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Original poster

Stbxh wants to take ds to see a dr

32 replies

SheerWill · 19/09/2014 17:53

Hello wise people of Mumsnet. You've never failed me yet so here goes.

The last week of August my ds goes on holiday with stbxh and his girlfriend + his parents. It's the first time ds has been on a plane and so far away from me (ds is 4.5). While there ds starts visiting the loo much more frequently than previously and sometimes got upset because he couldn't go. He also started clearing his throat all the time (almost like a tic).

This continued for a while after he got back as he had just started school and new childminder. But over the course of two weeks things have settled down and he doesn't need to go as often when at home. However he does still do it at new childminders. I asked him to pee in a bottle for me to check there was no cloudiness) a sign of infection and he hasn't complained about it hurting at all. He's only got upset when he's been unable to go and he hasn't been drinking enough fluids at school or new childminder.

Stbxh's girlfriend picked him up early from cm today to take him put for the afternoon. I then get a text from stbxh to say:

Hello, just to let you know we're going to take ds to the doctor. Have managed to get an appointment please can I have current doctor details - my docs need it so they can update ds' docs. Will let you know outcome.

I'm furious that he's gone ahead and done this without consulting me first. I've booked him a dr appointment for monday with our usual dr, rather than some emergency out of hours clinic. I've expressed how unhappy I am at this and that as the primary carer I should have been consulted about this. I've said I do not give my permission for him to go and that if he's poorly da should come home.

Am I being unreasonable and defensive. Please help me as stbxh is now not answering my texts or calls so I'm assuming they're going ahead with it anyway. It's just the sort of thing he would do.

I'm sure the frequent weeing is anxiety and stress related as he was fine yesterday even despite all the thunder and lightning that we had (the house was struck). Help :-(

OP posts:
Nerf · 19/09/2014 17:57

Personally I think yabu but I'm sure there will be lots of people along to reassure you.

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie · 19/09/2014 17:59

He's his dad. If the child needs to see a Dr why does it matter if you or your ex take him? Even if it is anxiety what's the harm in being seen sooner rather than later?

Also how can you check for infection in a wee sample yourself, unless you are a dr/nurse? Surely you need a Dr to do it properly?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/09/2014 18:01

Shared parenting means allowing the other parent to make decisions from time to time. He's informed you which is as it should be, but he doesn't really have to ask your permission - any more than you'd ask his permission when DS is with you. Should probably be a cue for a conversation about procedure in future, however.

ihatethecold · 19/09/2014 18:02

Yabu and controlling.
It's his dad, why shouldn't he take him.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 19/09/2014 18:04

Did he know that you'd booked an appt with his regular doctor for Monday or did you only do this once you knew your STBX had gone ahead?

You're both still parents to your child, and if one of you thinks he needs to see a doctor I don't understand why the other would resist this.

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 19/09/2014 18:10

Is he trying to transfer DS surgery to this new one? Or is it ooh?

I think he's being unreasonable in not answering your calls and not consulting you at all until already booked tbh.

Does he have a history we can't see here? Have you told him you think the tic and toileting is stress related already?

LegoClone · 19/09/2014 18:11

In your shoes I would probably feel the same, however as others have said your stbxh is your DS's dad and as such is hopefully making decisions based on what he believes are your DS's best interests, rather than trying to upset you.

FWIW the symptoms you describe are very similar to those my DS often has due to anxiety, and I know of another boy with similar issues.

I hope that you manage to resolve things.

DearPrudence · 19/09/2014 18:14

I'm not going to say YABU, because I understand why you'd prefer to take him yourself. However, if he has got a UTI then it is better that he's seen today rather than waiting all weekend, so I think you should let his dad take him.

The other, longer-term stuff like the anxious/habit cough would be better dealt with in a more considered way - perhaps you could both discuss what you want to do about this. That could be wait and watch, find ways to make him more secure, see a doctor (together) or whatever. There's no harm in STBX's doc taking a quick look at his throat or listening to his chest tonight anyway.

Original poster
SheerWill · 19/09/2014 18:14

Thanks for your honesty. I probably am being over protective and unreasonable. I had already booked the dr appointment before as I'd discussed it with new childminder, with our lovely dr, who knows us well.and as he's not in any pain surely it could have waited till Monday.

I just feel like stbxh is constantly trying to get one up on me. He sees ds once a fortnight (his choice not mine as his work must come first). I've always been the one that's done dr appointments, dentist, emergency care and hate not being with him.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/09/2014 18:17

Did you ask him permission before booking the DR appointment? Had you discussed it? Did he know it was coming up?

I you make this a competition, I'm afraid you'll lose.

pregnantpause · 19/09/2014 18:18

Stbxh is still dss df. His parent. He has every right to take his son to the doctors , I don't know why you would be furious that he's booked an appointment, and informed you? If it's anxiety or nothing then the doctor can diagnose that now instead of waiting another two days. He is acting in his sons best interests. You may be the resident parent, but your stbxh is just as much his parent as you are. He's just the non resident parent.

Annarose2014 · 19/09/2014 18:21

"Cloudiness" doesn't tell you if there's blood in the urine. The urine needs to be dipped by a GP at the very least, and since his frequency has been ongoing since the last week in August, it should be done pronto.

I'm confused why it would be OK for you to bring him to a GP on Monday but not ok for him to take the boy now? It certainly doesn't have to be his regular GP to check for an isolated UTI.

