If you've had an arguement, do you find it easy to have sex without it being resolved?

[funkypigeon]

I find it very difficult to detach from an unresolved argument and get physical afterwards, like the next day for example.

I know men do detach and sex for them is simply a 'need' whereas women need to feel connected and loved.

I find it difficult if hurtful things have been said to simply carry on as normal, but when I do, I find it diffuses anything and helps the situation overall. It's still annoying though and breeds resentment.

Tell me how you cope with that, and if you find it easy or not to just be normal after an argument.

we argue a lot about trivial things, and don't specifically sit down and resolve things, but we do have sex which is both us kind of apologising without actually saying the words.

I think he is controlling. He also says one of us has to be the leader and the other the follower. Looks so silly written down.

No, I cannot at all. No way. If my head is annoyed, it's not going to happen.

When I communicate tht he has hurt me, he says it's the truth so why does he need to be sorry? His truth, that is. It's what he believes is right and it doesn't mean that he loves me any less or that I have to dwell on it, he says. I asked him what his problem was exactly and he answered with the above. But it's kind of got a 'let's just get on with it' feel, as if even though I'm upset, he's had his say and that's that as far as he's concerned.

If my head is annoyed, it's not going to happen.

This. In a previous relationship we fell out a lot. The words, "Don't touch me" were said weekly.

funky err no. Just no. Married couples (or committed couples of any kind in fact) are partners.

Funky sweetheart this isn't how it's meant to be. .

What he said may be true but if that is the case he sits down and discusses any issues he has with you nicely and you work out how to resolve. He doesn't get to decide the prevailing version of the truth.

I guarantee this is not how he interacts with people in his other relationships.

In your position I'd be considered my options quite carefully I think.

Do you have anyone in RL to talk to?

He also says one of us has to be the leader and the other the follower.

Well, yes in some fucking religious regime.

He also says one of us has to be the leader and the other the follower. OK. That is abusive. I take it there is no way in the world you get to be the leader... Why not? Because he is controlling and abusive would be my guess.

Ok, strike my slightly flippant post. Me and dh sometimes have terrible rows, but he's not trying to control me.

I couldn't stay with someone who believed I should be his "follower". I mean, FFS! That's just... wow.

You deserve better, OP.

"I suppose he can have sex easily because he believes he's right about what was said."

This is what I was trying to get at. It doesn't make a difference if he's angry, the fact is he feels perfectly safe and secure. He's put himself in a position where he's in charge and you're a naughty child who needs to be brought back into line. He thinks you don't "do as he asks you". He is seeing this as something where he is perfectly entitled to tell you what to do.

Honestly I would not want to be in a relationship where I was just a follower. I wouldn't like to be a leader, either. That sounds awfully lonely. I like this article which compares healthy relationships to being co-pilots, that sounds perfect to me. www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/relationships-in-a-nutshell-co-pilots-drivers-passengers-and-the-importance-of-a-joint-agenda/