How do I move on .............. please help

[Joywillcome]

I read most of the posts in the section - the advice you ladies give is so wonderful .................... so wondered if you could spare the time help me!!

I had breast cancer last year ...... my partner of almost 9 years didn't really cope with it - even though I had too. We had an argument 3 days after I was told the lumps where cancer, I had to go back the following week to get biopsy results (2 tumours grade 2 and 3). My partner took the children up to his parents after the argument and didn't come home to get the test results - to say I was beside myself is an understatement. (that was harder to cope with than finding out I had cancer). Anyway one year on and we pretty much dissolved the relationship - he didn't love me. Our 2 children see him regularly and I see him most days because of the kids and we work for the same organisation.

What I am finding devastating is that he has moved on - found out he was dating last sunday when he brought the kids back (my ds told me - and how lovely she is!). I really need to move on but I am stuck here - I cant seem to stop watching their constant Tweets on 'Twitter' - even though it's just like emotional self harm.

What do you do, when you hurt so much but can't move on. I'm stuck at home with the kids most nights (although I'm happy to be doing that) but can't stand the fact the he is happy and found it easy to move on.

All my friends are either married or in relationships. I hate the fact that I feel so pathetic. How do you stop torturing yourself ................. please help. I try so hard not to look on twitter - but fail!

Aww so sorry to hear all of that. How is your health now?

As regards your question, I think we have to go through pain, not around it. So my advice would be to give in to the pain when it comes, but try to counter it with lots more love and care of yourself at all other times.

I have found trying not to cry about things that really upset me is counter productive and unwise. I think that things do need to be thought about and analysed a little bit, and yes it does hurt, but when the edge of the issue has been reached and there is no more bad to face up to, then what is there soon recedes and is accepted. That's the best I can offer. But really do try to take care of yourself as well. Especially after an upset x

Thank you. I feel worse at the moment - hence the need to post. As I dropped the kids at their Dad's only to be told that he is taking them to his parents (two hours away - and where his new 'friend' lives.

I became emotional when I dropped them off - he just looked at me as if he despised me.

How or how do you stop yourself looking at twitter - I really am making myself feel worse. I kind of justify it in my head by saying 'the more I read the more it will sink in and the faster I will accept it'.

Hate the fact that I made a show of myself (and sadly infront of my dc)

Well, you can certainly slow yourself down getting to certain websites. Search on google for how to password protect or block particular websites on your web browser. Of course you'll know the password to unblock them, but the point is to force you to pause and consider your motives for going on there. Delete the apps from your phone/tablet.

Your goal right now should be to feel good about yourself, and you have to police your behaviours, especially the habits, asking yourself "is this going to help me achieve my goal?" That goes for twitter, Facebook, drink and drugs (if applicable), and any people or environments that drag you down. On the flip side, do more of the stuff that gives you a boost: quality time with your kids, and the people who make you feel good; get out and exercise; do something creative; learn something new (check out free courses on iTunes U, or evening classes local to you).

Have you had any counselling since the cancer? Something like that shakes your foundations, even without a break-up to contend with. You need to put in some honest effort to find out who you are this side of your crisis. You want your life to be as if the cancer never happened, and I'm afraid nobody can do that for you. But it is in your power to build something new, and every bit as good. X

You've had a hideous time. Im so sorry.

I think you have to develop an alter ego who is like your best friend/sister/mum/fav auntie all in one. When you're feeling shredded, she's the voice you use to tell yourself to make a cup of tea and have a good cry. She's the voice you use to tell yourself that the chores will wait but you need a lovely warm bath now. And she's the voice you use to tell yourself to leave twitter alone!

I hope it doesn't sound too crazy, but if YOU don't act like you're worth looking after, then nobody else is going to. So consciously use that voice to take care of yourself, emotionally and physically. Use your rl friends for chatting, eating cake, swimming, whatever and focus on your life. Ultimately you know how theirs will pan out - all the time his needs come first they will carry on doing their 'look how happy we are' act but as soon as she needs anything, he'll be off like a shot. They don't change. Really they don't.

Btw, it's not surprising you're struggling to ignore him: for years he's had you subconsciously putting him before you and you're very well trained! You just need to retrain yourself in to putting YOU at the front of your mind!

thanks for your advice. I spent all afternoon in tears so forced myself to go out for a walk.

I've just deleted my twitter account - I know I can make up a new stalker name but like you say sandthron it would slow the process down - not something I can just look at immediately. thank you.

No YvYb you don't sound crazy - very good advice but still I cant stop crying.

