I słept in the spare room last night ..

[Mrsgrumble]

I don't know fully what's making me unhappy but heavily pregnant with a baby and dh spends all day yesterday on hobbies etc and watching his favourite programmes last night. He does chip in to do a bit of work but goes to his parents all day sat. Gives me the impression they are elderly. Then I find out he has taken himself off for the day to relax and I am not well and left a home with a baby crying.

I can't even look at him. Is this my life now? When baby 2 comes he will carry on the same. When we married initially he spent all Sunday morning running but I knocked that on the head an told him to help a bit more. He got up I baby this morning. I am thinking of going into the city centre for the day and getting away. No way do I feel like cooking and cleaning again.

He often says his mother did all and never complained. She got married 45 years ago and didn't work. I am the main financial provider here

Sorry.. Me again

Dh is not really saying anything. I am so annoyed. I have no one I can talk to in real life. Close friends have drifted since I had the baby. Siblings wouldn't care. I don't know what to do. Mil will rang during the week to see how I am and I am honestly going to tell her I am very unhappy.

Dh doesn't get it at all.

If I say anything to him there is just silence.

I spent most of last night and this morning on my own. Ate dinner out. Walked around town with baby on my own as my mum fell asleep when i arrived home and dad glued to tv so i left. we had supper together and now feel like going up on my own again for the evening.

Don't want to resign myself to this life but I have no interest anymore.

Well. Yes - he wants to make you miserable, to punish you for stepping out of line. I would go out again if you want to, why not? And tomorrow start reconnecting with old friends, start rebuilding some semblance of your own life.

You need an equal division of labour with allowed time for hobbies and leisure for both of you. DH and I both worked full time and we raised 2 children. He has a very time consuming sport hobby, involving travel, equipment set up, participation, breaking down, coming home and inspecting and putting up equipment. He also belonged to a club that met every other week. He still managed to pull his own domestic weight because he felt that it was his responsibility as a partner in our marriage. My hobbies didn't really take me out of the house & weren't as time consuming as his but we always made sure I had time to do them plus one weekend day as 'family day'. I'd say I probably did 10% more in the home but it was something I actually enjoyed doing (cooking).

Did our marriage start out that way? No. I was "Mrs Newlywed" anxious to show off my domestic skills to my new husband. Then life (and children) happened and I realized I was pretty much doing it all (well, he did mow the lawn lol). But I decided early on that I wasn't going to keep my resentment in and just carry on. Some heated discussions (including the famous 'my mother did it all', is there any wife who hasn't heard this?) and we hashed out a more equitable arrangement.

You've let things go on and on. It's always harder to stop a flood than a trickle. You have two choices; either you demand he buck up and become a full partner or you leave. To 'suck it up' is not a choice, it's a life sentence of misery and resentment. You deserve much better than that.

Thank You so much, leaving isnt an option but I'm so hurt. When we married first I was eager to do it all.

I am ashamed to say that I came out if a very long term relationship and treated badly (not abuse but ignored etc) and was just glad to meet someone, get married and have family before my late 30s.

I do regret a bit that it wasnt a mad fairy tale for me. My mother resents the fact I married and hasn't made it easy. Dh kept saying on the lead up I the wedding that he wasnt going to hang around the house all the time. I should have seen the signs then.

I am willing to work at it but he doesn't get it. He isn't teaching me lessons, he just came from that type of family. Mummy is god.

I'm not sure how you're going to fix this if leaving isn't an option. He emphatically will not change, and he doesn't care how upset you are, as long as he gets his own way. If he doesn't believe you're prepared to end this unless he shapes up, he won't.

Leaving is ALWAYS an option. Whether you choose to do it or not is up to you. Women have left with no cash and nothing more than the clothes on their backs and a few nappies and bottles. And they have survived and, in most cases, thrived because they are now happy. In my first marriage I also said 'leaving isn't an option' because in my family "One simply does NOT get a divorce. One simply smiles and keeps quiet". But I finally realized that my happiness (and physical wellbeing) was worth more than 'what will the neighbours think?'. Once I realized that, leaving was easy. And life has been wonderful.

Don't ever feel like you can't leave, because you can. If you choose NOT to leave, stand up and say "I choose not to leave" not "leaving is not an option".

Does your mother really resent the fact you married or did she see what kind of person he was and worry that you were making the wrong choice out of desperation to settle down?

I'm afraid you're going against a lifetime of conditioning here and subtle hints are not going to cut it. You need to be very loud and very clear about what role he should take in the house. Quit feeding and cleaning/washing up after him for a month. Make him physically have to do it and you might just get through!

Ok, can you try writing him an email detailing the reasons why you are so upset?

On the other hand can you afford a cleaner?

You do not have to feel bad that you might be preventing dh doing his hobby either. Life changes after dc are on the scene, unfortunately you have been the only person in your marriage to realise that, emotionally and practically.

