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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I słept in the spare room last night ..

70 replies

Mrsgrumble · 21/09/2014 08:33

I don't know fully what's making me unhappy but heavily pregnant with a baby and dh spends all day yesterday on hobbies etc and watching his favourite programmes last night. He does chip in to do a bit of work but goes to his parents all day sat. Gives me the impression they are elderly. Then I find out he has taken himself off for the day to relax and I am not well and left a home with a baby crying.

I can't even look at him. Is this my life now? When baby 2 comes he will carry on the same. When we married initially he spent all Sunday morning running but I knocked that on the head an told him to help a bit more. He got up I baby this morning. I am thinking of going into the city centre for the day and getting away. No way do I feel like cooking and cleaning again.

He often says his mother did all and never complained. She got married 45 years ago and didn't work. I am the main financial provider here Angry

OP posts:
tribpot · 21/09/2014 10:55

There's no reasoning with him - of course he's going to blame it on your pregnancy. And 'everything ISN'T fair' when you are bringing in the lion's share of the money AND doing everything at home. That isn't remotely fair at all.

Stop doing so much cooking for him. In fact, stop doing any cooking for him, why the hell should you? (I suspect I know the answer: because if you don't he will simply go out and buy microwave meals for himself). You're trying to be reasonable with someone who is fundamentally selfish and lazy.

Humansatnav · 21/09/2014 11:11

He can still have 2 hot meals a day , if he cooks them.
Jesus wept, my dh is in his 60's, was 42 when our eldest was born, worked 60 +hours per week and still did late feed / one morning a weekend/ washing / cooking.
Not because he was some sort of Superman, but because he is a functioning adult and not a twat.

Original poster
Mrsgrumble · 21/09/2014 11:14

He will do I bt will go around with a gormless look on his face and I know he is secretly thinking 'my mother was never like this'

I know SIL is infuriated with her dh but I don't talk abou it in real life.. That's probably why I'm offloading a bit too much in here.

Also my own father spent most of his weekend on hobbies so mum wouldn't get it and she loves to criticise me so I can't talk to her. Even women I work with (mostly older) do most chores.

Msybe I am just moaning and I need to suck it up.

OP posts:
tribpot · 21/09/2014 11:31

No you don't need to suck it up. For god's sake, it's 2014.

So he goes around with a face on and reproaches you that you're not as good as his mother. So what? He can sod off and live with her if it was so great, and in any case you work full time and you're the major earner. So the situations are completely different.

MrsMinton · 21/09/2014 11:34

You don't need to suck it up. You need to talk because you are being treated unfairly. You both wanted a family and it's time for him to step up and be an equal parent and partner. It took me years to see things weren't equal in my relationship. When I did I set out ground rules and said that unless things changed I would continue alone. Things are so different now (and have been for years so it's not a change to placate me) and we are a team raising our family and taking care of our home. H works away all week but as soon as he comes in he puts his washing on, spends time with the DS and does his share of meals/bedtimes/house things. if he is home then it's great because I enjoy his company again now we are a partnership.

You need to decide what is acceptable to you and then you need to sort this out. You deserve better than this.

MrsMinton · 21/09/2014 11:36

Also you have to think of your children. Do you want them to see this as the norm just like your H and BIL do, and go in to live like you are now? They learn about relationships from what they see.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/09/2014 11:38

No you do not need to suck it up at all. I can imagine that your SIL is infuriated with her H for the self same reasons as you are; these men were brought up with practically everything being done for them. Their parents made their sons entitled princes.

LondonRocks · 21/09/2014 11:39

Perhaps he's so conditioned by this 45 years ago image of parenthood that he needs more educating and a kick up the arse.

He really shouldn't need telling but his mother has done you and him no favours.

He needs to grow up or get out.

Original poster
Mrsgrumble · 21/09/2014 11:40

Thank You. I had a shower and feel better. I am going into town for a few hours. Dh can make dinner and I will tell him to make enough for tomorrow too.

I will get dinner out for myself. I just can't be bothered.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/09/2014 13:55

"He hasn't got a clue. "

With respect.... you're not really approaching the problem directly. The exchange you described was oblique to say the least. This is too important to rely on passive aggression or expecting him to cotton onto vague hints and references. People are not mind-readers. If you're pissed off and want things to change, tell him straight and tell him why you're pissed off and tell him what you specifically need to do about it. .

