How do I move on .............. please help

[Joywillcome]

I read most of the posts in the section - the advice you ladies give is so wonderful .................... so wondered if you could spare the time help me!!

I had breast cancer last year ...... my partner of almost 9 years didn't really cope with it - even though I had too. We had an argument 3 days after I was told the lumps where cancer, I had to go back the following week to get biopsy results (2 tumours grade 2 and 3). My partner took the children up to his parents after the argument and didn't come home to get the test results - to say I was beside myself is an understatement. (that was harder to cope with than finding out I had cancer). Anyway one year on and we pretty much dissolved the relationship - he didn't love me. Our 2 children see him regularly and I see him most days because of the kids and we work for the same organisation.

What I am finding devastating is that he has moved on - found out he was dating last sunday when he brought the kids back (my ds told me - and how lovely she is!). I really need to move on but I am stuck here - I cant seem to stop watching their constant Tweets on 'Twitter' - even though it's just like emotional self harm.

What do you do, when you hurt so much but can't move on. I'm stuck at home with the kids most nights (although I'm happy to be doing that) but can't stand the fact the he is happy and found it easy to move on.

All my friends are either married or in relationships. I hate the fact that I feel so pathetic. How do you stop torturing yourself ................. please help. I try so hard not to look on twitter - but fail!

hi joy, you're doing well to avoid the twitter, so keep patting yourself on the back.

Just wanted to suggest meetup as a good place to find some distraction, also make new friends? I don't know where you live but there may be all sorts going on near you you could join?

question - what is meetup?

sorry, I should have linked...here it is Meetup. Basically it groups of people doing something which can be anything from pub crawls, to knitting, to watching plays/films, canoeing, literally anything. But the good thing about it is everyone is there on their own, ie you don't have to know any one to join in, actually most people won't know anyone the first time they turn up to a particular activity/meet up.

Thanks question the site looks really good. I also contacted a local collage as well to find out about various part time courses to fill my time.

However ........ I was so trying to go NC but my son was really upset this evening because he thought his Dad was taking them up to see his 'friend' again this weekend. The poor boy cried his eyes out - and when his D brought his sister home he tried to tell him how upset it he was but his D just kept twisting his words (just like he always did with me - but this is a loving sensitive 10 year old boy). It broke my heart to see him in such pain and being manipulated.

So I sent him an email to say that if he wanted to have a long distance girlfriend then that's great but he isn't going to be carting our children up and down the motorway just for his selfish purpose. (I may have also added that I would never have him back and he bored me on every level (especially in bed!). I have now blocked him from txt and email.

So from now on NC all the way.

Please tell me I did good?????????? (feeling a bit nervous that he will explode after email)

you did very very good

oh please help ............... he just did explode at my email.

Although I didn't insult him (except about the boring sex) ... he just sent the most vile email (I blocked all his various email accounts except a very old one that I had forgotten about - which he has just contacted me on).

He said that I was using the children as a weapon - I was evil, poisonous, twisted and a whole lot of other vile things. The thing is I have never used my children as a weapon - I always promote their relationship because they need their dad. I always tell my son how much their dad loves him - even tho it sickens me.

I am now really scarred of what comes next - he pays maintenance and helps with my nursery fees - I'm worried that he will cease payment. He is much more dominant than me.

I don't want my son to be damaged (he's led in bed with me now as he feels awful)

Hold my hand please.............

hello again. I'm sorry your son was so upset, did his dad then not intend to take them back up next weekend?

I can understand why you emailed and yes he sounds like he's being selfish if he's just wanting to spend time with his GF. But you said his GF lives near to where he lives, so I take it even without her in the picture he'd have to take them back there to spend the weekend with them?

Don't be scared, he will still have to pay his maintenance despite whatever crap he makes up in his head.

question - thanks.

No he lives a 4 minute walk from my house - but his family and his group of friends live in the midlands (a good two hours away). He would rarely see his parents but as his new 'friend' lives in his home town he has been dragging the kids up there just so he can see her - his priority is his NG and clearly not the children.

He thinks I have put my son up to saying the things he did - when truthfully, I was doing all I could to be nice about him and his new GF and tell him how much his D loves him. So the thing that makes me fume is that he says I am evil, twisted and using the children as weapons - I would never ever do that, he just doesn't see what really goes on. He really does have issues - but then so does his sister who is completely insane.

I just want him out of my life and to be a good D to our children - but as always he twists everything to make it my fault.

Grrrrrrrr...................... Sigh.

Oh I see, I thought he had moved back up there. So yes he definitely is being a very selfish idiot.

You can't force him to be the good dad your kids deserve, or even the reasonable person you'd like to deal with unfortunately. But at least they have a good mum. As frustrating and painful as it is to see the kids suffer, I don't know what else you could do apart from grin and bear it. Of course you don't have to listen to any more crap from him though so good you've gone NC.

Dont panic. Start a diary. My exh was similar with my ds and I would have several broken nights, wet beds etc after a weekend at his dad's. I logged it all, stood my ground for what I believed was in my ds's best interest and predictably, he took me to court. I sent my diary to the court before the hearing, represented myself, had a thorough meeting with the cafcass officer (who supported my views) and spoke honestly to the judge.

the judge agreed with my view as to what was best for my ds, threw out my exh's petition for a contact order and then made him apologise. Don't be scared by the court process, and at 10, they will likely take your ds's own wishes in to account too.

So hold your ground, keep a diary and don't let him intimidate you.

Ok - I'm getting use to the idea of him being in a relationship and really enjoyed telling him he was boring (very and small willied) in bed............ but why do I wake up with different emotions every morning. It's exhausting.

Why are feelings such a roller coaster ......... and I never know when the next dip or high is coming. Sigh.

Please keep holding my hand ........... i'm just so upset that he has moved on and I cant see me being able to do that. Hate the space he takes up in my head and my heart - I'm really trying to put him out of my head but its so hard. WHEN will it get better???????

It does eventually, you just have to keep in breathing through it until one day you wake up feeling strangely well, and takes a while to even realise you're no longer even thinking of the evil twattish git! In the mean time, fake it till you make it! When thoughts of him come into your head, make yourself think of something else, I listen to taped novels whilst going craft / gardening / housework, doing 2 thinks at once occupies my mind enough to avoid unwanted thoughts that creep in when only doing one thing as doesn't distract my over active brain enough! You will get there, I promise, be as kind to yourself as you would be to a dear friend in the meantime ((you))