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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me stay away

30 replies

Cantdothisnow · 21/09/2014 02:12

Please excuse me if this is jumbled, I'm in such a panic.

I met someone when I was 16. We have dated on/ off for 7 years now. I didn't realise it at the time but after reading other threads on MN I think I've been emotionally abused. There have been some physical things too but I can't write that down at the moment.

I've been pressurised into giving him lots of money. I haven't had anything repaid. I think this panic attack has been triggered because I have just had to send him more money.

It sounds stupid that I have stayed in touch with him I know. I'm very isolated and I won't meet anyone else. I'm scared of being lonely. I've even stayed in touch with him at times just hoping he would repay some of the money like he promised to. I couldn't/ can't afford to support him: I go without when I do this.

Why can't I stay away? Hoping someone is awake. I feel so desperate and have no one to talk to about this. Reading this back it sounds so pathetic, he does have redeeming features, good sense of humour etc. I'm just realising now he does scare me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantdothisnow · 21/09/2014 02:13

I'm shaking and finding it hard to breathe

OP posts:
Mum4Fergus · 21/09/2014 02:25

Sorry you find yourself in this situation...do you live with this person? Any kids involved?

Original poster
Cantdothisnow · 21/09/2014 02:28

No we live apart and have no children

OP posts:
Raftofdeterminationandlove · 21/09/2014 02:28

Are you still there? I am going to bed soon but couldn't leave you. Try breathing in for five seconds and out for seven. I know what panic attacks are like so I will hold your hand if nothing else.

Thanks Thanks

Original poster
Cantdothisnow · 21/09/2014 02:30

Still here. Thank you raft

Trying to calm down but my mind is working overtime

OP posts:
Mum4Fergus · 21/09/2014 02:31

Ok, is there anyone in RL that you can call in to support you now or first thing in the morning? I've had panic attacks in the past...can you relax and control your breathing a bit ?

Raftofdeterminationandlove · 21/09/2014 02:34

I know. It's so hard. Believe me I know what you're going through. Do you live alone? I know you say you're very isolated but is there anyone you can call/text/message ? Even if it's not till the morning.

maybesadie · 21/09/2014 02:35

I'm here.

I've been in the same position, and I've left and gone back to my abusive ex more times than I could count. It's awful, just awful.

The best thing I ever did was completely cut contact, blocked him on everything, and moved where he couldn't find me. I feel stronger than I have in years.

When you're able, I would go to the police, especially as he is continuing to financially abuse you, and there's a history of physical violence. Tell them everything. In the meantime, call Women's Aid first for advice, especially to get through the night.

Keep posting here if it's helpful. The best thing you can do right now is calm down and take care of yourself. Some tea, have a bath, anything that might relax you and distract you. You can get through this. It gets much better on the other side.

Original poster
Cantdothisnow · 21/09/2014 02:36

I have a sister. I could try to talk to her in the morning if she isn't at work. Couldn't possibly tell her all the details, I feel so ashamed for letting this happen for so long.

Can't believe I'm in such a state now. This has been happening for years, why am I falling apart now

OP posts:
Raftofdeterminationandlove · 21/09/2014 02:36

I have to go now.

I will be thinking of you Thanks

Original poster
Cantdothisnow · 21/09/2014 02:41

Thank you all for talking. It means so much.

He has never hit me, the physical things were sexual. Don't want to say the R word but I think that's what happened.

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 21/09/2014 02:50

How does he contact you when he wants money? If it's a phone call don't answer any calls or texts. Switch the phone to silent tonight so you aren't anticipating a call.

Try doing the breathing technique mentioned before. And please tell someone in RL. Feeling ashamed is one thing abusers rely on but you have nothing to be ashamed of because it isn't your behaviour that is abusive. Isolation is another of their tools. Are you afraid of him? You can call the police if you feel threatened and talk to someone in their DV team.

Original poster
Cantdothisnow · 21/09/2014 02:50

God how did I get here Sad

Can't believe this has happened., feels like a nightmare

OP posts:
ilovelamp82 · 21/09/2014 02:51

If you genuinely want help to stay away from him, as awful as you may think it is, the best thing you could do is actually tell your sister.

You have no nothing to be ashamed about. You are being abused and your sister will want to be there for you. Saying it out loud to the people that care about you may feel like the hardest thing to do as it makes it all real but it would be effective in keeping you away from him and guve you real life support.