Original poster
Mrsgrumble · 21/09/2014 13:58

I know I am not approaching it directly. I don't wan to be the cause of him not seeing s elderly parents or stop him frm having a life either. I just am pissed off that yesterday when I was sick, heavily pregnant he fucks off home only to be out doing his hobby because his nieces and nephews were calling. He wanted a quet afternoon.

He can't see anything wrong. I am going out now and bringing baby with me. Want an hour to relax (baby is very good out and about) might visit relatives. He will be eating dinner alone. I know it's wrong but I am too tired to fight.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 21/09/2014 14:07

And how many children did Supermum have? Just the two?

Original poster
Mrsgrumble · 21/09/2014 14:09

Four but grandmother help raise them (lived with them)

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/09/2014 14:10

If you're pissed off, you have to say so. If you need something, you have to say so It's not 'fighting' it's called being assertive and you shouldn't be frightened of asserting yourself with anyone, ever. If you carry on acting passively not only will nothing change, but your resentment will go up at the same speed as your confidence and self-respect goes down.

You are allowed to say 'I want' and say it forcefully if necessary.

WineWineWine · 21/09/2014 14:20

He hasn't got a clue.
Then stop behaving like his personal maid and doormat and TELL HIM!

You need to talk to each other (not nag or complain or hint) and explain what you need from him. Spell it out - how do you expect him to guess when his entire experience of his mother and his wife, is that this is how things work?

It will not change unless you change it.

Anniegetyourgun · 21/09/2014 16:21

OK, so she didn't even do it all herself. She certainly didn't do it all while bringing in the main wage. So she might be ever so amazing but it still isn't a fair comparison.

tribpot · 21/09/2014 16:44

So your idea of showing him he needs to step up is to take the baby out with you? You've left him at home on his own free to do whatever the hell he likes. Again.

Why do you think it's wrong not to go home for dinner because you want to go somewhere else instead?

thingsarelookingup · 21/09/2014 17:28

I just wanted to point out that in his analogy with his mother you are actually playing the role his father did (bringing in the majority of the money) so your dh should be doing everything at home without complaint. See what reaction you get to pointing that out Grin.

Original poster
Mrsgrumble · 21/09/2014 19:01

I am back now. I went to see my parent who weren't that overly bothered (DM isn't the most affectionate) so feel even more shit now. I told dh when I got back that I am sick of being used by everyone and i have had an eye opening weekend and going to put myself first from now on.

He didn't answer, as usual. A photo of him doing his hobby yesterday is in a frame in the kitchen Hmm

OP posts:
wafflyversatile · 21/09/2014 19:44

I know I am not approaching it directly. I don't wan to be the cause of him not seeing s elderly parents or stop him frm having a life either.

You don't have to. You do have to have a proper conversation about this rather than just a comment here and there.

Do diary of who does what when hour by hour sided by side for each of you. How it was with you both working for weekdays, evenings, night-wakings, and weekends too. Even if you don't show him this it will show you the reality.

6am up with baby in bed.
8am leave for work
6pm make dinner go for run
7pm bath baby

etc.

Then sit down and tell him he needs to pull his weight and put aside leisure time for each of you. and split chores etc.

Clutterbugsmum · 21/09/2014 19:49

A photo of him doing his hobby yesterday is in a frame in the kitchen chuck it in a drawer or in the bin. It's just rubbing your face in it, how he enjoying himself elsewhere.

tribpot · 21/09/2014 19:57

A photo of him doing his hobby yesterday is in a frame in the kitchen

He's basically taunting you, isn't he? I'd be tempted to put a picture of your annual salary in a frame and leave that in the kitchen as well.

Original poster
Mrsgrumble · 21/09/2014 20:02

I don't even think he's taunting. He is so proud of it. I'm fucking ripping now.

OP posts:
tribpot · 21/09/2014 20:15

Proud of what, of his hobby or the fact he pulled one over on you to go and do it yesterday? Come on - it's obvious he's doing it to wind you up. And the more wound up you get, the more he'll be able to say you're just a hormonal pregnant woman not in your right mind. And by tomorrow you'll be half way to convincing yourself that he's right, you've been a bad wife by going out and leaving him to make his own tea today.

Deep, deep breaths. The closer you get to crying the closer he is to winning the argument.

HermioneWeasley · 21/09/2014 20:24

Lazy selfish cocks who think they are entitled to do whatever they want do not change. Boot him out and get a nanny/au pair/daily.