Apparently I am a horrible little shit

[username1906]

Out for a walk with DH and had a petty argument, but he got really angry, told me to fuck off, when I said "What?" he said yes, fuck off, you're being a horrible little shit.

When I caught up I asked him how he would feel if someone spoke to DD like that. He apologised, sort of, but says I wind him up.

He's sitting in the bedroom now. I'm in the living room.

Agree with saltnpepa. The OP isn't going to get anything useful out of this thread because, as per, people are not actually listening to what she's telling them.

Is it not ok to post on this board about an 'off day' and 'off comment' without posters jumping in with their own interpretations and projections, in the face of what they're being told? Can't you read between the lines and discern whether somebody feels they are being abuse or whether they are having a rant, letting off steam? It's not fair to the OP to pronounce judgements about her relationship the way it's happened on this thread. Bad form.

That's all very well and good but its really a given in a relationship.

I would not call that a petty argument at all. He goaded you into reacting and you walked right into his trap set for you.

His behaviour today was totally unacceptable and he has also not really apologised to you. He was totally in the wrong for saying to you that you wind him up because you are not responsible for his behaviour. That makes me think he is not really remorseful for saying such awful things to you.

All the good points you have listed OP, are just normal things a partner does. Changes shitty nappies? What kind of father doesn't?

His problem is he's crap at dealing with anger and frustration. He lashes out verbally. It's a horrible trait that he needs to recognise and work on. He definitely needs to apologise.

My eldest sister has been happily married for 30 years to an almost always lovely man who is atrocious at dealing with any sort of marital conflict. He name calls, sulks - the lot. It hasn't been a deal breaker for her. They love each other and she accepts that he can't cope with certain arguments other than by immaturely verbally lashing out. He could probably benefit from some sort of therapy/anger management but has never gone down that road.

Am I missing something? Do all the people on this thread know your husband? Wow I wouldn't dream of jumping to the conclusions some people have here or throwing my judgments about. Please don't destroy what sounds like an average relationship having a shit day. Honestly what a carry on over nothing. I'd expect him to apologise and that would be the end of it. Talk of traps, manipulations, anger management, therapy etc is all other peoples projections about their relationships, past or present.

Can I ask how old the baby is? You mention a pram, not a buggy (I use them interchangeably, myself, but not everyone does). I ask because people can be horrible to one another after new babies arrive, who are normally not.

It can become a habit, talking to someone that way. The inhibition goes. Do you think maybe counselling as a couple to improve communication might help?

If there's a new baby and his behaviour is also new, then IMO you don't need counselling. You need more sleep, and only time will fix that one.

Username he said you were "being a horrible little shit" Isn't that how we are told to correct our children? By naming the behaviour - not the child. Your dp was pointing out how he percieved your behaviour at that time?
My DH and I have had spectacular rows too over our 21 years together - some with very colourful and nasty language even a kick in the shin once (me) and a stamp on my foot (him) but these were sporadic and brief (and in the early, early years for the physical incidences) and the fundamental things like shared sense of humour, 99% of the time respect for each other, kindness and so on are what matter.

Don't blow it all out of proportion.

Didn't mean to sound telling off there - I just kind of meant to give it some perspective: you make him sound lovely most of the time so just wanted to remind you of that. (will shut up and sit down now )

Evil.. that kick in the shin and stamp on the foot made me laugh very loudly. It's the way you wrote it...

Is the baby quite new? Even under a year? Because the tiredness and general drudgery can turn even the nicest people snappy and a bit twattish. Not an excuse but I'd hate, over the course of a 15-year relationship, to be judged as a nasty person who deserves to be left over the handful of tiredness induced times I've been horrible and mean and shouty at DH (and vice versa).

But it depends if it's genuinely out of character, and only you know that.

I am happily married, we rarely argue and when we do we do not name call.. but... today I told him he was being a rude shit.

He was being rude.

It was no big deal.

He could post on here and say how he was a bit moody and I called him a name and people could say I am horrid and a bitch and abusive, but it would be just one snap shot in a happy marriage where I lost my cool because he was being a rude shit.

I don't know enough to make any statements on the OP's husband's character based on this alone.

If he goads you into an argument then swears at you regularly then you have a problem. You said he is genuinely lovely, so what is it OP? is he goading you all the time and swearing at you?

