If you've had an arguement, do you find it easy to have sex without it being resolved?

[funkypigeon]

I find it very difficult to detach from an unresolved argument and get physical afterwards, like the next day for example.

I know men do detach and sex for them is simply a 'need' whereas women need to feel connected and loved.

I find it difficult if hurtful things have been said to simply carry on as normal, but when I do, I find it diffuses anything and helps the situation overall. It's still annoying though and breeds resentment.

Tell me how you cope with that, and if you find it easy or not to just be normal after an argument.

I would need it to be resolved , but we both apologise very quickly after an argument and then forget about it.

No and doing something that will breed resentment will not help AT all and will put me off sex even more which is even harder to come back from.

Argue. ..say hurtful things.... apologise for saying hurtful things/being stroppy/shouting....., make up.....have sex.... Seems a better way to do things I find. I don't like leaving things unresolved. Occasionally I have to if DH needs time to think, or is too tired to argue, but we won't have sex til we've resolved things somehow.

Easy? No. Not even possible, frankly.

Hmmm, sometimes if we haven't resolved something but it's been a few days, and things are thawing out, we might have sex and it helps things along. I would usually announce sometime during the act that I'm still officially annoyed, but not in a bitchy way.. When you've been married a long time, you sort of accept that not every argument is going to get resolved. And sometimes I want sex.

'Unresolved argument' is just another way of saying... 'still annoyed'. I don't generally have sex with people I'm annoyed with and would take a dim view if they thought I should.

Why does this person think you should just get over it and carry on as normal? Sounds like they don't take you very seriously.

"I know men do detach and sex for them is simply a 'need' whereas women need to feel connected and loved"

This kind of stereotyping is not helpful. 'Needs'? If you're hacked off, his 'needs' are neither here nor there.

Same as CogtioErgoSometimes

Instinctively I feel there is more to this. Is this man abusive to you or very disrespectful? Are your needs being met by him?

Sex isn't a need. If he 'needs' something I'm sure he knows where the bathroom and the tissues are.

I never have sex with DH while annoyed with him, while things are unsaid or feel bad between us. I do make sure that we clear up rows quickly. We don't have to agree but we have to treat each other with respect and love, even when we are really pissed off.

I think sex in a marriage is about connection and love, regardless of the genders.

Why are you having sex that makes you feel resentful?

I wouldn't want sex to have sex that wasn't fun and satisfying. Hell, nowadays 90% of the time I don't want to have sex that isn't loving and tender.

Arguments should be resolved and not swept under the carpet. If your way of resolving matters is to have sex first then sort out the argument afterwards, then fine. But leaving matters unresolved and just giving in to his "needs" suggests doormat. Sounds as though you are avoiding confrontation at the expense of your own happiness. I prefer not to go to bed on an argument......meaning I want it resolved before I go to sleep. When it hasn't been resolved the next day it just builds more resentment from me

But leaving matters unresolved and just giving in to his "needs" suggests doormat

That's not the word that comes to my mind.

I couldn't have sex with DH if I was really angry with him.We don't row much and make up quickly. If I am still a bit niggled after that, I would have sex- it helps get past silly rubbish and re-connect us. But not if I was really pissed off with him.

^^ What Lulu said, exactly.

Mind you, an argument with someone else, with DH firmly on my side - that makes for amazing sex

If I am still a bit niggled after that, I would have sex

Do you really think that's the situation behind the OP's post? Somebody who has great sex despite being still a little bit peeved?

I can separate the two things quite easily in my head, it's not really a masculine trait.

Firstly come away from this idea that men and women have set roles in terms of sex and ways of relating to it - that's just a convenient myth and means nothing in reality. Some people separate sex from emotions/feelings, some don't.

I would say the most important factor (for me) in wanting to have sex is feeling safe and secure. So it really depends what the argument topic was/is. When I went off sex with various exes, I didn't realise at the time why it was but looking back the common thread in all of those relationships was that I no longer felt safe. If your partner is causing you hurt, it's natural not to want to expose yourself to a very vulnerable action like sex. That's a good instinctive response there and you should be listening to it.

If I'm annoyed with dh I don't want him to touch me. Any issues are resolved before any physical contact.

If it's a silly argument where we've had a minor disagreement about something then we just make up and forget about it, all hard feelings aside and have sex without an issue.

My problem is that he said some things yesterday which really hurt me. That I don't listen to him, and do as he's asked me. Some examples could be home from a night out at a certain time, not being good with money, buying stuff which he doesn't approve of. He said that I have never listened to him and that I'll never change.

I felt this was so unbelievably unfair as I do my best to please him and he does stuff for me too. But I just can't get it out of my head that he feels this way. Almost like I'm not being obedient.

I suppose he can have sex easily because he believes he's right about what was said. I don't think he's got any idea that I'm still upset about this.

Funky don't let anyone on this planet say things to you that hurt you. You don't listen to him and do as he asked, you don't come home at a certain time and buy things he doesn't approve of. Seriously!!!! Anyone that expects you to be obedient to them needs to be told where to go. DO NOT PUT UP WITH THIS ABUSE! Please post to say that you have dumped him.

OP adults decide for themselves what time they'll be home. Something makes me suspect that you're not exactly rolling home at 3am with him phoning the hospitols because he expected you home at 1am.

Adults decide for themselves how they spend their own money or a tenner from the joint account. Something makes me suspect that you're not blowing £100 of the food budget on a handbag.

I suspect you don't want to have sex with him on these occasions because it's not about fun or pleasure or love. It's about him controlling you.

funky your last sentence is key. Why on earth doesn't he "have any idea" that you are upset?

You need to communicate, he's not a mind reader.

"You said xxx, it made me feel yyyy" you need to discuss and resolve the issue otherwise it will fester.

And no, in this house no angry sex.