I feel like he never loved me - he said such hurtful things about the person I am - and he has clearly been having fun with his new friend because they have been going to gigs and weddings and parties - something he NEVER did with me - and it all just hurts. I really have got incredibly low self esteem at the moment - even I can recognise that!

I know how you feel Joy . Two months on for me and I still cry everyday. I was working myself up into a froth the other day because I know stbxh is on dating sites and going out every evening, so most likely has found his next ego-boosting vagina (sorry to be blunt!).

I did some journaling to help me put down on paper the absolute worst nightmarish scenario I could imagine and that was tormenting me thinking about it so much. It was picturing stbxh and his new ms. thing having sex.

So, I wrote the most pornographic piece of filth describing all the horrible disturbing things they could do to each other (and all those particulars I know he likes so much) and by the end of writing it, I sort of disconnected emotionally from it. I don't know how or why, but I even went back and re-read it when I wobbled and started to obsess about it again. I think I desensitized myself to it perhaps. Seeing it in black and white just sort of left me thinking....yeah, and?

Not sure if that helped or not, but I'll definitely hold your hand and give a hug coz it's hell what these as**es do to us.

Of course he's doing things he never did with you - this is all part of his "I'm a completely different, amazingly outgoing new person" reinvention. He HAS to act differently to convince himself that he HAD to leave you as his - a-hem - "true self" was dying a tragic, misunderstood, painful death.

Sadly, although he can make as many superficial changes as he likes, he'll never change the person he is inside and sooner or later it will pop out. She has got herself an extremely "fair weather" boyfriend. And you know that one day she too will discover it.

You are perfectly allowed to spend a day crying, as long as your other voice ensured you had a cup of tea to cry over. It will pass, it really will and you will build a new life for yourself, but you can't do that until you've said goodbye to the old one. Ride it out, eat healthily and take care of yourself. Watch out for slipping over the line in to chronic anxiety: you'll know it's happened if you constantly have that horrible butterfly feeling and it becomes hard to sleep. If it happens, get to your gp as there's no need to suffer with it.

I have those "everyone else is married" moments too. And then I remember what my marriage was like and remind myself that no-one knows what someone else's marriage is like behind closed doors. And then I have a bath in my clean, girly bathroom, have total control of my TV before stretching out in my lovely, clean girly kingsize bed! You've been kicked in the guts in all directions in such a short space of time, it's bound to take time to firstly react and then begin to recover.

I recommend going completely cold turkey on him. Don't engage in any conversation beyond your children, block websites where you view.

The only thing you can control is you and therefore all you can do is work on healing yourself. It is hard but you can do it, one hour at a time, then one day at a time then one week at a time until you are ready.

Be angry, let the tears flow but do not let your DH see any of this, be cold with him. Treat everything like business.

You're awesome and you'll be fine. Time is a healer.

Also I used to cry every day, then occasionally and now hardly ever. Everyone told me time is a healer and it really is...but you have to cut him out to get over it. Like a wound if you keep picking it it will never heal.

I would try to keep in mind that, in some ways, this break up has been a blessing in disguise.

A fair-weather partner is a useless partner. Everyone gets sick or weak eventually and supporting each other through that is a normal part of being a couple. Imagine spending the rest of your life with him - only for him to abandon you in old age when you would inevitably become ill in some form or another. I wouldn't be able to hold my head up if I treated my husband in the way your partner treated you.

Stop looking at his Facebook/Twitter etc. It's not helping you and it doesn't mean anything. I feel sorry for his new sweetheart as I doubt she is an immortal robot. Heaven help her if she gets ill if she's still with that duffer.

Don't listen to his nasty comments towards you. He is trying to justify his behaviour by making you out to be the bad person because on some level he knows it's appalling.

I wish you all the best - keep marching on!

Thank you. I tried going cold turkey - told him he could only contact me my email (so I wouldn't get ongoing txts and whatsapp) so that I could be in control to some degree and he couldn't invade a space in my head when I wasn't crying ...... with a beep beep txt! But now I find myself checking me emails. Sigh.

Yes Yvyb - he is reinventing himself - although he said this is the way he was before he met me - apparently I ruined him.

When he got cross and arrogant with me in front of the children today - I did think' I hate you' - because this is the real you - and it may take her sometime but she will see it - she will be me, unless she is a stronger better person and shows him the door.

I did start counselling last month - my surgeon/consultant kept recommending that I needed too - - - he said 'no one should have to be told they have cancer and then their partner walks out', I think even he couldn't believe it. I think anyone having a mastectomy at 39 and then being left does much for the self worth. I keep thinking about what HER body is like but that's just stupid.