I hate it here sometimes, the OP probably was just ranting and now she is probably walking away wondering if her husband is an abusive bastard.

Seriously, so OTT these reactions are.. some must have really long legs with all the leaps they are making.

And some people think they are so perceptive they can see what is happening and what kind of character her husband is due to one stupid argument. Yes he was unreasonable, but I guess no one here has ever been moody, been snappy when they shouldn't have or said anything they shouldn't have. God knows I have been shitty when really tired or ill. I apologise, we move on.

Guess what? none of you are qualified to be making judgements based on the very little information posted so far and yet some are making out her husband to be this horrible abusive man. Really bad form.

I once told my dh in a very heated drunken argument that he was 'a joke'

he's never forgotten it.

But I have told him to stop being so fucking miserable about it and move on

Hmm, I arent going to sit here and judge your relationship on this argument, it sounds like it was something and nothing and hes ended up going ott. Obviously upsetting and frustrating for you never the less, I wouldnt be filing a divorce just yet . I imagine if hes hiding in the bedroom he knows hes in the wrong, wait until the dust has settled and then explain how he makes you feel by being so critical. Make him aware you arent going to put up with it. Like others have said having new baby is always hard you maybe both just need a good night sleep and see a different perspective.

Personally (and ive been in a similar position with my ex) I would of walked off and left him to his ranting made him look the fool. Im not one for public spats so when my ex started on one in the middle of the street I walked off with the pram and my toddler and left him to it, had some random guy have a go at him for way he spoke to me, sat in bus stop had an old lady asking me if I was ok tbh think I was more embarrased than I would of been shouting back.

I hope you've both moved on today and are enjoying your baby. My only advice is try to keep arguments away from the baby, you must start how you mean to go on. I think it is healthy for children to witness disagreements and making up, but not healthy to witness screaming and swearing, although most parents have slipped up here at some point.

I know Mumsnet wisdom is that if someone name calls or swears at you during arguments it's a red flag.

I'm on the fence.

We have, on occasion, called each other names and been vicious.

It doesn't mean my dh is a bastard or that I'm a cunt. He's a good person, as am I.

However, it does stick with you. Words are powerful and a part of me feels sad that dh called me that but he wouldn't have done in the first years we were together.

We have a marriage as good (and bad) as anyone else...it's not always a sign of emotional abuse or a bad relationship.

Morning.

So I ate dinner then fed the bottomless pit that is an almost 3 month old baby. Then when she was settled, DH had eaten something and had swallowed his pride and apologied and talked properly. He admitted he came across critical in the first instance, which he hadn't meant to be, then felt as if he was being attacked when I responded. He knows he overreacted, but as a few people have said, that does happen when you're exhausted (DD is not a good sleeper)

We're fine this morning, he's done the morning wash and nappy change and I've been brought my cup of tea.

saltnpepa you're right about keeping arguments away from the baby. Difficult at the moment when she's hanging off my nipple half the time but necessary. I hayed hearing my parents argue, and they've been mostly happily married for 35 years.

Good I'm pleased you managed to sort it :)

That's great.

Now I hope the posters who were so determined to call him names and think of him as this shitty person may not jump to such conclusions again before hearing more information.

Good, move on. Oh and I think you'd be hard pressed to find anyone who's never had an arguement in front of the kids, we certainly have and I don't like it either but as you say if they are always there sometimes it happens.

I think it is important for children to see parents arguing every now and then.

Don't get me wrong, it shouldn't be often, about anything too personal or full of bad language, threats of divorce etc. However, there is nothing wrong with children seeing low drama arguing every once in a while as it teaches them that married couples do argue and then make it up and hopefully models how to argue in a healthy manner. So I see nothing wrong with children seeing the odd healthy argument and the resolution.

My husband hates conflict with a passion and I often wonder if it;s because he never once heard his parents argue and never learnt that it is actually pretty normal in a marriage to some extent to argue.

My parents always argued, my dad was abusive. I used to go upstairs and rock because it scared the fuck out of me and I knew things no child should ever know about what was going on in a marriage. That was damaging. I don't think children seeing parents arguing over something stupid and seeing the health resolution is though.

Here here, much healthier than witnessing mum ltb every time there's a little bump in the road!