yourself that and listen to your gut response, whilst putting aside all previous experiences with former partners… (not easily done, I know). If you think you can forgive him and trust him, then park this and view this as a blip. For the sake of your own sanity. Going back to the stimulation part… Two years in to a relationship, let's be honest, this is when the honeymoon period can begin to dwindle. IF your relationship got off to a pretty hot start in the bedroom and things have tapered off there, then THIS is likely the root of the issue (for him). I am sure that he still finds you sexy, but your sexy may not be coming out to play much these days? You may think that you have a fulfilling physical relationship, but simply put, most men are not satisfied with just the cuddles and tactileness that a committed relationship brings. Just a suggestion here, but why don't you email him… during the day, when you know he will be home reading it at home alone. Make it a bit saucy and suggestive… Send him alluring pictures if that's your style. Dust off the sexy underwear… Do unexpected and spontaneous things that will make him see you as the sexual and feminine woman you are. It can only serve to make you feel good about yourself and I BET he will love it too!!! In conclusion, I have to say, anyone who says sexiness and excitement isn't sustainable or important in a relationship is full of sh*t. It's as much about self-love as it is keeping our partners satisfied. We are all guilty of letting things slip at times…. but all good things need to be worked at. Hope this helps! Just don't allow yourself to continue to feel bad. You don't deserve that!

I don't know anything about porn sites and so I don't know why he chose this one, I would have to ask him. I get the feeling he doesn't like the breast-enhanced US ones but more the 'home movie' style. Incidentally all 'incest' videos on there are simulated between a real life partner of, usually, older man and younger wife. Not condoning it because it's still a sick fantasy but it's not real father and daughter stuff.

Leesaleesa, I appreciate your comments. This is quite difficult to summarise because, despite everything, I still feel very faithful to my husband. We make love almost every night and some mornings (when there's time). I had such a long time without a sexual relationship and I am a very tactile and physically affectionate person. I love having sex with him, I could do it more than we do but because he is 10 years older than me he can't do any more than he does. I have suggested sexy underwear but it usually seems to put him off. I think his fantasy realm lies beyond what he does with me and with me he enjoys the close emotional kind of love making if that makes sense? It's the compartmentalising things again I guess - sexy women and wife woman. The sexy women are maybe attractive but scary? I'm safe and available and so therefore ... boring?

I really don't know.

I don't think he's the only one compartmentalising. It sounds as though you're accepting of his porn habit and will allow him the odd flirty email with other women. Fair enough.

Good Luck to you.

I don't think that's fair actually. I just had a blazing row with him about it again. I absolutely do not accept it and trust for me is broken now. How to move on from it in any way is the problem as I have my daughter to consider.

He lied to you, repeatedly, when you challenged him. That alone raises a LOT of red flags. Sorry.

What would be helpful to you now? You appear to be seeking advice on how to trust someone who has proven himself untrustworthy.

The way to work towards moving on, is to be clear in what you're moving towards.

Where are your boundaries? It's one thing to say you don't accept the behaviour, another to appreciate you deserved them to be respected and the consequences to your relationship of that.

What next for you?

I honestly don't know what next. I know he feels wretched but I don't think he feels as wretched as I do.

I want to forgive him because I want to be with him because things seemed so good. I don't know whether I can forgive him, I know I won't ever feel as secure as I did before. I've told him things will never be the same now - because we're both older we'd gone into this as our lifetime partnership. This is the first time he's been married, for instance. Everything seemed so good.

Practically speaking I have no personal money. I moved from social housing to be with him and we're now buying a place together. He cleared all of my financial debts and the new place will be in both our names. I've never owned a place. He has given my daughter and I the security I was never able to provide to her as a single mum - her dad is basically a loser who ripped me off continuously.

I am in an extremely vulnerable position with not a lot of alternatives right now.

If you want to leave..... Don't stay with him for money reasons, it's not fair on either of you.

H, you certainly don't sound boring… Are you projecting that on yourself because you are feeling vulnerable? The key here is to get yourself on an even keel. Do whatever you have to do to get your head straight. I appreciate that your husband is offering you future financial security, but your daughter needs her Mum to be happy more than she needs anything material. Sounds like you were doing a very good job before your husband came along… Anyway, I digress… You can't keep going over this. It's been nearly three months. You either accept his explanations to be truthful (and trust that he said he won't do it again) and move on, or you have some time apart to sort your head out. Having blazing rows about it now is just going to continue to make you both feel wretched, as you are just going over and over the same ground… Perhaps some kind of couples therapy might help?