There is a word for someone who ignores you or says nothing when your trying to discuss an issue (someone here might know) you also need to write that word on an email and write the definition of that word alongside it.

I do not know if you are feeling inferior because you cannot do it all like his mother? Because there is no need to put that sort of expectation on yourself. She probably didn't work? Probably had some form of help and back in those days the male/female roles were much more defined and expectations quite different.

Do you think you could write him an email?

Dear ........

I am not very happy at the moment. I feel as though I am not being supported enough within our marriage in regards to practical chores and childcare. I cannot continue in the same way for very much longer so that means you will have to start offering practical support towards our family. This support will mean that some of your time outside of working hours will be spent doing things for the children/me and the home.

By doing this you will free up some time for me because previously all of my free time has been spent dealing with the above.

Your cooperation in the above matter will be very much appreciated.

I appreciate you all so much.

Well, I blew up a bit early this morning. I told him it wasnt fair and I literally shouted at him that he was selfish to go off for the day knowing I was sick, minding a baby and ..oh yeah, 7 months preg to boot. To make things worse I told him he got married for the went reasons and that he shouldn't have married me for the sake of having a little housewife and still go over to mummy and daddy to relax for himself all day of a weekend. That I even spent Yesterday on my own. That I regret it all, I'm stuck in a situation and am fucked!!!

Phew...

Then I went to work and left him open mouthed. At this point he said he's doing nothing wrong and what's wrong with having a few hours to himself when he's here 90 percent of the time. He works until 8 pm a lot of the time, spends between 11 am and 6pm st home on a sat, goes to church on a Sunday. So hardly 90 percent IMO

Anyway, I feel I blew up and shouldn't of let it get to this.i don't know what to do. I don't .

Keep going MrsG - be clear and insistent and make things change now!!
I dread to think what he will be like while you are on ML .....

Tell him by speech or email very clearly what you need from him. Explain that if he doesn't stop being so selfish there will be consequences and then just stop.
Stop cooking, cleaning, washing for him.
Stop enabling him to walk away from his responsibilities by making him look after your DC by himself at the weekend.
Stop putting yourself last, go and spend time doing what you want, e.g. Your hobbies leaving him with DC.
Stop worrying whether you are a good enough wife.

As so many others have said you need to make him accountable now otherwise life will be terrible once your next DC arrives.

Well done. Do not back down. It's now or never. He needs to understand and change his perspective on the whole situation.

At this point he said he's doing nothing wrong and what's wrong with having a few hours to himself when he's here 90 percent of the time. He works until 8 pm a lot of the time, spends between 11 am and 6pm st home on a sat, goes to church on a Sunday. So hardly 90 percent IMO

This is why I say do a calendar of who is doing what when so you can both see how much each is doing and how much leisure time each is getting.

I agree with waffly. You need to do a time-chart of work hours, time spent on chores, time away from home without the children, hobby times.

Once you've written down 'his time' vs 'your time' and show him how lopsided it all is, maybe he'll see the light. But I doubt it. He's been raised to believe that the home is the woman's responsibility so to him it means nothing that you spend more time doing housework and childcare than he does. In his mind, that's the way it's supposed to be.

You mention church. Have you spoken to your pastor/priest/vicar about this & enlisted their help with your husband? Would he/she be sympathetic to you or would you be told that the man is the 'head of the home' and you must defer to him?

It's definitely the case that his family believe its a woman's role. What they miss is that women are now often the main breadwinners. I have thought about it a lot over the past few days and am no longer seething. However I have said to him I'm very disappointed in how things have turned out. I also am reducing the extra little things I do. No longer ironing. Cut down on making fancy meals, baking.

I think he has got the message but its hard to change a lifetime mindset of 'mummy did it' grrrrr.....

He's clearly not grown up enough for an adult relationship never mind being a parent, stop being his mum for a start, it might help but as has been said, people rarely change.

MrsG you must do what feels right to you & I agree with cutting out the 'extras'. Frankly, I'd probably leave him to fend for himself for laundry and meals, too. Some men need to start realizing that women need lives, too. It took me awhile with my husband, but I managed it.

You know, my own mum 'did it all' as far as housework and worked part time as our church bookkeeper once we were in school. My husband's mum also worked full time and still 'did it all'. I seriously don't know how they managed it, all I know is that I couldn't do that in my own marriage/life. I don't know why I couldn't, but I just couldn't manage it and keep my sanity. I think our mum's generation didn't expect much true leisure time. Seriously, the only time I remember Mum really having 'nothing to do' was Sunday afternoons! Her generation was pretty much raised with the 'children, church, home' ethic and their self esteem & life satisfaction was pretty much based on a clean house, neat children, and church activities. God bless them, they don't make many women like that anymore!! But we demand (& deserve) more from our lives and from our husbands. As well we should!