Definitely Women's aid. And police too if you feel strong enough.

maybesadie · 21/09/2014 02:52

I'm sorry for assuming wrong, but absolutely report the abuse you experienced.

Definitely call your sister. I think more often than not, the people close to us can surprise us with how receptive and understanding they are. Talking about my abuse with my family and close friends was incredibly helpful, even though it was very hard for me; I'm an extremely private person, and most of my wider circle of friends doesn't know, but the few trusted people I chose to help were absolutely helpful and understanding.

maybesadie · 21/09/2014 02:53

*chose to tell

Original poster
Cantdothisnow · 21/09/2014 02:55

Yes usually a phone call. He knows I have sent him all I have at the moment so don't expect to hear from him for a couple of days. But yes I am on tenterhooks so just turned phone off - thank you.

Yes I think I am scared of him. Its a shock to be saying that. He isn't always evil, but blows hot and cold.

I'm not threatened in the sense of him attacking me, he hasn't hit me but thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantdothisnow · 21/09/2014 03:02

The thought of telling her is so distressing Sad I can't stop sobbing. I feel like I need to protect her from the details but she dislikes him anyway so maybe saying I have ended things with him would be ok.

Can't even think about police etc at the moment. Feel like I can't get through the next few hours let alone anything after that. But I will won't I? In a way that feels worse, just wish this hadnt all happened

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantdothisnow · 21/09/2014 03:02

Sorry am trying to keep up with posts but hard to focus on screen as so upset.

Thank you again for talking

OP posts:
maybesadie · 21/09/2014 03:07

You'll get through it. And I don't mean to be pushy about the police - you don't have to face that now, but do keep it in mind, for later, as it can help make sure he stays away from you.

If you'd like to tell your sister, you can start with little bits, and work up to the full picture. It's very hard when you want to protect them - I felt this way about telling my mum, I didn't want her upset by his actions, by what I went through. And it seemed embarrassing to me, as well, though it really shouldn't be - it happens to so many women, the strongest women, abuse isn't discriminate. But it was so good to tell, and though it was hard on her, I know, and she's said, that she is glad I talked to her and gave her what she needed to help me get away from him. Real life support will be so valuable to you in getting away from him.

Original poster
Cantdothisnow · 21/09/2014 03:17

Yes maybe that is exactly it. I know how upset (and angry) she will be and I want to save her from that. It is just so embarrassing and shameful, she has always looked up to me but clearly I'm a terrible role model. I wouldn't advise anyone else to stay, but haven't been brave enough to follow that advice myself. What an idiot

My head is absolutely thumping now, no doubt my face will be swollen in the morning too from crying so if I manage to see her she'll know something is up. Just don't want to burden her with this

OP posts:
whitsernam · 21/09/2014 03:36

You don't want to burden her with this, but turn it around. If your sister was going through something this hard, wouldn't you want her to tell you? You'd feel awful if she didn't tell you!!! That would feel like a slap in the face, or like she didn't trust you.... You need her now, so tell her.

maybesadie · 21/09/2014 03:57

Exactly as Whitser said. Would you want your sister to keep something like this from you to protect you? She'll want to be told.

Have you made yourself a cup of tea? Lots of sugar, to help with the adrenaline and shock. The best thing to do right now is try to take care of yourself. It's good that your phone is off. Try wrapping yourself up, drinking the tea, and distracting yourself with something - a film or series, maybe something familiar. Hopefully you can relax, get some rest, and have a clearer head in the morning. If you can't relax/rest, that's ok, but if you go through the motions it may help.

MexicanSpringtime · 21/09/2014 04:53

You're only just starting on life and unfortunately you fell into the grips of an abuser at such a young age. Of course you are isolated, that is one of the things that abusers do, so that it will harder to leave him. But the only way you can break out of that isolation is by breaking with him.

My dd was in an abusive relationship for three years when she was young. I broke my heart, she changed from being the life and soul, in a good sense, of the party, to being totally unfriendly. Between his jealousy if she even smiled at anyone and his pointing out all the flaws in her friends, he managed to cut her off from nearly everyone. But after she split up with him she started to return to her natural friendly self and to have lots of RL support again.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 21/09/2014 08:12

Call women's aid for a chat. They can point you in the direction of some real life support. you need some proper help here.

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