Fifi, I couldn't stay for money reasons alone. I very much need a partner - financial security helps but is not enough on its own.

Leesaleesa, a brief time apart would be ideal but I don't know how to manage it practically. I go up and down like a yoyo about it. Sometimes I forget about it and then I get upset again. We started seeing a councillor about the porn stuff but honestly it was so pathetic what she had to say that it wasn't worth the money. It's hard to find a good one.

Also, another thought…. Could he perhaps feel that he can't offer YOU enough sexually? Sounds a bit Freudian, and turned on it's head, I know… but it kind of sounds like he can't keep up with your needs, maybe? Does he seem a bit uncomfortable talking to you about his sexual desires? (just wondering as you said he seemed a bit turned off when you suggested sexy underwear…) He could just be a little embarrassed…

Sorry! Messages crossed there…. Hmmmm. I understand that it's difficult with the practicalities of spending time apart. Especially with your daughter being at home…. I wouldn't be rash either. Like I said before, you really do need to get your head straight before you make any big decisions. What does your GUT INSTINCT say H? Are you calm enough to listen to it?

Leesaleesa, you are partly right in that. He worries about that. He doesn't like to feel under pressure sexually and sexy underwear leads to expectations. He suffers from low confidence too.

I can't be rash. My daughter adores him - he helps her with homework, makes her laugh and, up until now, she's seen him making me very happy. Our lives were not good before and I was stressed and irritable.

My gut instinct is conflicted. On one hand I can not imagine life without him whilst on the other I feel that his stupid behaviour recently is going to happen again and I don't want to deal with it if it does. Nor do I want to spend my life looking over my shoulder, checking his emails and feeling insecure.

For me, anyone over the age of 18 who regularly uses porn has a real problem, porn has absolutely nothing to do with normal human being having normal sexual relationships - it's as unrealistic as you can imagine.

What you have here is a trust issue and a man who is disrespecting you.

Jan45 - how about people who read erotic fiction? Do you think people should stop reading that, as well, because it gives 'unreaslistic' views of human behaviour?

OP: your problem is nothing to do with porn. I think your partner reckons he's bought you - he's paid off your debts and owns the house you live in. He's not bothered about having sex with you - what he wanted/wants is a grateful housekeeper who will help him appear as a RespectableMarriedMan to his friends and family. He fancies having a selection of other women to have sex with but he wants to be sure the one he selected as Wife stays put, doing his housework and (hopefully) minding him in his dotage. So he picked a woman who he hoped would be vulnerable enough to put up with such an arrangement.

Jan, the lack of respect bothers me a lot.

SGB - well maybe except he's the housekeeper as he's home most of the time, does all the housework, shopping and half the cooking. I go out to work part time and work at home part time. We share looking after my daughter. We do have sex a lot which is why I don't understand why he felt a need for porn. He hasn't had sex with other women, except virtually in his imagination (which hurts enough as it is).

I don't think anyone here can presume to know what your husband is like, H, as a human being, or what he wants from your marriage. You've known him and lived with him for two years. You should, by now have a good measure of the man. He suffers from low confidence you say… OK, well that explains a fair bit. He may have not have seen any harm in replying to that email from the other woman (AT THE TIME), as it was an ego trip for him and he knew it wasn't going to go anywhere. He WAS, however, playing with the other woman, which does elude to a lack of respect for woman-kind, in general… but again, I can't presume to judge him on that. He clearly knows now that, even if it was all done in innocence, he has hurt the one person he did not want to hurt at all. You BOTH have history… We don't get to mid-age without some baggage. He suffers from low self-esteem / confidence and is feeling that pressure that falls upon a man who "reaches a certain age" and may have some difficulties in performing sexually, all of the time. You understandably also have trust issues, since he's exhibited signs that he thinks about sex when you aren't around. I am sorry to say this, but MOST guys and ALOT of women fantasise about sex with other people. It doesn't mean that they want to go out and be unfaithful. I once read an article by a psychotherapist which explored what fantasy was about… She stated that it was a healthy mind that allowed itself to fantasise about things that they knew they would definitely NOT do in real life… It's merely the mind exercising it's imagination. So… H…. Simply put, you either ACCEPT that your husband had no intention of hurting you, or of being unfaithful, but was exercising those private thoughts… OR you walk away…. I can't advise you on which route to take, but if I were you and if EVERYTHING else about your husband suggests that he is a good and loving person who wants to share is life with just you, then I would take a chance… Open yourself back up and trust him to come through for you.

Thank you Leesaleesa, you've given me a lot to think about ...