This seems like a control issue on your part.

Original poster
SheerWill · 19/09/2014 18:21

I have told him that these symptoms are probably stress related as they've improved considerably as we've got back into a proper routine. He had a lot on his plate poor thing with a holiday, school starting, new childminder all in a week.

Both the constant needing a wee and throat clearing have massively improved by myself and my partner just not making a big deal of it, but encouraging him to drink more water and distracting him with toys, games and stories. I thought maybe if he's hydrated I'd give him some diarolyte as a precaution before we see the dr.

School teachers said it was a common thing amongst some children starting school. I did ask him to consider what might make him feel anxious/stressed that's different to here and offered to discuss it. But I'm not getting any replies and I'm really anxious myself now.

OP posts:
Dirtybadger · 19/09/2014 18:21

IMO YABU. He needs to see a Dr to rule a problem out and you can't do that looking at his urine in a pot, surely? Did you tell your exp you made him an appointment? If you want him to tell you (well, he did, granted a little late- perhaps) by this logic you should have told him about the Monday appointment already?

If you have residency that means he spends most of him time with you/at yours. Not that he "belongs" to you or that you, necessarily, have a bigger say in decisions (though that follows in many cases).

Tbh I'd be glad his dad is obviously looking out for him. MN had so many useless bordering on neglectful fathers.

I do understand being annoyed (he's your ex for a reason, etc) but I dont think he's done anything objectively wrong.

heyday · 19/09/2014 18:25

Your last post sums it all up really. This is YOUR need to be in control and often us mums think we are the only ones who should and can care properly for our DC. Obviously that is not the case. Hopefully the doctor will reassure that DS is fine and that his problems are related to anxiety . If that is the case,then you both have to sit down like mature adults and find solutions. The poor kid sounds like he has so much going on in his life and is feeling anxious and unsettled.
Just back off for a little while until you can gather your thoughts and then hopefully you can have some discussion/ text about the outcome of doctors visit.
Relationships ain't easy at the best of times but when separation and new partners get thrown into the mix it can become chaotic,highly emotional and the poor children are always caught up in the middle of it all.
Take a deep breath......

basgetti · 19/09/2014 18:29

So in response to a possible UTI you are looking at his wee and giving diarolyte? I'm not suprised he has decided to take him to the doctor.

Original poster
SheerWill · 19/09/2014 18:29

I dont want to turn this into a competition. And I am aware that he is ds parent too, all be it when it suits him.

No I didn't ask permission and maybe I should have told him before. I just do these things automatically. He has never taken ds to the dr in his life before. Not when he had jabs, not when he was having an asthma attack, not when he had an allergy to blackberries and his face swelled up. And that's when we were still together.

I hate the idea of ds being all anxious and I'm not there to comfort and support him. Maybe I am being selfish in wanting to be with him instead. I need to let go. It's just ripping me apart to do so.

OP posts:
Annarose2014 · 19/09/2014 18:31

I'm sorry but urinary frequency always needs to be checked out. The very young and the very old simply do not always have the same symptoms as other people.

balia · 19/09/2014 18:31

Had you told him you'd booked a doc's apt for Monday? If not YABU - at least he let you know. And it will be reassuring in the future to know that their local doc has your surgery details in case of other problems. Perhaps he has gone out with Dad and mentioned he has had some pain today - of course he's going to pop him into the docs just in case.

Annarose2014 · 19/09/2014 18:34

And agree that Dioralyte was not appropriate. If he is eating and drinking, but has no vomiting or diarrohea, its going to do precisely nothing.

MrSheen · 19/09/2014 18:34

YABU. You obviously think he needs to go to the Dr, otherwise you wouldn't have booked the appointment so why shouldn't his Dad think he needs to go too?

KittiesInsane · 19/09/2014 18:39

You can't, surely, refuse him permission to go to the doctor!

Maybe just reply 'Sorry, panicked a bit there. As I've said, I've already booked him into the GP's for Monday but of course you should take him sooner if he's looking really rough.'

Original poster
SheerWill · 19/09/2014 18:43

It was a panicky response. I need to breathe. Just want to talk to ds to see if he's okay but still no reply.

OP posts:
Hissy · 19/09/2014 18:47

I totally understand how you feel and would feel exactly the same.

however..

better your ex takes on the idea that he's there for the bad times AND the good than the other muppets we hear about that don't take genuinely sick children to the hospital/docs because it'd bugger up their shagging plans, or the 'let's play the coolest dad ever and take them to a concert with an ear infection' business.

see how he gets on with your Ex's doctor, and if need be he can go to his own doc on Monday.

bottom line is that BOTH of you are caring for a little lad that for one reason or another needs a bit of looking after at the moment.

have a glass of vino, this was a tough day, but everything will be ok!

Debs75 · 19/09/2014 18:47

If it is an infection then surely seeing a dr tonight will mean he gets treatment sooner. IF it is OOH clinic then ours can't refer so he may still need to see your dr on Monday.

I wouldn't make too big a deal of it to be fair. I have friends whose exes are pure crap when it comes to the kids being ill. They just refuse to do anything and one just wraps his dd up and leaves her with his mum when she is ill on 'his' time. He never even tells mum she looks rough he just drops and runs leaving mum to wonder why her baby is off colour.