I so wish I could fast forward 6 months - I really do feel like I've had enough of all of it all.

I've been keeping a diary - simple stuff about how I got through the day and then mark my mood out of 10 - I haven't got above a 4 yet but cant wait until I do.

Ironically, although he is incredibly handsome (I was punching well above my weight) we had the most boring sex life - he has intimacy issues - and I'm just hoping that it will be the same with her - can't bare the thought of them having a good sex life after I've put up with a crap one for that last 9 years!! (funny what you think of after a glass of wine).

Did any of you get that feeling when you first wake in the night - you sense something is wrong and then BANG - it hits you, HE IS WITH SOMEONE ELSE - and then doom kicks you in the stomach and the heart - I hate that feeling.

Yes - I am on AD's and diazepam for anxiety - plus a load of cancer busting drugs (bit like Boots chemist in my bedside draw).

Hi I m glad you are getting counselling and I think you need to really use that to talk about all of this, I am your age, and I had breast cancer 5 years ago.

I would say a year on from diagnosis, just after I finished chemo, and had had a mastectomy , was my absolute lowest point. I was desperate and I fact counselling was too,hard for me and I stopped but went back later.

It may be that you feel low despite your ex, but you are fixating on him as the reason for it.

I had counselling and I talked about all my relationships in it, family friends etc and my terrible relationship with my husband. He didn't leave, but we were up and down during my treatment, and I am leaving him now, so I will be single with a mastectomy as well! Not that I plan to date for a long time .

I was emotional and anxious pretty much until I got about 4 years post, although each day was better after that first year. ThTs why I think you should think your low state is not all about him.

For me, I started doing exercise, that's what changed things, plus I feel better about my body and I feel that I am doing something about recurrence , so I feel more in control of my life again. A team sport may help as well, but anything just to feel better and less yucky generally and down.

Good luck, but I promise you it will get much much better.

Also, I would look for a new job, you can't work in the same place as someone who has done that to you. Where I work now No one knows I ve had cancer which is a bit weird but helps to,just live life normally again and makes it easier not to obsess as you can't discuss symptoms that you get worried about etc, maybe it could be the same re your ex. A totally fresh start just being you?

Don't say punching above your weight, judging by what you have said he was punching above his weight.

He is a flake, you need to not be involved in any dialogue with him about anything other than children. The sooner you do and give up the sooner you will heal.

I think you've had a lucky escape getting rid of him. You have to pity the new woman - at some time or another it will come out that he abandoned you when ill. And she's got him all to herself now. Lucky girl. What a catch.

I tend to think that if people have to do all this open Tweeting and Facebooking to one another, when they're in a relationship, then there's something wrong. Almost as if they are trying to prove something.

I'd agree with DanielJack that the sooner you give up on him, the sooner you'll heal (and probably the sooner he'll be back with his tail between his legs, begging forgiveness and blaming the OW……)

Actually slept last night. But felt that feeling of doom and a kick in the heart as soon as I woke.

I think the 'twittering' between them is just banter - I think the real personal stuff is done by phone, Skype and text. Just so glad I can't read those!

Sadly, I cant get another job (or believe me I would) - it's very local to me (which is important with all the childcare) and they have really supported me through the Cancer. It's the only security I have (even though its part time - and of course being the man he gets to work full time and have his cake!)

So what do I do today - whilst I am sat on my hands to stop me from making up a new twitter account! No friends around and its what I have no come to call 'suicide sunday'.

Joy, you really are going through a tough time. Make no mistake you have been treated very badly. You will definitely get over him. There are plenty of men like your EH who run for the hills when their wives get sick. What will happen if his new 'friend' gets sick or if he gets sick himself. From the outside it might look to you like their lives are perfect but that is inconceiveable. Men like him don't change and he will dump her as soon as it gets complicated which it will because relationships are not always easy.

Sleeping last night and starting to hate him are signs of recovery. Don't call today suicide Sunday. You can just keep telling yourself you didn't leave your children and dump your spouse because they got sick. You are better than him in any case. Make yourself a nice cup of tea and read posts on MN from women whose men left them. Take comfort from the many posters who say their men begged them to let them back when their new shiny life didn't turn out the way they expected. If you feel like it later make yourself some nice food and maybe go for a little walk. Enjoy your DC and know that they 100% recognise that you have been shafted. Children have to cope somehow and they are just trying to accept the situation by being nice to her.

