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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Apparently I am a horrible little shit

47 replies

username1906 · 20/09/2014 16:23

Out for a walk with DH and had a petty argument, but he got really angry, told me to fuck off, when I said "What?" he said yes, fuck off, you're being a horrible little shit.

When I caught up I asked him how he would feel if someone spoke to DD like that. He apologised, sort of, but says I wind him up.

He's sitting in the bedroom now. I'm in the living room.

OP posts:

Humansatnav · 20/09/2014 16:25

Well, someone is a horrible little shit, but its not you.

hmc · 20/09/2014 16:30

So were you being quite reasonable or a teeny bit horrible little shit like?

hmc · 20/09/2014 16:30

Although name calling is never good!

ShatnersBassoon · 20/09/2014 16:32

Does he often say things like that, or do you think it just fell out of his mouth in the heat of the moment? Were you being a bit shitty?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 20/09/2014 16:32

Well, how can it have been "a petty argument" if he got so angry that he got really angry and told you to fuck off?

Is this a common pattern when you don't agree with him about stuff?

Original poster

username1906 · 20/09/2014 16:34

I thought we were having a 'normal' argument. I never swore, I never insulted him, I was sticking to facts and how I felt. He objected to my tone of voice, but I objected to his tone without getting aggressive. In fact I had tried to not have the argument because of his apparent infallibility

OP posts:

Catzeyess · 20/09/2014 16:34

He sounds horrible.

What was the argument about?

Humansatnav · 20/09/2014 16:35

Ive been married over 22 years and dh & I have had some spectacular arguments, but never swore at each other like that

Humansatnav · 20/09/2014 16:36

He objected to you having an opinion.

Original poster

username1906 · 20/09/2014 16:38

He nearly stepped in some poo. I said 'oh mind the poo'. He then saw some on the front wheel of the pram, and said 'you didn't', in a scathing tone. I felt he was being critical, as he can be, but said nothing because I knew it would be my fault. He pushed and pushed until I said what I was thinking. Then he got angry.

OP posts:

Humansatnav · 20/09/2014 16:39

He sounds highly unpleasant.

Original poster

username1906 · 20/09/2014 16:40

He's generally lovely :(

OP posts:

Humansatnav · 20/09/2014 16:50

Someone who goades you into an argument then tells you to fuck off and calls you a little shit IS NOT LOVELY .
Sorry for shouty caps, but you need to hear this.

SweetErmengarde · 20/09/2014 16:54

If he's generally lovely, how did you know you had better say nothing or it would be your fault?

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/09/2014 16:54

You were trying to help him, then he was nasty and scathing, then he had a row, then swore at you?

Catzeyess · 20/09/2014 16:55

I'll prob get flamed for this but here goes:

IMO It's really frustrating when people are obviously cross but don't say anything. It's a bad dynamic if you feel like you can't say anything when he's being critical, and it will breed mutual resentment, however if he is not a horrible guy (and you say he is normally lovely) you can prob fix this dynamic quite easily with a bit of communication.

If you feel he critiques you all the time then chat to him at a non-threatening time and explain you feel criticised (but don't blame him for criticising you) and see what he says. It might be possible he doesn't realise he is being critical but is just a bit of a perfectionist.

Depending on how he responds to the non-threatening convo will tell a lot.

Original poster

username1906 · 20/09/2014 17:10

catzeyess I've talked to him before about feeling criticised. Apparently he isn't being critical, I'm taking what he says the wrong way. That's how I knew there was no point in saying anything, because it would be me taking it the wrong way.

OP posts:

Original poster

username1906 · 20/09/2014 17:10

OP posts:

Original poster

username1906 · 20/09/2014 17:16

Funny you should say how annoying it is when someone won't talk - if there's something wrong with him, he'll sulk/brood about it rather than discuss it, and the vast majority of times we've had an argument he's gone away in a strop rather than sort it out. I can live with that - particularly because we generally rub along very nicely and really don't fall out much - but this is the second time he's been aggressive in the last few weeks

OP posts:

EllaFitzgerald · 20/09/2014 17:26

Is it just a coincidence that people who say these things to their loved ones are always the injured party because others have taken their comments 'the wrong way'? Do you rub along quite nicely because he doesn't behave badly, or because you avoid conversations that are likely to trigger this behaviour?

Original poster

username1906 · 20/09/2014 18:05

ella I think mostly he behaves well. He's taken some genuine gripes I had with him (about leaving mess around) pretty well, but then I'm very easygoing for the most part.

He came to apologise. When I asked why he got so angry, he said 'dunno.' Same answer to me asking how he was going to make sure it didn't happen again. Now he doesn't want any dinner, he's not hungry Fine, I'll order Chinese for myself.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/09/2014 18:18

Your H is truly a nasty piece of work. I certainly do not like the accusation from him that you wind him up; that is the sort of thing that emotionally abusive men actually come out with. He has also not taken any responsibility for his actions here. Your easy going nature is something he is actually using against you, he knows you will try and soothe him and/or try and apologise to him.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Think carefully too about your own DD and what she is learning about relationships from the two of you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/09/2014 18:21

How can you take being told to fuck off 'the wrong way'? 'Dunno' is not an explanation or even an apology. What's he going to do to make up for his behaviour?

Original poster

username1906 · 20/09/2014 19:03

I get a lot out of the relationship. I know everyone says it, but we enjoy chatting and popping out for lunch. We have similar attitudes to money, education, religion. We like the same tv shows (mostly), and he'll roll his eyes jokingly when I watch Americas Next Top Model. He makes dinner during the evening cluster feed, and cleans up the kitchen. I get tea in bed a lot of mornings, and glasses of water when I'm feeding without having to ask. He changes shitty nappies and plays nicely with the baby. He's generous but not frivolous with money, and encourages and facilitates me spending time with friends and family. He's tucked me up in bed when I got home drunk, went to the supermarket for sanitary pads and chocolate when I miscarried, never left my side during a loooong labour. I could go on.

I don't, and won't, soothe or apologise. I will be keeping a close eye on what happens in future.

OP posts:

saltnpepa · 20/09/2014 19:08

Oh sorry but I don't think this is a big deal, are people really so fragile. If he was aggressive or controlling yes, but a grown up swore at another grown up, I don't think that's such a big deal, surely nobody would ltb over something like this?!

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