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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wish life had a rewind button...

29 replies

BunnyChow · 21/09/2014 02:33

Just that...wish it did. I'm fed up of being told that I'm wrong all the time. I have a 5 month old and my husband takes immense pleasure in telling that everything I do is wrong or I'm the cause..I'm the cause the baby is stressed(she isn't but even if she cries a little it's becoz of me since I'm passing my anxiety onto her) I'm wrong to pick her up too quickly if she cries, I'm the cause she's crying, I'm wrong not to have thought about weaning, I'm wrong to suggest we take extra baby formula on a soon to come 7 hr flight, I'm wrong to cuddle her too quick, I'm wrong not to have read to her b4 putting her to sleep or not switching on the music( I miss these some days when I'm tired or too distracted trying to get things done around the house) I'm wrong to suggest we have a baby bath since I'm adding to the clutter...the list can go on like this. Just woken up becoz the baby was screaming after the night feed( he fed her) and the moment I opened my mouth have been told that she's crying becoz of me!! Sorry for the rant but just wated to get it out...
Wish there was a button I could press which would give me a second chance to make different choices...

OP posts:
makkahakka · 21/09/2014 02:46

it sounds like your relationship is in a bad place and it also sounds like he is emotionally abusing you. have you spoken to anyone irl about what he says and how he makes you feel? a decent partner would be supporting you with a baby in the difficult moments, not running you down like thisSad

Original poster
BunnyChow · 21/09/2014 02:53

No..don't have many friends or family here in the UK. He just loves to take the project manager role. Point out that I'm not 'logical' or not thought through my arguments...
Tbh when I'm looking after the baby during the week she's calm, follows a routine and is happy as far as I can see. During the weekends the routine changes slightly and god forbid if she's grumpy then starts the speech of how my anxiety is being passes in to her ......

OP posts:
MexicanSpringtime · 21/09/2014 03:01

Oh you poor thing. None of us are super confident with a first baby and he is taking the joy out of it all.

I wish I knew some magic formula for getting your dh to change, but I do not.

Original poster
BunnyChow · 21/09/2014 03:10

Thanks Mexican. Tbh I've had loads if strangers say to me how happy and content my little one looks. But according to my husband I'm a bad influence on her.
I try to explain to him that you cannot deal with a 5 month old according to a rigid set of rules or as laid out by some if the books but I'm greeted by saying that I'm not interlectual and disciplined enough to follow it through...
Not once in the past 5 months has he said I'm doing/ done something correct with regards to the baby...

OP posts:
WallyBantersJunkBox · 21/09/2014 03:17

Gosh I'm sorry but he sounds awful.

I'd be tempted to express milk for the weekend, get up on Saturday morning and leave the house alone for a walk and some lunch.

I mean, seeing as he's the expert it should be no stress at all for him to manage it all alone, eh?

PepsiTwirl · 21/09/2014 03:18

He sounds horrid OP...

Just because you have a baby, doesn't mean you have to stay with him

Original poster
BunnyChow · 21/09/2014 03:43

I'm visiting my parents in another couple of weeks and I might not come back. I don't know how I'll survive, get visa sorted, how the rest of my life is going to be or how I'll care for my daughter but my gut feel days to stay back

OP posts:
DontDrinkAndFacebook · 21/09/2014 03:53

Blimey, no wonder you've got anxiety. Shock How were things in this relationship before you had a baby? Has he always been like this or has it just been since the baby came along?

On the plus side, at least he is doing some night feeds and taking an interest in your DDs routine, which is good, but he sounds very bossy and controlling and is completely undermining you.

Original poster
BunnyChow · 21/09/2014 03:59

Dontdrink- it's got worse since having the baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
BunnyChow · 21/09/2014 04:02

But has been quiet bossy all along...there are so many rules I have to follow in this relationship. I've been told so many times that I don't particularly add anything to him or the relationship...

OP posts:
Glastokitty · 21/09/2014 04:05

He sounds like a total arsehole.Go to your parents with your lovely baby and don't come back. I bet your anxiety will vanish as soon as you are away from this utter fuckwit.

VeryStressedMum · 21/09/2014 06:07

he's talking shit. you know what you're doing with the baby and it's him that doesn't add anything to the relationship. you're right to seriously think about a life away from him, you'll gave to endure many many years of this otherwise.

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 21/09/2014 06:15

What country are your parents in?