Please believe that you are not alone. So many women are going through the same as you today. I am having a shit day too if it helps!! Long story but EXH of 3 million years still bugging me and two teenagers who are not exactly what you would call nice. I have just stopped crying myself so if you feel lonely think of me crying as well. I have stopped now and actually feel a lot better. Don't be scared of crying. It would be very strange if you were not crying over what has happened to you.

I hope you are on the road to recovery. You have been kicked while you were down and nobody that loves you would do that. You are honestly well rid. It was just a matter of time. He will not be having great sex with his new friend. Intimacy issues don't just go away. Enjoy the rest of your day!

Joy I meant to say that the smug look will disappear very quickly when you visit your solicitor. Stick with your job because you will get over this and you will still have your job. You need something else to focus on. He would only be delighted if you left. Head up and shoulders back.

Oh Browers - what a mess. But thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I am sorry you yourself are having a tough day (maybe we could pass the tissues forward and back!) It does help knowing that other women are going through the same upset (although obviously wish they weren't). I just wish I could fast forward 6 months!

BUT - big plus, I have not looked at their 'Twitter' all morning (deleted my account last night). Big pat on the back for me. And actually thought -'Well he's someone else's PROBLEM now'.

I was just reminding myself that just before I met him, he was having a long distance relationship for about a year I think - then he transferred from his job to Manchester to move in with her - apparently they only lived together for a very short time (maybe even weeks) before she asked him to move out (what does that say about him!!) - he then had a major breakdown (suicide attempts - clearly not serious, 3 attempts but messed it up each time - pretty obvious that he was just pushing the guilt onto her - and she never had him back - she certainly had a lucky escape). Anyway, he transferred back to his old job and we regrettably started dating! And even in the first few weeks - his behaviour was very odd. He's not really liked at work - he doesn't really fit in with them - everyone says he's weird but I got use to his oddities in time.

He's like a split personality - he can be so calm and pleasant - then turns into a hard and arrogant twat. And the thing is NONE of my friends liked him - most thought he was 'odd' and several even said after talking with him that they thought he had some kind of Aspergers - yet he thinks he is socially and emotionally intelligent. So yes - my friends all seem relieved that he has moved on. (although he has basically told me that his friends never liked me either).

Going to walk to the shop - even if it is only just to buy chocolate!

You have to become new you, you need to keep busy. Don't call it suicide Sunday, call it something else, call it selfish Sunday where you do something for you.

Get out there, meet people, go running, anything... but you have to do things.

I am only speaking from experience, my wife had an affair last year and it broke me. I received all the same advice, the only time things got better when is I reminded myself both my wife and ex-friend are idiots, started ignoring them and building a new life.

But you have to take the steps. It is like smoking, day 1 is hard but it gets easier.

Joywillcome

Don't worry, he will get the kick in the heart when he sees the new you emerging and his relationship with her is going through a rough patch. The cleverest thing that you can do is given them your blessing - that will deflate the balloon, and then NC. Sorry, but he's a *t of the highest order to have done this to you.

I do anything to keep busy - cleaning, gardening, shopping, driving, walking, just anything for 5 or 10 minutes respite of not thinking about him (and her.) My work helps.

The best reaction is no reaction, none at all, just nod and say okay. Shout in a quiet room, shout here, shout to a friend but show absolutely no reaction.

All you can do is focus on you now.

that must hurt like hell x100

what a creep.why do they do these things,disrespectful wanker

please dont act upon this,he is probably expecting you to

i had an ex just like yours,showing the new women infront of me,turning up to things with her,they werent invited it was to get a reaction,visiting my next door neighbour regularly (which he never did before) so i put a 6ft fence up so we couldnt see him

anyway been split 18months now,last week i heard he was pissed out of his head saying that he hated his life etc etc

your day will come,i never thought minewould but it did for you

Thanks guys........ but it seems to be getting harder by the day. When oh when will all the emotions die!

Still haven't Twittered them - another pat on the back for that.

But will have to see him again this evening when he drops my daughter home and then again at work (although I can pretty much stay out of his way).

No reaction ....... I am so going to try really really hard - when really I just want to scream at him. It's awful but I so want his life to go tits up! But him and his new 'friend' seem like they do have so much in common and that they are also friends - which we never really where (for lots of reasons - his problem with intimacy, inability to communicate - oh, and the fact that he fell head over heals in love with someone in our first year of dating - Why of why didn't I leave the relationship then, with my head held up).

He has the children again this weekend. I really need to do something - I need a hobby/interest. My health isn't great at the moment so that rules out sporty stuff and I don't have a creative bone in my body - any ideas??

I'm already getting stressed about the weekend and need a distraction!