I hope you do leave him, he's horrible. Just make sure you take any/all copies of paperwork etc and that you take anything of huge sentimental value
x

oldgrandmama · 21/09/2014 06:16

He sounds absolutely ghastly. And you don't have to stay with him, honestly you don't. Can you imagine living with him for the next 18 years ...? No, I thought not. Stay here, you'll get loads of great advice.

Thumbwitch · 21/09/2014 06:27

I can entirely see why you want to rewind - to get rid of this arsehole out of your life!
Sounds like the source of all the anxiety is him - he's an utter prick! If you have the chance to get away, do that. Seriously. I wish you all the luck in the world - and your DD will thank you too for keeping her out of an eggshell environment.

The only thing is - will he agree to you taking her out of the country?

CuttedUpPear · 21/09/2014 06:41

A relationship shouldn't have 'rules' laid down by one party without the consent of the other.

You sound to me like a good mum. This horrible man is getting in the way of you loving and caring for your baby.
in my experience the person who spends longest with the baby really does know best - especially if, as you say, your baby is content most of the time.

If I were you I would be thinking seriously about taking that one way trip to your parents' home.

DressingGown · 21/09/2014 07:28

I left a relationship of 12 years after dd was born. She was 3 months old. I'm not saying it's been easy by myself, it's hard, but it has been so much better than the stress caused by living with someone who treated me like crap. A year later and the house is a mess, but me and dd are very happy. Whatever you decide, know that you are very capable and can do it.

Rebecca2014 · 21/09/2014 08:46

My sbeh is like this and I remember him telling me our baby wasn't smiling yet due to me!! and it never stops, when she is older and falls over like children do, he be screaming at me and telling me it was my fault she tripped. If she cried that would be my fault and if I didn't get up quickly enough to see dd I was a bitch.

He will never stop and I am sure he critzes you on other aspects of life as well like housework. He has no respect for you and never will. My daughter now 2 and we are now separated, I was upset at first because I was afraid of being alone but I quickly realized you are better off being single then with a man like that and I am relieved.

FolkGirl · 21/09/2014 08:58

My exh called me a "fucking spiteful cunt" when our daughter was toilet training because, on one occasion, she took herself to the toilet (like a big girl), didn't make it in time and wet herself. She cried and he accused me of abandoning her because I didn't care and was a shit mother. Then rather than reassuring her and sorting her out, or letting me do it, he blocked me in the kitchen, where I stood, and screamed all sorts of horrible things/threats at me.

I waited until she was 5 and had had an affair before I kicked him out. My only regret is that I didn't do it very many years ago. There were plenty of opportunities Sad

Take the time while you are away to really think seriously about this relationship.

sus14 · 21/09/2014 09:04

My H was like this when my dd was a baby, she had colic and of course it was because i was a "crap mother". All I can say is that things have not got better, and I wish wish wish I had left then, before it would have had an effect on her. She is now 6 and I am making plans to leave, and it's going to break her little heart. My biggest regret is not leaving when she was a baby, but I thought it would get better. It didn't. Flowers

Rebecca2014 · 21/09/2014 09:06

Folkgirl that story so sad but it so familiar to me. This thread reminds me of when I was going give our daughter her first bath, I was so excited. Sbeh was there and started having a go at how I held her, washed her etc. I was in tears and left him to it, feeling useless and to this day that memory sticks out in my mind. Men like that are vile creatures.

2sugarsandadog · 21/09/2014 09:13

He won't change. Do what you think you should do now. Don't end up in the same relationship, having it affect your child 17 years down the line. I wish I'd had your foresight.

HumblePieMonster · 21/09/2014 09:16

Go to your parents with your lovely baby and don't come back
this. if your parents are good parents, go to them. if not, stay here, phone women's aid and get him out of your life.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 21/09/2014 11:26

Sadly you have to be very careful about removing children from the country with his parental rights. It could be viewed as kidnapping if you contact him and say the relationship is over and you are not coming back. Especially if he is as vindictive as he sounds.

I had this thrown in my face by my ex when I told him I was taking my DC to the UK. I pointed out that I cross the border here several times a day to visit the supermarket, dentist, barbers etc so did he want to write me a letter granting permission every time I did this, or did he want to do it all for himself while I sat at home with my feet up? Strangely he backed down at that thought.

gincamparidryvermouth · 21/09/2014 11:37

I'm not sure if you can legally just take the baby back to your home country (South Africa?) and not come back. That being said I do think you would be well within your rights to leave your husband. As previous posters have said, he is sucking the joy out of life with your baby - and I agree that his behaviour must be making your anxiety worse.

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